Compromising with partner on holiday

[Growingmyhairout]

We're currently on holiday together which is great, our first longer holiday together.
Back home my partner is very sociable, likes having a few beers and being out until the early hours.
I don't drink at all, and I like being in bed early, maybe that makes me boring but hey ho.
I'm not saying I need to be in bed by 9pm but i go by half midnight latest.
It doesn't affect us at all back home as he goes out late with friends but on holiday it's a different story I guess.
We're on a city break, my partner also wants to be up and out for 8am and spending the entire days walking round the city, as do I.
We have been staying out until midnight in bars etc so far. Which I think is reasonable.
The first day we were jet lagged and had had hardly any sleep and I felt like death going round the city.
My partner would happily be out until 2/3am then up at 8, and would spend the entire day out until 2am again.
I just can't do this. If I'm going to be out walking all day I need a decent sleep at a reasonable time.
I just think that it's also a holiday from work, not an endurance test. I don't want to return home feeling shattered and needing another holiday.
However I don't want to spoil his fun. I told him I needed adequate sleep at a reasonable time and he understood, but told me he could have stayed out longer.
I went on a city break with a former friend about 5 years ago. It was the same, she'd happily be out until 3am, exist on 5 hours' sleep then spend 12 hours walking around. I looked and felt awful all week, but then when I tried to set boundaries I was called a boring Grandma. She's no longer a friend.
Maybe if I were 18 ok, not in my 30s.
I've said I'll stay out until 2 once as a compromise this week, only if we can get a lie in.
I don't want to feel like a party pooper, but I just can't walk round for miles on end sleep deprived.
How would you compromise here?

Ok, well we are compatible in other ways so for me that's worth it. It's not really something that's a deal breaker for me

I said that he should just carry on exploring whilst I napped but he wanted to come.
My parents are the same, my Mum would happily be in bed for 9am whereas my Dad likes staying up later

What a bizarre thing to write. Having a bit of a different preference around activity level on holiday is worlds away from being “not compatible.”

I think the concept with a city holiday is that you don't rest at all, you have to cram in absolutely everything whilst you're there and see/do everything

I used to think this too, but in my 40s now and I just can't march around a new city like I used to. Now as long as I do at least one new thing every day (museum, attraction, whatever) I'm happy to have a long brunch or sit and read a book in a cafe the rest of the time. Like you say OP, it's a holiday so you need to build in some time to relax.

I quite often go away with a friend who's a morning person, and I am absolutely not. Some days she'll go off out at 8am and we'll meet up for lunch and spend the rest of the day together. Plus it gives you more to talk about if you go off and do your own thing for a bit.

In your shoes, I'd definitely be planning a couple of lazy mornings by myself at the hotel. Hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday.

You don't need blood levels checked🙄

You are just different to each other. Neither is wrong or weird or boring. Just different.
I would do one day your time to bef, one day his. Or 2 and 2. Meet in a middle. Also 1 day his plan, one day yours. That's how we do it

He doesn't sound very interesting, if this is his life. I'd think on a break he'd be more interesting in being together with you, and romantic, than chugging beers at a pub.

Sounds like fundamental incompatibility tbh.

I had this with an ex and looking back - he always had a really manic energy, and everything was some kind of weird test for me of my capability. He wanted to do everything and see everywhere including normal residential neighbourhoods ‘to see how the real people live’. Which is fine but I’ve seen very unremarkable streets in various places. At the time I always blamed myself for not being energetic enough, my laziness was the issue when I wasn’t as bouncy as him, and felt he judged me for not being as good a traveller or whatever. In reality he was exhausting, unkind as never gave a shit about how I was feeling, everything was designed to make me feel like a failure and he constantly needed entertaining. that was the real issue. I cried on more than one hol.

I’ve been with my husband on numerous city breaks and I’ve realised we get just as much done/seen of the place we’re visiting, but it just feels easy, relaxed and chilled and a late boozy lunch and afternoon hotel sex is the way to live! There was never any need for the pavement pounding, and lo and behold I’ve never cried on holiday again.

Seriously?

The vast majority of people would be tired on 5 hours sleep a night. I have insomnia and lack of sleep is a killer. Literally.

This place is also full of young, very attractive women and I've had an acne breakout which lack of sleep doesn't help with, doesn't help looking and feeling like shit on hardly any sleep.

It sounds like compromises on both sides are needed to meet in the middle. Have a few late nights but a sleep in to offset it. Why the need to spend every day walking around for 12 hours? Why not have some more slightly chilled days so you're not too tired. I certainly wouldn't want to be up til 2am every day, but I also wouldn't want to feel like I have to be up at 8am every day should I want a little sleep in.

I have similar issues with my husband who has way more energy than me. Usually he goes out earlier in the morning for a wander around and comes back with some coffee and cake which is a win/win. We found going on holiday with another couple worked well too, preferably a couple who are similar to you two 😊.
Now we have kids, one less energetic like me and a crazy one like my husband which works well as he’s not got time to be bored on holiday anymore 😀

When I'm visiting a city, there's so much to do, I want to be out early to cram everything in. But I like to be tucked in bed by 9, 10 at the latest. Those hard pavements take it out of you. And I don't see anything enjoyable dragging yourself round when you feel crap.
I'd compromise like you suggested. One late night and then you get to sleep til lunch the next morning.

