Stuck between son and partner

[Gemma7899]

Hello. I need to know if IABU, I feel so stuck in the middle and cannot see clearly. I'm sorry it's a bit of a long backstory.

My ds is 13 and has entered a real teenager phase. He rarely helps out unless asked several times, is 80% of the time in his room and being grumpy, doesn't think properly about anything like his head is in the clouds.

My partner of 9 years gets on at him a bit saying he doesn't help enough he should do this he should do that. He shouldnt eat upstairs, he showers too long, he eats too much all of this kind of stuff.
In between all of this he is great he helps him with his bike and they watch football together and more. My ds doesn't see his real dad very much.

We've had an incident where my ds hasn't put his bike away in the shed very well and has scratched my partners racing bike.
At the time he was very calm about it and taked him through how to do put it away nicely ect. I felt awful for both of them, my son because he's done yet another thing wrong and for my partner as his expensive bike has been scratched but I thought he was being calm and understanding about it and put it down to an accident and all was forgotten.

I was wrong. A few weeks later my mum had brought my son a pc (off of my brother to help him out financially) and we talked together about how he can work the money off so he feels like he's earnt it and not just been given a pc. (I want to teach him the value of money and that you have to work hard to get what you want) however my partner has flipped out about it saying he's been waiting for my son to offer to pay for his damaged bike or to do some jobs to pay off for the damage. He's so cross that he's getting to 'buy' and pc but not payed for the damaged bike.
I've suggested my son doesn't get the pc until he's paid or worked off the bike damage but my parter doesnt want to look like the bad guy.
He's said he can wait til after Christmas then make him pay it off but I don't think this is fair. I'd rather resolve the problem now.

I feel like he begrudges my son of having anything good but at the same time I know my son needs to pull his finger out!

My partner has a son aged 17 and if he damaged something no questions would be asked. He gets anything he askes for and does nothing to help or to earn money (he doesn't live with us)

We've had massive arguments about it and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or doing the right thing. I am terrified of pushing my son away and getting on at him the whole time but at the same time I want to maintain a happy household for my other kids and I don't want to push away my partner. Am I in the wrong? Should I be more harsh on my son? Or Should I defend him more? I feel so stuck and don't know how to resolve the issue. I cannot see a way out of it.

No. No child is better off without their mother, essentially.

I'm sure you're a good mother. It's your partner who needs to go. It's your partner who your son would be better off without.

He could be acting out precisely because of this man in his life? Have you spoken to him about it?

I would honestly ditch your partner and get a connection back with your son. Make that your priority. You won't regret doing that but I guarantee you will regret essentially losing your son and ending up with the man who is the reason why. The resentment will eat your relationship up and you will be left with neither.

This. My husband has an expensive (electric) bike, and he would be upset if the kids' bikes damaged it, so he keeps it under a protective cover.

Kids that age are often quite clumsy and the damage was unintentional. I get the impression, though, that it wouldn't matter what your son had done, your partner just wanted to stop him from having something nice (the PC). It's very telling that his own son would not be treated this way. He isn't a good man, and he shouldn't be sharing a home with your son (to be clear, the man needs to go, not the boy!).

Like fuck would I make a child 'pay' for the damage. Tell him to claim on insurance and piss off.

I have other children with him so it's not about me or what I want at all. He never says these things to my sons face just makes comments to me.

He wants you to do the dirty work and be the bad guy, that's why.

And the fact you have joint children makes it worse. Your son will soon feel that he's the outsider here.

Why are you with this horrible man? One rule for his son and another rule for yours? Id chose my son every time. Your son is your child. Your partner sounds abusive. Id let him go. Sex is overrated, your sons happiness comes first

Your son sounds like a completely normal boy just trying to find his way in the world.

If I’ve got this right your dp is somewhat of a Disney dad to his own son from another relationship. He treats the children you have together ok? But the son you have from a previous relationship has become the target of his spite and childishness

I don’t think I could feel the same way about a man who was picking on my child, and making him unhappy. Please don’t let him come between you and your son.

I think your partner moaning about your son is more important than the bike thing, because that's a one off rather than an everyday thing. It sounds like your son is just being a normal teen - your partner needs to lay off him.

First I want to say our sons are twins The way you describe him is EXACTLY mine. Hang in there.

