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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cancel this meetup if it's at her house again?

61 replies

Growingmyhairout · 06/11/2022 16:32

I have a friend who lives about 40 mins away by car. However, there are places we could meet in between which would take her about 15 mins max to reach.
Anyway, I've had some problems with her and a couple of others for a while in terms of me having to always be the one to travel to them (I know people will make excuses about petrol etc. But realistically if people want to do something they will)
I've finally got one friend who's coming to see me next month which is great, but the friend in question will only meet up if it's at her house or within 5-10 mins at a local café.
She's got an 8 month old baby now, but this was the case before the baby. However how she's got her daughter it's even worse. It revolves around the baby's routine which I do understand (and I don't have children myself) but as I said it was the same before she got pregnant.
In the past 2 months I've tried to invite them socially to my home or something in my area 3 times and of course they couldn't make any of them.
However the other week she was out literally down the road from me with her fiance.
I decided to stop bothering with her and then a few weeks later she asked me for a coffee. It's meant to be next Saturday, we haven't arranged a meeting place yet but I'm 99% sure she'll have a reason as to why it needs to be at her home.
I feel like I'm being taken for a mug and being too accommodating. Why should I always be the one spending time and money to see them and they don't even have to get off the sofa?
I actually did tell them that I'd appreciate if we could meet in the middle or if they could come to mine just once as it was always me doing the travelling.
They said they would but that hasn't happened.
That's it really, I feel petty but I think I'm being too accommodating with her

OP posts:
MsRosley · 06/11/2022 17:08

OP, you are being taken for a mug and being too accommodating. I'm a bit like this and recently resolved that I would no longer chase people around ie. always be the person making arrangement, fitting in with other people. I'm fed up with it too.

Reebokclassics · 06/11/2022 17:13

Is your house clean and tidy? When my daughter was born there’s no way I would take her round my mates houses if they weren’t clean, I had a kid in my twenties so there were plenty of my friends who didn’t have kids yet and still lived like students! I did regularly go out and get the train places with her to see friends in restaurants etc tho

mam0918 · 06/11/2022 17:21

didnt this get posted a few weeks ago... like the EXACT same senario?

Gwenhwyfar · 06/11/2022 17:28

"recently resolved that I would no longer chase people around ie. always be the person making arrangement, fitting in with other people. I'm fed up with it too."

I don't know.
I kind of accept that sometimes I'm the one who needs to see people more so the effort will fall on me. Some people have other things in their life, like a young family or hobbies and others can go longer without seeing friends. I doubt many friendships are completely 50-50 in terms of effort.

Mary46 · 06/11/2022 17:45

Op I had this with a friend. I let her go. Always at hers. She didnt want pull kids out to a cafe think boy was 13 at time so would it work "to come to ours". The half way point seemed never work either. I realised when petrol went up I stopped all this chasing. And always me doing the mileage...

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 06/11/2022 17:47

SEVEN years?
I'd forget about going to her area. Friendship is a two way street.

Mary46 · 06/11/2022 17:49

MsRosley I feel the same now is friendship not 2 way efforts!!!

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 06/11/2022 17:54

Well I was not chained to my home when my kids were 8 months.

PurplePansy05 · 06/11/2022 18:00

Is it that she's an anxious driver? Perhaps her DH drove when they went out near you before? I'm not saying it's definitely that but it could be that in which case I'd be more accommodating if you want to see her. She'll get there in her own time. Can you meet up somewhere easy to get to by public transport?

Also re baby, I understand she was like this before but that's irrelevant. Now the baby is here she is working around her and she won't just stop right now to work around you instead. Her DD is only 8mo. You don't know what kind of baby she is and a routine may be important to her and to your friend right now. If she is an anxious person this would likely be particularly important to her. I thought along your lines pre-baby but since I've had DS, I've understood things get a lot more challenging trying to have me time with friends and that's not through lack of willingness. I think non-parent friends sometimes are fab but sometimes totally don't get it and drop off and that's just how it is.

MissPiggysPinkDress · 06/11/2022 18:07

I’d have to let this fizzle out, as it would annoy me too much I think

roarfeckingroarr · 06/11/2022 18:10

Didn't you post about this a week or so ago?

ChampagneLassie · 06/11/2022 18:12

You dont sound like you like her much. Perhaps for both of you you like each other enough to hang out if it's on your own terms but if not, not. That's fine just let it slide and see her if convenient. I've got a friend like this who doesn't seem to get the hint I'm never going to make the effort I only saw her previously when it suited.

OMG12 · 06/11/2022 18:13

I have a friend like this, long term friends from school, but over the years I have been getting increasingly pissed off, it’s always at hers, she last visited here 8 years ago for my wedding. My dad died earlier this year, still had to go round hers.

