I don’t know where to turn re dd and school

[Frustratedcamel]

I posted a while ago regarding my dd (now 13) and her difficulties since starting senior school whilst awaiting neuro developmental assessment.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4570006-to-ask-for-help-with-dd12-im-at-the-end-of-my-tether

Things have gone from bad to worse and I’m totally stuck and feel like I have nowhere to turn.

Her behavioural problems have got worse and she’s constantly in trouble, detentions, isolation, even suspension on occasion.

My problem now is what to do next. The latest in a long line of incidents is that she was issued a self regulation pass from SEN, she was told she could use this to exit lessons if she was overwhelmed and go to SEN. The pass was confiscated from her on Friday because she had “used it incorrectly”. I was there when she was told the teacher had to let her use it…apparently a teacher said no, but she walked out anyway and was disciplined for this.

When they phoned me, they said she’s trying to use it to get out of trouble (which was one of the reasons she was given it…to go and calm down rather than stand and argue or similar). She’s confused and upset, I’m bloody confused and now she has no self regulation pass, she has to wait for the class teacher to ring for someone to come and get her (which means waiting, which is the hard bit as these things are often done in crisis).

I feel very much that they concentrate so much on reprimanding her for her behaviour that they are failing to see what it’s doing to her mental health. I can see their frustration as it’s disruptive, but the punishments aren’t working. In fact they’re making it worse!

I can’t move her to an appropriate school until we have a diagnosis and an EHCP, though I do think she’d manage mainstream school fine with the appropriate support (so does her SEN keyworker).

CYPS are aware, I’ve emailed them. She has a counselling appointment next week, though because the main problem is school, I'm not sure how much that will help, Im willing to try anything though.

In the meantime, I’m torn. Her mental health is so low, the school don’t seem to want to listen and keep saying it’s chosen behaviour, she needs face consequences etc. What the hell can I do, who can I turn to?

Have you applied for an EHCNA? You don’t need a diagnosis for an EHCP.

The school need to be providing more support and making reasonable adjustments. Have you spoken to the SENCO directly?

I hadn’t heard of an EHCNA, but have just googled and will ask about this tomorrow.

I sent an email on Friday night and copied in the SENDCO, I’m hoping to be able to speak to her tomorrow also.

What seems to happen is they’ll put something in place, but the HOYs / some teachers don’t seem to allow her the freedom to do some of the things she’s been advised to, as it doesn’t fit in with their rules if you see what I mean? They see it more as a privilege that can be taken off her for bad behaviour I think! Then they’ll state their side to whoever else and it seems to be what they say goes, but they don’t seem to have a clue about LD / neuro diversity.

EHCNA is just another name for the process of requesting an EHC plan. You don’t need a diagnosis for this though.

Thankyou for that; I didn’t realise. I will absolutely get straight on to that tomorrow. I’ve just talked to her now and she explained very clearly what happened in the run up to her having the pass confiscated….she was having a meltdown and wanted to get straight to SEN like she was told to…teacher stopped her and asked where she was going, she was tearful and said SEN, they then made a massive deal out of it and she said she heard them on the radio asking someone to get her. If they’d just let her go with no fuss, none of it would have happened….they’re just always on her back.

The EHCNA is the needs assessment you apply for that’s carried out before an EHCP is issued (or not). You don’t request an EHCP as such but an EHCNA. IPSEA have a model letter on their website you can use to request one. It’s poor an EHCNA hasn’t been requested already.

The HOYs/teachers need reminding they must allow reasonable adjustments.

Was she able to tell you what happened prior to her meltdown and what she thinks might have caused her to feel so bad?

Thankyou, that’s really helpful.

Yes, I agree, it’s like she doesn’t have a chance….they’re now trying to say it’s a safeguarding issue because she’s wandering the corridors, she’s not, she’s walking to SEN!!

It sounds difficult OP but be careful you get the full story. It sort of sounds like your DD knows she's in trouble for something and is choosing to go to SEN rather than face the music. I appreciate she needs some help with calming down but it can't be that she uses it to avoid consequences?

She had felt tearful because she was panicking about the lesson that she had coming up as she finds it difficult (she doesn’t always panic but on this occasion she did). She asked the teacher if she could go to SEN showing her the pass and the teacher said no. She asked again (a bit more pleading) and was told no, so she got really upset and walked away towards SEN anyway. At this point she was stopped and asked where she was going, she said SEN and again, a massive deal was made of her going there.

I'd ask for a managed move.

My ds original secondary use to pull this crap about not using the pass correctly.

It's absolute bollocks. It's to allow them to learn to self regulate. If it's controlled by teachers then they are self regulating.

@KweenieBeanz I was present when she was given the pass and I heard them tell her she could use it if she was for example given a C2 for bad behaviour and wanted to calm down to avoid getting a C3. Also if she felt overwhelmed, anxious or upset.
She’s used to being disciplined though, she gets detentions every day 😞

@itsgettingweird exactly! I said that it’s defeating the object surely!

Are you absolutely sure that she goes straight to student support?

The vast majority of our students who we have given passes to use them appropriately - but there is a small minority that try to go for a wander or hide in the toilets.

I am sure, she doesn’t use the pass very often and her key worker who is based in SEN has confirmed she does go there.

She doesn’t need to use the pass for the toilet as she already has a toilet pass (due to a medical condition, not related) .

Unfortunately, I think she's now doomed at that school.
They'll be watching everything she does and says.
Similar happened to a friends child... they got expelled in the end.
Any chance you can remove her before this happens.

@catandcoffee, I feel this is where we’re headed and that’s why I’m desperate for help and advice…I don’t know which schools would have good SEN provision, on paper, the school she attends does, but in reality not so much.

Was there anyone else in the class
With a pass? I only ask as at my last school teachers were only allowed one out at a time ... (I am no longer there as SEND support was shocking)

One other student, but she was in the class.

Can you take her out and just home ed? I took DD out when she was 12 because I could see how bad the system was already failing her.

Don’t deregister and EHE. Parents often find it easier (although not easy) to get support when their DC remains on the school’s roll even if they don’t attend. Crudely you are someone’s problem, whereas it is too easy for professionals to sweep DC’s needs under the carpet if you EHE. And by EHE the LA will say you are making suitable alternative arrangements thereby relieving them of their duties.

Instead apply for an EHCNA yourself ASAP. In the meantime if DD isn’t able to attend school due to her SEN &/or MH the LA should arrange alternative provision.

@Harrysnippleno3, I really wish I could, unfortunately I’m a single parent and need to work, so I wouldn’t be able to home educate her.

I would go and have an honest chat with them about the pass and why the teacher said no.
I think the passes can be brilliant when used well, but equally well, they can be unhelpful for some children.

One thing to ask is how often she's using the pass and in what circumstances.

I know in one of my dc's forms there was a child who went through a time of removing himself within the first 5 minutes of every lesson whatever happened, even with other measures put in place to help him. Ultimately this wasn't very helpful for him.

@MargaretThursday , as far as I’ve been told by her keyworker, she hasn’t used it every day, she’s used it maybe 8 times since she’s had it, so not very often….at first some teachers were trying to encourage her to use it more, but she felt embarrassed.

www.sossen.org.uk/information_sheets.php

Apply for assessment now. Id also consider managed move. Start talking to different schools - look at schools with sen units of they have any near you.

Im going through VERY similar with my daughter. She's now on a part time table because her mental health is in tatters. There just isn't the correct support! It took 16months to get her EHCP done instead of 5 months