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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want someone else's unwanted tat?

92 replies

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 08/11/2022 09:16

I have a friend who is ruthlessly decluttering her house, one room at a time. I've not seen determination and commitment like it and for that I am in awe. I have told her this and she is fully aware that I desperately need to declutter too, but am putting it off to the new year (again!).

I also admire friend for her green credentials. She rarely throws anything she doesn't want out and will try to re home as much as possible via friends/ freecycle/FB market place etc. So far, so good. However...

I frequently (at least weekly) receive texts asking me if I want x,,y, z. 99% of the time I don't . When I say no, a debate ensues where she tries to convince me I need something and makes me feel guilty if I refuse.
Copy of conversation from the last couple of days 'Hi Rocking, would you like this vase?) (attaches pic) ' thank you that is lovely of you to offer but I have loads of vases already' . 'But this one is really unusual, you're not likely to have one like this' 'I don't but I really don't have room and as you know an also in need of a declutter too' 'lit's such a lovely colour' 'it is but not my colour scheme, it's a definite no'. 'Oh, thought I'd try you first as I was sure you'd like it. I thought it would be perfect for your conservatory, but what do I know Such a shame'

I then didn't respond any further.

I then see the same article offered via a couple of WhatsApp groups we both belong to and as least 3 FB groups As a one off, that wouldn't bother me but with so many different things it's really starting to grate.

The other thing that annoys me: On the rare occasion I say yea, maybe a book I'd be interested in, she puts it in a bag with other stuff I don't want or need so I then need to dispose of the stuff I don't want. One time I was out and she left a box of stuff with a message 'pretty sore you can use this stuff'.

I guess I live closer to her than the tip, plus she won't throw anything out until she's exhausted all avenues, but doesn't take things to charity shops because that is too much effort. So end up taking her unwanted stuff to the charity shop - after I've cleaned it because it's usually a bit grubby and covered in cat hairs.

I can't block her, and don't want to, but this is all making me irrationally annoyed. Any ideas how I deal with it? I have tried the firm 'please don't offer me any more stuff as I really need to cut down myself' but I was still then offered a yoghurt maker.as she was sure I could use it.
I guess it's my issue to deal with that it is annoying me so much, but also the practical inconvenience of then having to clean and dispose of what she doesn't want, and she doesn't live close enough to just drop it back at her house.

Maybe just this rant will help! Thanks if you've read this far

OP posts:
snowfairyintheshops · 08/11/2022 09:18

I think you need to be more blunt.

If she messages with a picture, just say 'No, thanks' and ignore any further messages about the item. Don't engage.

gamerchick · 08/11/2022 09:22

Tell her no thankyou and ignore any other messages about it. It's pure laziness what she's doing.

PortalooSunset · 08/11/2022 09:24

Take it all. Store in your garage and then when you declutter dump the whole lot on her doorstep.

PortalooSunset · 08/11/2022 09:24

Or just say no thanks and don't engage further.

thelobsterquadrille · 08/11/2022 09:25

Stop being so nice.

Don't accept any of it and just say no.

Chikapu · 08/11/2022 09:26

I won't be saying yes to any of your tat, please stop asking.

SomeUnspokenThing · 08/11/2022 09:27

Yup, as the previous posters have said. When she offers you her crap just say "No thanks" each and every time. Even if it's something you might want, because whatever it is it won't be worth the irritation and hassle of getting rid of the extra gubbins that she also gives you.

dottiedodah · 08/11/2022 09:28

She is using you as free declutter service.always amazes me how bold these types are.just say look Jane ,I have enough stuff already thanks but no thanks.ignore if she texts you about it

Shinyandnew1 · 08/11/2022 09:29

I guess it's my issue to deal with that it is annoying me so much

Yes, it is. Send one message saying you need to declutter yourself so don’t need any extra stuff. Then send a laughing emoji to anything else she offers you and just don’t engage.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 08/11/2022 09:30

Hoarding by proxy.

My parents do it. Most recently it was the ugliest 80s style wash bag shoved through by letter box with the instructions that if I couldn’t find a home for it then they’ll have it back and give to someone else.

I threw it away. I like my home to be relatively tidy and having ‘stuff’ sitting around waiting to be moved elsewhere would just make me uncomfortable in my home.

My mum thinks it’s ‘criminal’ to throw things away.

BamBamBilla · 08/11/2022 09:31

Just say no thanks. If she trys to convince you that you'll love ot use it turn it back on her to ask "what makes you think I'll use it if you don't?"

TheSandgroper · 08/11/2022 09:33

Reply with the shortest sentence possible leaving no room for doubt. “No”. Ignore anything else.

All discussions are a two party transaction. She might want a discussion but you don’t have to be the other party. She will not die.

User478 · 08/11/2022 09:35

Tell her it doesn't spark joy for you.

shiningstar2 · 08/11/2022 09:36

Don't say things like it's a lovely vase but ....Just ...no thanks I'm decluttering myself after Christmas. Or ..no thanks I'm not taking any extra stuff so don't ask. After this just constant no thanks. Don't engage further

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 08/11/2022 09:37

Ask her: 'if it's not good enough for you, why is it good enough for me?'

