Partner said something and I feel upset..am I over reacting.

[Hereigo89]

I have a 5 month old baby with my partner. He found the newborn stage very hard and when she was 3 weeks old be basically had a breakdown and told me how hard he was finding it and he was worried he had lost all his freedom. It sounds silly writing it down but he couldn't cope with the sleep deprivation. We worked through this and things have been great. We were chatting this eve about how hard the newborn stage is as her sleep has been all over the place right now. He said that he was glad he could tell me how he felt when she was a newborn because if he had kept it bottled up then he could have ended up cheating on me. Obviously I got my back up about this and said so if times get hard then you will cheat? He said I took it the wrong way and thats he's basically saying that people cheat because they can't communicate. I just can't shake this niggle feeling now that if things get tough ..which they do once in a while especially when you have kids together...that he will start looking elsewhere. Or am I over reacting?

If he struggled to cope with newborn sleep deprivation how will he cope with toddler stage, sleep regression, sleep training.
Yes new born stage is difficult, so is the rest of 0-5!

As PP’s have said, it’s a very odd thing to say. And cruel to you also. I’d be seriously considering a future with this man if I were you OP

So when times get tough and the two of you are in a rough place, instead of him thinking of ways to support you, and to make the relationship stronger, he thinks of ways to justify getting sex from other women?

He's either a piece of shit or seriously incredibly stupid. Neither are particularly attractive.

What an arsehole! You’re not overreacting at all,I’d be devastated. I’d also be rethinking the whole relationship too

Agreed. He’s grooming you to be default parent with the threat of cheating if you don’t. It’s backfired on him (hopefully).

He's always been so anti cheating

Always? What an odd thing to mention repeatedly!

Suggests he is, has been, or is planning to cheat...

This.

It plants seeds of doubt and manipulates your emotions so you can never quite relax. You will tiptoe around him and take on more of the workload so he doesn't cheat on you in future. Because now he's warned you it will of course be your fault if he cheats on you if you overload him or don't provide him with enough emotional care.

Woah. It would be over for me.

I think you risk assigning meaning to his words and intent to him that is not valid.

Breakdown in communication does lead to marriages breaking up and affairs. Becoming so distant from your partner you no longer feel the love and connection you did when you got together, is one path towards emotional and physical infidelity.

It doesn’t sound like he’s saying it would be okay. Far from it. He’s saying he was not in a good place and could see things going badly and he’s thankful he made the choice that didn’t put more strain on your relationship and his connection to you.

There are protective behaviours people can engage in that make infidelity less likely. Communicating well, especially when you’re struggling, is one of them. That’s hardly news. And if you saw it in an article you’d probably think - that makes sense. Your DP has just personalised it, has recognised the mechanism that makes that advice true, and talked about it in a way that makes it clear he wants to be with you.

You're not overreacting as this is a horrible thing to say and I believe mostly someone would say something like this because either they have done it, but as it's no longer happening they feel safe and are almost gloating to themselves while also setting up the excuse in case it ever comes out, or they have seriously considered it and believe they have done well not actually doing it, but want you to know that it you ever put stress on them in any way or allow them to be sleep deprived from children he might be so stressed he could be 'forced' Into cheating! I can't imagine how he could be suffering from sleep deprivation so bad he couldn't handle it yet believe he would have had the energy to play away. If he was really that badly effected by sleep deprivation he wouldn't want to go off cheating. He would be so exhausted that he just wanted to sleep. I think you need to take this serious and that means taking action so that he knows in no uncertain terms that you would not tolerate cheating and he has cast doubt over his trustworthiness that will need to be earned back. If you don't there is no way of knowing whether he would take you letting it go in case you are taking it too much to heart will be translated into him thinking that you understand somehow that if he gets stressed he might need to play away. There's a small chance this was testing the waters in some way xxxx

