AIBU: health visitor: “it won’t be looked on favourably”

[Itstheimplication]

Just had a call from the health visitor services in our area, last had a check up when DS was 1 and now it’s the 2-3 check, he’s a couple of months away from 3.

They said they needed to book in an appointment and I asked what sort of thing they will be covering and explained his nursery have just had a health visitor in observing the children for a week and we all get a report via the child’s keyworker, plus we’ve had development markers from nursery and progress reports so I just wanted to see if they would be covering anything different.

The woman on the phone got very snotty, there was a long pause and then she said I could decline the visit but it wouldn’t be “looked upon favourably” when I asked what they meant and who wouldn’t look on it favourably she just repeated it again and then said it was in my best interests to book the appointment so there’s a record of him having been seen.

I was a bit unsettled - I hadn’t been rude or anything I just didn’t see the point on doubling up on the info we already had and I had a terrible experience with our HV last time - but I ended up booking the appointment as it was almost like she was insinuating I would be oj some kind of list of concern if I didn’t.

I looked it up online after and can see it’s completely optional and nothing will be held against me if I don’t take the appointment up.

AIBU to cancel the appointment and complain?!

I get you. My son has severe speech delay and they said it wasn't a problem at his 2/3 check so it did seem somewhat pointless going... I'm with you. I'd say that nursery are your sons keyworkers and you're happy that they have got that responsibility. You can even say you're happy to fill out the questionnaire but you don't have any concerns about development so don't need the support from HV. If they are concerned than they are welcome to speak to the nursery or do a home visit but you are not able to take time off for a check.

I'd just cancel the appointment.

I'm mildly surprised that HVs are being so pushy. The service is under stress and round here you don't get to see one much after the first few months unless there's an issue to monitor or the parent requests it.

I found the health visitor checks actively unhelpful. I went along to my daughter’s one year check & came away feeling crap because they were talking about referring her to physio as she wasn’t walking yet. At one year old! The 3 year check was fine but nothing I didn’t know. I met a woman on the bus with four kids & she said she had declined all the checks which I didn’t even know was an option. Just call back & cancel.

Yes you're quite right. She's a controlling cow.

She wasn't able to support her threat because there is no one who will look on it unfavorably. If you had SS involvement it might be different but you can write a letter signed by both parents instructing them to remove your child from their register permanently with absolutely nobody except that nurse thinking anything at all.

I’m surprised about this, I’ve recently received DC2’s 2 yr questionnaire and they don’t even want you to send it back to them anymore (unless you have concerns), let alone have a visit/review in person. DC1 we had a home visit! In fact DC2’s never even seen a HV in person…

Did you speak to a HV or was it to the appointments clerk?

You asked fairly reasonable questions but perhaps she wondered if you were trying to hide something.

I didn't find HV checks all that helpful but that was a few years ago.

It seems odd when services are so stretched at the moment.

I didn’t go to one for my DD as had no concerns and when I told the receptionist this they just said no problem, it’s optional

Dd's HV was snippy when dd declined dgs's 2 to 3 check too. As she explained she would need to put in a holiday from work, keep dgs from pre school (because they could offer am or pm appointment) to wait in for somebody who would only see a snippet of dgs's development when neither dd nor pre school who saw him daily had any concerns. Dd later withdrew him from ongoing HV involvement and has heard nothing since.

Cancel and ignore, I cancelled mine after the HV demanded I remove dangerous equipment from my sons reach (his hearing aids…). I was threatened with a visit from social services when I called to cancel future visits, I gave the person on the phone the contact details of my sons social worker. That soon shut them up.

Has anybody ever found a HV helpful? I kind of assumed they were some kind of weird random punishment for having had a baby. Sorry to any respectful, helpful, considerate HVs out there, but they only ever seem to turn up at the most unhelpful times, patronise you, give obvious or even very unwise advice and appear to see their role as being to belittle and undermine you rather than support you.

By all means have the service available for those who ask and make the clear offer, and keep special tabs where there are any real concerns (and a new mum declining to be visited and patronised is NOT a cause for concern in itself); but they just seem to cause so much trouble and upset to vulnerable new mums and I don't recall hearing anybody saying that they found them really helpful.

They got argumentative with me as well when I declined my DD’s 2 year check. She has a learning disability and was already under physio, SALT, OT, paediatrics, orthotics, audiology, ophthalmology, so the 2 year check would only flag up things that we knew about and we already under the correct professionals for. Apparently some parents like it as a baseline so I should do it. I told them I wasn’t doing a questionnaire that was setting her up to fail as it was designed for children without disabilities and there was no one left to refer her to so what was the point? They couldn’t give me one unsurprisingly!

