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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want someone else's unwanted tat?

92 replies

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 08/11/2022 09:16

I have a friend who is ruthlessly decluttering her house, one room at a time. I've not seen determination and commitment like it and for that I am in awe. I have told her this and she is fully aware that I desperately need to declutter too, but am putting it off to the new year (again!).

I also admire friend for her green credentials. She rarely throws anything she doesn't want out and will try to re home as much as possible via friends/ freecycle/FB market place etc. So far, so good. However...

I frequently (at least weekly) receive texts asking me if I want x,,y, z. 99% of the time I don't . When I say no, a debate ensues where she tries to convince me I need something and makes me feel guilty if I refuse.
Copy of conversation from the last couple of days 'Hi Rocking, would you like this vase?) (attaches pic) ' thank you that is lovely of you to offer but I have loads of vases already' . 'But this one is really unusual, you're not likely to have one like this' 'I don't but I really don't have room and as you know an also in need of a declutter too' 'lit's such a lovely colour' 'it is but not my colour scheme, it's a definite no'. 'Oh, thought I'd try you first as I was sure you'd like it. I thought it would be perfect for your conservatory, but what do I know Such a shame'

I then didn't respond any further.

I then see the same article offered via a couple of WhatsApp groups we both belong to and as least 3 FB groups As a one off, that wouldn't bother me but with so many different things it's really starting to grate.

The other thing that annoys me: On the rare occasion I say yea, maybe a book I'd be interested in, she puts it in a bag with other stuff I don't want or need so I then need to dispose of the stuff I don't want. One time I was out and she left a box of stuff with a message 'pretty sore you can use this stuff'.

I guess I live closer to her than the tip, plus she won't throw anything out until she's exhausted all avenues, but doesn't take things to charity shops because that is too much effort. So end up taking her unwanted stuff to the charity shop - after I've cleaned it because it's usually a bit grubby and covered in cat hairs.

I can't block her, and don't want to, but this is all making me irrationally annoyed. Any ideas how I deal with it? I have tried the firm 'please don't offer me any more stuff as I really need to cut down myself' but I was still then offered a yoghurt maker.as she was sure I could use it.
I guess it's my issue to deal with that it is annoying me so much, but also the practical inconvenience of then having to clean and dispose of what she doesn't want, and she doesn't live close enough to just drop it back at her house.

Maybe just this rant will help! Thanks if you've read this far

OP posts:
sueelleker · 08/11/2022 09:57

"If you don't want it, why do you think I would?".

Quarique · 08/11/2022 10:08

Arrange to meet her outside the charity shop, thank her for the book and take the bag of stuff straight into the shop.

Shinyandnew1 · 08/11/2022 10:14

sueelleker · 08/11/2022 09:57

"If you don't want it, why do you think I would?".

This!

BellePeppa · 08/11/2022 10:18

TootsAtOwls · 08/11/2022 09:47

Start your own declutter (or at least pretend to) and every time she messages you, say "Oh I'm glad you've texted, you've reminded me I wanted to offer you this!" piece of tat) then press her to take it, using her own lines. She'll soon stop if it ends up annoying HER every time.

Much more fun than just repeating "no thanks".

I like this 😁

Fancylike · 08/11/2022 10:22

Like others have said, just say no. Don’t be mean about it, she’s likely feeling very guilty about throwing things out, especially if she has hoarding tendencies. Perhaps send her a link to one of the many Facebook groups that collect for people in need/junk to fix or turnaround. They will often take lots of stuff.

Newmum0322 · 08/11/2022 10:23

Ignore her messages unless it’s unrelated to tat. If she drops stuff round without asking then send her a message saying ‘please collect your things as I don’t need them’. And NEVER accept any items from her again

Toomanysleepycats · 08/11/2022 10:26

When she asks you, just tell her you have started decluttering and distract her by offering her something you will want to get rid of.

Perhaps if she has to go through what you are dealing with off her, she’ll start to shut up.

Can she get a company to come and pick stuff up.

3peassuit · 08/11/2022 10:28

You should have taken the box of stuff she left back to her. You’re not her disposal service.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 08/11/2022 10:33

Maybe before you declutter your house you should declutter your friends. She sounds awful!

notmyrealmoniker · 08/11/2022 10:33

Just say, no thanks, I am currently decluttering myself, do you want my tatty old chair?

TheGoodEnoughWife · 08/11/2022 10:33

A simple 'No thanks' and then don't engage at all.

Even if it is something you could use do not say yes! No thanks every time.

Original poster
RockingMyFiftiesNot · 08/11/2022 10:34

Thank you all. The answer is now obvious - just say no and don't engage. I guess I know this friend is easily offended so curt messages won't go down well, but I agree, that's the only way I'll get the message through. And I think next time she gives me stuff without asking I'll take it back to her saying thanks but I can't use this stuff, as I agree, she is using me to get rid of stuff and her conscience can be clear that she hasn't thrown anything away.
Good suggestion not to accept anything at all.
And thanks for listening. You know when something really winds you up, often totally out of proportion with the 'crime' - helps to just let it out!

