Compromising with partner on holiday

[Growingmyhairout]

We're currently on holiday together which is great, our first longer holiday together.
Back home my partner is very sociable, likes having a few beers and being out until the early hours.
I don't drink at all, and I like being in bed early, maybe that makes me boring but hey ho.
I'm not saying I need to be in bed by 9pm but i go by half midnight latest.
It doesn't affect us at all back home as he goes out late with friends but on holiday it's a different story I guess.
We're on a city break, my partner also wants to be up and out for 8am and spending the entire days walking round the city, as do I.
We have been staying out until midnight in bars etc so far. Which I think is reasonable.
The first day we were jet lagged and had had hardly any sleep and I felt like death going round the city.
My partner would happily be out until 2/3am then up at 8, and would spend the entire day out until 2am again.
I just can't do this. If I'm going to be out walking all day I need a decent sleep at a reasonable time.
I just think that it's also a holiday from work, not an endurance test. I don't want to return home feeling shattered and needing another holiday.
However I don't want to spoil his fun. I told him I needed adequate sleep at a reasonable time and he understood, but told me he could have stayed out longer.
I went on a city break with a former friend about 5 years ago. It was the same, she'd happily be out until 3am, exist on 5 hours' sleep then spend 12 hours walking around. I looked and felt awful all week, but then when I tried to set boundaries I was called a boring Grandma. She's no longer a friend.
Maybe if I were 18 ok, not in my 30s.
I've said I'll stay out until 2 once as a compromise this week, only if we can get a lie in.
I don't want to feel like a party pooper, but I just can't walk round for miles on end sleep deprived.
How would you compromise here?

Siesta!! I love to come back to the room and nap or read for a bit. My dh HATES being in hotel rooms in the daytime so he goes for a walk and looks for weird little blokey bars where he can sit at the bar on his own and pretend to be oscar wilde or something 😂
He loves his solo trips to a bar in the afternoon and I love to chill for a bit and re-coup my energy.

It's just a case of organising your days isn't it? He does more than you. You sleep more than him. He either needs to do something first thing in the morning without you while you sleep longer or in the afternoon while you nap. You don't need to be glued together the whole time.

What is his drinking like on this trip? Is he having alcoholic drinks at lunchtime or coffee breaks too?

Just pick some stuff to do with him and stuff he does on his own?

I really value my sleep! And for me, one of the benefits of a holiday is to come back feeling relaxed, not exhausted. I love a city break too and will happily walk around all day sightseeing, then have a nice dinner and drink and be in bed by 10pm, that would be a perfect city break day for me. To enjoy a late night out I'd need to rest before I went out and have a lie in the next day.
The thing is to compromise, you are compromising by offering to be out late a couple of times, he needs to compromise by agreeing to lie in the next day a couple of times. If he's not willing to compromise then that's the real problem, not the different social preferences.

I also need quite a lot more sleep than my partner (just different biology I guess!). On holiday he'll often go out by himself a bit in the morning while I have the much needed lie in. It was a bit awkward at first but over the years this has just ended up being what works for us and we're better off planning it in than me becoming increasingly more sleep deprived (with all the issues that brings) as the holiday goes on!

Just tell him that holidays are meant to be relaxing! Compromise is that you will occasionally do a late one with a lie in the next day, otherwise day drinking and sightseeing and back to the hotel for 11/12pm. Also in my 30s and if this makes me a grandma, so be it.

Your holiday sounds like a hen party nightmare where the motto is “go big or go home”.

You need naps! Up and out early, back to the hotel for 4pm-ish, nap to 7, back out for 8pm.

I think it depends where you are.

If it's Amsterdam/ Paris etc ie somewhere close that isn't a once in a lifetime trip then he's bu trying to squeeze so much in. He can go back with mates later.

However if it's somewhere long haul like NYC then I'd expect that to be a 24/7 trip and be on the go all day and night to get the most from what I'd see as a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Personally I've been on holiday with both extremes - the up til 2/3am and the in bed by midnight's. I'm just happy to be away and adapt to whatever provided we still get to see/do what we planned.

However, if you are not enjoying yourself you'll both need to find a compromise that works. Either going back early on your own, naps, or rejigging the plans.

I agree with the poster above that your partner needs to be more willing to do stuff on his own. I think it would be reasonable for you to stay out late with him a couple of nights, but in return you should get a lie in or afternoon nap while he's out exploring. I'd also make it clear that you need lone time so he needs to take himself off somewhere... him hanging around the hotel room full of pent up energy is hardly restful for you!

