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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel this meetup if it's at her house again?

61 replies

Growingmyhairout · 06/11/2022 16:32

I have a friend who lives about 40 mins away by car. However, there are places we could meet in between which would take her about 15 mins max to reach.
Anyway, I've had some problems with her and a couple of others for a while in terms of me having to always be the one to travel to them (I know people will make excuses about petrol etc. But realistically if people want to do something they will)
I've finally got one friend who's coming to see me next month which is great, but the friend in question will only meet up if it's at her house or within 5-10 mins at a local café.
She's got an 8 month old baby now, but this was the case before the baby. However how she's got her daughter it's even worse. It revolves around the baby's routine which I do understand (and I don't have children myself) but as I said it was the same before she got pregnant.
In the past 2 months I've tried to invite them socially to my home or something in my area 3 times and of course they couldn't make any of them.
However the other week she was out literally down the road from me with her fiance.
I decided to stop bothering with her and then a few weeks later she asked me for a coffee. It's meant to be next Saturday, we haven't arranged a meeting place yet but I'm 99% sure she'll have a reason as to why it needs to be at her home.
I feel like I'm being taken for a mug and being too accommodating. Why should I always be the one spending time and money to see them and they don't even have to get off the sofa?
I actually did tell them that I'd appreciate if we could meet in the middle or if they could come to mine just once as it was always me doing the travelling.
They said they would but that hasn't happened.
That's it really, I feel petty but I think I'm being too accommodating with her

OP posts:
Original poster
Growingmyhairout · 06/11/2022 16:34

If she was alone with 4 kids I could understand but she even said she took the baby out an hour away to see another friend. She has her husband and both sets of in laws within 15 mins. But again it was the same before her baby

OP posts:
BoobsAhoy · 06/11/2022 16:34

Do you actually like her

Thatiswild · 06/11/2022 16:35

Just say looking forward to seeing you next Saturday, definitely my turn to host, come over at 10.30? See what she says. If she says it needs to be there just say no, we’ve discussed this and it’s my turn not to have to travel!

KangarooKenny · 06/11/2022 16:35

I’d say you can’t do it unless she comes to you. I’d she won’t I’d stop contacting her.

Thatiswild · 06/11/2022 16:36

And if she won’t do it I’d just say oh well that’s a shame and leave it at that. It gets very annoying this!

Original poster
Growingmyhairout · 06/11/2022 16:36

It's nice when I see her but she's taking advantage.
I tried that once but she said she couldn't travel due to her breastfeeding routine.. so I feel like now I can't say anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Growingmyhairout · 06/11/2022 16:37

Yeah I think I'll just have to leave it if she does this again. It's a shame but it makes you feel like they just don't value you much

OP posts:
Original poster
Growingmyhairout · 06/11/2022 16:38

I also gave plenty of notice about these things I'd tried to arrange at/near my home. I can say with certainty they do very well financially as well, they've told me as much

OP posts:
GetThatHelmetOn · 06/11/2022 16:41

I don’t see why you are asking, if you don’t like her don’t bother. Simples.

Original poster
Growingmyhairout · 06/11/2022 16:41

I do like her, but I don't like this. I'm just asking if I should give it one more chance.. it was her that asked this time.

OP posts:
pastabakeonaplate · 06/11/2022 16:44

Does she have anxiety? Could you offer to meet her near her house then travel a bit further with her?

Original poster
Growingmyhairout · 06/11/2022 16:45

Well she certainly hasn't had this 'anxiety' when she was able to travel to rhe other places..
I've got it and I'm sick of it being used as an excuse

OP posts:
ThingsIhavelearnt · 06/11/2022 16:46

Growingmyhairout · 06/11/2022 16:36

It's nice when I see her but she's taking advantage.
I tried that once but she said she couldn't travel due to her breastfeeding routine.. so I feel like now I can't say anything

Point out she goes out with other people and the baby can come and you can be flexible with time

Looneytune253 · 06/11/2022 16:47

Why don't you pre empt her and send a cheery message now 'hey, do you mind if we meet over this way this time, the travelling is getting so expensive for me to come there every time, I'm so looking forward to it though' who could say a direct no to that?

pastabakeonaplate · 06/11/2022 16:47

Growingmyhairout · 06/11/2022 16:45

Well she certainly hasn't had this 'anxiety' when she was able to travel to rhe other places..
I've got it and I'm sick of it being used as an excuse

Fair enough then. Just don't bother and let the friendship drift apart.

