AIBU not to help DD out with childcare?

[reesep]

DD has a son with special needs age 5, and a daughter age 1.

She has requested I look after them one day at a weekend, every month. She has also requested I do some daytime childcare during the school holidays

This is so she can get into nursing. She's desperate to be a nurse and has been accepted into a Healthcare Assistant role on bank, meaning she can pick shifts

AIBU not to provide such rigid help? It's too much of an expectation and I can't handle it

I do feel bad but it's just too much. She also lives 1.5 hours away so it would mean bringing the DC here

AIBU?

She will need help if the father is so useless... Could you help pay for a childminder? I'm not sure what else she can do as childcare is so expensive.

Personally, I can see from her perspective she is completely screwed without your help, and as your kids are older they can prob even help babysit? It would be a great kindness.

There is no way realistically it would be one day a month. What about all the other days? Who has the kids then?

This common sense point seems to have got lost in the spite directed at OP - who perhaps not surprisingly appears to have gone

I also suspect there may also be some projecting going on from parents who expect massive amounts of childcare from their own DPs, realise in their heart of hearts that it's not ideal and are somehow trying to persuade themselves that "It's all okay really" because only a thoroughly selfish parent would refuse

Otherwise it's hard to see why folk keep insisting "It's only one day a month" when it's patently obvious it'll be vastly more than that

Have a medal 🏅 How can anyone provide one day a month child care for a nurse? We all know one day a month isn’t full time work.

Tell me please. I provide child care for my 3 children 3 days a week, extra during school holidays, whilst struggling to hold down a part time job and clean up after my adult children. They think they are adult enough to clean, cook and look after themselves. In their world maybe. In my world NOT!

There is no way on this earth would I be able to drop everything if DD decides she can’t pick the children up tonight because she has an early start in the morning.

Where does “support” end?

I know all too well that whatever a mother does will never be enough.

One day a month plus “some” days during holidays to help out with childcare for a nurse? Pull the other one! 😂

Why do posters think it’s OP’s responsibility to provide childcare? The childrens father and his parents have a part to play here too.

Maybe DD could provide childcare for her siblings for her mother to find work. Or does it not work that way? 🤷🏻‍♀️

If OP cannot help out why do posters insist she can? Everyone’s needs are different. Maybe you should walk in OP’s shoes.

In fact you sound the ideal solution to DD’s needs. I’m sure OP will welcome a pm from you to pass on your willingness to help her DD with free childcare, as and when she needs it. Go you 👏👏

I have 5 married children, two adopted children (still living at home) and several long term foster children living with me. There is no way would I agree to tying myself down to look after GC on an ad hoc basis.

It’s just not possible.

I keep weekends free to see my GC. I’m always there for emergencies. But no way would I be able to support my adult, married dc to go to college or pursue a full time job.

I also suspect there may also be some projecting going on from parents who expect massive amounts of childcare from their own DPs, realise in their heart of hearts that it's not ideal and are somehow trying to persuade themselves that "It's all okay really" because only a thoroughly selfish parent would refuse

Bingo @Puzzledandpissedoff

It's the thin end of the wedge. Soon she will expect OP to provide childcare coverage for all her shifts.

The nastiest of the ones against op started a thread entitled ‘Why should I pay for you to have a child?’ and has comments where she appears pretty salty at having to pay out so much for childcare and in others she says she has a 'nightmare family ' so yes that person possibly is projecting here slightly. I actually thought she might be a troll given the goady nature of many of her threads and posts. I'm sure she'll be back again soon to ask me what im rambling on about 😂

You don’t sound like a very invested mother or grandmother . . You are allowed to say no by all means but I pity your daughter , she deserves more supportive parents . You don’t even seem to live your grandkids , most grandparents with Siracusa needs grandchildren love them unconditionally.

As it is OP does bugger all for her struggling daughter, she doesn’t even drive to see her - she makes her poor daughter do the 3 hour round trip every week to her house. She hasn’t once mentioned going to her daughter’s house to babysit or even bring lunch to her one day. The best she could offer is ‘a little walk with DGS, if DD moves closer’. Ugh

How do you know OP MAKES her dd drive a 3 hour round trip to see her? Maybe OP would prefer to have the weekend to herself. Did you ever consider that? You have no idea what OP’s week entails. Sometimes GC are not the be all and end all you know

Wow the knives are really out tonight.

Anyone considering training as a nurse with a young family needs flexible, robust, watertight and geographically close childcare. It needs planning upfront, you can't wing it. Sadly your DD doesn't have the support from the children's father and you live too far away and have care responsibilities yourself.

