AIBU to say something to my sister or should I butt out

[Ballygoforwards]

My sister is in her early 30s. She had a child at a relatively young age (25) and subsequently went back to university and did a degree and masters. She worked part time to fund the degree and masters. She split up from her DC’s father but he gives her the required amount of child support.
This whole time, she has lived rent free with my parents.
A couple of years ago she met someone else and they are engaged. Between them they earn 6 figures. Maybe £120k ish.
He has also moved in with my parents. They often go to his parents when her child spends the weekend with said child’s dad.
They continue to live rent free. They don’t contribute to bills, they have their meals cooked daily. All washing gets done for my sister and her DC. My parents also do drop off and pick up for their grandchild every day.
My sister tells me they’re saving up to buy a house but they live in an extremely expensive city and housing stock is low. They’re also very picky about the areas in which they’re willing to buy. They don’t want to rent as it’s “a waste of money”, believing that renting won’t allow them to save to buy something as quickly than as if they live with my parents.
This whole situation enrages my other sibling and me. My parents aren’t old but they should be out enjoying life and travelling the world; instead they’re doing the majority of my sister’s childcare and spending their pension on bills for 5 people. They’re fairly affluent but it all adds up.
Meanwhile my sister is saving a huge deposit to buy a place “at some point” but also spends plenty on nice holidays, brand new iPhone, £20k engagement ring (incidentally, this caused their home insurance premiums to rise. Guess who doesn’t contribute to their insurance premiums, or indeed their health insurance premiums) etc etc.

On the other hand, my other sibling works for the NHS, lives in an even more expensive city than the rest of my family and rents a one bedroom flat with her partner. They’d love to be able to save to buy something and work all sorts of extra shifts to try and out something aside but it’s not realistic given their outgoings and low income.

If it were up to me! my sister should move out with her child and fiancé into a rented property and continue to save albeit more slowly slowly and sacrifice a few of the luxuries. She should also put her child in wraparound care. My parents are then free to live their lives, helping out occasionally but their own terms.

Here’s my AIBU. My parents don’t seem to object to the status quo. It’s more that my other sibling and me are annoyed on their behalf. So AIBU to say something to my sister? Or my parents? Or should I mind my own business and butt out since none of the people involved seem to be unhappy with the situation.

No, I wouldn’t move back. I couldn’t really. I’ve been in the UK for a long time. I have DC settled in school. DH is from the UK. I suppose there’s an element of me hoping that when the time comes, my sister will be the one to help out my parents when they need it. I’ll help how I can but ultimately, I’ll never just be down the road.

I'd probably have a quiet word with my sister and parents separately and see if there's contributions being made that you aren't aware of because for all you know they might have some sort of agreement in place. If not then I'd float the idea of paying keep so they're still saving (it doesn't make sense for them to rent realistically if your parents are happy for them to be there) but your parents aren't paying for them either. But then I'd leave it with them because really it's up to them and you've said your parents seem to be happy with the situation.

Your sister isn't lovely at all imo.

Selfish user more like!

20k on an engagement ring when you're saving for a deposit??

Pull the other one!

I tend to agree

Well it is unfair. Your sister is a chancer. I would tell your parents that its financially unfair. If they continue to treat you and your NHS sibling unfairly that's entirely up to them. And entirely up to you if you like them less because of it.

I think its fine for you to vent on here, and for you and your other sister to be annoyed and vent to each other, but you need to keep out of it. As long as your dps aren't vulnerable then it's up to them.

I'm sure your parents will be (quietly) disappointed that your sister is unwilling / incapable of standing on her own two feet. They probably are stuck feeling guilty/ responsible and she's obviously getting enough out of the arrangement to not budge. Some people will take and take. I'd notvsay much other than to ask how their house search / childcare search is going.

None of your business.
Your parents are adults. Its their home, they can do as they wish

You should not say anything. Frankly I don't think you should know all those details anyway.

If your parents were unhappy with the arrangement no doubt they would ask for a contribution to the household. If one of them became ill or infirm, that would also change things and hopefully your sister and partner would step up.

Parents do help their adult children if they can. It won't be forever and I expect sister treats them occasionally and will do so in future. Your parents may well like the arrangement.

Having said all that, and this is just a personal opinion, I would rather have lived in a bedsitter than live with parents on either side much as I loved them - and they did help out. However, each to their own. Presumably your parents are not hard up and have sufficient room.

