To ask why you ended a friendship?

[poseformenow]

Or the other way around?

I had a childhood best friend who for no reason stopped wanting to be friends. As in I asked to meet up and she said she was busy every day for the next 3 months. I mean 😅. There must be a reason but she never elaborated. She cut a lot of people out over the years though.

I ended one because she kept asking me to do things, borrow her money, give her lifts. Then she cancelled us meeting up to go on a date with a man (a second date and she’d only met up with him the night before). But she didn’t cancel she kept saying 1 more hour. Reading back I was an absolute mug.

She said she was happy with her lovely husband and family with no intention of leaving but having online and offline sexual affairs with many many different people lying to them all about intentions hurting everyone and taking huge risks snoggin them in pubs her daughter n friends drank in for example. I tried to warn her to be careful not judging at all she turned on me and accused me of not being a good friend and loads more, then she started conspiring with another woman and saying things like true friends always have your back always a true friend never does this that etc constantly. We stopped talking for a while then she posted passive aggressive messages to "friend" that was obviously a complete lie to cover her tracks to family on why she stoppedseeing me as needed an excuse why we fell out told him all sorts of lies making me look like a nasty spiteful bitch so he stopped talking to me aswell and I lost him as a friend aswell as her. Ridiculous we half made up then she accused me of more that I had not done and did not support my new venture when she said she would didn't understand I did not have any time as trying to run a new shop and deal with family issues and new baby at same time I just could not stand the drama and hypocritical ways.

It doesn't happen often, but yes, two main occasions. One took the huff at something I said (or rather at my refusing to disown a family member who said something I didn't like), and started spreading malicious gossip about me and got someone else to write me a really nasty letter. The other was less dramatic but also upsetting: she took to lecturing me if I did something that annoyed/ disturbed her mildly, such as speaking at the wrong time, and not only told me not to do it, which would have been fair enough, but insisted on involving me in 'disciplinary'-type discussions. 'Why do you do it?' 'I'm sorry...' 'But why?' 'If you don't like it, I won't do it; OK?' 'But I don't see why we can't discuss it. Why do you do it? Why have you developed this bad habit?'; etc. I find this sort of thing very distressing (much more than if someone, for example, just told me to fuck off), so ended up distancing myself from her.

I've done it twice.

The first time I was fed up of being the boomerang friend between boyfriends.

the final straw was when I cancelled an Easter weekend trip away to see her because “she never saw me any more” and it turned out she’d had a bust up with her boyfriend. 24 hours later they were back together and she cancelled on me. So I cancelled her.

Second one was a really close friend who had practically been a surrogate son to my parents. When my mum died he didn’t call or text me at all and never came to the funeral. Apparently it was because “he didn’t know what to say to me”.

I solved that problem and haven’t spoken to him since.

Sorry I mean I cancelled a trip I was going on just so I could see her. That didn’t read well.

I've had a few that have drifted apart but only two that I can think of that I've decisively ended.

The first was someone that had become an extremely good friend in a very short space of time. I got an invite over to theirs for dinner and it transpired during conversation that my friend was an outright racist. Long story short but they were an audiophile with a very high end music system and possibly thousands of CDs/LPs. They happened to mention that they never buy music by black artists. I thought at first it was some kind of joke that had fallen very flat but I took the opportunity to inspect their record collection more closely and sure enough not a single black artist. I didn't even wait to finish dinner, we just left there and then and I told my friend I didn't want any more to do with them. They even had the cheek to ask why their views should impact our friendship as I'm not black. Like I was the unreasonable one. Mind-boggling!

The second was another case of extremely good friends in a short space of time. With them, I realised that they only had time for me when they were between partners. When they were single they were forever on the phone or wanting to organise something. As soon as they started another relationship though it was radio silence - never contacted me and when I contacted them they always had an excuse as to why they couldn't talk and we couldn't meet up.

