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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she needs to just accept it?

57 replies

totallybonafido · 07/11/2022 10:44

My gran is 86 and is feeling very down about her life. I've spoken to her yesterday and it's all doom and gloom, she's stuck at home, she never goes out anywhere, there's no light at the end of the tunnel and she has nothing to look forward to ever again, no trips, no holidays. They have enjoyed a lovely long retirement for about 25 years and gone on lots of holidays until a few years ago so it is a big change for them. They had remained in really good health for their age for a long time but now my grandad is in worse health and can't really leave the house often anymore as he is reliant on oxygen. They go out for lunch every few weeks for lunch with friends and my gran does go to the local shops quite regularly and hairdresser weekly.

She asks me what I'm up to with my young family and I feel bad telling her about our busy lives and all the things we're doing. I wish I could do something to help, but AIBU to think that she needs to accept that her time is nearly up and be grateful for what she does have? (Still has her husband, no money worries, lovely warm comfy flat, some family nearby). Unfortunately I live ~5 hours drive away and can't get up to see her regularly due to working full time and young children. I do get it and it must suck to realise that your life is basically over but it comes to us all! What can I do to help her?

OP posts:
Lipstickandlashes · 07/11/2022 10:47

Can you not help to facilitate some of the things she's missing? Day trips, maybe even a weekend away (could she go alone or with a friend/relative and you can stay with your grandad?)

With some planning, I'm sure you can factor it into your "busy lives."

Fairyliz · 07/11/2022 10:50

I do sympathise as MIL is just like this. However I’m not sure there is anything you can do other than let her moan.
We all know we are going to die one day but it is really scary when you think about it.
I think you will have to just grit your teeth when she is going on and have the tv on in the background or something to distract you.

lifeinthehills · 07/11/2022 10:51

If she is in good health, maybe there are some senior groups she can go on outings with? If she is capable of keeping up some of the things she loves, it would be great to help find a way for her to have a caregiver that can take her, or a group, or some other way. I hope to keep living an active life as long as my body will let me myself.

pastabakeonaplate · 07/11/2022 10:52

She might be shit scared of dying?

Mummbles · 07/11/2022 10:52

YABU

You don't get to tell other people how to feel. It's that simple. You don't get to decide at what age/stage/level people are no longer allowed to feel and expression certain emotions. I'm not sure why this needs to be said. She's allowed to grieve the life she had and no longer has if she wishes to. What harm is it doing you? Do you not view her as a whole person anymore?

There are loads of virtual tours that popped up during Covid that I think are still going. Museums, safaris, galleries, national parks etc. Would she have any interest in doing those from home? Alternatively, could you and her both watch a documentary (maybe about a particular country etc) or read the same novel and then you can talk about when you chat, like a shared experience or shared friends type scenario so you actually have something to say? If she can't live the life she wants to anymore then maybe she could live virtually or vicariously?

Original poster
totallybonafido · 07/11/2022 10:53

@Lipstickandlashes no she won't leave my grandad, I have asked her to come and say with us but she won't.

As I said, I have a full time job and young children so it's not as easy as popping over to take her out for the day!

OP posts:
pocketvenuss · 07/11/2022 10:54

Your gran? Your mum or your dad - where are they in all of this?

TheSomersetGimp · 07/11/2022 10:56

I would ask for a carers assessment for her. See if she can get funding to pay for a sitting service so she can go out occasionally.

Original poster
totallybonafido · 07/11/2022 10:57

@pocketvenuss my parents also live a long drive away and still work and only get up there a few times a year

OP posts:
nokidshere · 07/11/2022 10:57

but AIBU to think that she needs to accept that her time is nearly up and be grateful for what she does have?

Bloodyhell 🙄 you actually have to ask if that comment is unreasonable?

Original poster
totallybonafido · 07/11/2022 10:57

@TheSomersetGimp thanks, that's a good, practical idea

OP posts:
pastabakeonaplate · 07/11/2022 10:58

How would you feel if you knew that every day could quite easily be your last but you can't really do anything with it?

GetThatHelmetOn · 07/11/2022 10:58

totallybonafido · 07/11/2022 10:44

My gran is 86 and is feeling very down about her life. I've spoken to her yesterday and it's all doom and gloom, she's stuck at home, she never goes out anywhere, there's no light at the end of the tunnel and she has nothing to look forward to ever again, no trips, no holidays. They have enjoyed a lovely long retirement for about 25 years and gone on lots of holidays until a few years ago so it is a big change for them. They had remained in really good health for their age for a long time but now my grandad is in worse health and can't really leave the house often anymore as he is reliant on oxygen. They go out for lunch every few weeks for lunch with friends and my gran does go to the local shops quite regularly and hairdresser weekly.

She asks me what I'm up to with my young family and I feel bad telling her about our busy lives and all the things we're doing. I wish I could do something to help, but AIBU to think that she needs to accept that her time is nearly up and be grateful for what she does have? (Still has her husband, no money worries, lovely warm comfy flat, some family nearby). Unfortunately I live ~5 hours drive away and can't get up to see her regularly due to working full time and young children. I do get it and it must suck to realise that your life is basically over but it comes to us all! What can I do to help her?

I live days away from my family, but call my older relatives from time to time for a coffee over the phone.

