Is this the tightest of tight?

[Frightenedbunny]

So I’ve seen this happen too many times now. Initially thought it was an oversight but I can now count at least 5 times it’s happened. Sister in law buys one of our children a birthday gift, if for any reason it’s unsuitable, she agrees to take it back for an alternative but the goods never arrive. She bought my son a game at Christmas, he already had it. She agreed to take him to shop to get an alternative, it never happened. She’s recently bought my daughter a jacket for her birthday. It was too small. My daughter was very polite and honest and said it wasn’t really her style. (She’s 14). She agreed to return it for a gift card. It’s now disappeared. We’ve seen her multiple times the past month and no mention of it. Just for info, she lives alone, very low mortgage and is financially secure.

Oh my god my mil has done this.

Many times.

We don't speak to her now ( lot's of reasons) but this behaviour is indicative isn't it of bigger issues

I hope this is just a tactic and you don't actually think that. Never too old for presents!

Perhaps just keep them. Especially gifts the 5yr old, you can use for parties.

maybe she forgot?

I’d do this too.

I would probably forget to sort replacement gifts out…it’s hard enough
sorting gifts out in the first place to be honest , and I work and have a busy life. How about just accept the gifts, and move on ….you can hardly say she is tight as she is actually going to the effort of buying gifts . We leave replica gifts at relatives houses or regift. I think you sound a bit uptight about it to be honest.

Also is it your brothers nieces and nephews? Perhaps he could be buying the presents rather than her….so much gets left to females of the family! I get fed up buying gifts for all my husbands family because he’d either forget or buy stuff at the last minute.

YANBU. Clothes are always a risky gift, but if she wants to try, she shouldn't take it out on the children if something doesn't fit.

In her place, if I felt it was too much hassle, I'd start asking for gift suggestions, give vouchers or cash, or just stop giving gifts at all. Taking a gift back with no replacement is very odd behaviour!

Assuming she has DC too, why don't you just say with a tinkly laugh "it's such a fast, this present buying isn't it. From now on, shall we just exchange gift cards for the children? Let's put a fiver limit on it.

If a whole family I bought gifts for kept rejecting them as ‘unsuitable’ I’d just stop bothering.

I wonder if she perhaps buys these things in the sales and puts them away for your DCs birthdays/Christmas in advance meaning she can't return them and would need to just buy a whole new gift which she may not want to do. My aunty used to have a whole cupboard of toys and clothes etc. that she'd got in sales and would save for birthday and Christmas presents for all the nieces and nephews! It was a good and economical system but did occasionally lead to gift glitch like something not fitting!
I think I'd just let it go OP, it sounds like your DC are very loved and have lots of gifts etc. if you all exchange presents together so one or two going missing isn't the end of the world.

Oh OP I totally get this, we have one of these in our family too. It drives me nuts... I swear every Christmas they get something that isn't quite right... for example, last year they got my DH in the adult Secret Santa, asked me for ideas, I said what NOT to get as I'd already gotten it for him, they got exactly that, said they'd return it but no replacement gift ever appeared). Another year our gift exchange was delayed by a 2 days as the gift grinch had waited to do some last minute sales shopping and the delivery was late. My poor MIL trying to keep the peace!

And don't get me started on birthday, wedding or new baby gifts... they are wonderful at receiving but not giving. Not so much as a card when our DD was born despite us never missing their kids birthdays.

Money is not an issue, it is pure meanness

Maybe it’s a family culture thing - in my family it’s entirely normal (even encouraged) to politely ask to swap something if it doesn’t fit. I would much rather my niece or nephew said ‘oh auntie, thank you so much but would it be ok if I swapped this since I’ve already got it/it doesn’t fit me’ than just saying thank you and smiling then immediately giving it away/chucking it in the bin. I definitely wouldn’t feel embarrassed of somebody politely telling me the gift I’d given didn’t fit and asking to swap it.

In future I wouldn’t bother telling this relative though. Maybe better to swap it yourself.

@SwaffhamCurious I’m not sure where you’ve got that information from. It’s not a full family rejecting things. It’s the occasional gift that doesn’t fit. I’m not sure why we should lie and waste her money. We don’t pursue the exchange, she offers but never replaces the gifts as she stated she would. It’s only the kids stuff she appears to Mis-size. If she gets gifts for myself or my husband we gracefully accept regardless of whether or not it’s to our taste. It just seems odd to me. Personally I’d rather she never bothered with any gifts than manage them the way she does.