Health visitors are such a mixed bag, I had a terrible woman do a home visit when DS was about 7 months. She declared that DS was obese and I needed to stop feeding him junk food! " don't give him too much chocolate or crisps!" I pointed out that he'd only been on solid food a month, hadn't had any junk food and we didn't even keep any in the house! Also that he wasn't yet crawling so his weight would probably even out once he was moving. In the end I showed her the contents of my cupboards and fridge before she grudging let it go. However, the HV for the 2 to 3 check was amazing and helped get support with his developmental delay.

You should definitely complain and feel under no pressure to have more appointments as they are not mandatory and can't be used against you. It was wrong and very inappropriate of her to threaten you.

How weird! I declined DS’s 1 year one and was going to say my whole bit about how he was in a medical research study so was already having a review by a paediatrician but she couldn’t get me off the phone fast enough and clearly didn’t care.
In your case I’d definitely cancel, given the nursery review, it’ll just be a duplicate and a massive waste of everyone’s time. You probably would have grounds to complain too but personally I don’t think I could be arsed.

Just cancel appointment.
I didn't take dd2 to a single appointment

Very much a roulette.
Had a lovely HV for my first daughter. Helped me enormously with breastfeeding problems. Her trainee was lovely too.

Second daughter we'd moved and got a very odd woman who expressed surprise at toddler eating vegetables.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll mine were fantastic tbf. I had two, both were wonderfully supportive, kind, reassuring and non judgemental. I was a really young mum and they were so supportive and not in the least bit patronising. It gave me so much confidence.

I’ve seen the reverse though; I was present for my sisters first visit with a health visitor who was rude, unhelpful and and absolute waste of time. So it’s really a shame that they all have a bad name but I can see why, if that’s your only experience with one.

I detest them. They're entirely unhelpful here and dismissed all of the very obvious signs my son had autism.

I'm afraid I've not met one who I found at all helpful.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll I liked our HV. In fairness, I didn't really feel we needed the visit; my partner is a GP and I'm an NHS worker and our son was straightforward. However it's nice to have a point of contact if you have any questions. When I did need some info, she was very helpful. Saying that, I'm quite sociable. I enjoyed having her over for a chat and cuppa after I had my son, maybe I'm odd 😂

@Justacoupleofbiccies

Oh yes - I've been there with that bollocks.

Yanbu. As your DC is at nursery they'll flag up any issues. Seems like a waste of HV's time.

🤣 exactly this

We got referred to a feeding clinic as my baby was dangerously underweight and had called significant centiles, even though she was feeding well and looking big to me

Got to the first appt and they re weighed her, turns out HV had read her weight incorrectly or scales were broken. We know this because a few weeks later she came back and the same bloody thing happened again.

She then said “oh, I have had to refer quite a few babies recently….”

Ah, good to hear that there are some helpful ones out there - but it can't be right that such a huge proportion of them only seem to actively make a challenging time worse.

OP, ignore. If a child is at nursery, they are being seen all the time by trained professionals who would flag any concerns. That said, I did do the two year check as it was just a routine thing at the GP and not them coming to the house to have a nose around.

I'd go ahead with the appointment but if you think it's a waste of time, definitely cancel the appointment and if you get any attitude just say something like "that's fine, you flag your concerns. I am confident that the trained professionals who work with my child day in and day out are well qualified to have a view on my son's welfare and progress. Goodbye!"

Our checks were OK although not informative really. The regular HV was shockingly poor though. One example being when she confirmed at the start of the appointment "oh he has a milk allergy doesn't he?" but then proceeded to give unsolicited weaning advice to feed him numerous things that are mainly made from dairy. And each time I pointed this out, she then recommended another food... that contained mainly dairy 🙄

Ours was convinced, actually obsessed DD2 wasn't thriving as smaller than her sister. Pushed and pushed, visit after visit. Wanted to watch me feeding her, went through my cupboards and fridge... .. In the end it got all the way up to a consultant at the local hospital who took one look at my clearly happy, healthy just not particularly tall toddler and said : " How tall is her Dad?" I replied, as I had previously mentioned multiple times to the HV, "he's not, he's tiny" (sorry DH), and consultant and I were both glad to sign it off. What a waste of everyone's time.