Tricky. Your parents may absolutely love having your sister and their grandchild at home and wouldn’t change that for the world, despite the extra responsibility for them (have RTFT but are there any health issues beyond age?). Maybe they don’t want to travel the world and just want to spend time with family?
As they are affluent I guess they are less concerned about a contribution from your sister although of course she should be making one. As you are abroad and other sister is in a different city is there perhaps a chance that this sister is also supporting them in other ways as they get older, or maybe there is an expectation she will?

if you feel they are being manipulated and taken advantage of and you need to step in fair enough but do think carefully first about maybe this is an arrangement that everyone is getting something out of, and is happy with, especially given that other siblings are not close by.

It’s absolutely nothing to do with you though. They don’t need your approval. How do you even know so much about who is and isn’t paying for things? My niece stayed with us for a few years, No one in the family knows who did what housework or who paid for things.

ask your parents if they are happy with this situation or not. My mum would much prefer to look after grandkids than travel the world so you might be projecting on to them.
Is this you worrying that effectively your parents financial contribution is not even better the three of you rather than your parents not travelling?
there are 5 kids In my family and I take the view if one or more of my siblings want to spend time with my elderly parents and as a consequence get more benefits whether childcare or money if my parents are happy that is what matters most to me

Rather than talking to your dad or raising it’s a an issue with your sister. How about having a “conspirators” conversation with her.
give her a call to check in on your parents, ask how things are there from a cost of living perspective, ask her what the energy bills are like and how are they all feeling about it.
say, “you know mum and dad never like to say anything, but as the sister who is there and sees them daily, how are they actually doing, are bills going up?”

position it as if you believe she’s a fully contributing member of the household and maybe she’ll have a ‘come to Jesus moment’ about her lack of contribution.

Ultimately they are utterly taking the piss. A couple earning £120k between them with next to no commitments mean they should have been able to buy a place within a year or two of saving up.

Look at it long term. At some point her ageing parents will require care. Whether carried out by you the children of carried out by carers and paid for by you the children.

When that time comes it will be more than fair to expect your sister to take on the lion's share of that. After all you live abroad but she has lived rent free and kept her parents company all these years.

You can visit your parents when you wish but not have the huge physical, emotional and financial burden of providing long term care.

Therefore, You will be grateful for the current dynamic in the future.

Speaking as a person with adult children , if one of mine tried to interfere in my life, I'd tell them to mind their own business.

Now if your parents were moaning to you about the situation, then that's different.

It's not your business how your parents live.

i think if your sister is so lovely you shold have a word with herabout paying some bills for your parents

she can still save alot and it would be nice to contribute

Aren't you close enough to discuss with your sister - have her see it from your POV?

If not then there's not a lot you can do if your parents are facilitating the situation. Its up your dad to agree with your mother what they're going to do.

They would probably do the same for you.

Tricky. The brother in law would irritate me, he sounds like a sponge.
But if they are happy there's really not much you can do. At some point surely they have to move on. Just be grateful you're in another country and have actually managed to set up an independent life, your sister and her partner sound very immature and selfish.

They're pretty obviously not that interested in saving if they've bought a £20k engagement ring.

They know exactly what they're doing, they just don't want to contribute.

Speak to your parents to see what they actually think. If they're happy it's not financially fair and a bit galling to see I imagine, especially for the sister in the NHS, but that's nothing to do with you.

I just think it’s a tad greedy.

I would also take my child and her child in under those circumstances and tbf you said your sister paid for her own degree and masters (are you sure about that) but that she enjoys free food, utilities and childcare?

so it’s not that much however your parents may be in awe of this guy or see him as her Prince Charming?

perhaps they think if they take nothing they will be gone quicker!!

Mind you mortgage rates will have significantly affected the type of property they were going to buy

If it were up to me!

The thing is it's not up to you. In any way. And that's the end of what you can do and say.

You also seem very convinced about a lot of the feelings, details and finances involved. I'm not sure how you know them or why you're so certain that, for example, your sister isn't repaying your parents in some way, or whether their future plans are more complex than what you've been told.

And do your parents even want to travel the world or is that something you've imagined for them? Some grandparents' dream is actually to live as a loving extended family surrounded by their kids and grandkids. Maybe this is just exactly what everyone wants - even if it's not what you'd want in their positions.

This

The financial side is really taking the piss but as a grandma I can honestly say it would be having a young child at home daily that I would struggle with.
I regularly look after my grandchild including overnight and it would be very tiring and restricting if it was every day .