I would suggest stopping the extended-family gift exchanges. Perhaps do an activity together for holiday memories, or whatever.

@Journeylikenomother , they ask you what your DH wants and you tell them what he doesn't want gets processed as 'your DH wants [what you said]'

Found that one out the hard way - some people even think that 'Please don't get me [something], I have loads of unused ones' is a big hint that you really want [something]. I don't understand why, but it's happened a few times.

Now you know she doesn’t follow through on her word (even though it’s really not that big of a deal) make sure you over ride her when she says she’ll exchange it for something else. Say it’s not a problem, you don’t want her to go to the trouble, it’s fine we’ll exchange if it’s another item of clothing that doesn’t fit, save her the hassle etc.
Nobody has time for all that crap tbh. Maybe she just says things to make it better in the moment & doesn’t realise she’s setting an expectation up that the kids are latching onto & then asking about later.
But you can just tell them she means to do it but just hasn’t got round up it & divert them off it.
I think it’s a foible of hers that you’re just going to have to manage & not read too much into.

I have never asked anyone to return anything. I say thank you and how marvellous it is. If it's unsuitable, I return it myself. Sometimes there is a gift receipt and I can get a refund but have never had any problem getting an exchange or credit note without a receipt. I prefer to do this myself than inconvenience the buyer. I buy for a lot of people but have never been asked to return a gift so assume other people do this too. It is possible she agrees to return things and forgets, or maybe she thinks you should do it yourself.

Your post is confusing, if it’s only happened twice then it’s not a big deal get over yourself, if it’s happening regularly as your op suggests then stop being so rude.

@donttellmehesalive , I take it you've not returned something and been told that they stopped selling the item years previously.

Just stop exchanging gifts, it always seems to being the worse out in people and involves lots of time, effort and cost. We stopped exchanging gifts years ago and the relief in enormous... we still have a lovely time with each other, nice meals, walks, activities, board games etc ... just without the angst over what to buy people.

And before people come on to say 'I love buying gifts and they are always really appreciated' ... how do you know? I've always thanked people effusively for their gifts but can count on one hand (& I am over 60 ) presents that I have really loved.

Everyone's present culture is different in terms of saying if things are suitable or not. And kids tend to be quite straightforward about things. " I've already got this"
and it's obvious if things don't fit .

But I don't think it's about the presents tbh it's about saying she'll do something and then doesn't. To Kids.

That's the kicker.

Not great.

I suspect she's bought them from somewhere they can't be exchanged or changed. That sort of thing.

I don't think you you should say or do anything really. They are gifts. Gifts aren't always what you want. Its a shame but It's more about preparing your children's expectations.

That's how we would do it. Probably not over a colour we didn't like, but definitely if it was the wrong size or a duplicate. However it would be up to the recipient to change it if they could. We don't hand back gifts to the giver for them to sort out. That's where op is going wrong.

So tell her to stop wasting her time and money then. You clearly don't want or even like the gifts she gives so just be upfront about it. No gifts this Xmas, we trying to declutter/cut back etc. If she does insist, ask for vouchers for the kids only.

If it's just the occasional thing that doesn't fit, when she says "Oh I'll take it back and exchange it for you" then why not just say "Oh that's OK, we're going into town at the weekend so we'll just exchange it ourselves. It's so much easier for the DC to try the clothes in the shop and we can make sure it's the right size, and if they don't have the right size of <wrong size gift item> then DC can pick something else in exchange"?

When DD gets gifted anything that's the wrong size I always make sure I'm the one putting in the legwork, not the gifter, so I just take it back and exchange it for the right size or something else (and if the gifter asks about the item then I just say it was the wrong size and there were no right sizes in the shop so let DD choose something else).

The only time I ever get the gifter involved in a return is if it's somewhere that needs a reciept for a return, and in that case I just send them a message asking "Do you still have the receipt for<gift>? It's the wrong size so I was going to exchange it but the store says I need the receipt. Let me know and I'll pop round and pick it up ... If not no worries, I'll just get her something else and donate this one as there's no way it will fit her xxx"