AIBU to think that gentle parenting does more harm than good

[Hdaniels11]

I have a friend with a child the same age as mine (3). I like and value this friend, and shes had quite a shit life, with some turbulent times recently. Shes not with her sons dad anymore.

We had children at the same time, and i always felt very affectionate towards her little boy. But recently, his behaviour has behaviour has been appalling.

He doesnt listen to anything, hits btes and kicks other children; has insane ridiculous tantrums that go on for hours. My friends response to this is to indulge him as much as she can, never tells him off properly. For example, if my child picks up one of his toys, he will come over, snatch it and push my kid over. My friends response is to tell him: "dont worry, mummy knows your a good boy" She believes that telling him off would ‘damage his self esteem’ and that he’s ‘not being naughty, just expressing himself’

Its got so bad her ds’ nursery have had to have a word with her about his behaviour, saying that he is hurting other children and doesnt listen to anything. Her response to this is to get annoyed that hes being told off, and to refuse to accept there is a problem.

She went to get him checked out to see if he had autism or ADHD a year or so ago to see if their could be a diagnosis that could explain his behaviour. Its just her ‘gentle’ approach that is stunting his sense of empathy, discipline and self regulation.

In a deprived area, i feel you would this neglect. However, because shes middle class and is ‘gentley parenting’ its fine. I worry what will become of him, and i can fully imagine that as soon as school raise any issues, she will pull him outand home school him.

AIBU to think it actually stunts the child's growth never being punished properly for bad behaviour?

That's not gentle parenting, that's bad parenting. Gentle parenting is very effective. The issue is that it's rarely done properly, and people hide behind the label when really they're just ineffective.

That’s not gentle parenting. It’s parenting without boundaries. She’s a permissive parent who’s misunderstood what gentle parenting is. Gentle parenting enforces boundaries, but doesn’t do it with fear and threats.

Gentle parenting is just ridiculous in all aspects. Children don't need to be pandered to 24/7 even when they've misbehaved. The world isn't going to be kind to them forever and developing resilience is so important.

There absolutely IS a place for gentle parenting but what your friend is doing is not gentle parenting, she's avoiding parenting full stop.

Done properly, gentle parenting does teach resilience. It's just very, very rarely done properly.

Gentle parenting isn't permissive/ineffective parenting.

Everyone else has already said it it but I agree, that’s not gentle parenting, that’s rubbish parenting!

She seems to be mistaking gentle parenting for "no parenting". As PP have said, gentle parenting is enforcing boundaries without threats etc. But she is just letting him get away with bad behaviour that needs correcting. Countless studies have shown that clear boundaries are good for self esteem and trust, not bad for it.

I really hate the term “gentle parenting”. It just sounds stupid.

I agree with the actual principles of gentle parenting but think the label is hugely misleading and unhelpful and is wrongly used 99% of the time.

What your friend is doing is permissive parenting.

Whatever it's called, there's too much of this shit around and they need to stop spreading it to my children, it's as undermining as all hell.

My SEN son tried to take a cake off someone at a hospital the other day. We were there as we'd just used his epi pen for an unknown allergen. I ran over and said "No!" and the woman was so condescending. "He's all right, he can have one if he wants it." No, that's not your decision. I had to spell it out to her that we were at hospital because of an allergy (as if being brought in by ambulance wasn't enough to not give random kids food, he could have ingested a poison or had D+V or all sorts) and that he couldn't eat anything until he'd been seen by a doctor.

I'm absolutely sick of having to be so firm every time DS goes near someone with food at soft play etc because they bloody give it to him thinking they're being amazing and that I'm being mean/authoritarian and they always use these really passive-aggressive "positive sentences" to make the point that I'm blunt. No, Shirley, I'm not a dick, I'm keeping my kid alive and communicating with him in a way he understands. And they're teaching him that if he keeps doing it, he'll get the thing he wants.

It won't damage his self esteem if he's told off for poor behaviour. Your friend is setting up her son for major problems in the future. They've already started but will escalate when he starts school.
I recently read this about French parenting methods and thought a lot of it made sense.

www.rd.com/list/french-parenting/

It is very common for people who have been badly abused to parent like this. Help to deal with her past may be more effective solution.