I knew a lady from work,who was very intense-and wanted to know where I was,with who and details of my life that I wouldn’t share with dp

shed get funny if I ‘dared’ to met other friends without her

she used to sit and just talk at me for hours-slagging off other people who I’d never met nor had any interest in

i just know she said the same shit about me

i was diagnosed with arthritis and she screamed at me as I told my dp,mil,son and my work know before her-in fact she only found out as she showed up at work and saw me staggering around in agony-she demanded to know what the matter was in front of a crowded shop and started screaming at my boss (who had told me to sit down to ease the pain,but I wanted to struggle through) that I should be at home on full pay and that my boss was ‘a bitch’ (which she’s not)

she would have a go at me as I didn’t message to say I was on my break at every shift-all I want to do is sit down and have something to eat-not listen to her droning on about all her friends who she hates anyway

she keeps coming in to my work,demanding to know why I hadn’t been promoted and where was I if I wasn’t at work?

my bosses have got fed up with her and give me warning if they see her on camera,coming into the store and I hide in the back

I’m fed up to the back teeth of her but thankfully she’s not been in for a few weeks

I've ended a few friendships because when I was younger I became friends with pretty much anyone who wanted to be my friend. It was low self esteem really and as I got older and more confident I distanced away from friends with whom my values did not align.

I became pregnant and neither if my friends who were bridesmaids could be asked to text to see how I was, or visit ( they lived 20 Mins drive away) . I saw one shopping with her new squeeze in my town and couldnt be arsed. At that point I realised I cant be arsed with selfish people. If they cant be bothered with me I cant be bothered with them. Another childhood friend made a comment and joke about my cleft. Thats after she new I was bullied for years.. cut her out immediately

I’ve only done it twice.

Once because they repeatedly used the “but you only get one Dad” line when I had decided not to visit my dying father. Even after the entire sorry story of my abusive and neglectful early years that saw me taken to live with my grandparents at 7 when he burned my brother with the iron as punishment. Eventually I snapped and told her if she said it once more I’d never speak to her again. I then got a “I know you don’t want to hear this, but…” text and I’ve never spoken to her since.

Recently because she brought her children round for a play date with absolute streaming colds. Like not even minor colds - streaming noses, hacking coughs and obviously unwell. My daughter is extremely vulnerable and we’re very careful. The following week my DD ended up in hospital no proof that it was linked, but it bothered me. She then moaned about that I missed lunch we had planned and I realised that she was just a selfish cow.

I had a friend who was separating from her husband and had two dogs that she had been instrumental in buying. She wanted to dump them on him or rehome them because she couldn’t afford them - whilst still going out on the town, buying new clothes, hair and nails done etc. I’ve never taken on a pet that I didn’t expect to have for life and it really affected the way I viewed her - it was a real clash against my values. Slow fade from me.

I had a friend like this! I only realised recently the depths of her controlling nature. There were also many many rules about who could do what and when. I never got them right and was always 'in trouble' (which I'd only find out through others!)
I still kind of miss the friendship because at the time I saw her as someone I could confide in but I try to remind myself that she was not the person I thought she was. I can't see it ever being the same even if we did reconcile.

Having it done to me
Friend 1 - we were teenagers, went on holiday together, shared everything, talked constantly. She got herself a boyfriend and never made time for me ever again.

Friend 2 - we are actually still in touch but not like we used to be. Met every week, like siblings we were but once he came out the closet (and he never told me for ages, his closest pal), he moved in different circles and didn't turn up to things making excuses when later I'd find out that he'd gone to other stuff. He missed the wedding of a mutual friend, we were all so close.

Friend 3 - she endured a terrible time but shut all of us, her friends out. She seems to have come through it but never comes out with us anymore. Always makes excuses but she will go out with other people. None of us yet know why she doesn't come out with us. She'll say hi in street but if asked to meet for a cuppa she'll never get back to us either collectively or individually.

Me doing it to a friend
She was way, way too intense. I told her straight.

When I needed them they let me down for 2 of them.
Another I discovered was a 2 faced cow.

One, I was doing all the work of keeping the friendship up and I realised every time I saw her I went home depressed because she kept putting me down.

Another, came to stay and was moody and critical, snapped at me half a dozen times about things that were none of her business anyway. I hadn't seen her in months and realised we no longer had anything in common.

