AIBU: health visitor: “it won’t be looked on favourably”

[Itstheimplication]

Just had a call from the health visitor services in our area, last had a check up when DS was 1 and now it’s the 2-3 check, he’s a couple of months away from 3.

They said they needed to book in an appointment and I asked what sort of thing they will be covering and explained his nursery have just had a health visitor in observing the children for a week and we all get a report via the child’s keyworker, plus we’ve had development markers from nursery and progress reports so I just wanted to see if they would be covering anything different.

The woman on the phone got very snotty, there was a long pause and then she said I could decline the visit but it wouldn’t be “looked upon favourably” when I asked what they meant and who wouldn’t look on it favourably she just repeated it again and then said it was in my best interests to book the appointment so there’s a record of him having been seen.

I was a bit unsettled - I hadn’t been rude or anything I just didn’t see the point on doubling up on the info we already had and I had a terrible experience with our HV last time - but I ended up booking the appointment as it was almost like she was insinuating I would be oj some kind of list of concern if I didn’t.

I looked it up online after and can see it’s completely optional and nothing will be held against me if I don’t take the appointment up.

AIBU to cancel the appointment and complain?!

I always find these HV threads crazy when I read everyone else’s experience 😳 I’m sorry you’ve all had such shitty HVs 😔

To answer your question @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll - my HV is a genuine angel. She’s one of the most helpful and least judgemental people I’ve ever met 😊 DS was born during lockdown and she still came for her visits (HVs our area had been given the option of continuing home visits for newborns or changing to telephone appointments - as far as I know from speaking to other mums, she’s the only HV in the area that went out of her way still to see new mums!). When eventually it was switched to absolutely no home visits unless there were welfare concerns, she changed to Zoom appointments rather than phone calls so that it was as “in person” as it could be 🤷🏻‍♀️
Ive never had to take DS to her, it’s always been home visits (we’re Scotland) and she comes in, asks if we have any concerns as his parents, does her height/weight checks and does his charts etc, then just plays whatever DS wants her to play and chats away to us while she plays 🤷🏻‍♀️ DS loves her! I know I can ask her any question without her being judgemental. Shes never once commented on any parenting choices we’ve made etc.

She always takes the time to ask DH how he is too and answer any questions he may have.

The only time she’s EVER made any kind of negative comment was at DSs visit at about 9 months where he’d piled on a bit of weight and jumped up about 1.5 centiles and even then all she said was “his weight has jumped up a bit so ‘officially’ I have to mention that because it’s nearly 2 centiles. BUT, I’m pretty sure you’re about to have an early walker on your hands and babies do tend to bulk before they start walking so I have absolutely no concerns at all, just continue doing what your doing” - sure enough, he walked at 10 months, was running by 10.5 (😬) and was back on his usual centile line by age 1.

DS is due his 26m visit soon and we actively look forward to her visits 🙈😳 We actually moved to the next town over and should have a new HV because we’re not technically in her catchment but she said if we wanted to continue with her as his HV then just to put in a request through the GP surgery when we registered him and she’d happily still come to us 🤷🏻‍♀️

why dont you ask your keyworker @Itstheimplication
if they feel a health visitor visit is useful

why dont you ask your keyworker @Itstheimplication
if they feel a health visitor visit is useful

I don't think people are disputing the principle of a HV visit, though - it's the many individual experiences that a lot of people have found unhelpful and even unnecessarily upsetting.

Asking in general whether HV visits are useful, without knowi1ng whether it's kind, supportive, sympathetic, helpful Shirley or blustering, judgey, arrogant Judy wanting to take over with her harmful proclamations is pretty much like asking if music is worth listening to, without specifying whether you mean Beethoven or Jedward.

‘It won’t be looked on favourably’ is nonsense OP.

I have 3 DC and only the first one had a a HV 6 week check, after that I took her for a monthly weigh, nothing more

by DC2 and DC3 I realised they were a waste of time so cancelled the visits the HV’s kept booking, one visit I cancelled they still turned up but I told them it was cancelled and didn’t need them, another visit they booked and we were on holiday so they sent me a snotty letter saying I should have been available (even though they booked it off their own back and I had cancelled it!).

nobody reported me, the DC are all fine. Nursery see them more so will be better able to comment if any concerns

HVs can do far more harm than good. We women don't need this, we've been birthing and raising children for centuries. I certainly wouldn't want one coming to my house and judging me. Having HVs is insulting imo and thankfully we don't have them where I am. I would not only cancel, but I would put in a complaint about the woman on the phone about her threats and tone. That is not on.

I’m another who found the HV service patronising and unhelpful. The check ups really could have been done from a check list online. Unless you had concerns the HV spent no time at all with each child so it wasn’t like they provided a second pair of (experienced and educated) eyes. With the child at nursery you will already have far more in terms of assessment and oversight going on than the HV ever provided my kids. And if they’ve had an HV in already I can’t see what you have to gain from the appointment.

I also don’t see how you can have a productive relationship with an HV who makes ominous threats to try and get you to do what she wants.