I think the issue is with DP I'm afraid. Where you mention his own sons treatment and that's starkly different to yours doesn't sit well. Your boy is a teen...it's a normal phase for so many. Other boys may be less grumpy and taught differently so it's a spectrum of behaviour; but underneath that all they are still kids with feelings they don't quite understand. You need to fight his corner x

Sounds like this you two need to communicate more on parenting your blended family in a way that all the kids in your house feel safe and supported. I love how on mumsnet if you reversed some of the story the advice would be the polar opposite. If you were complaining about his son eating too much, it would all be ‘kick out the spongers’ lalala. Christ! You’ve been together 9 years, so def something here about why you are arguing over something fairly trivial - it’s a bike.

Maybe have a look at the role of a scapegoat in a family OP? The child that's always blamed by an adult (and then the rest of the family) when things go wrong.
Only you know the extent of your partner's poor treatment of your son but from everything you've said it sounds as if your son is being treated differently from the other children by him. He doesn't like him.

Your partner likely doesn't love your son and abides him for you. He may never. Based on what you've said and generally speaking son over partner every time

It's important to involve him in parenting on the things you agree with DP on and challenge your partner on the things you do not.

You're your sons parent. When the bike incident happened it was your decision wether to discipline and how. Partner can suggest but it's not his call. You need to decide wether son is paying for damage or not. The pc is irrelevant. It sounds like he is unfair on your son if that's the case I'd question wether you should be with him.

Pay for repairing the sratch as your DPs christmas gift from you. Tell him your son is wonderful. He's just being a normal teen. Make sure your son gets as much time and attention, and leeway from you as your DP gives his own son. If his son damages anything get the money to replace it from DP.
That should make it fair for the kids.

OP, you are surrounded by people who are passive aggressive and you are caught in the middle of them all.

You Mum had no right to buy an expensive item she couldn't afford to 'help' your brother, 'gift' it to your son and make you feel obligated to pay for it.

Your DP has no right to bear a grudge about damage to his bike. He should have dealt with it at the time.

They are both grown adults. You are not responsible for their problems. They shouldn't expect you to sort things out for them.

There have been numerous stories in the news over the years, that seem to highlight abusive behaviour shown by some men to kids who aren't blood related. There have been threads on here discussing them. The DM's who allow it to happen are quite rightly torn to shreds for not sticking up for their kids, instead wringing their hands wondering how to deal with a supposedly mature adult's treatment of a child who is treated as less than step siblings and half siblings.
You can blame teenage hormones on your DS's behaviour all you like, but I'll bet my house there's more going on in his brain than that.
Shame on you.

Your partner sounds controlling and has far to many opinions (thinks he eats too much)
no wonder your son is staying in his room.
Your son needs backing up and support, the bike scratch was an accident, he needs to get over it, when an apology is given that is the end.
Although you shouldn’t be in a situation when you have to defend your son to your partner…

he is being ridiculous if he was unbothered about the bike until he knew your son was getting a PC. If he felt your son should pay for bike damage he should of brought it up at the time..as if a 13 year old is going to offer to pay for accidental damage - did your husband even get the bike repaired? If not how are you even meant to know that’s an option for a few scratches on a pushbike frame

Yet another resentful man trying to drive a wedge.

Do not stand for this OP.

To want SD’s to share a room? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4669094-to-want-sds-to-share-a-room

The bike and the pc are two different things. Your dp can't suddenly start to complaining about his bike, that's over and done with, the pc shouldn't come into it at all.

Your ds sounds like a typical teenager tbh and your dp sounds like a teenager too. He's the adult and needs to act like one. The race bike is unfortunate and if he wanted your ds to pay towards the damage he should have discussed it at the time

Wow. I know some .others who speak like this..

I was so bad you'd be better off if I was dead..

It's toxic and if you act like this when he calls you out don't come crying here when you're cut out of his life.

You lost me at "racing bike"...
No way would I be near someone with one of those.

Are your other children your partner's biological children? Does he treat them differently? It's already clear that he treats his 17-year-old DS differently to the way he behaves with your son.

If your DS is the one who bears the brunt of your partner's complaints and disapproval, I feel very sorry for him. What a lonely and discouraging place that must be for him.

I wouldn't insist that your DS pay for scratching the bike, especially considering the double standards WRT DP's other son. Also, does your DS actually want the computer? If it's a gift, why should he pay for it?

Take it from me; I'm damaged from years of my mum siding with her partner over me.
Tell that man to fuck off.

Lol, throwing a pity party to make it look like you’re the victim, when it’s your son that’s been, and is being, forced to live in this environment.

He never says these things to my sons face just makes comments to me

@Gemma7899 you’re kidding yourself if you’re trying to say that your son doesn’t know how your partner feels about him. You’re allowing your partner to bully your son in his own home. Shameful.