Stuck between son and partner

[Gemma7899]

Hello. I need to know if IABU, I feel so stuck in the middle and cannot see clearly. I'm sorry it's a bit of a long backstory.

My ds is 13 and has entered a real teenager phase. He rarely helps out unless asked several times, is 80% of the time in his room and being grumpy, doesn't think properly about anything like his head is in the clouds.

My partner of 9 years gets on at him a bit saying he doesn't help enough he should do this he should do that. He shouldnt eat upstairs, he showers too long, he eats too much all of this kind of stuff.
In between all of this he is great he helps him with his bike and they watch football together and more. My ds doesn't see his real dad very much.

We've had an incident where my ds hasn't put his bike away in the shed very well and has scratched my partners racing bike.
At the time he was very calm about it and taked him through how to do put it away nicely ect. I felt awful for both of them, my son because he's done yet another thing wrong and for my partner as his expensive bike has been scratched but I thought he was being calm and understanding about it and put it down to an accident and all was forgotten.

I was wrong. A few weeks later my mum had brought my son a pc (off of my brother to help him out financially) and we talked together about how he can work the money off so he feels like he's earnt it and not just been given a pc. (I want to teach him the value of money and that you have to work hard to get what you want) however my partner has flipped out about it saying he's been waiting for my son to offer to pay for his damaged bike or to do some jobs to pay off for the damage. He's so cross that he's getting to 'buy' and pc but not payed for the damaged bike.
I've suggested my son doesn't get the pc until he's paid or worked off the bike damage but my parter doesnt want to look like the bad guy.
He's said he can wait til after Christmas then make him pay it off but I don't think this is fair. I'd rather resolve the problem now.

I feel like he begrudges my son of having anything good but at the same time I know my son needs to pull his finger out!

My partner has a son aged 17 and if he damaged something no questions would be asked. He gets anything he askes for and does nothing to help or to earn money (he doesn't live with us)

We've had massive arguments about it and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or doing the right thing. I am terrified of pushing my son away and getting on at him the whole time but at the same time I want to maintain a happy household for my other kids and I don't want to push away my partner. Am I in the wrong? Should I be more harsh on my son? Or Should I defend him more? I feel so stuck and don't know how to resolve the issue. I cannot see a way out of it.

I should add to my post I wouldn’t expect the son to pay for the whole cost of a repair for a racing bike but maybe your DP could have said you need to help me wash the car/do the garden or whatever for a few weeks. But I do think there should be some consequence for his carelessness damaging property.

the fact your partner sounds otherwise vile is another issue

I think this is going to result in you losing either your son or your partner.

He can't even suggest something he wouldn't do to his own son.

He doesn't get to be a parent to your child.

Why is he earning a gift? He didn't even ask for a PC by the sounds of it.

Most 13-year-olds are way worse than this, Puck your battles is the only way to go.

Sorry there is a double standard going on here with your partner being a Disney dad with his own son and then laying down the law with your son! It’s not really fair isn’t.

Thats the only thing troubling you in this. Not your partners behaviour towards your child? What a poor mother you are

Let me get this straight.

Your mum has kindly bought your son a PC.
Your partner has decided that it's up to him to interfere in that happy arrangement, because he wants to be a passive-aggressive bitch about an accidental bike scratch.

Your partner was not grown up enough to resolve the bike scratch incident or suggest some form of recompense or consequence to DS. But - weeks later - he is now claiming that DS should have been a mindreader & offered him moeny for the bike scratch. But he still won't be direct & upfront about it - he just wants to moan on at you & make you feel bad.

In between all of this he is great he helps him with his bike and they watch football together and more. My ds doesn't see his real dad very much.
I wish women would stop gilding men in laurels for just base-level decency.
This isn't "great" it's standard adulting.

My partner of 9 years gets on at him a bit saying he doesn't help enough he should do this he should do that. He shouldnt eat upstairs, he showers too long, he eats too much all of this kind of stuff.
& you've allowed DS to suffer this constant stream of verbal abuse for how many of those 9 years? Small wonder he is cast in the role of the child who done yet another thing wrong. If I had to live with that barrage of criticism in my own home, I'd get clumsy & make mistakes too. It must be horrible for the poor lad - always waiting for the next bit of badmouthing.

