To not want someone else's unwanted tat?

[RockingMyFiftiesNot]

I have a friend who is ruthlessly decluttering her house, one room at a time. I've not seen determination and commitment like it and for that I am in awe. I have told her this and she is fully aware that I desperately need to declutter too, but am putting it off to the new year (again!).

I also admire friend for her green credentials. She rarely throws anything she doesn't want out and will try to re home as much as possible via friends/ freecycle/FB market place etc. So far, so good. However...

I frequently (at least weekly) receive texts asking me if I want x,,y, z. 99% of the time I don't . When I say no, a debate ensues where she tries to convince me I need something and makes me feel guilty if I refuse.
Copy of conversation from the last couple of days 'Hi Rocking, would you like this vase?) (attaches pic) ' thank you that is lovely of you to offer but I have loads of vases already' . 'But this one is really unusual, you're not likely to have one like this' 'I don't but I really don't have room and as you know an also in need of a declutter too' 'lit's such a lovely colour' 'it is but not my colour scheme, it's a definite no'. 'Oh, thought I'd try you first as I was sure you'd like it. I thought it would be perfect for your conservatory, but what do I know Such a shame'

I then didn't respond any further.

I then see the same article offered via a couple of WhatsApp groups we both belong to and as least 3 FB groups As a one off, that wouldn't bother me but with so many different things it's really starting to grate.

The other thing that annoys me: On the rare occasion I say yea, maybe a book I'd be interested in, she puts it in a bag with other stuff I don't want or need so I then need to dispose of the stuff I don't want. One time I was out and she left a box of stuff with a message 'pretty sore you can use this stuff'.

I guess I live closer to her than the tip, plus she won't throw anything out until she's exhausted all avenues, but doesn't take things to charity shops because that is too much effort. So end up taking her unwanted stuff to the charity shop - after I've cleaned it because it's usually a bit grubby and covered in cat hairs.

I can't block her, and don't want to, but this is all making me irrationally annoyed. Any ideas how I deal with it? I have tried the firm 'please don't offer me any more stuff as I really need to cut down myself' but I was still then offered a yoghurt maker.as she was sure I could use it.
I guess it's my issue to deal with that it is annoying me so much, but also the practical inconvenience of then having to clean and dispose of what she doesn't want, and she doesn't live close enough to just drop it back at her house.

Maybe just this rant will help! Thanks if you've read this far

You need to start taking it back to her. Leave on her doorstep. Will knly take once.

You'll need to be much more blunt because she's using you to dispose of things for her.
You've been very polite, so she will continue. Stop giving her reasons why you don't want things. It's an opportunity for her to persuade you.
If she dumps things on your doorstep, take them straight back. You're not obliged to take stuff to charity shops for her.
"No Susan, I don't want any of your unwanted items. You really must stop asking".
"Susan, stop bringing things round. You can take them to the charity shop yourself, I don't have time".
"Susan, you have to stop doing this. It's stressing me out. It's great that you're doing all this clearing but you have to dispose of things yourself - don't involve me any more please."

If she's struggled with mess, and this is the first time she's really got rid of stuff it can be hard to shed all those old mindsets and the whole "can't waste this" feeling. Try not to take it personally, it's not about you, it's about her not being able to easily let the stuff go. It probably is irritating, but the decluttering process will presumably end at some point, and in the meantime if you can try and just see it as being her difficulty in letting things go, it might be easier to just say "No thanks" and wait for her to get past it.

I do try to see things from other people's point of view and if it were a one off /when it was the first time, I would agree with you. However, she tends to have a good clear out, not to be able to resist stuff she sees cheap/free and then has to start all over again with the decluttering.
It's a bit like a yo-yo dieting.

''I don't mind you asking but please take my first 'no' as an answer''.

@SchoolQuestionnaire why don't you take it to an actual charity shop, rather than the tip?

"No thanks. By the way X Charity do pickups - link here" Rinse and repeat every time. Failing that mute her for a few weeks.

It's so unfair to you. You have to go through the hooha of refusing over and over, agree to one item and get ten others you never wanted or expected, then clean those and then go to the bother of tranporting them to the charity shop she should have taken them to in the first place. Meanwhile, like a dealer, she's potentially getting you hooked on her old crap. I think you need to be really firm.

