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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stuck between son and partner

126 replies

Gemma7899 · 06/11/2022 14:24

Hello. I need to know if IABU, I feel so stuck in the middle and cannot see clearly. I'm sorry it's a bit of a long backstory.

My ds is 13 and has entered a real teenager phase. He rarely helps out unless asked several times, is 80% of the time in his room and being grumpy, doesn't think properly about anything like his head is in the clouds.

My partner of 9 years gets on at him a bit saying he doesn't help enough he should do this he should do that. He shouldnt eat upstairs, he showers too long, he eats too much all of this kind of stuff.
In between all of this he is great he helps him with his bike and they watch football together and more. My ds doesn't see his real dad very much.

We've had an incident where my ds hasn't put his bike away in the shed very well and has scratched my partners racing bike.
At the time he was very calm about it and taked him through how to do put it away nicely ect. I felt awful for both of them, my son because he's done yet another thing wrong and for my partner as his expensive bike has been scratched but I thought he was being calm and understanding about it and put it down to an accident and all was forgotten.

I was wrong. A few weeks later my mum had brought my son a pc (off of my brother to help him out financially) and we talked together about how he can work the money off so he feels like he's earnt it and not just been given a pc. (I want to teach him the value of money and that you have to work hard to get what you want) however my partner has flipped out about it saying he's been waiting for my son to offer to pay for his damaged bike or to do some jobs to pay off for the damage. He's so cross that he's getting to 'buy' and pc but not payed for the damaged bike.
I've suggested my son doesn't get the pc until he's paid or worked off the bike damage but my parter doesnt want to look like the bad guy.
He's said he can wait til after Christmas then make him pay it off but I don't think this is fair. I'd rather resolve the problem now.

I feel like he begrudges my son of having anything good but at the same time I know my son needs to pull his finger out!

My partner has a son aged 17 and if he damaged something no questions would be asked. He gets anything he askes for and does nothing to help or to earn money (he doesn't live with us)

We've had massive arguments about it and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or doing the right thing. I am terrified of pushing my son away and getting on at him the whole time but at the same time I want to maintain a happy household for my other kids and I don't want to push away my partner. Am I in the wrong? Should I be more harsh on my son? Or Should I defend him more? I feel so stuck and don't know how to resolve the issue. I cannot see a way out of it.

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 06/11/2022 17:18

He never says these things to my sons face just makes comments to me

Your DP has been in your DS's life for 9 years, and still can't properly communicate with him?

By bitching to you, your DP is creating negative feeling between you and your DS. He doesn't sit the kid down and talk through issues: he comes to you, expecting you to take his side and 'sort out' your DS. So you get any upset directed at you, and you end up arguing with your DS ... so in DS's eyes, you're backing DP over him.

Does DP use your DS as a scapegoat when dealing with your shared DC? sorry kids, can't play football with you as I have to mend my bike that your brother damaged.

whatthejuice · 06/11/2022 17:37

My husband's childhood was completely marred by a "stepfather" like your partner.
In reality he has never called the man a stepfather, his relationship with his mother, though friendly, has never recovered, and he is much closer to my family and of course now our own as a result.
Kids always, always, always come first.

Greenshake · 06/11/2022 17:39

God, I am sick of these posts where women continuously prioritise men over their own child/children. Just sick of them.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 06/11/2022 17:42

Greenshake · 06/11/2022 17:39

God, I am sick of these posts where women continuously prioritise men over their own child/children. Just sick of them.

agreed. I hate reading stuff like this

diddl · 06/11/2022 17:42

Greenshake · 06/11/2022 17:39

God, I am sick of these posts where women continuously prioritise men over their own child/children. Just sick of them.

Plus have more kids when you both already have kids.

What is the need for kids "together"?

endofthelinefinally · 06/11/2022 17:47

Never ever would I put a man before my child. I just can't understand mothers who do that.

Jamimas · 06/11/2022 17:52

Please prioritise your son, op

LondonWolf · 06/11/2022 17:53

Greenshake · 06/11/2022 17:39

God, I am sick of these posts where women continuously prioritise men over their own child/children. Just sick of them.

Same. Bleating "what should I do?"

They know exactly what they should do but they just don't want to.

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 06/11/2022 17:53

Greenshake · 06/11/2022 17:39

God, I am sick of these posts where women continuously prioritise men over their own child/children. Just sick of them.