? Should I be more harsh on my son? Or Should I defend him more? I feel so stuck and don't know how to resolve the issue. I cannot see a way out of it.
WHAT?

Your son has done nothing wrong. He is 13 years old & still learning about life.
And you are actively considering being HARSH on him? What for?
You cannot see a way out of it because you have become so accustomed to pandering to your partner's bullying & accepting His Mighty Word that you can't imagine being a person in your right any more. A person who sticks up for her son, a person who tells her partner to stop criticising & bitching at her son.

Stand up for your son, & yourself. Tell your partner that he either reins in his nastiness to your boy, or fucks off. Here's another thing - when he bitches at/about your son, it is a dominance display. He is undermining you, your parenting, & your importance in the relationship. He might as well stand bare-chested in the living room making Tarzan noises - it's that blatant. Please see this for what it is & put a stop to it. If he won't stop - ditch him.

YABU. It sounds like your partner is treating your son like a 2nd rate citizen compared to his own son.

And it is not just nit picking. Saying that he eats too much? That is not ok. Most teenage boys are bottomless pits and being constantly criticized for how much you eat can have very serious consequences for some people.

Exactly, @mathanxiety !

This is what I meant by dominance display just upthread.

Well not only that no. But thanks I am a terrible mother he'd be better off without me.

This!

Your partner is a prick.

Your partner’s bike was in a shed used by others, if he was so previous about his bike that he didn’t want it scratched, he should have a protective cover over it. These things happen.

Well you do need to do some serious thinking about your parenting style that’s for sure. No twat would ever be able to trump my loyalty to my son.

But thanks I am a terrible mother he'd be better off without me

Oh don't be so silly. We are all saying he would be better off if you got rid of the dickhead bullying your son.

Do you love your partner/ his dick more than your son? It sounds like you do.

I have other children with him so it's not about me or what I want at all. He never says these things to my sons face just makes comments to me.

Your partner is acting like a child. He's had the opportunity to discuss paying for the damage (which I wouldn't agree with anyway). It's like he resents your son.

Tbh if you ever have to ask yourself partner or son I think you're with the wrong person.

The "D"P would have been out the door long before it got to this point tbh.

JFC you had children with the man that is bullying your son?

I have other children with him so it's not about me or what I want at all

So not only does your sons well-being rank lower down than your partner's and yours, but also his siblings?

you need to stick up for your son of course - he is doing very normal teenage boy behaviour and accidents happen to us all - I’m sure he didn’t intentionally scratch the bike. You can’t punish him for accident and tbh the different standards between your son and your partners son sound very worrying and you son is bound to pick this up too. Stop pandering to your partner who sounds pretty immature tbh and have your sons back!

This

He never says these things to my sons face just makes comments to me.

Oh yeah?
And your son never overhears? Never picks up on the atmosphere, can't read body language?
DC usually know more about what's going on than you might imagine.

Well not only that no. But thanks I am a terrible mother he'd be better off without me.

Well I didn't say if but if you're allowing your partner to treat your son like that, he may well be better of without you.

Too much stuff in the shed if your son can’t get his bike in , it was an accident and he shouldn’t be made to pay for it , let him enjoy his of that was a gift and tell your husband to piss off , obviously he doesn’t remember being a hungry , stinky slightly moody teenager

So your son does sound like he needs to be encouraged to do more around the house, but that's typical for a teenager.

What I don't understand is why your mum bought (assume that's what you meant rather than brought?) a PC off her own son to give to yours, why didn't his uncle just give it to his nephew as a present?

Why are you then expecting your son to pay off a gift - that doesn't teach the value of money, it teaches him that the world is all about money and there is no such thing as a gift or kindness.

Lastly, what is your partner on about? Accidents happen all the time, especially with kids. Yes it's frustrating when your things are broken but you accept it as part of their learning. Again expecting a child to 'pay off' damage teaches the wrong values, rather than accepting people make mistakes (all the time) and forgiveness which we need more of in this world.