AIBU to say something to my sister or should I butt out

[Ballygoforwards]

My sister is in her early 30s. She had a child at a relatively young age (25) and subsequently went back to university and did a degree and masters. She worked part time to fund the degree and masters. She split up from her DC’s father but he gives her the required amount of child support.
This whole time, she has lived rent free with my parents.
A couple of years ago she met someone else and they are engaged. Between them they earn 6 figures. Maybe £120k ish.
He has also moved in with my parents. They often go to his parents when her child spends the weekend with said child’s dad.
They continue to live rent free. They don’t contribute to bills, they have their meals cooked daily. All washing gets done for my sister and her DC. My parents also do drop off and pick up for their grandchild every day.
My sister tells me they’re saving up to buy a house but they live in an extremely expensive city and housing stock is low. They’re also very picky about the areas in which they’re willing to buy. They don’t want to rent as it’s “a waste of money”, believing that renting won’t allow them to save to buy something as quickly than as if they live with my parents.
This whole situation enrages my other sibling and me. My parents aren’t old but they should be out enjoying life and travelling the world; instead they’re doing the majority of my sister’s childcare and spending their pension on bills for 5 people. They’re fairly affluent but it all adds up.
Meanwhile my sister is saving a huge deposit to buy a place “at some point” but also spends plenty on nice holidays, brand new iPhone, £20k engagement ring (incidentally, this caused their home insurance premiums to rise. Guess who doesn’t contribute to their insurance premiums, or indeed their health insurance premiums) etc etc.

On the other hand, my other sibling works for the NHS, lives in an even more expensive city than the rest of my family and rents a one bedroom flat with her partner. They’d love to be able to save to buy something and work all sorts of extra shifts to try and out something aside but it’s not realistic given their outgoings and low income.

If it were up to me! my sister should move out with her child and fiancé into a rented property and continue to save albeit more slowly slowly and sacrifice a few of the luxuries. She should also put her child in wraparound care. My parents are then free to live their lives, helping out occasionally but their own terms.

Here’s my AIBU. My parents don’t seem to object to the status quo. It’s more that my other sibling and me are annoyed on their behalf. So AIBU to say something to my sister? Or my parents? Or should I mind my own business and butt out since none of the people involved seem to be unhappy with the situation.

I'm angry on your behalf but the conversation needs to be with your parents. Are they happy with the situation?

I’m very fond of my sister by the way. She a lovely person and would do anything for anyone

nothing lovely about her, sounds like a leachy cf.

I think its on your parents, they are grown ups making their own decisions. They might be happy of the company and well off enough to not care about whether people make a contribution. I dont think any good would come from getting involved.

Personally I could never live off someone else and not pay my way, but everyone is different I guess!

Keep out. You’re parents can speak for themselves.

If one of my children tried to manage my relationship with another one of my children, they would be told to butt the fuck out.

Maybe your parents have enough money and would rather enjoy the love and company of their daughter and grandchild than anything else. That is how I would feel, I think, and it doesn't make me a mug.

It is not that I have one 'golden child', as I would be equally happy if any one of my three kids moved in and 'took advantage' of me. If everyone is enjoying the shared life, and no one is feeling used or controlled, perhaps it is a happy thing, a solution to the fragmentation and isolation of modern life.

I understand your feelings but you cannot say anything until your parents say something.

Have you had any chance to speak about this with your parents in private?

I get where you're coming from but your parents sound financially well off and of sound mind- what's stopping them telling your sister to arrange childcare and then travelling if they want to? Are you sure they're not encouraging the current situation? I would be pissed off at the fiance moving in and doing this level of freeloading even if your parents were enjoying having them around. Speaking to your dad sounds a good idea. If he isn't as happy as your sister thinks then your affirmation in putting some new rules in place may be helpful. If your parents are content then I'm afraid it's their house and money.

They’re a pair of freeloaders living off your parents. Having said that your parents are allowing this so what can you do. If you don’t want to point out the obvious this will only go on and on. Why would your sister want to make changes when life is so easy for her?
I had this with my brother - my parents were at his beck and call, looking after his children, doing his garden and funding things for his home while he was able to take fancy holidays. The result is my two sons have no relationship with my mother who is now widowed because she was always too busy to spend time with them. And my brother and his wife can’t be bothered with my mother because she’s too old to be useful to them.
just make sure you’re not the one picking up the slack with your parents in the future when they’re no longer pandering to your sister and her family. She may be a lovely person but she’s selfish.

Yeah, she'd do anything for anyone.... except pay a fair share of household expenses!

I can entirely understand why this enraged you and your other sibling. It would me too. Saying that - not sure what you can realistically do. Have you discussed with your sister that it's a bit unfair how much of your folks time and money she's syphoning off? Awkward conversation to engineer for sure.