Snnowflake · 08/11/2022 09:39

The mistake is to buy the stuff in the first place. To take it off the shop shelf and pay for it and take it to your home because then the manufacturer makes another and the shop puts it on the shelf etc etc and THEN it is on the planet for hundreds of years, giving it to someone else does not help this, putting it in the oxfam shop does not help this - they are still on the planet - just be fussier about what you buy and only buy what you need.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/11/2022 09:40

I frequently (at least weekly) receive texts asking me if I want x,,y, z. 99% of the time I don't . When I say no, a debate ensues where she tries to convince me I need something and makes me feel guilty if I refuse.
Copy of conversation from the last couple of days 'Hi Rocking, would you like this vase?) (attaches pic) ' thank you that is lovely of you to offer but I have loads of vases already' . 'But this one is really unusual, you're not likely to have one like this' 'I don't but I really don't have room and as you know an also in need of a declutter too' 'lit's such a lovely colour' 'it is but not my colour scheme, it's a definite no'. 'Oh, thought I'd try you first as I was sure you'd like it. I thought it would be perfect for your conservatory, but what do I know Such a shame'
Stop using ameliorative language.
"No thanks." - & disengage. No prettying it up, no reasons, no justification.
When she persists ...
"NO, & I want you to stop offering, because as you know I am also due a declutter, & I don't ant any more stuff."
If she persists ...
"As I said, I don't want your stuff. Stop asking me about this."

The other thing that annoys me: On the rare occasion I say yea, maybe a book I'd be interested in, she puts it in a bag with other stuff I don't want or need so I then need to dispose of the stuff I don't want. One time I was out and she left a box of stuff with a message 'pretty sore you can use this stuff'.
Stop saying YES.
To any of it. Even stuff you feel you could use/want.
If she dumps stuff on you again - do NOT clean it for her & take it to the charity shops for her. Put it in your car, & next time you are near her house - dump it straight back on her doorstep.
No note, no explanation. She'll know where it came from!
If she messages you about it -
"I've already told you I don't want your stuff. Why are you not listening?"

I can't block her, and don't want to, but this is all making me irrationally annoyed. Any ideas how I deal with it? I have tried the firm 'please don't offer me any more stuff as I really need to cut down myself' but I was still then offered a yoghurt maker.as she was sure I could use it.
I guess it's my issue to deal with that it is annoying me so much, but also the practical inconvenience of then having to clean and dispose of what she doesn't want, and she doesn't live close enough to just drop it back at her house.
She keeps offering because you are not being assertive enough with your NO.
And you are sending mixed messages by accepting the tat she dumps at your door.
It is worth going out of your way to drive to hers & dump it back on her.
Gotta be easier than keeping on accepting it, & meekly cleaning & charity-shopping it, surely?

Your yoghurt maker example - "why are you still offering me your old stuff? I HAVE TOLD YOU I WANT YOU TO STOP FOISTING YOUR OLD STUFF ON ME. Is that too complicated for you to understand?"
or even
"NO I do NOT want to spend any more time cleaning up your old stuff & disposing of it at a charity shop. If you no longer want it - YOU clean it up & take it to a shop."

It's hardly suprising you're annoyed OP. She's using you, & greenwashing her actions as virtuous. You are not her recycling centre, & with pushy types like her, you need to be clear & direct to the point of rudeness. Otherwise she will just keep riding over your objections - clear as they are to 'normal' folk.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 08/11/2022 09:42

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 08/11/2022 09:30

Hoarding by proxy.

My parents do it. Most recently it was the ugliest 80s style wash bag shoved through by letter box with the instructions that if I couldn’t find a home for it then they’ll have it back and give to someone else.

I threw it away. I like my home to be relatively tidy and having ‘stuff’ sitting around waiting to be moved elsewhere would just make me uncomfortable in my home.

My mum thinks it’s ‘criminal’ to throw things away.

This.

My dm is the same and can’t stand waste. But I need her to de clutter as I help with her housework (she will not have a cleaner), I have told her that there is a lovely charity shop near me that is so very grateful for all of her lovely things. She’s constantly bagging ‘good’ stuff up for me to take. It all goes to the tip. I feel slightly guilty but it’s the only way.

Wherehasthecommonsensegone · 08/11/2022 09:42

As posters above have said, just say no thanks. When you caveat your no with other statements e.g. I don’t have room, I’m guessing it’s your way of trying to give a polite no but it sends a message that you would want it if it wasn’t for the space/gives her reason to think there’s room to convince you. Remember No and No thank you are complete sentences. Then she’ll learn that your no actually means no.

Musti · 08/11/2022 09:43

Be honest with her. Tell her that you have more than enough with your own stuff and her giving you stuff that you have to clean and take to charity is not fair on you.

Mirabai · 08/11/2022 09:45

My mum did this complete with emotional blackmail and I pointed out that decluttering involves letting go of the items. If she wants you to have it she’s not completely letting it go.

Is there are reason why you’re not saying: With all due respect I don’t want your tat please stop contacting me about it.

That’s what I did. And it stopped.

TootsAtOwls · 08/11/2022 09:47

Start your own declutter (or at least pretend to) and every time she messages you, say "Oh I'm glad you've texted, you've reminded me I wanted to offer you this!" piece of tat) then press her to take it, using her own lines. She'll soon stop if it ends up annoying HER every time.

Much more fun than just repeating "no thanks".

KettrickenSmiled · 08/11/2022 09:47

OP - have a read of this - outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Does that help make sense of why so many PP are advising you to stick to the "no thanks" & DISENGAGE COMPLETELY tactic?

When you get sucked into her back & forth about why she reckons you should take her crap ... you are giving her argument credence (in her head) just by engaging in it.

Instead, you need to demonstrate that her argument carries zero weight - by simply not having it.
"I said NO, you need to stop asking me."
I appreciate you don't want to block, but why not try sending that short message next time - then muting her for 24 hours?
Then when you decide to open her inevitable tedious tat messages - just delete them without response.

GADDay · 08/11/2022 09:49

User478 · 08/11/2022 09:35

Tell her it doesn't spark joy for you.

Hahaha 😆😂😆😂

IntrovertedPenguin · 08/11/2022 09:54

"I need to declutter my own home, thanks for thinking of me though."

Most charity shops offer a pick up scheme if she's donating lots. It's worth her looking into.

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