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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this the tightest of tight?

71 replies

Frightenedbunny · 07/11/2022 19:09

So I’ve seen this happen too many times now. Initially thought it was an oversight but I can now count at least 5 times it’s happened. Sister in law buys one of our children a birthday gift, if for any reason it’s unsuitable, she agrees to take it back for an alternative but the goods never arrive. She bought my son a game at Christmas, he already had it. She agreed to take him to shop to get an alternative, it never happened. She’s recently bought my daughter a jacket for her birthday. It was too small. My daughter was very polite and honest and said it wasn’t really her style. (She’s 14). She agreed to return it for a gift card. It’s now disappeared. We’ve seen her multiple times the past month and no mention of it. Just for info, she lives alone, very low mortgage and is financially secure.

OP posts:
PollyAmour · 07/11/2022 19:11

Have you asked her where the replacement game is or the gift card instead of the jacket?

Maybe, in her mind, she thinks you're being ungrateful and this is her passive aggressive way of showing it.

Youdoyoutoday · 07/11/2022 19:12

Maybe just tell her to stop buying gifts? Do you really need any of it?

Her behaviour is strange but I wouldn't get worked up over it

Sestriere · 07/11/2022 19:12

Stop the presents, your DD is 14. Tell her they’re too old for gifts now and you’re economising.

Original poster
Frightenedbunny · 07/11/2022 19:13

No I’ve not asked. Not stirring the pot. I get that she may think kids are ungrateful but it’s only happened once when she asked my daughter if she didn’t like it. Other times have because clothes don’t fit and that doesn’t explain the duplicate gift.

OP posts:
mrsmarmalade12 · 07/11/2022 19:13

I think it's really rude to expect an alternative gift if the first one wasn't right.

Original poster
Frightenedbunny · 07/11/2022 19:14

I’ve not expected it, it’s just her response to offer an alternative. We always buy for everyone on birthdays and Christmas.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/11/2022 19:16

Tell her you don’t want to exchange gifts anymore, say you’re cutting down on stuff. She might jump up agree but it not suggest vouchers.

PinkPanther50 · 07/11/2022 19:27

Teach your children to smile and say thank you and accept the gift. Then you can take it back to the shop and get an exchange or regift it if appropriate. That way your children still have some kind of gift and your sil doesn’t get annoyed that her gifts aren’t appreciated.

OldWivesTale · 07/11/2022 19:29

She might just be scatty and disorganised rather than tight. It's a lot of faff taking things back and swapping etc so.maybe she just hasn't got round to it.

EsmeSusanOgg · 07/11/2022 19:29

PinkPanther50 · 07/11/2022 19:27

Teach your children to smile and say thank you and accept the gift. Then you can take it back to the shop and get an exchange or regift it if appropriate. That way your children still have some kind of gift and your sil doesn’t get annoyed that her gifts aren’t appreciated.

This.

BettyPaws · 07/11/2022 19:31

I would be so embarrassed if my kids didn’t just say thank you to someone for a present,. If they didn’t like the gift I would help them sell it or would just pass it on to someone else.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 07/11/2022 19:32

Christmas- her gift can be lost in the post...

Paddingtonthebear · 07/11/2022 19:43

Would it not be easier to accept the gift and then deal with a swap/exchange yourself afterwards? don’t think I’ve ever told someone that we have the same item already, or that something doesn’t fit and needs to be returned. Alternatively you could just suggest gift vouchers (so that you can choose the exact item).

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/11/2022 19:46

BettyPaws · 07/11/2022 19:31

I would be so embarrassed if my kids didn’t just say thank you to someone for a present,. If they didn’t like the gift I would help them sell it or would just pass it on to someone else.

This!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/11/2022 19:49

I wouldnt dream of saying anything other than thank you if someone went to the trouble of buying my child a gift. They would be in serious shit from me if they did not just smile and say thanks, You sound rude and so do your kids!

KirstenBlest · 07/11/2022 19:56

I hate it when someone says thank you graciously when they aren't delighted.
I have family members who do this, but another family member is blunt and will say 'so-and-so never wears that colour' or 'that garment you got so-and-so didn't fit' or 'your DParent can't eat nuts any more'

If they let me think that they like it, then how am I supposed to know next time?

Jolie12345 · 07/11/2022 20:00

This is OPs sister. Of course it’s not rude to say something isn’t suitable/ doesn’t fit / is a duplicate. It’s a waste of money for a start. The sister would probably prefer to get something the kids want (albeit she hasn’t actually done that yet). Those of you saying it’s rude obviously don’t get the joy of giving something the recipient really loves. Again…it’s her sister. If you can’t be honest with family who can you be honest with?

arethereanyleftatall · 07/11/2022 20:00

Has it happened at least 5 times as per the op, or only once as per a follow up post?

And just to clarify, does she buy 8 x annual gifts for your family (birthday, Christmas x 4) and you collectively buy 2 for her?

Original poster
Frightenedbunny · 07/11/2022 20:04

Sorry I’ve probably not explained myself. Kids always say thank you and we always send thank you cards. However when she comes with said presents, If they’re clothes mother in law always insists we get a fashion show. It’s usually obvious things don’t fit. (We always celebrate birthdays together and open presents together.) if they came with gift receipts we would always be polite and never turn them down. I didn’t think we’d be able to exchange without receipts. The child who had the duplicate game at Christmas is only 5. He said innocently he had the game. I suggested he took it to his nanas to leave there to play but sis in law was adamant she would take him and the gift back to the store for something else.

OP posts:
Jumberoo · 07/11/2022 20:16

How can it be tight if she’s spent the money in the first place though? It’s more likely she’s disorganised or can’t be bothered enough.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/11/2022 20:17

I wonder if these gifts are not bought at the usual shops, OP. Charity shops also sell new things and a receipt wouldn't be forthcoming or even useful.

It's happening too often for it to be 'scattyness' and it doesn't sound like it to me. Sounds like she wants the receiver to fit and desire the gift 'as is'. When that doesn't happen she can't accommodate a replacement.

Stop exchanging gifts would be the remedy - or just accept that the gifts will never be suitable and have a charity bag ready yourself.

JedEye · 07/11/2022 20:25

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/11/2022 20:17

I wonder if these gifts are not bought at the usual shops, OP. Charity shops also sell new things and a receipt wouldn't be forthcoming or even useful.

It's happening too often for it to be 'scattyness' and it doesn't sound like it to me. Sounds like she wants the receiver to fit and desire the gift 'as is'. When that doesn't happen she can't accommodate a replacement.

Stop exchanging gifts would be the remedy - or just accept that the gifts will never be suitable and have a charity bag ready yourself.

Yes it’s possible that to save money these gifts are bought on a deal/January sales and can’t actually be returned. She’s then hoping you’ve forgotten about her returning them.

Hotpotatotoe · 07/11/2022 20:46

She probably can't be arsed. Honestly it's exhausting buying gifts for everyone's kids. She's probably hoping you've forgotten and can save a few quid. Presumably she buys four gifts a year for your kids, plus Easter chocolate maybe plus for you and DP. Tell her not to bother and save everyone the hassle

phishy · 07/11/2022 20:49

Maybe she’s tired of buying presents for you, her brother, your two children and only getting one present from you all?

This seems like the single person tax - she gives 4 and gets 1 back.

Do your kids get her presents?

goodmourning · 07/11/2022 20:53

It’s not tight, it’s not like she didn’t buy them anything. Maybe she thinks your kids are rude