Another dug up a year-old argument about something small that I'd already apologised for and walked off when I made it clear I wasn't apologising again.

I realised my 'friend' was an absolutely solid, dyed-in-the-wool frenemy. It only took me about 9 bloody years to realise it 🙄. It was after going for drinks and dinner with a few other people, and coming home and wanting to cry about her behaviour that the penny dropped.

It still took a year or so to wind things down completely without any unpleasantness (our children are friends), but we're there now. Polite hellos and how are you, a practical text every three years, that kind of thing

I read these posts wondering if they are ever about me because I lost a good friend for an unknown reason. How depressing. Should probably stop doing that to myself!

In my 20 I became good friends with a colleague (or so I thought). I realised eventually that the whole relationship had been about me facilitating her and/or helping her through dramas (usually of her own making eg. dating a married colleague). As soon as she didn't need me, she had no interest in my company or checking how I was etc. The final straw for me was when I was going through a tough time and asked if she could meet me for a chat soon. She basically told me that she and her DP only really spent time with their 'couple friends' now. She actually contacted me a few years later when DH and I were engaged suggesting that we all get together for dinner one night (I assume I passed the test then)- I declined.

Never ended a friendship as such but allowed them to fizzle out.

I have done this when I have realised the friendship is totally one sided, I am doing all the running, I don’t feel good after being in a persons company (on more than one occasion) or we don’t have much in common anymore and or our lives are going in different directions etc.

But similarly I have picked friendships back up again after a few years and they can be as strong as ever.

She was hard work. The kind of needy person who if she wasn't happy, nobody was happy. She needed attention all the time and I realised after 25 years how much hard work it was. All take and no give from her. Cut her off overnight after a row.

Had a best Friend for 20+ years, she was late the night before my wedding, didn't help at all, too busy with new boyfriend. Said she didn't believe in marriage. My exH was abusive, which she witnessed and actively told me to leave him. When I did, she stayed friends with him, started acting funny, was racist towards my new partner and let her bf be rude to him. I ended up telling her to fuck off. She texts me now and then and I'm civil but that's it. She's engaged now which makes me laugh considering how against it she was 🤣

I had a large group of close friends at university. We were all in halls together in our first year and pretty much lived in each others pockets for three years we were doing our degrees, but I allowed myself to drift apart from all of them after we graduated. The truth is that I was raped by a guy in our friendship group in our first year. It took a long time to admit to myself that what happened to me was rape, but once I accepted that's what it was, I couldn't face being around any of them. Any contact took me straight back to that night. I never told any of them, and I do wonder occasionally why they think I drifted away.

I had a friend, who was a neighbour and our kids and husbands were also friends, but I realised that I never felt good about myself around her. There were lots of subtle and then not so subtle digs and putdowns. I had a realisation one day that she was not the friend I thought she was , and I backed away.

I ended one because I spent more time apologising for the other person’s behaviour to third parties, and apologising to the person myself for things they perceived I had done wrong.

in the end, the straw that broke the camels back was I made a mistake in brain fog during a flare up of my autoimmune disease. I apologised to the person as soon as I realised the error, and rectified it completely. I told them that I’d fixed it and I was wholeheartedly sorry, and they replied “not good enough”.

and I realised, I’d never be good enough for them.

I don’t ever really actively ditch people.. I just choose who I want to spend my time with so I guess kind of fizzle out?

my absolute best friends though I don’t think anything would pull me away from them. We’ve al done some silly stuff and we all have flaws that piss each other off but at the end of the day we’re always there for each other no matter what because we love each other. Other friends I’d fizzle out with over just one of these issues

She started an affair but dragged her kids into it, taking them to meet him and his kids and saying if they told their dad, her DP he would stop them seeing them because he hates them so they must never tell him. She also brought this muppet along to an event we had previously done with her partner as well, it was so awkward and he was horrible. I couldn’t be friends with her after that I found her morally reprehensible. Asking a 6 and 9 year old to cover for her disgusted me. Outing if shes on here but I don’t care 😀