To cancel this meetup if it's at her house again?

[Growingmyhairout]

I have a friend who lives about 40 mins away by car. However, there are places we could meet in between which would take her about 15 mins max to reach.
Anyway, I've had some problems with her and a couple of others for a while in terms of me having to always be the one to travel to them (I know people will make excuses about petrol etc. But realistically if people want to do something they will)
I've finally got one friend who's coming to see me next month which is great, but the friend in question will only meet up if it's at her house or within 5-10 mins at a local café.
She's got an 8 month old baby now, but this was the case before the baby. However how she's got her daughter it's even worse. It revolves around the baby's routine which I do understand (and I don't have children myself) but as I said it was the same before she got pregnant.
In the past 2 months I've tried to invite them socially to my home or something in my area 3 times and of course they couldn't make any of them.
However the other week she was out literally down the road from me with her fiance.
I decided to stop bothering with her and then a few weeks later she asked me for a coffee. It's meant to be next Saturday, we haven't arranged a meeting place yet but I'm 99% sure she'll have a reason as to why it needs to be at her home.
I feel like I'm being taken for a mug and being too accommodating. Why should I always be the one spending time and money to see them and they don't even have to get off the sofa?
I actually did tell them that I'd appreciate if we could meet in the middle or if they could come to mine just once as it was always me doing the travelling.
They said they would but that hasn't happened.
That's it really, I feel petty but I think I'm being too accommodating with her

@HotCoffee22 I think she possibly does. She was a sickly child & was ill for a little while after leaving uni and though she's much better now - I have friends much frailer who've moved 100s of miles away) I think she's sort of withdrawn and is stuck. I've mentioned us doing things elsewhere before and her mum has said pointedly said "yes, great, do it" with purposeful looks at me- so I think the family are aware but unsure how to broach it openly with her. This is pre covid btw. 2012 onwards maybe?

It is a bit galling bevause I know she goes out & about- friends weddings etc or family days out on her insta or the occasional work trip/event. Not often but she does do it. She was excited to get a save the date for my wedding recently- she'll def come! In contrast she's turned down offers to go out with me which I've suggested in lieu of visits to mine in case it was my cooking or housekeeping putting her off (no one else has ever said anything ) ... yet she always wants to see me and arrange dates- until I say "come to me" or "great lets try x place". I think others have fallen away.

She blew me away recently saying she missed how we used to go out at uni and that she was sad she didn't get to go and look at wedding venues with me. It never crossed my mind to take her because of previous last minute back outs, because I'd had no idea she'd want to and because they were more practical visits in nature and I naturally went with DP. I'm hoping she's starting to want not to miss out anymore.

It amazes me people can hike the Andes with babies in tow yet woe betide they drive for 40 minutes without breastfeeding.

Get new friends.

I didn't mean the same people 😂

It is frustrating when friends are rigid like this and you feel as if you’ve always got to accommodate their wishes. However if you would like to be friends with this person I wouldn’t fall out over this.
I know you say it started before the baby, but with the baby it is harder to organise things so go with the flow. Look at it this way, you don’t have to tidy up and can have a change of scene.

Tbh I do think more and more people nowadays are getting very controlling about whether activities fit exactly in with their preferences. It is quite disappointing to those of us who end up making the effort. But sometimes new friends aren’t that easy to find.

Zombie

Oh silly me, old thread

Not sure why you’re getting a hard time about this OP, I totally get it. If I was meeting just my close friends, I would feel free to show the unedited version of myself, be honest if I was feeling a bit low, and I would be relaxed. If another person who I was not close to joined the group, the dynamic would change.

It has nothing to do with how pleasant the other person is. It’s about having to stick to conversation topics that include the new person (rather than making reference to any shared history with the close friends and potentially excluding the newbie)” and feeling like you need to project the “good version” of yourself. Plus the realisation that your close friends don’t place the same value on quality time with you. I’ve had it done to me and felt exactly the same.

I would add that the context is very relevant here. It’s fine to randomly invite another person to a casual meet up in the park or a trip to soft play with the kids. This is different from what you’ve said (arranged 6 weeks ago etc).

Oh for gods sake, wrong thread. Sorry!!

40 minutes is a long way for someone with a young baby. You say you’ve asked her 4 different times to come to your area, it’s thoughtless of you to never offer in the first place to come to her area. Why don’t you drive the 40 minutes, then you finally want to ‘compromise’ by meeting halfway, she’s busy with her baby right now, it’s a season of life that is soon over. Her life does not revolve around you. You should have some consideration for her situation right now.

Old thread, I didn’t know.