They get tired soon so acalla are not that long, they may be full of gloom but hearing about all our adventures certainly cheers them up and gets them talking about their own memories. I had never imagined that would make them jealous of my life, that only breaks their day and brings a bit of a change to the day to day routine.

To be honest… I don’t think they would want days out regularly even if I could provide them, they just need a bit of conversation.

Original poster
totallybonafido · 07/11/2022 11:00

@pastabakeonaplate yes of course that would be awful, but what can anyone do about it, when you're elderly and your health is failing and you won't leave your husband who is unable to do anything at all?

OP posts:
Original poster
totallybonafido · 07/11/2022 11:01

@GetThatHelmetOn yes, same, I'm resolving to call more

OP posts:
pastabakeonaplate · 07/11/2022 11:02

totallybonafido · 07/11/2022 11:00

@pastabakeonaplate yes of course that would be awful, but what can anyone do about it, when you're elderly and your health is failing and you won't leave your husband who is unable to do anything at all?

So you want her to just shut up and get on with it?!

Original poster
totallybonafido · 07/11/2022 11:04

@pastabakeonaplate no, that's not what I said. Clearly not as I have sympathised with how she must feel and asked if anyone can think how I can help her 🤔

OP posts:
Mariposista · 07/11/2022 11:06

My 91 year old gran is in her final days and I think your 'shut up and get on with it' attitude is disgusting. I have left my home and family to come and be with her in her final days (I will have plenty of time for them afterwards). I wonder whether you would do that.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 07/11/2022 11:06

totallybonafido · 07/11/2022 11:00

@pastabakeonaplate yes of course that would be awful, but what can anyone do about it, when you're elderly and your health is failing and you won't leave your husband who is unable to do anything at all?

Maybe she doesn't want anyone to DO anything, maybe she just wants a sympathetic ear and some warmth from a human connection, and to hear that life is carrying on through her descendants. I mean she's been around for 86 years she probably is aware that people die and presumably isn't asking for help with sourcing a Philosopher's Stone, Holy Grail or similar.

StinkyWizzleteets · 07/11/2022 11:07

YABVVVU
what a cold a heartless post. Suck it up grandma you’re nearly dead anyway? Wow! A wee bit see you next Tuesday OP.

Ageing isn’t easy to accept, especially when you’ve had an active life. A wee bit of kindness wouldn’t go amiss. Once she’s gone you’ll miss her terribly so maybe involve her in your very active and busy family life and let her enjoy what she has left. She probably feels very stuck looking after your sick grandfather. Caring at any age can feel like such a chore, give her a break.

I did this with my grandparents and I’ll tell you I’m so grateful I did. It was so rewarding and a lovely experience to spend time with them and see them happy, none of their kids bothered but I felt it was a privilege not a burden.

GetThatHelmetOn · 07/11/2022 11:09

Calls can be good fun often, I can have long conversation about symbolism on biblical representation with my dad, talk about the glorious virtues of getting divorced with my aunt and about how gorgeous my rescue dog is with my uncle.

One of my aunts is all gloom but I enjoy telling her off in a fun way and she doesn’t mind.

I also visit an old lady who is stuck at home all the times… if you have the time to listen they come with some fun stuff… she has noticed a man parking outside her house and coming and sit to have lunch in it at midday, she has guessed he works nearby but it has really ticked me that when I asked about him last time she just said “oh, the plot thickens! He brought a woman to have lunch at the car with him the other day!!”

Little things… 🙂

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 07/11/2022 11:09

Find out if there are any ageuk events/centres close by. They generally have daily activities where people of a similar age and health condition can get together, have tea and coffee, sometimes do exercise classes or dances or other group activities. They have people on hand who are used to dealing with things like oxygen tanks and limited mobility, and it gives the opportunity to socialise.

They may also run things like mini-buses to shopping centres, I know round here there's a twice weekly pick up to take people to the big Asda or Tesco so they can get their shopping and they go as a group.

TheMoonLight · 07/11/2022 11:10

My MIL was very similar to this early on this year. I think she took a real battering from all the lockdowns etc. Those of us with jobs and and busy family lives just picked up where we left off after Covid but I think a lot of elderly people have been left a bit in limbo and floundering? Anyway, DH encouraged her to speak to the GP about how she was feeling. She has been put on a low dose anti-depressant and has been linked up with a local elderly support worker who has visited and encouraged her to join some groups etc. She is certainly a lot brighter and more positive these days than she was? I think it's only in the last few months that a lot of these support groups/activities have really started to get going again? They are a real life line for many around here.

There is an element of having to think about the end of your life at this age (MIL certainly did talk a lot about it) but I don't think it needs to be all doom and gloom?

Original poster
totallybonafido · 07/11/2022 11:12

Jesus Christ, do people think that I'm telling her to shut up and get on with it and dismissing her feelings when we're talking?? Of course I'm listening and sympathising with her and I call her regularly as I do want to talk to her and be there for her. I'm showing plenty of kindness and empathy, more than my mother's sibling and their spouse who live barely 5 minutes away and hardly bother with them!

OP posts:
goodmourning · 07/11/2022 11:12

wtf. if this is really how you feel, why not tell her ‘your time’s nearly up, suck it up and wait to die quietly without bothering me, im very busy’ 🙄