OP posts:
Babyghirl · 08/11/2022 10:36

@RockingMyFiftiesNot
Just tell her your trying to get rid of your own rubbish without taking on anybody else.

ChateauMargaux · 08/11/2022 10:37

Reply: My house is already full - but when you are done decluttering - come round and help!!

To not want someone else's unwanted tat?
EscapeRoomToTheSun · 08/11/2022 10:37

"No, and please stop trying to dump your stuff on me"

KettrickenSmiled · 08/11/2022 10:40

Thank you all. The answer is now obvious - just say no and don't engage. I guess I know this friend is easily offended so curt messages won't go down well

Funny innit, how easily offended people who don't give a shit about other people's boundaries always are ...

Nintendonasalspray · 08/11/2022 10:42

Chikapu · 08/11/2022 09:26

I won't be saying yes to any of your tat, please stop asking.

This.

Please stop offering me your things. I don't want to them.

And don't respond to any messages about her stuff.

Facecream · 08/11/2022 10:45

As @KettrickenSmiled says, it’s always easy to offend someone who has been pushing your boundaries endlessly..,
I would say “no thank you” the first time if she replied, I’d say “I’ve said no”. Anything after that and I would just not reply to her tat texts at all

ParentallyUnprepared · 08/11/2022 10:46

Stop accepting anything. Say no once then stop engaging.

Sachertortie · 08/11/2022 10:46

I'd reply to every offer with "no thanks, but if you want to drop it off I'll take it to the tip for you". If you imply it will all end up in landfill she'll soon stop offering.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 08/11/2022 10:47

Definitely just reply 'No thanks'.

She doesn't care about annoying you by trying to palm stuff onto you so stop giving a shit about if your curt reply offends her!

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 08/11/2022 10:51

I'd reply to every offer with "no thanks, but if you want to drop it off I'll take it to the tip for you". If you imply it will all end up in landfill she'll soon stop offering.

I wouldn't, she may take the OP up on the offer!

I think the genius of that Stacey Solomon show is that someone else is dealing with the disposal problem. I could clear half my unwanted clutter if someone else was willing to do the tedious practical getting rid of it bit.

MistyRock · 08/11/2022 10:52

User478 · 08/11/2022 09:35

Tell her it doesn't spark joy for you.

Yes. That's a good one.

luckylavender · 08/11/2022 10:54

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 08/11/2022 09:16

I have a friend who is ruthlessly decluttering her house, one room at a time. I've not seen determination and commitment like it and for that I am in awe. I have told her this and she is fully aware that I desperately need to declutter too, but am putting it off to the new year (again!).

I also admire friend for her green credentials. She rarely throws anything she doesn't want out and will try to re home as much as possible via friends/ freecycle/FB market place etc. So far, so good. However...

I frequently (at least weekly) receive texts asking me if I want x,,y, z. 99% of the time I don't . When I say no, a debate ensues where she tries to convince me I need something and makes me feel guilty if I refuse.
Copy of conversation from the last couple of days 'Hi Rocking, would you like this vase?) (attaches pic) ' thank you that is lovely of you to offer but I have loads of vases already' . 'But this one is really unusual, you're not likely to have one like this' 'I don't but I really don't have room and as you know an also in need of a declutter too' 'lit's such a lovely colour' 'it is but not my colour scheme, it's a definite no'. 'Oh, thought I'd try you first as I was sure you'd like it. I thought it would be perfect for your conservatory, but what do I know Such a shame'

I then didn't respond any further.

I then see the same article offered via a couple of WhatsApp groups we both belong to and as least 3 FB groups As a one off, that wouldn't bother me but with so many different things it's really starting to grate.

The other thing that annoys me: On the rare occasion I say yea, maybe a book I'd be interested in, she puts it in a bag with other stuff I don't want or need so I then need to dispose of the stuff I don't want. One time I was out and she left a box of stuff with a message 'pretty sore you can use this stuff'.

I guess I live closer to her than the tip, plus she won't throw anything out until she's exhausted all avenues, but doesn't take things to charity shops because that is too much effort. So end up taking her unwanted stuff to the charity shop - after I've cleaned it because it's usually a bit grubby and covered in cat hairs.

I can't block her, and don't want to, but this is all making me irrationally annoyed. Any ideas how I deal with it? I have tried the firm 'please don't offer me any more stuff as I really need to cut down myself' but I was still then offered a yoghurt maker.as she was sure I could use it.
I guess it's my issue to deal with that it is annoying me so much, but also the practical inconvenience of then having to clean and dispose of what she doesn't want, and she doesn't live close enough to just drop it back at her house.

Maybe just this rant will help! Thanks if you've read this far

Send her a message saying you would like to be as ruthless & efficient as her as she's inspired you. Then tell her to stop offering you anything. Don't pander to her.

Candymay · 08/11/2022 10:57

A yoghurt maker you say …