to think she needs to just accept it?

[totallybonafido]

My gran is 86 and is feeling very down about her life. I've spoken to her yesterday and it's all doom and gloom, she's stuck at home, she never goes out anywhere, there's no light at the end of the tunnel and she has nothing to look forward to ever again, no trips, no holidays. They have enjoyed a lovely long retirement for about 25 years and gone on lots of holidays until a few years ago so it is a big change for them. They had remained in really good health for their age for a long time but now my grandad is in worse health and can't really leave the house often anymore as he is reliant on oxygen. They go out for lunch every few weeks for lunch with friends and my gran does go to the local shops quite regularly and hairdresser weekly.

She asks me what I'm up to with my young family and I feel bad telling her about our busy lives and all the things we're doing. I wish I could do something to help, but AIBU to think that she needs to accept that her time is nearly up and be grateful for what she does have? (Still has her husband, no money worries, lovely warm comfy flat, some family nearby). Unfortunately I live ~5 hours drive away and can't get up to see her regularly due to working full time and young children. I do get it and it must suck to realise that your life is basically over but it comes to us all! What can I do to help her?

Ok so you worded it clumsily, can you think how you might rephrase it? I'm genuinely trying to understand your view. Do you mean you don't like that she focuses on that and you want to try and make her life exciting?

Says the person sick of her "moaning"

I know she has a husband but she needs more company, preferably female. She needs a befriending service but doesn’t have the energy to work that out, google befriending in her area and see if there’s any charities you can out her in touch with. Also get in touch with Age Uk etc.

YABVU if you think she should sit in silence waiting to die. If she’s healthy (and wealthy) she coukd have another 10-15 yrs left.

YABU if you aren’t happy to just listen to her moan sometimes. Think of all the times you cried at her as a toddler. This is the other end of that journey and you owe it to her to listen, even if you can’t ‘fix’ the problem. Maybe schedule a 1 hr phone call at a regular time, twice weekly, so she can look forward to it?

Please, show me where I used the word "moaning"

I think you worded your posts badly op, you sound like you care very much that your gran is unhappy.

I can sort of relate, your life does change as you get older. It gets smaller, it's a natural process and you can't change it. You stop being able to do things you could before. That's just how it goes. Some people are more accepting of that and more able to adapt to it than others.

I work on a voluntary basis with older people and as a sweeping generalisation the ones who can accept ageing and adapt their activities seem happier. There are others who constantly look back to things the used to be able to do but can't now. I hope I age like the first group, with a good attitude, but you just never know how things will turn out. So much shapes your attitudes and abilities, you can't always just 'give yourself a shake' or 'look on the bright side'. It's not always that easy.

It is frustrating to listen to someone always 'moan' about how their life has changed and feel you can't do anything for them.

I think all you can do, like others have suggested, is make sure your gps have as much support as they can have to take the physical burden off your gran. Then maybe she'll feel a bit lighter. So a carer's assessment through social services, buying in private care or companionship if possible.

Then just keep in touch. Of course she wants to hear your news. It will brighten her day. Send her something in the post, a book if she still reads or a magazine? Do your kids chat to her? Do they share an interest in nature programmes or history documentaries or Strictly?

And yes, listen to her moan. It gets you down, I know, but it will be doing her some good getting it off her chest.

My grandma is a bit like this. She is in her 90s, is pretty pragmatic about death, lost her husband 20 years ago and now lives in an annex in my Dad's house.

She has led a full and happy life and would appear to be facing a relatively comfortable and secure last few years.

She has a lot to be thankful for. But I also get how desperately sad it must be to feel like all your fun is done, all your usefulness is gone, and you're basically just reading library books and watching Miss Marple until your time is up (is how she views it).

I am not sure there is much of a cure, except to make sure she feels loved.

Things that have helped a little:

• A family whatsapp group. She's not great with tech but slowly has been helped to figure this out. We all post regularly with pics about our days. Nothing especially exciting (the dog lying in a funny pose, for exmaple). But it allows her to feel more connected and involved in everyone's lives.
• A digital picture frame that cycles through all her photos (we scanned them all) so she still feels like she 'sees' loved ones every day, and gets reminded of everything she's done.
• Doing the same things together but apart. For example, this year a few of us are growing the same new flower in each of our gardens (a specific dahlia). My grandma can manage this and when we talk, we compare notes and it's a bit like a joint acitvity

Some harsh comments here- It sounds like OP is attentive; and it can be challenging to have circular conversations with elderly relatives that are bleak in tone- there is an emotional cost to this; particularly if you feel that there is nothing you can do to make it better.

The OPs gran sounds depressed; and depression in older adults is not often taken seriously. Could you try saying' I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way; have you spoken about it with your GP?'

I think a carers's assessment would be a great idea