She’s basically a hoarder that’s why she’s having such difficulty letting go of stuff.

You say she doesn’t take stuff to charity shops because “it’s too much effort” but it’s too much effort for you and it’s not your stuff. Be as ruthless as she is.

Tell her to use Freecycle - I emptied an entire 4 bed house in London in 10 days. Even mops, buckets and brooms went.
Everything is something to someone.

I had a friend offer me 'free' concert tickets once to a band my then 12 year old dd liked....sounds fab but the gig was in Brixton...I live in Norfolk...it finished late in the evening...meaning me and dd trying to get across London to get the train home . .train tickets were expensive and it just wasn't worth the hassle...she couldn't understand why i said no thanks.

Copy of conversation from the last couple of days 'Hi Rocking, would you like this vase?) (attaches pic) ' thank you that is lovely of you to offer but I have loads of vases already' . 'But this one is really unusual, you're not likely to have one like this' 'I don't but I really don't have room and as you know an also in need of a declutter too' 'lit's such a lovely colour' 'it is but not my colour scheme, it's a definite no'. 'Oh, thought I'd try you first as I was sure you'd like it. I thought it would be perfect for your conservatory, but what do I know Such a shame'

😡I am angry on your behalf, so pushy and passive aggressive. I'd say to her please don't offer anything else, I have no need for stuff. Sounds rather obsessive and unhealthy what she is doing, I'd be worried about her mental health. If she offers again, say, no thanks, if she texts but but but, don't reply.

But she doesn't get past it - she's a repeat offender.

And SO manipulative!
Copy of conversation from the last couple of days 'Hi Rocking, would you like this vase?) (attaches pic) ' thank you that is lovely of you to offer but I have loads of vases already' . 'But this one is really unusual, you're not likely to have one like this' 'I don't but I really don't have room and as you know an also in need of a declutter too' 'lit's such a lovely colour' 'it is but not my colour scheme, it's a definite no'. 'Oh, thought I'd try you first as I was sure you'd like it. I thought it would be perfect for your conservatory, but what do I know Such a shame'

That final "what do I know Such a shame" is pure passive-aggression.
Stop being her pushover OP. She uses her "easily offended" personality trait to control you.

Ah! Cross-post @GenerationSuper !

My family used to do this, but they also expected me to keep forever the stuff I didn't want and had literally no room for. Every time I saw them, over and over and over: when do you want us to bring the (horrible) round table/set of shelves left by a previous husband/large bulky strange item over? It was like I was a storage unit to them. Nothing I said made any difference.

Ooh, yes. Do this. Start boxing up stuff as well and pack it in with all the unwanted stuff she dropped on your doorstep with a little note: “You accidentally left these! But since I was coming over, I packed a few extra treats for you.”

This would drive me insane, btw. I’m on a ruthless decluttering spree too but everything is getting a new life via eBay, Olio, Freecycle, etc. That way the onus is on other people to say yes to it, rather than me making friends say no to it.

She's batshit and you need to stop being so polite. She msges you, say no thanks, then mute her whattsap and just don't reply anymore. If she leaves you bags of random crap you don't want leave it on her doorstep.

Say no and if she gives you extra stuff give it back. Don't explain why you don't want it. If she is persistent then say 'If you like it so much why aren't you keeping it?' She is being a twat.

Good plan

Let us know how it goes

I would decline and suggest your favorite charity shop.

repeat ad infinitum

You're not the local skip! Tell her if it's so nice and unusual to keep it herself! Be blunter in the future, maybe recommend a local charity shop.

If you declutter a few things too, you could have a conversation about how nice it feels to have some space back and how freeing it is, and doesn't she agree? Which could lead in to you being firmer about saying NO, hopefully in a way that would cut through!

She is burdening you, agree with previous poster. Simple ‘no thanks’ and disengage.

I can’t remember where I read it (might have been on here), when you declutter you need to complete the process yourself, trying to palm your tat off on someone else is not decluttering. You’re just passing the problem on to someone else and making it their problem.

With the box on your doorstep, I would have dropped it back on hers, cheeky bint.

Nice thought, but Ye Dogs don't do this! 😂
Pushy Friend: "oh great! You'll have room for my yoghurt maker now then."