Yes, they're dickmatised, as the Americans say. Nothing is more important than getting dick. Anything for a man/f* ck. They don't care the harm they cause to their child, they just don't want to be 'alone' so even the worst scumbag is better than being alone. It's so sad that OP's son feels so unwelcome and unloved that he hides away in his room. If I were the OP, that would break my heart. Then again, I'd never do that to my son in the first place. The pisstaking cocklodger would be kicked to the gutter if I were the OP.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 06/11/2022 17:55

Jengnr · 06/11/2022 14:40

If your partner wanted your son to repay the damage he ought to have used his words like a big boy.

It’s almost like he waited until your son got something nice and tried to ruin it. Childish and spiteful.

This.

He begrudges your ds being given something nice. He sounds a nasty piece of work and I wouldn’t be forcing my ds to tolerate him. Your ds is being damaged emotionally by this man. You may think he doesn’t see it but he absolutely does. Defend your ds and get him out if he doesn’t change.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 06/11/2022 17:58

Don’t racing bikes get scratched in use? They must? What’s one more scratch? Who even cares about a stupid scratch on a bike?

Your ds sounds ‘picked on’. Why buy him a pc which he then had to pay for? They need them for school anyway to do homework on. Isn’t it a school item? Shouldn’t he have been involved in the decision?

lunar1 · 06/11/2022 17:59

The time to discuss the bike was when it happened.

Your partner is abusive and you need to get your son away from him. Nobody needs to grow up with someone who is going to bide their time and explode like this days/weeks/months after an incident.

Your son will spend all his time waiting for the other shoe to drop. I find it heartbreaking to read about so many children being forced to live with people like this.

mathanxiety · 06/11/2022 18:21

@Gemma7899
No, your son would be better off without the 'father figure'.

He needs you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/11/2022 18:22

TL,DR: your DP is being an arse and you need to stand with your DS on this one (and maybe reset some of the house rules/expectations too).

"...however my partner has flipped out about it saying he's been waiting for my son to offer to pay for his damaged bike or to do some jobs to pay off for the damage. He's so cross that he's getting to 'buy' and pc but not payed for the damaged bike."
What does your partner think this damage amounts to? It's a scratch.

I just ran this past my cycling-enthusiast DH (several bikes, some built from scratch), who said that getting some touch-up paint from Halfords would be a bit shit-looking, scratches you can't be too bothered about, a steel frame might be open to rust if the scratch was very deep but on the whole unlikely, carbon fibre frame a scratch wouldn't matter. Personally he wouldn't bother, but he does know some people who are very precious about their bike who would go full-on respray (hundreds of £).

So, is your partner 'precious' about his bike? Is he a poseur rather than a keen cyclist? Because this 'damage' won't interfere with him using the bike. It will ride in exactly the same way it always has. A touch-up pen was £8 last time I bought one for my car, is that the level he expects - or several hundreds for a respray?

By raising the matter only NOW - he's having a tantrum and needs to grow the fuck up. If he wanted damage paid for, he should have raised it at the time and said how much. An £8 paint pen I might have got DS to pay for, a respray - dream on!

"I've suggested my son doesn't get the pc until he's paid or worked off the bike damage but my parter doesnt want to look like the bad guy."
Bollocks to that. He's happy to BE the bad guy, just doesn't want to LOOK it.

"He's said he can wait til after Christmas then make him pay it off but I don't think this is fair. I'd rather resolve the problem now."
You're right to want to resolve it now. But really, it should have been resolved THEN. I mean, waiting for a 13 year old to offer? No he wasn't! Had your son thought to offer he'd have offered THEN. Your DP was not 'waiting', that's a bare-faced lie. He's peeved that your son is getting something and he wants to piss on your son's chips. Your DP needs to be the adult here and stop mewling that he wants a scratch on his bike expensively repaired before anyone else gets anything because he's the important person in this household and wants everyone to know it<rolls eyes>!

Side question - did your DP care enough about this scratch to instigate any repairs himself? Given it's been a few weeks since it happened? If not - then he's not really worried about the scratch.