I would prepare yourself because this is going to cause a lot of grief in the future even if he doesn't actually cheat. You will second guess him if he starts engineering time away from you and the little one that is supposed to be so that he can cope. You would wonder if it's actually so that he can try to ensure uninterrupted time and if you interrupt it you you could be accused of not supporting him enough and then if anything does come to light regarding cheating
he could try to pass it off as because he was not coping and he had tried to warn you. You're already contemplating splitting with him because of how much this has hurt you. When you say you worked through things and they were great then I wonder what you both worked through and whether it led to him getting time off or extra sleep and whether you believed you were through it and that things were returning to normal and now he's trying to get things how he wants again. Maybe he did cheat before and now he's wanting to create a situation where he can do it again, but have you worried about not letting him have space in case you push him into the arms of another woman . I actually think you might need to end this at some point as he's at the very least been totally unsupportive towards you being hurt by saying you took it the wrong way . I hate that excuse I honestly do as it means a person can say anything unreasonable they want to and if you dare react to it they can say that they didn't mean it that way.
Even when you explain to them valid reasons they still say, but it's not like that , I didnt mean it that way, you've taken it the wrong way. They don't tend to explain how you are wrong so much though. They usually start getting all dramatic saying "I don't know, you've taken it wrong, that's all I know' and if you don't back off then they start with the whole 'you think the worst of me , I can't explain how I feel without you starting on me' etc. He's a dickhead I'm afraid. I just know it and the things you've explained all are the same way one of my ex's would act so I do know that he is not trustworthy and he's setting you up to be trained . I'm so sorry xxx

You are not overreacting. That's the most stupid comment I have ever heard!!
Every parent goes through the sleep deprivation phase and whilst I agree it can be really hard, that's absolutely no excuse for his comment. You should be pulling together as a team and he should be supporting you with it. Not threatening he would have cheated.
It would really worry me that he thought it's acceptable and normal that when things get hard, he will just cheat to make it better for himself...?

I think he is giving himself permission to cheat.

4 month old here. We are exhausted too. Even when we do think of sex, it is with each other. We feel like we need to reconnect and spend time together. There is no way you could think about sex with someone else with what little energy you have. I know everyone is different but my DH desires me even more since becoming the mother of his child. IMO that is how it should be. I am also assured by many other parents that teething is going to be a fresh new hell . . .

It's like it's a punishment from him to you, like it's all your fault. Get rid of him, what an awful man.

Wow! What a prick!

Being able to communicate in a marriage is healthy and keeps people together , this bit is true.
But him saying that if he wasn't able to tell you how difficult he found the newborn stage then he would have cheated is a load of bollocks and is a shot across the bows to let you know that he fully intends to use this as an excuse in the future.

What an odd thing to say. Not sure how being so exhausted with the newborn phase could lead to someone cheating. Bizarre - so no, you’re not being unreasonable

The newborn phase nearly broke me and my husband.....never again but I digress. What it didn't and doesn't make any normal person do is cheat when emotional support and investment is needed most.
I'd be suspicious.

He's setting ypu up to be the default parent. Don't let parenting become too much of a burden for him or he will cheat.

I was a default parent, now I'm a single one. Being a single parent is a much better option.

What this sounds like is that when your baby arrived, he was sad that he was no longer the most important thing in your life. So spat his dummy out and had a strop.

How actively involved is he with the child now or are you doing everything?

I don't know what I would do with this. He hasn't cheated but the suggestion that he might if you guys don't communicate well??? If your relationship breaks down you work at it or split up. You don't cheat. I think you need to be honest with him and explain his comments aren't acceptable and neither is cheating for any reason. I'd also say you are questioning the validity of your relationship. If he apologising and says it came out wrong/he didn't mean it etc then perhaps let it go (if it's a one off issue) but if he digs his heels in that cheating is acceptable if ur unhappy I don't think I'd trust that person any more.

I know all parents have a shit time of it during one stage of parenthood or another and for us with DS, the sleep deprivation was horrific...we both had hallucinations at one point 🤦‍♀️ so I feel your pain.

I read your post out to my DH. His response? 'What an absolute fucking dick. He sounds very immature'.

Your partner is probably pre-warning you that when times get tough again then he's fully entitled to shag someone else because it'll save his mental health. Knob. Respect and trust would be lost for me.

Also, just wondering, when you say 'you worked through it together' (the early newborn stage), can you explain how?

If it was you giving him time 'off' as a parent, him going out more with friends, him not doing the night feeds (if bottle feeding), you changing all nappies, you dealing with pretty much everything...then you do have a problem building. If things get tough again and you can't give him his freedom to do other stuff then, you'll feel under so much pressure to keep him happy...but what about your needs and happiness?

And you dealt with the lack of sleep after 9 months of pregnancy and then delivery.
Personally, I would want him to take some sort of stress management training. I couldn’t bear thinking that if things get tough his penis will go searching for stress relief

I’d worry he’s actually cheated or at least sexting with a view to cheating and is just testing what your reaction will be if you find out and rewriting the narrative “Remember we were in so much trouble” etc