I would go out in the morning to explore a little if I were him and then come back to pick you up after breakfast/ to have breakfast with you. However I wouldn’t stay up until 2am. I would aim for being in bed by midnight and then to be out of the hotel about 10 am, no later then 11am otherwise you won’t cover anything.

But even if it's a once in a lifetime trip, what's available after 11pm except bars and nightclubs?

I actually think it's good be with someone who wants to be out and about a lot, even at night. I wish I was more like that.

But since you said this was your first long holiday together can I assume you don't live together back home? If you do move in one day do you think this will continue to be a problem?

^ never mind, I see you do live together. Always read the whole thread.

The late night bit sounds awful to me. I would be in bed by 11 and up and out by 8. After a couple of days with only 6 hours sleep I wouldn't be enjoying myself at all.

Holy moly, 12 hrs of walking is a restful holiday to you?!

The obvious compromise is surely to stay out a bit later one or two times and then DONT get up at silly o'clock to walk a zillion miles.... Have a lie in or do a bus tour in the morning!

Fuck that, like you say its more of an endurance test than a holiday. What's the point in going away to recharge and coming back absolutely exhausted.

I don't drink either, and it'll be a cold day in hell that I sit in a bar til 2am drinking soda water.

May I ask where you are? Just interested!

Unless it was non-stop power walking for 12 hours, I don’t think a day of walking is at all unusual for a city break. I presume there were stops for coffee/lunch/drinks/sightseeing?
If you’re young then it might be worth getting a blood test, as others have said.

I'm not seeing the problem. My hsuband and I are like this, he is like OP, he will want a siesta or an early night...I just go out by myself while he sleeps! I'm not like that all the time but on a holiday I want to be doing as much as possible and getting everything out of it...he likes a slower pace. That's cool, we're not joined the hip. I can go walking or on a tour by myself in the afternoon, or for a late drink alone if I want.
Just do your own thing a bit more.

This could have been written by me lol. Dh is a social butterfly, loves going for a few drinks, would chat to whatever random people he comes across until the cows come home and has the best night. I like to be home, snuggled up and don't really drink and I'm a bit shyer than he is so hate talking to random people! I think what you've compromised is fair. And I agree, there's no point in doing a city break unless you're going to get out in the morning and see everything on offer. We normally will have a busy day, back to hotel get cleaned up for dinner and then out for food drinks and back at around 11.30/midnight to be up early the next morning. Or if we are going to go out out and stay really late then we'll plan in a disco nap before dinner and have an easier day the next day, maybe potter around and have a picnic and snooze in a park or something. I think you sound really fair and considerate, it needs to be a hol for you both. And I've gone away with friends like your ex friend before - we haven't fallen out over it but I just made a mental note not to go away with them again because we're too different.

The issue is not the walking, its the 2 am finishes.

OP hardly needs a blood test because she can't enjoy a holiday based on < 6 hrs sleep per night.

People are different. On our ladies trips me and one other like to get up around 7.30 and go for a jog before breakfast, but I'm tired after dinner so I'll skip drinks after 10pm.

Nobody is right or wrong, trouble is when there's just two of you and one is a night owl and the other a morning lark.

No right or wrong here.

Me and my wife are in a similar situation when it comes to holidays. We both like exploring during the day, taking in as much as we can of the places we visit but she'll happily be back at the hotel and in bed by 11.

For me, nightlife is a significant part of the holiday experience and I like to explore the pubs/bars/clubs of wherever we go (within reason of course, some places don't have 'nightlife').

The first couple of times we went away I found it incredibly frustrating that, for me, one of the most enjoyable times of the day was just beginning and she wanted to go back to the room.

We've learned to compromise. We have most of the day together but accept that, if we are both to get the most from our holiday, it makes sense to do some things separately.

Even in the UK now, if we go away, we'll have a couple of a hours a day where she will go somewhere quiet and read her book with a cup of tea and I'll have a wander around the local pubs.

I guess my point is, being on holiday together doesn't mean you have to be in each other's pockets. Regardless of whether it's in the UK or abroad, there is always things you would like to do/experience together and things that, individually, you are more/less enthusiastic about...and that's OK.

Whatever your age, you will feel better if you prioritise sleep. It's amazing how other things fall into place when you are not tired.