Xmasbaby11 · 06/11/2022 16:50

Yeah you've gone out of your way enough. If she won't meet you halfway then she just not making the effort. I was driving up to an hour to meet friends when I was on mat leave and so were my friends - it's perfectly normal if you want to see someone!

Xmasbaby11 · 06/11/2022 16:53

You might find she's more flexible as the baby gets older.

Otoh she might expect you to work around naps even when she has a toddler so maybe not.

It would be good to know if there is a genuine reason why she won't travel - from what you've said, she simply can't be bothered.

mondaytosunday · 06/11/2022 16:54

I've been there. A friend moved about and hour and a quarter outside London. I was fine making the trip down, though occasionally we would meet at a public garden slightly closer to me.
Then she had kids so I always went to see her. Fair enough I thought it's a bit of a hassle with kids and they'd be happier in their own home with toys etc.
Then I had a big birthday/combined engagement party and she came up with the flimsiest excuse not to come 'all the way to London' for it. That gave me pause.
Then her kids were at school and I had babies and....I was still supposed to go to her! Whenever I convinced her to come up or even meet half way she would agree then always cancel. Her kids were in school all day plus her very fit mother lived with them so childcare wasn't an issue.
Anyway I eventually stopped asking. And therefore we eventually stopped meeting up. And eventually the friendship was over.

Blocked · 06/11/2022 16:55

Practically speaking her house would be the ideal meeting place. She doesn't have to arrange childcare, and the baby will be possibly sleeping or content to be at home at least rather than causing a racket in a cafe meaning neither of you can have a proper conversation. I can see why it's annoying for you though.

babyyodaxmas · 06/11/2022 16:56

With an eight month old it will almost certainly work better for everyone if it is at her house. It is extremely likely the baby will need one of more of the following all which wil be easier at her home;
1)Feeding solids in high chair with attendant bowls, spoons, beakers, bibs and mess like you just would believe.
2)Breast feed during which at this age they may well pull away leaving your mate's breast on display or not feed well unless distractions are minimised
3) Nap again much more likely to settle easily at home
4) Nappy change and or total body change depending on the mess of the meal/nappy.
5) Playtime which likely means lying on the floor in a clear space on a play mat with toys and or rolling, crawling, pulling up or cruising.

IME this was the hardest age to take to unfamiliar environments they had a tolerance of sitting contentedly on my lap of maximum 10 minutes during which time I obviously couldn't have a hot drink.

hesbeingabitofadick · 06/11/2022 16:58

Get new friends.

Original poster
Growingmyhairout · 06/11/2022 17:00

Thanks for your replies, I do understand about the baby but this was the same before her.
That's why she hasn't seen any home I've lived in for almost 7 years now, funny that

OP posts:
Original poster
Growingmyhairout · 06/11/2022 17:01

But yeah sadly it's not just her it's a couple of others too.. i do just need to meet new people even if it's hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Growingmyhairout · 06/11/2022 17:03

Oh no I've just remembered, in 2019 i lived 10 mins drive from hers so i went round to hers (of course) she dropped me home once and saw the inside of it

OP posts:
Mamarsupial · 06/11/2022 17:05

babyyodaxmas · 06/11/2022 16:56

With an eight month old it will almost certainly work better for everyone if it is at her house. It is extremely likely the baby will need one of more of the following all which wil be easier at her home;
1)Feeding solids in high chair with attendant bowls, spoons, beakers, bibs and mess like you just would believe.
2)Breast feed during which at this age they may well pull away leaving your mate's breast on display or not feed well unless distractions are minimised
3) Nap again much more likely to settle easily at home
4) Nappy change and or total body change depending on the mess of the meal/nappy.
5) Playtime which likely means lying on the floor in a clear space on a play mat with toys and or rolling, crawling, pulling up or cruising.

IME this was the hardest age to take to unfamiliar environments they had a tolerance of sitting contentedly on my lap of maximum 10 minutes during which time I obviously couldn't have a hot drink.

So just leave the baby at home with somebody else? Not many 8 month olds exclusively breast feed.

YANBU OP