Rubbih. She is not a lovely person and she won't do anything for anyone. She doesn't do anything for her own parents, except take massive advantage of them

This. We had people stay but they contributed financially. My DH and I lived at my parents’ when our house purchase dragged but we contributed financially and cooked and cleaned. Sure they are saving but they can pay the extra insurance and bung them a few hundred. What a cheek. But you do need to also find out how parents feel. If they are fed up, then sister and them need to talk, after an initial chat from you maybe. If they are not bothered then it is not for you to be annoyed, provided they are not left out of
pocket.

Even though your parents seem okay with your Sister living there for free, I can't get my head around her partner doing the same.
I would have to say something to him as sell, in what universe do you earn £60K and think it's acceptable for both sets of parents to still pay for your food, housing and bills as well as providing childcare? It's time to start acting like adults.

Let's hope when your parents need constant care, they return the favour. Somehow I doubt it as your sister and partner are incredibly selfish.

I wouldn't speak to the sister first. I'm sure she's nice in a lot of ways but knows which side her bread is buttered and has a selfish streak to accept all this help (and just move a bloke in). I would guess he is similar if he is happy to live off his partner's family to this extent.

I think it could turn ugly and about 'you only care about your inheritance, at least I see our parents'. It could all be repeated to other family members in a distorted way. People don't like being challenged on their selfish behaviour or the threat of having their meal ticket removed.

Approach parents first and sound them out.

It's not unreasonable to live with parents to save for a house deposit. It's also not unreasonable for grandparents to help with childcare as long as they are happy to do so, and physically able to do so.

I do feel that if I was living with my parents as an adult I'd contribute to household tasks like cooking and laundry though. And a 20k engagement ring doesn't make sense if they are truly saving for a house.

I can also understand why it might not seem fair on you and your other sibling but that's a conversation you need to have with your parents rather than your sister IMO.

Thank you, this is a really interesting and alternative way of looking at it actually. And probably subconsciously why I have stayed out of it until now.

Stay out of it OP.

I have a not too dissimilar situation and whilst I’ve felt v annoyed on my mums behalf over the years, I’ve kept my views largely to myself.

I continue to have a lovely relationship with my Dsis and Dnephew and learnt to accept my parents decision to unconditionally support them in many ways. I also live away and I think you sometimes have to accept that whilst your mindset moves on and you’ve become fully independent, it is not necessarily the same for those who stay behind.

It sounds like you have a lovely family so I think you and your sibling need to put this to bed and move on.

"If one of my children tried to manage my relationship with another one of my children, they would be told to butt the fuck out."

Same here. In fact over the years, they have, but I parent my adult children in the way that it suits me and that individual adult child. It isn't a joint decision.

I practically co parent my GC, my DD is a LP. They keep me young and it's a life that I want. I don't want to do anything else. Or spend my money on anything else. That doesn't make me a fool, as previously suggested. It's also a lovely set up for your niece.

Just out of interest OP, would you move back if they needed company once your Sister moves out? How much company does your other sibling provide? Did either of you let your parents dictate how you lived your life and what you spent your money on?

Your parents are ok with this so it’s none of your business.

Maybe with you in another country and their other child living in another city, they like the company. They can speak up if they are unhappy

I would be really annoyed if my children interfered in my life. If I want to have one of my children living with me rent free til I’m dead, that’s my choice. If I wanted to have anyone at all live with me rent free and do everything for them, again, that’s my choice.

I’m not convinced this is coming from a place concern for your parents. If I was them and you had a conversation with me about it, you would be told to keep that huge nose of yours out.

I would ask my parents if they are happy with it and go from there.

It is your parents' house and their decision. If they are happy with it and have capacity then it's not your place to tell them they can't live the way they are choosing to. If they tell you they are not actually ok with it then you can ask them if they would like you to help.

Personally, I'd stay out.

Did your parents work long hours when you were growing up? I wonder whether they like being there to help with their grandchild.

You're making the assumptions of what they should be doing with their lives. They might be very happy with their set up.

Have you spoken to them about it?

The most you could do without risking falling out with dsis is drop seeds to get both parties thinking about what they want (your parents) and what they should do (dsis), but you would need to be subtle.

Honestly this is purely about my parents. Without sounding like a total nob, financially my husband and I have done well. Money isn’t an issue. I don’t mind what my parents do with their money but I just don’t like seeing them taken advantage of. And this is why I’ve posted. Because it seems like they (well especially my mum) doesn’t feel like she’s been taken advantage of. So therefore I just butt out and assume that my parents would say something to my sister if they weren’t happy. It was when the fiancé moved in that irked me more than anything. He is the higher earner by the way. He probably earns £80k and my sister about £40k if that makes a difference.
But how can a 40 year old man earning £80k be willing to move in with his fiancé’s parents and be happy to contribute absolutely nothing. And meanwhile he’s happy spend a fortune on holidays and nice restaurants while they’re funding the gas bill out of their pensions.
Even if I should just keep my feeling to myself - and I probably will - I can’t help but hate seeing them (especially him) take advantage of my pensioner parents.
incidentally I don’t dislike my sisters fiancé. Quite the opposite. But don’t have a massive amount of respect for him.

Maybe ask your sister for her timeline on getting a house/moving out? If she is saying a year then that may change your perspective