I’ve given up now, such a Shame when we see each other we get on fine.

does she live where you used to - people seem to always think it’s the responsibility of those who moved away to come back.

Couldyounot · 06/11/2022 18:13

We had friends like this (note: had). Every time we arranged to meet them it was always at theirs or somewhere 15-20 minutes from theirs (but always an hour plus for us). Queried why they couldn't come to us - it was apparently "too far", even though I had previously commuted that distance every day for a number of years 🤔 We concluded that they weren't arsed and left it at that

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/11/2022 18:19

If you invite her to yours, perhaps you can say, come anytime after X, happy to be flexible to fit in with nap/feeding times.

MyMumSaysALot · 06/11/2022 18:21

Growingmyhairout · 06/11/2022 16:45

Well she certainly hasn't had this 'anxiety' when she was able to travel to rhe other places..
I've got it and I'm sick of it being used as an excuse

@Growingmyhairout

If you value your friendship with this person, tell her the truth. Be frank.
Tell her you feel taken advantage of, that X# of times you’ve traveled to her house and she’s never come to yours and it’s expensive and inconvenient and it hurts your feelings - because you feel she likes seeing you only if you make the effort.
Tell her that you’ve given her the benefit of the doubt that she doesn’t realise how she’s abusing your friendship, and that you just can’t participate any more if she can’t reciprocate.
I doubt she realises she’s done anything wrong since she’s done this for so long, but at least give her the opportunity to respond.
And separate the excuses from the legitimate reasons.

HotCoffee22 · 06/11/2022 18:22

KangarooKenny · 06/11/2022 16:35

I’d say you can’t do it unless she comes to you. I’d she won’t I’d stop contacting her.

Agree. I have the opposite problem with one of my good friends. I desperately try and meet somewhere other than my house, I end up feeding all 3, her kids trash my house and sometimes I just can’t be bothered with it. I understand the frustration OP. It’s the expectation.

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/11/2022 18:25

SACK HER OFF OP

she sounds like a crap friend

MrsToothyBitch · 06/11/2022 18:29

Given that she's a long term offender at this, YANBU OP. Ditch her. They don't change.

I have a friend like this. She still lives at home (we're early 30s) and she's never visited any of my rentals and now she's never seen the flat I've bought. She backs out of attempts to meet up at the last minute if they're not at hers or finds a reason to have them at hers. She wfh and doesn't drive but I know she is capable of getting out & about when there's something in it for her. I know her mum would like her to get out & about more, I've had meaningful looks!

I'm getting really, really fed up of always being the one driving, dealing with rush hr traffic- especially as I'm a nervous driver, incurring travel costs and going to get house and eating EXACTLY the same meal. I stick with it because she's genuinely lovely but it would be nice if it was my turn just once.

Mariposista · 06/11/2022 18:50

I used to have a friend like this. CF!
Stand up for yourself and she will soon get the message.

Mary46 · 06/11/2022 19:47

Not nice always the one doing the running. In friends case it was always about her kids. These were not newborn or young ages either. It wasnt just down the road either

Cherryana · 06/11/2022 20:00

I had this with a friend. I always had to go to her, and even when we did stuff with our children - the half way point was 15 minutes closer to her house. So one day I stopped and decided to see what would happen.

I have stayed in touch over whatsapp for birthdays and stuff but I have never said let's meet up and nor has she. So that's that.

HotCoffee22 · 06/11/2022 20:06

MrsToothyBitch · 06/11/2022 18:29

Given that she's a long term offender at this, YANBU OP. Ditch her. They don't change.

I have a friend like this. She still lives at home (we're early 30s) and she's never visited any of my rentals and now she's never seen the flat I've bought. She backs out of attempts to meet up at the last minute if they're not at hers or finds a reason to have them at hers. She wfh and doesn't drive but I know she is capable of getting out & about when there's something in it for her. I know her mum would like her to get out & about more, I've had meaningful looks!

I'm getting really, really fed up of always being the one driving, dealing with rush hr traffic- especially as I'm a nervous driver, incurring travel costs and going to get house and eating EXACTLY the same meal. I stick with it because she's genuinely lovely but it would be nice if it was my turn just once.

She’s sounds like she has social anxiety? Not suggesting you’re unreasonable to get fed up, but that doesn’t sound healthy.

Courgeon · 06/11/2022 20:08

I have a friend who lives at least 5 hours away in a touristy area. Since she's moved away from the city I live in its always been me who travels to see her at considerable time and expense. She has no kids (I have 2) and agree lives with her partner and the dog. I go to see her on my own, she always makes excuses that be it's difficult to get dog care. I point out she could come alone but her and her partner do everything together including holidays where the dog goes into dog care. I'm fed up with it but am balking at the thought of trying to have a conversation about it.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 06/11/2022 22:10

When I said I wasn't chained to the home before, I realized that was because I always had my baby with me.