Partner said something and I feel upset..am I over reacting.

[Hereigo89]

I have a 5 month old baby with my partner. He found the newborn stage very hard and when she was 3 weeks old be basically had a breakdown and told me how hard he was finding it and he was worried he had lost all his freedom. It sounds silly writing it down but he couldn't cope with the sleep deprivation. We worked through this and things have been great. We were chatting this eve about how hard the newborn stage is as her sleep has been all over the place right now. He said that he was glad he could tell me how he felt when she was a newborn because if he had kept it bottled up then he could have ended up cheating on me. Obviously I got my back up about this and said so if times get hard then you will cheat? He said I took it the wrong way and thats he's basically saying that people cheat because they can't communicate. I just can't shake this niggle feeling now that if things get tough ..which they do once in a while especially when you have kids together...that he will start looking elsewhere. Or am I over reacting?

This thread rings a bell , I'm sure there's been one similar before.

Please don't try to excuse him by saying you're hormonal and probably overreacting. You're not overreacting, want he said was awful.

It sounds as though he thinks a few weeks of stress is reason enough to cheat on you. It's putting all the emphasis on you needing to help him not be stressed and making it your fault.

Where was his support for you? You're the one who carried the child, and went through childbirth, and also went through the sleep deprivation etc. His comment makes me think he truly believes that only his comfort matters and it's up to you to make sure you put him first at your own expense. Or else he's free to go off and do whatever he wants

Urgh no you’re not being unreasonable.

You're not over reacting. I dont know anyone that wouldn't be upset by that comment and feeling angry now. The implication that it's how he reacts to stress, the complete lack of connection between cause and effect of being tired leading to cheating, the complete lack of logic that he is too tired to look after his own child but would have the energy to go out and cheat, the fact that when times are equally hard for both of you he seems like he would be happy to give you his share and go and do something that he wanted that made you feel worse, the fact that he thinks cheating may have made him feel better, and the way it seems so manipulative (next time the baby is ill you better do all the night wakes so stop him straying) and worry for the future when times are hard again and you can't take more of the load

I'd be so sleep deprived that I'd... have the time to find, woo and screw another woman. I'm struggling to join the dots here??

This.

While I was reading your post I was expecting him to say something like, "I'm so glad we could talk as otherwise I'm worried I might have hurt myself" or something similar.

It does sound like a warning. And I have to ask - when he spoke to you and you said you worked through it, what did that look like? Because I'm guessing what it looked like was you taking on even more so that he could get the "rest" he needed. It feels like he's setting you up so that everything things are hard, you do all the heavy lifting to solve th problems in case he cheats.

Oh OP, I am so sorry.

Of course you have reacted as you have.

He has just told you where his head is.

Honestly he sounds like a man child anyway, having a breakdown 'cos he can't go out.🙄

You protect yourself from this twat.

Go back to work.
Keep your family and friends close.
Do not depend on him, he isn't reliable.

DON'T get pregnant with him again.

If he is of any use at the moment, then bide your time until things are better for YOU.

But I think he sounds like a very immature person.

Wow, what a prince.

Decided he "couldn't cope" with doing a share of parenting so got you to do your own share and his too.

Winged on about "losing his freedom" when your loss of freedom is larger.

Feels entitled to cheat on you.

He sounds pathetic tbh.

It does sound like a little confession that- like what an odd thing to say. Like has he been on the verge off? Has he been talking and nearly cheated etc
what a weird thing to say

What the fucking fuck. I wouldnt trust him now. I doubt you'll end it so keep your eyes wide open. I'm not saying stalk his phone but make sure you are always in a sound position to leave. Keep your job, keep some savings, dont be duped into him buying a house and you paying half the mortgage without your name on the deeds, make sure your name is on he rental property, have your own bank account, dont be duped into 'supporting him' everytime things are hard for fear he will cheat. Make sure he looks after the baby alone so he cant pretend he doesnt know how or say that you do it better.

Eyes. Wide. Open.

So sorry this happened. As if you didn't find it hard also !!!

So he's basically saying he can't be expected to ever cope during tough times and if you don't take on all the tough bits yourself he'll cheat. Then if course he'll turn round a blame you because you knew he'd cheat if you didn't take all the stress off him. This is who he is, someone you can't count on who thinks he's entitled to screw you over if things get tough.

Sounds like he's already cheated sorry OP. I have no idea why he'd say this otherwise.

Horrible selfish manchild. Can't cope with sleepless nights and less freedom and the solution was to pile all the graft into you, and have you support him through his breakdown. Now this.

He sounds like someone who always has to come first in his life ... and in yours. As for the cheating comment - sounds like he's lining himself up for a "pass" next time life gets a bit stressful and he can say "well I told you that would happen".

It doesn't make logical sense - oh I'm so tired and sleep deprived, the obvious solution is to expend physical and mental energy having an affair. Nope, he just wants to line up a reason to cheat because he's already liking the idea.

He's astonishingly pathetic and I wouldn't want to be with him either.

That's exactly what I thought. No time or energy to support you and get through it together but all the time and energy in the world to get with someone else.
Crikey, this would really tarnish things for me OP.
When ten going gets tough go find someone else

Me and DH suffered really badly with sleep deprivation when our twins were born. We have both talked openly about feeling like we could walk away. Going out for a pack of cigarettes and not coming back. So I understand that feeling but why would he think that had anything to do with cheating? I would be really upset if DH said this, even years later.

I’d be curious to know what actually happened after the three week in ‘breakdown’. How is he coping with parenting now, five months on? Is he doing his fair share? How did you work through the sleep deprivation issue? Did he find a way to cope or did you take in the nights more?

OP, I agree with @NumberTheory. I think he was slightly clumsily acknowledging how important communication is in relationships, and how glad he was that he was able to talk candidly with you about how hard things were. As you said, he found things so hard he had a breakdown.

But I can see how it's unnerved you @Hereigo89 I'd be concerned that if he ever felt he couldn't talk to you about something he'd struggling with he'd be looking for comfort elsewhere. That's what's worth discussing as a couple I think.

Am lost for words.. so sorry @Hereigo89
I can see how unsettling this would be. :-(

Wow what a dickhead, so sorry OP

He sounds like a complete prick. I hope you have him an earful and told him that sleep deprivation was no excuse for cheating.

If that's his mentality I'd be making it clear he's on a warning.

Maybe he just said it and it means nothing, maybe he was thinking about doing it, or maybe he's actually done it. Perhaps it was a tactic to get you to do everything for fear he might run off with someone else.
Bit of an odd response to not coping with a newborn, and weird to say it to you. I would wonder why that was his go to answer to all his problems, it's definitely a red flag.

I agree

When he told you how hard he was finding the sleep deprivation and you worked through it, what did this process look like? Did it look like you doing more of the drudge to protect him from having to be too tired??

If that’s the case, what he’s telling you is that when he finds things hard, you need to pick up the slack or he will find the energy to shag someone else!

He’s basically told you that his response to stress is

1. make it your problem
2. if you don’t deal with his stress effectively enough that he stops feeling the stress, he’ll have sex with someone as an escape mechanism

He’s a dick. And the fact that he can’t see what the problem is with what he’s said would piss me off. People are guilty of clunky conversations, and saying stupid things which they don’t actually mean. But when he hears how it sounds to you, and isn’t immediately horrified at how it came across, his true colours are showing

Man keeps it bottled up, people complain on here. Man tells you how he thinks or feels, not always tactful and sometimes completely ridiculous (but we are only human, everyone can be like that) and that’s wrong. How could he win?