Your DD may have wonderful goals but she has to be realistic about how she can manage care for her children and her training. Even if you were able and willing to help - she's being totally unrealistic about getting the children to you as you live 1.5 hrs away - all this talk about driving the kids there and back before and after a 12 hr shift is just wishful thinking.

It's a great shame but sometimes being a good parent means having to say No and supporting your child through that disappointment.

So what if the nursing career doesn't work out for her!!! Right now she is probably feeling like the walls are closing in and she is having all her opportunities taken away. Give her the help she needs for NOW. Don't not help her now just because you think she'll ask more of you later.

That's exactly what I was thinking and that's without one of the children having very high needs. On the surface it looks a little bit selfish, but the fact he op mentions not wanting to commit to a rigid schedule when it's one day a month and some of the holidays makes it seem that she doesn't want to commit to this because then it will become a case of her feeling like she has to do those set days no matter what happens to complicate matters and also its inevitable that her daughter will end up asking for more help that would be much harder to say no to once she is on the course.

I've studied nursing and it's unlike other university courses that are from late sep/early Oct till may as you study the whole year in blocks of placements and uni time. This means that even on a part time course her daughter would need childcare much more often than one weekend day a month and school holidays.

You simply can't choose to only do shifts mon-friday in term time and one weekend day a month. At my university we were also expected to do a minimum of 7 night shifts a year too. In short the NHS and nurses provide care 24/7 365 days a year so they insist that you do shifts in many of your placements as that is what you will be doing in most nursing jobs.

It seems as if a lot of posters are picking up on the one day at a weekend and some daytime school holidays care request and ignoring the 3 hour round trip, the demands of nursing training and should she complete it, the realities of the job. It sounds like the OPs daughter is focused on her dream and not the basic practicalities of the situation, which with children so young are going to be a factor for a long, long time. OP is seeing the pitfalls, her daughter isn't.

OP if you don't want to do it that's fine.

YANBU

I think a lot of posters are also ignoring that the OP has a 10 and 15 year old to factor in.

I can see both sides of this TO AN EXTENT.

However your reluctance to help sounds like it is out of self interest rather than worrying your daughter is not going to cope with juggling her children and career, ie having her best interests at heart. Are you also a single parent? You seem to make reference to a partner. Is this your daughter’s dad? How does he feel about all of this? Do you work full time? Are your ten and fifteen year olds high needs?

She must feel isolated as a single parent of two children, one with special needs. Especially with your tone suggesting you’re not particularly close or invested in supporting her. She didn’t set out to become a single parent. She didn’t set out to get divorced and have no help from the father. Life sometimes throws you a curveball or two and families should be there to support each other through it. Feel a bit overwhelmed at the prospect of caring for a high needs child? Then learn how to- his mother- your daughter- didn’t have a choice and is doing it alone.

I’m not saying you need to commit to this childcare, to be honest nursing does sound unrealistic without spousal support in the household- but don’t you think you could be a bit more involved and supportive? Your comment about taking the child for a walk if they moved closer is really sad.

@TalkisChips apparently a lot of posters seem to believe that 10 and 15 year olds are practically able to look after themselves and their nephews and nieces, unlike adult DDs

@Wiluli so my kids grandparents all live over an hour away by our choice, does that mean they should all move into our village to prove they love them? What a totally bizarre opinion

You are being very mean if you will not do this for your daughter

Jesus that's harsh

So your dd has a child with special needs, is trying to get work so she can provide for them and is going for a divorce and you don’t want to help her? If you can’t help practically could you help financially? Even have the younger one sometimes? It sounds like you’re prioritizing your younger kids who I’m assuming (I might be really wrong here so do say so if so!) are from a different relationship?

Well yes one does normally prioritise DCs under 16, against those over 16, what with them not being able to look after themselves solo and all.

There's no doubt the DD has a hard life. Single DP, one high needs DS, but sad as that is that doesn't mean the OP has to provide open ended childcare so she can pursue her dream career.

It's evident with OP living 1.5 hrs away and having her own under age dependents, that she can only provide limited childcare. Even if OP had gone great yes I'll do it, how sustainable is a 3 hr round trip each way to get to work. OP would doubtless then have to do some of the travel, how many days during school holidays- when OPs own DCs may want a holiday before they get too old to want to go away with their DPs.

It's sad and OP just sounds pragmatic to me.

Being 1.5 hours away will make things difficult, but I can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to help your DD to further her career.

YANBU, if you don't feel you can commit to it, better you say that so your DD knows she can rely on the childcare coming from you. I don't understand why people think Grandparents are obligated to help, it's great if they do but it's not a given.