to think she needs to just accept it?

[totallybonafido]

My gran is 86 and is feeling very down about her life. I've spoken to her yesterday and it's all doom and gloom, she's stuck at home, she never goes out anywhere, there's no light at the end of the tunnel and she has nothing to look forward to ever again, no trips, no holidays. They have enjoyed a lovely long retirement for about 25 years and gone on lots of holidays until a few years ago so it is a big change for them. They had remained in really good health for their age for a long time but now my grandad is in worse health and can't really leave the house often anymore as he is reliant on oxygen. They go out for lunch every few weeks for lunch with friends and my gran does go to the local shops quite regularly and hairdresser weekly.

She asks me what I'm up to with my young family and I feel bad telling her about our busy lives and all the things we're doing. I wish I could do something to help, but AIBU to think that she needs to accept that her time is nearly up and be grateful for what she does have? (Still has her husband, no money worries, lovely warm comfy flat, some family nearby). Unfortunately I live ~5 hours drive away and can't get up to see her regularly due to working full time and young children. I do get it and it must suck to realise that your life is basically over but it comes to us all! What can I do to help her?

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime @TheMoonLight thank you, really good suggestions

great idea, thanks, brb 🤔

does she go to WI?
or the U3A?

Op

no idea why you are getting a hard time it’s hilarious that her feelings are valid but yours are not!!

I feel your pain it’s so frustrating isn’t it? Try sending jigsaws/biographies from Amazon

or purchase a bird feeder/table for the garden

i dont think you need to feel bad telling her what you are up to
she presumably just wants to hear news

Some GP surgeries have a link worker who can organise trips out and clubs. Might be worth seeing if they have some ideas.

With your empathic nature, have you considered working as a carer?! I hope my family never speak like that about me in later life

I get you, OP.

I’m old now myself, but when I had the responsibility for elderly relatives, one of the hardest things to cope with was the moaning. Nothing was right, the world was worse and getting worse ( more right now than a few years ago!) , it was really depressing.

I never found an answer. I just had to accept that was how they were, and let them bang on. Sometimes with one, I would just put the phone down for a minute, and put the washing on or something. They didn’t notice.

it’s your offering to listen, and express sympathy with murmuring noises. Treasure in Heaven, and all that.

I feel like she’s very much entitled to her feelings and it must suck for her. I don’t think she has to just accept it.

However Im not sure you are the most appropriate person to do anything about it, or sounding board, as you live a long way away, have young children and work full time. There must be someone more appropriately placed?

YABU

It is hard, especially for the "fitter" member of an elderly couple when one has health issues and they are so used to doing everything together. They often feel obliged to stay with their partner but it means they don't go out with other people and if they do go out together it requires a lot more planning/effort due to the less able partners limitations so they stop making the effort and then end up stuck at home.

What I would be doing is encouraging your grandmother to go out without your grandfather even if it's just for short periods - either have someone spend the afternoon with him while she goes out to do an activity with friends or a social group so she doesn't feel like she's "leaving him behind" or find out if there is an Age UK or similar centre nearby where they have a day centre where your grandmother could leave your grandfather so she can go out and do things, knowing he's safe and looked after.

it’s your offering to listen, and express sympathy with murmuring noises

Exactly. You can't change them, or their attitude. When DM moved in with us I took her to different activities with me hoping that she'd make friends and get involved with village life, but she didn't want to and her world is very small - all about us really. Which can be frustrating as it can be rather suffocating, but it's her choice and we can't change that. I still go out and do different things with her but she has no interest in doing things independently.

Also if you are five hours away, there is really only so much you can do. Your young family comes first.

This. YANBU op

If she won't leave grandad, how does she go to the shops and the hairdresseres every week? She must be mobile if she can do that. Most areas have lunch clubs etc for elderly folk, does she go to church?
There's lots of stuff elderly but mobile folk can do, but nobody can force them.
She could get a sitting service in for a couple of hours a week to get out and mingle with people. If she's not willing to do that then unfortunately there's not much more you can do.
Just let her get on with it

I know how you feel. My father is in the same boat. I used to go over all the time, but I was neglecting my family and house. Now I see him once a week and he calls me once a week too. That's enough for me. He can't believe how his life's changed too. I understand that. I find any suggestions I make e.g. downsize and move closer to me, join a club, get a hobby, reconnect with old living pals all gets dismissed. Sometimes they just like to have a good moan.

I wish I could do something to help, but AIBU to think that she needs to accept that her time is nearly up and be grateful for what she does have?

This IS a crass and unkind sentiment and why you're getting some negative responses. Reading your subsequent posts with an open mind, I think it sounds like this was expressed badly and mostly you're frustrated that she is so unhappy and can't be happy with what she has. Which is still a little unfair, but understandable.

It does sound like she COULD do stuff, but chooses not to. is she struggling because she is basically a carer for your granddad now? In which case perhaps you need to be encouraging her to look into more support - such as someone who comes to be with him a few times a week so she can perhaps get out a bit more. My gran has a more active social life than I do frankly - she's at the gardening club or her book club or getting her little chores done. She's 94 and gets tired easily so has cut back on what she does , but she keeps herself active both physically and mentally. But importantly, she doesn't have someone else she's responsible for ....

it's her choice.
if she literally won't leave her husband and he's housebound the options are very limited.
the online tours thing was a good idea.
new hobbies that can be done inside - jigsaws, puzzles, crafts, making simple things.
encourage her to go out with a friend or to something but ultimately it's her decision. a bit sad bc she might really enjoy it once she is there. if i was housebound i would not want my partner to stay in with me 100% of the time at all. i'd want them to be able to go out and enjoy themselves, why should two people be confined when only one has to?

AIBU to think that she needs to accept that her time is nearly up and be grateful for what she does have? it's this bit that's making people think badly of you I think. She might not be able to accept it and she might be struggling with the aging process.

also - maybe focus on what your grandad likes doing. are there any hobbies he enjoys that a friend can come and do with him? then she would have to 'get out of the way' maybe reframed like that it would be easier for her to go out!

I wish I could do something to help, but AIBU to think that she needs to accept that her time is nearly up and be grateful for what she does have?

Yep, it's this as to why you're getting a hard time and rightly so tbh. You then point out all the ways that you are caring but it's just such a crass and horrible thing that you have written, perhaps you've expressed yourself very clumsily and I'm being generous to you there, but the way you've written that makes it sound like you're not particularly upset that she won't be around much longer as well!

I say that as someone who is very pragmatic about very elderly people dying, I've had too many younger relatives die and someone dying in their 80s/90s is not tragic, it's just life. But on a personal level I miss my grandparents so much, I wish so much that they were still here. My last grandparent recently died and its brought back all the sadness at losing the others too. And how I wish I had spent more time with them.

AIBU to think that she needs to accept that her time is nearly up and be grateful for what she does have

Seeing as this was your original question, then yes YABU for being so brutal in your attitude. Your poor grandma, she's clearly having a really difficult time and is reaching out for help. She might be elderly but she's also still a human being with a life who is trying to exert some agency and needs help in continuing to find meaning. Can you not specifically address it with the family that live closer?

@LookingForTipsNotPuns what a horrible comment. I don't need or want her money and would much rather have my grandparents

@MotherOfFireBreathers yes, I can accept that I worded it clumsily. But she's not going to read it!! I would never say anything like this to her. We are very close and I will be devastated when they both go

@whatsup00 sadly not, he is in much worse health and I don't think he has long left. He is old and tired and can't breathe and has no interest in doing anything. So i do understand why she won't leave him, maybe she will want to get out more when it's just her 😢