It's piss poor parenting is what it is and at the end of the day it's her own son who she's damaging most. She's setting him for a life of not being invited anywhere or having any friends because people will want to stay away from him. Someone should really tell her that because i feel so bad for children this happens to through no fault of their own. Parents are supposed to teach our children these things, it's our job.

It is shit parenting and she is a shit parent

her little precious will grow up to be a right little cunt. I have seen it happen with friends kids

I have a friend that ‘gentle parents’ when actually she just lets her son get away with everything with no consequence. I can’t go out with them any more because his behaviour is just ott. Poor kid obviously not his fault.

I use some gentle parenting methods - talking to Dd about emotions, trying to not lose my rag and find out why she’s upset etc but that’s mostly a hangover from having parents that we’re just very nasty and I don’t want Dd to feel like that. She has boundaries and rules and knows how to behave in certain situations as I think all kids should.

That's not gentle parenting, it's non-parenting. Gentle parenting is about firm boundaries, calmly and consistently enforced. It's not rocket science. And it works.

Itds definitely not gentle parenting it's just not dealing with the issues.
More like lazy parenting.

It's just poor parenting. We are (well, try to be) what I would call authoritative or respectful parents (a Janet Lansbury term – I'd say that her stuff is most closely aligned with our own philosophy), which people sometimes think of as 'gentle' parenting, but it's still absolutely about establishing boundaries and consequences. Not intervening when your child is hurting or upsetting another isn't gentle parenting, it's just not parenting at all.

She is a shit mother with an awful child (and it is not the poor kid’s his fault that he is awful). With any luck she won’t have any more.

Did you post this the other week?

I like the idea behind gentle parenting I just don't think the world is set up for gentle parented children. I always think they must have a huge adjustment when they grow up and realise how unreasonable and disagreeable a vast amount of people are.

TBF I don’t really think that’s gentle parenting. I don’t know much about it and it’s been along time since I’ve had a small child, but I thought gentle parenting was just not shouting or getting angry, but there would still be consequences for when the child played up. What you’re describing is lack of parenting.

I had a friend, we are no longer friends, whose child is about the same age as mine. When the DC were small, her DC would have a tantrum because she said no to something he wanted. Then she’d spend 15 minutes trying to negotiate with him in the middle of the shopping center, then he’d end up getting what he wanted anyway. It drove me mad and I couldn’t cope with it so withdrew myself from the friendship.

I also know someone else who has DC the same age as mine. She said she’s always done gentle parenting, and her DC have never played up. In reality her DC are rude and manipulative, and the reason they’ve never played her up is because she’s never said no to them. The DC can do absolutely no wrong in her eyes whatsoever. If they get in trouble at school, which they frequently do, it’s always the school’s fault/another child’s fault. It drives me mad.

neither of these things are gentle parenting, though, they are just negligent parenting or push over parenting. Gentle parenting as I understand doesn’t just involve capitulating to the will of your child and taking the path of least resistance, it means actually parenting, with natural and logical consequences, but done in such a way where you don’t indoctrinate into the child the immediate recourse to anger or violence.

Oh your poor friend, she's absolutely not gentle parenting and making a massive rod for her and her son's backs.

Are you in a position to be able to have the conversation about it? Or do you think she's not ready to hear it?

Another post which wilfully miss understands the concept of gentle parenting.

She’s struggling and doing a shit job. You don’t like her child, don’t respect or seem to like her, so don’t see her again and find friends on your own wave length. Extrapolating from one person to a whole parenting approach is stupid and doesn’t reflect well on you.

I think gentle parenting is the way to go, in that we should be gentle with our children. Also all the philosophies are spot on.

In practise though you need boundaries and rules and discipline (discipline in the true sense of the word, I'm not talking about punishment)

Also we have never threatened a punishment to our child, only consequences of her actions.

I started off gentle parenting but that was as a baby when there is absolutely no other way to parent because it's a baby who just needs love.

But as a toddler and young person we have a firm boundary and rule set up and we used a naughty step which I was reluctant to at first, but my husband implemented that and he's actually been the disciplinarian and all his ideas have worked amazingly.

I would never ever hit my child. I feel shouting is unnecessary and wrong. But I certainly don't subscribe to what gentle parenting is for some parents.

End of the day it's about responding to your child, and every child is different, but being a kind parent who is firm. I don't think it's difficult. But then I have a father and mother who work symbiotically and it works brilliantly.