"I feel like he begrudges my son of having anything good but at the same time I know my son needs to pull his finger out!"
Yes he does begrudge your son. And all 13 year olds need to pull their finger outSmile. But the fact remains that this was justcarelessness on your son's part, not deliberate - it was an accident. 13 year olds are growing and that affects their proprioception (awareness of where their body is in space) which can make them a bit clumsy. They overreach/underreach because their brain thinks their arms are still the same length they were last week. Frankly, they need to be cut a bit of slack on this.

"My partner has a son aged 17 and if he damaged something no questions would be asked. He gets anything he askes for and does nothing to help or to earn money (he doesn't live with us)"
I would be pointing this out to my partner. Forcibly. Because your partner is being a fucking hypocrite here, and I cannot abide hypocrisy. And for this reason alone, I'd be telling my partner that NO, my son will not be paying for a scratch that happened accidentally, and YES, my son will be getting this second-hand PC. And that I expect he, my partner should have a damn good think about how he treats my son and he'd better buck his ideas up considerably, because this picking on my son when he treats his own son so differently will no longer be tolerated.

drkpl · 06/11/2022 18:32

Honestly, if he’d intentionally damaged your dp’s bike then I’d understand. However, it was an accident and he’s only 13. I can’t imagine getting that het up with a 13 year old for accidentally scratching my bike…I mean, it’s only domestic damage. Does your ds need a pc for homework and stuff? I don’t see why your ds shouldn’t get nice things because he hastily put his bike away.

RadioactiveWear · 27/02/2023 11:39

Expensive road bike you say?
Your DH is in for a shock. Potholes, coming off it, other peoples bikes….these will all scratch it. Maybe he should keep it in a glass box and just look at it.

Your poor son. He’s a hormonal teen, with no dad in his life and his mums partner is making his home life difficult. He must be having a really hard time of it.

AnnieSaxophone · 27/02/2023 11:48

Your poor son - your DP sounds controlling and abusive. What an awful way to think let alone behave.

piedbeauty · 27/02/2023 12:26
  1. Your partner should treat his son and yours equally. In fact he should give your son more leeway as he's 13, not 17.
  1. Your son does sound annoying to live with, and the bike incident is annoying. BUT your partner should have dealt with it then and there, eg asked for payment if that was necessary, not brought it up now.
  1. Does your son need the PC for school work or gaming? If the former, does he have to pay for it? If the latter, he probably does.
  1. Have you spoken to your son about his behaviour and what you expect of him?
piedbeauty · 27/02/2023 12:30

I didn't get from your post that your partner was constantly going on at your son. Only you know this.

How much criticism is there, and how much time do they spend having fun together?

Things like eating in his room, the amount he eats - nothing to do with him. He should pick his battles.

TeaAndTattoos · 27/02/2023 14:11

your partner is BVU if he wanted your son to pay for the damage then he should’ve spoke up at the time as he didn’t he now can’t say that he wants him to pay for the damage because as far as your son is concerned your partner accepted that it was an accident at the time and that’s it sorted. Let your son have his pc and tell your partner to stop acting like a brat.

OhmygodDont · 27/02/2023 14:27

Op will be back here wondering why her son is nc or will be a mil blaming the dil “for not letting my son and dgc visit” neglecting the fact she never stuck up for him when he needed her because her bf was more important smh.

Everanewbie · 27/02/2023 14:28

Conflating so many issues here.

  1. Maybe he should help out a bit around the house. Come up with a plan if you think he does.
  2. The bike. He's a grown man, it was a scratch, not structural damage. And it was an accident. Don't give the lad grief over this and don't let DP either. Tell him to be more careful in future. That's it. You can't come back to it weeks/months later.
  3. The PC. Presumably he needs it for schoolwork? Nothing to do with the bike. Son get new PC, several days later, by the way, you need to work it off?

I feel a bit sorry for this lad. He doesn't sound perfect, but scratching a bike and enjoying his own space don't make him the full on teenage dirtbag he's being made to feel.

Goldenbear · 27/02/2023 14:36

piedbeauty, I totally disagree, he sounds like a typical 13 year old in terms of attention to household stuff and not annoying at all. How can he be that annoying if he is in his room? I feel really sorry for him and actually the OP needs to sort this out for her son's quality of life!

B0g · 27/02/2023 14:39

What @AndyWarholsPiehole said. A kid you chose to have must be centred and prioritised over some shitty boyfriend.

lazycats · 27/02/2023 14:39

Why has this zombie thread been reanimated?