Partner said something and I feel upset..am I over reacting.

[Hereigo89]

I have a 5 month old baby with my partner. He found the newborn stage very hard and when she was 3 weeks old be basically had a breakdown and told me how hard he was finding it and he was worried he had lost all his freedom. It sounds silly writing it down but he couldn't cope with the sleep deprivation. We worked through this and things have been great. We were chatting this eve about how hard the newborn stage is as her sleep has been all over the place right now. He said that he was glad he could tell me how he felt when she was a newborn because if he had kept it bottled up then he could have ended up cheating on me. Obviously I got my back up about this and said so if times get hard then you will cheat? He said I took it the wrong way and thats he's basically saying that people cheat because they can't communicate. I just can't shake this niggle feeling now that if things get tough ..which they do once in a while especially when you have kids together...that he will start looking elsewhere. Or am I over reacting?

I actually don't think you're overreacting. If my partner said this I don't think I'd ever look at him or trust him in the same way again.

He said I took it the wrong way and thats he's basically saying that people cheat because they can't communicate.

I'm sorry but this sounds like a confession. He is saying he hasn't actually physically cheated(hopefully), but he came close to doing so. Perhaps an emotional affair? I'd be asking him what his definition of cheating is, and if its just physical sex and nothing before (texting/kissing/flirting), thats very telling.

He is also telling you the reason people cheat is when they don't communicate. Thats a warning. And also a ready made excuse, which puts the blame directly on your shoulders. In case he decides to start that emotional affair up again (or continue with it).

When she was 3 weeks old be basically had a breakdown and told me how hard he was finding it and he was worried he had lost all his freedom.

This is when it started.

Sorry for the late reply to the thread. I'll try and answer as much as I can. First, when he had a breakdown he was crying and saying he didn't realise how hard this was and was this it for the rest of our lives. Admittedly she was a terrible sleeper but she was only a few weeks old so I had prepared myself for this. I had told him the newborn stage was going to be hard when I was pregnant but he was caught up in everything. Secondly, I did take on more of the work allowing him to have more "down time" for a week or so.. but then he massive stepped up and now I would say things are about equal. I do more as obviously he is working but he does do some night feeds and take her in the morning for me go catch up on sleep. And when he gets back from work he will take over so I get a break. With the communication..I am glad he could talk to me about his feelings. And I really don't think he has cheated on me. I understand that when people aren't happy in a relationship that they might cheat but yo actually here him tell me that he thought it could go that way for us has shocked me. Its left me with a knot in my stomach. I feel like I don't trust him. I've taken it as if things get too tough then he has a free pass to cheat because apparently this is what you do when your not happy. Part of me thinks he was clumsily trying to communicate but I just can't shake this feeling off. He's normally a good partner and a hands on dad. It's just this comment.

Based on your update, I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt. He said a stupid thing, badly.

Have a proper discussion about how it’s made you feel, and then move on. Hope he takes it all on board.

Agree with previous poster I don’t think he meant he would cheat just a poor comment how that’s what would usually happen in some relationships I would just calmly explain that to him and that it worried you I’m sure he’ll talk to you about it and explain what ever he meant. If people are going to cheat they cheat no matter what people are married 20/30 years then bam people cheat try to not think about it and have some trust if he’s been a good partner and dad.

I believe you have your own answers now and you are the best judge of character here. Just one comment can be let go, but it will take time because it's shocked you and you're not ready yet. I really hope you feel happier soon and work things out with your dp xx

He sounds like a selfish arse.

Did he ever express his gratitude that he hadn’t also had to push a watermelon out his arse and put up with the recovery of that too or is your relationship all about him?

I think you need to have a conversation about how his comment has made you feel, and that there will be times in the future that are tougher than the newborn phase you've just been through and what are his plans on coping with them? Because he can't get a free pass from family stresses on the back of a threat of cheating.

I think it is a bit of a warning in that he feels that if he’s not enjoying family life then he has the option of leaving. He’s not the first male to do that but it’s still shitty.

Also but sorry 3 weeks? He’s a bit of a lightweight to have a ‘breakdown’ after 3 weeks. Just a bit of a red flag for the future - if times are tough will you be feeling you have to bear more of the load in case he starts looking elsewhere?

I interpreted it differently, that he's heard or read that people end up cheating when going through a hard time and not communicating and he's glad ye didn't get to that stage..

TBH I’d advocate for the OP having an affair based on the fact she’s married to a complete selfish wanker

Yes threatening to screw someone else is just not tactful 🙄.

I didn’t read it as a threat, just an observation- he’s glad he’s part of a strong couple that can communicate.

Many men- as we know- don’t bring it up, don’t discuss it, detach from their family and have an affair. I read it more as ‘I’m glad I’m not one of those, I’m glad I’m not in that type of relationship, and I’m glad I can trust you and talk things through with you’. Just worded clumsily.

Why even go there, how does I'm stressed lead to I'll cheat. Wouldn't enter most people's minds. The only justification I can think of would be if he has a friend recently or parent who cheated and he's meaning I'm glad we're not like that I couldn't trust a partner who said that.

You need to address it with him, "when you said you were glad we could talk because if you'd kept it bottled up you could have ended up cheating on me, it felt like you were saying it's ok to cheat because you're stressed?". If he confirms then you tell him where you said, ie if he cheats your relationship is over. If he didn't mean that at all and is a decent person who can take responsibility for his actions, he'll say that and apologise for hurting. None of us can tell you how he meant it, but now it's out there it has to be addressed otherwise in his mind it could become a potential get out of jail free card. Even if it's not, of it was just a sloppy way of saying it, it's harming you and making you lose trust in your relationship.

And if he refuses to answer and dismisses your feelings that a red flag and I'd be treating it like he said it's fine to cheat if you're stressed. If he's a good person who loves you he should want to reassure you and not leave you feeling stressed or insecure because of his words.

I always believe that you see a person's true face when they have to deal with problems and hardship.

It is easy for a man to play the nice guy when times are good but the real person will come out when they are tested.

He showed you that he is a selfish, immature, weak idiot who could not cope with a young child and made it all about him and his needs. And he tried to justify the idea of cheating.

It must be incredibly disappointing for you but this is not a man you can or should rely on.

What a prick. Does he think the sleep deprivation and loss of freedom has been a walk in the park for you?
Shit logic as well. I'm getting no sleep so I'm going to go spend a night shagging someone else which will involve......no sleep