I would cancel and probably complain about the threats. I think HVs that try and play this card are really damaging their profession and the general support for the service. So many women have a poor experience with them behaving in this sort of way.

We didn't even get a 1 year check, just a letter telling us what we should look out for regarding milestones etc. so I probably would cancel the appointment, especially as you've had a HV at the nursery.
My DD has been seen once by HV at 2 weeks old, 6 week check was a phone call and then letter just before 12 months. Who knows if they'll even bother with 2-3 year check

The paediatrician at ds's multi disciplinary assessment results meet insisted the HV leave. It was apparently the first time anyone had known him raise his voice or lose his temper. She was invited as a courtesy because I refused to see her after she and the GP dismissed my concerns and so a SALT made referral. She sat there insisting that the SALT, Paediatrician, OT and child psychologist were all wrong and had fallen for my "neuroticism"
Son was classically autistic and as paed said if they thought that was normal he had serious concerns about just how bad thing would have to be before a referral was made. HV later left under a cloud after a baby nearly died after she blocked a GP appointment dismissing a parent's concerns as colic and baby was blue lighted to hospital with meningitis.
Funnily enough my dd was referred to ds's paed at 12 months for multi disciplinary assessment by a different GP having never seen a HV as I refused before she was born. I did get a few phone calls at the beginning asking if she (a different HV) could weigh her or if I'd take her to clinic to be weighed but I declined.

They don't care. Honestly. They don't have the time to care if people cancel or decline appointments.

I've had this conversation repeatedly with the manager of our HV service and nobody follows up if an appointment is declined and they are on the basic pathway, they don't have the capacity.

I have to made some kind of reply to this thread especially as someone further back said no one ever admits to being one!,
I was a HV for around 10years in a deprived area of East London.
To be a HV you do need to be a qualified RGN, I was also a qualified midwife with 5 years experience in maternity care and community midwifery. I also did a further years training to be a HV.
So it is a little bit harsh and disingenuous to claim HVs know nothing.
I can say as in any job there are very good people average people and people who are in the wrong job.
Me and my colleagues were primarily involved in child protection, PND and children/ families with circumstances that needed support.
I think that a lot of people go into this because they are interested in child protection ( safeguarding) and the hours are more like office hours which is easier to manage when you have young children of your own.( Although I remember one New Year's Eve taking a woman and her two children to a refuge at night as her v violent partner was definitely not going to be there!)
I left when my children were older because I wanted to return to looking after unwell people and am now working in palliative care.
I don't regard my HV years as being a waste of time, I think I did make a difference to families - they certainly were appreciative.
I think now information is very readily available to people and forums like mumsnet obviously is a part of that change for the good.
There are still families with lots of issues who find accessing help very difficult for complex reasons . I still have good friends who are HVs and I suppose I believe them to be the good ones who do make a difference but it's probably difficult for people to see how - as the work they do seems to be under the radar, similar to social workers where their role is mainly highlighted when things go horribly wrong.
With the crisis in staff recruitment and retention that I see first hand I imagine they won't be around much longer but the people who will miss them are probably the people with the quietest voices.

Sorry did not answer the AIBU, as someone else said there is no statutory requirement to be seen by a HV ( unlike a midwife). So unless there were concerns raised with SSD no one would ever have any reason to "look unfavourably " at anyone.

It's too ridiculous. You don't have to see a health visitor at all and most are pretty useless, I swear they make things up as they go along.

Your health visitor is loving the power.

I opted out of the HV service in writing, citing unprofessional behaviour of awful HV. Before DD2 born I received a letter asking if I would like to see a HV. I replied in writing that I wished no HV involvement.

She reported me to child protection. Complaint was upheld but where was the monitoring of her behaviour that could have prevented this happening in the first place?

We're a mixed race family and the health visitor kept commenting on the colour of my child's skin. The one that sticks with me the most is "it looks like he's going to end up almost as dark as you which is a shame". I never saw one again! None were offered with my second so was easy to avoid. I put a complaint in but they didn't seem bothered that they have such an ignorant employee.

Where do they get these people from?! I do hope you complained.

We're a mixed race family and the health visitor kept commenting on the colour of my child's skin. The one that sticks with me the most is "it looks like he's going to end up almost as dark as you which is a shame".

So a supposedly trained, professional person who is specifically meant to be sent to help and support you is, in effect, no different from inviting any old nasty racist in off the street to come and insult you in your home?

Words fail me.

I phoned back up today and spoke to someone else who was incredibly helpful and friendly. She apologised profusely and said no parent should ever feel bullied into their service or threatened at the prospect of not using it.

she also said that generally declining isn’t an issue at all, but in a bigger picture scenario if there were any safeguarding issues in the future it would be noted that the health visitor service had been declined.

I explained about his nursery visit and she said in that case it’s unlikely that there would be any future concerns as he’s been seen by other professionals included a health visitor within that setting.

I’ve decided to go ahead with the visit after speaking to her, and wanted to come back and update as I feel much better now.

however it does really go to show what a mixed bag the service is. I felt really worried before that even my question about refusal was going to end up with social services at my door!

glad you called them back, thanks for updating as well.

Thank you for the update

Pleased you got a nice response! X