Also, if you're both wanting to be up and walking the entire day from 8am then staying in bars until midnight is entirely reasonable. To be honest, I love a social life and a night out but I'd be happily back home by midnight or before if my plans were to be up and out every day from early.

Yanbu and your partner’s nbu. Lack of sleep, jet lag and staying out late every night will tire most people. Plus if you’re walking everywhere, you’ll feel it! Some can take it; others can’t. If your partner’s willing to compromise and see other things early then you could have a lie in. If your partner’s not willing to do this and expects you up and ready at 8am every day then he’s being very unreasonable.

I’m curious to how you manage this at home, do you live together?

Who does the compromising there? Do you not go out together, do you go home separately?

I’m a morning person, my DH is not and that is enough of a compromise , but neither of us party late, I can’t see how that would work on an evening out together.

At home he goes out late on his own with his friends which works fine, sometimes I join them but I usually come home early.
My ideal thing is going out for a few hours in the day, coming back for a couple of hours to relax then out again in the evening.
I will definitely compromise though for a late night, the suggestions are good

True that some people survive well on little sleep and being hungover, others don't

Seriously?
Out until 2/3 and out at 8am?
I've been " ill" all my life then.
I would be dead on my feet!

I have this issue a bit with DH on holiday, although he doesn't want to stay up quite as late. He enjoys a drink before, during and after dinner whereas I find bars pretty boring and my hearing is going a bit, so I can't really follow conversation.

Our compromise is to find something else to do in the evening, so go to a show or watch entertainment at the hotel, if that's where we are staying.

It would be hell for me to be expected to stay up until 2-3 am . Midnight is my absolute limit. I don't think you're holiday compatible unless you did something like a cruise, where you could retire to bed and he could stay up.

At home he usually gets up much later, more like 11am, and I'm usually up much earlier. I think the first day here didn't help as i was really jet lagged

Everyone's different, but my god, there's no way in hell that either my husband or I would be staying out and about from early morning till all hours of the night. We wouldn't do it now in our 40's and wouldn't have done in our early 20's.
What's this nonsense about blood tests?? Some people think that sleep is a waste of time. I think that it's essential for my well-being and ability to function well.

The idea about him going out in the morning and you meeting him at lunch is good. All bars are similar so I don't see the attraction. Dinner and drinks is a nice evening. You could go to bed at 12, have a lie in and still feel rested.

I had a problem where my travel companions would fill up at breakfast, keep walking all day without stopping for lunch and then dinner at 7pm. I couldn't function at all!!!

In recent years, (I am 50) we get up at 9am on a city break, do one attraction per day, stopping to get coffee and eating a picnic lunch to keep costs down, back to the room at 5pm, dinner and drinks at 7,and bed at midnight. City breaks are 4 nights so all ok. I take a week off work so I have a day or two after to rest.

I think you both need to reframe what the holiday is about. I used to "cram it all in" on city breaks and actually it wasn't a lot of fun. Being a bit more casual, taking your time, accepting you don't have to see and do everything is the key I think. I tend to pick a few things I definitely want to do or see and then do some resting, long lunches, lie ins etc. Separate to this you are both on this holiday and he doesn't get to dictate what you do just because he wants to stay out late and get up early. You can give him options and he can pick what he prefers and as you say, some nights you might compromise by staying out later etc. But it's your holiday too. My abusive ex h always thought what he wanted was most important and i was difficult or boring to not want to do everything he did (mainly very late nights watching films and then lying in until midday - not fun for me!) and it was a symptom of wider controlling behaviour. You haven't suggested this is the case with your partner but if he won't see your point of view here just consider, because what you're asking is totally reasonable.

There is nothing wrong with you physically. Needing a decent nights sleep is normal. Even staying out midnight and out at 8 doesn’t give you a chance for a full nights sleep. You have to account for some time to wind down, plus showering, dressing, etc.

Honestly I'm so glad DH and I are similar in this respect. In my thirties I'm not in a place where I need naps to stay out until midnight. Can you ask for a spare key from the air BnB? I usually make sure I have a couple of days at home before I go back to work to rest. I see a hotel room as somewhere to sleep and shower, not spend several hours a day just hanging around. Having said that I also don't get people who go on holiday to stay on a complex and lay by a pool for a week or two. Different people like different holidays, the issue is here you're not compatible travel companions.

Your dp sounds like he is not capable of doing things on his own. That kind of dependency would kill me especially on hols where there is little escape. Everyone is different and hols in particular push people together for a time that is full on. There is nothing wrong with not wanting exactly the same routines. At home you have different schedules and your dp can meet his friends and stay out late if he wants to.

I'm away at present with my dp. I am older (60s) yikes.... and dp is older than me. He likes sitting and reading and relaxing. I like to get out and about. We compromise and do the exploring and resting together occasionally but mostly just enjoy doing what we like to do best. I have absolutely no problem going out exploring on my own, in fact I quite enjoy it. Night times are meals out followed by a few drinkies (I don't drink either, dp does) and now and again are late enough for us if we enjoy the scene or meet some interesting people.

Compromise once or twice, but dp has to do the same, or go out on his own. Sorry but he sounds about ten years old.