DD has a very possessive unhealthy friendship with girl at school

[TakeAShowerTakeAShower]

DD6 has in recent months made friends with another girl in her class who has unfortunately become extremely possessive of her - she initially would cry and make a fuss if DD played with another child, and would pressure DD to make promises to play with her instead. This has now progressed to forbidding DD to play with others and physically taking her by the arm and pulling her away from other children. DD has said how she is upset at not being allowed to play with other friends, and how she tries to tell this girl she would like to play with others but the girl basically harasses her into submission by literally following her around the playground and whining until she gives in. DD has suggested they all play together and the girl refuses and says she only wants DD to play with her (sounds reasonable!)
I have broached this with DD’s teachers who haven’t taken it seriously at all. Do i approach this girls parents? I have never actually met them but I have their contact details from the class WhatsApp group. Meanwhile how do I support DD? I have reiterated over and over again how she is allowed to play with whoever she wants and I have had a couple of other friends from her class round to our house to play during half term. Would really appreciate advice from anyone who has been in a similar position with their child! Thanks!

She needs to ignore the whining and play with other children. I realise that is difficult at 6 though ! Can you organise a play date at home with some of the others, maybe one on one , to help cement other friendships and give her the confidence to say no to the domineering child ?

We have this on the playground a lot. As I’m on duty every day, I always ask the child who is being forced what they want to do - and they go off and play with whoever they want. Then I ask the child who is doing the forcing to try playing with different children or play on the monkey bars etc.

To be honest, the TAs are the ones who will probably be the ones who see them most at play times. Tell the teacher you’re concerned and if they can give you feedback regarding their child at playtime/lunch time. Speak to Headteacher if teacher isn’t taking it seriously.

Don't approach the parent. We have this from time to time working in a school and normally it's noticed and nipped in the bud long before a parent has to ask. I'd approach the school again and if the teacher doesn't take it seriously then go to SLT

I agree you need to push harder with the school. Not letting your daughter play with who she wants is bullying. Quote their anti bullying policy

Thanks for your replies. I have flagged it to the class teacher twice now who’s response was to tell me DD is a sociable girl who has lots of friends in the class and they would keep an eye on things. They don’t appear to have actually done anything - DD reports daily how she’s pestered into spending every break time with this girl and that any time she talks to another friend, this girl appears and ushers DD away. She doesn’t listen to DD trying to say no.DD is quite a shy girl who is easily intimidated. I have coached her and coached her on how to respond and to ask a teacher for help but this isn’t happening and the situation continues week after week.

Definitely don't approach the parents - talk to the school again, and if the teacher isn't dealing with it ask to speak with someone else. It sounds like they are mistaking your daughter's compliance for friendship, and she isn't making her feelings known.

You also need to work with your daughter so she feels able to say no to the little girl, and refuse to be controlled by her. This is not unusual and when forms were split in my son's school plenty of parents wanted controlling friendships broken up.

Speak to the head teacher then. Explain you've told dd to approach the teacher but she's too shy. Let her know you've approached the teacher twice and nothing has changed

Without sounding rude is your daughter as flimsy with these things as you are being with the teacher? Stop flip flapping about and be more forceful yourself. Don't tell us the school don't seem to be doing anything about it. Tell them. And make them listen to your concerns. Clearly you are not being forward enough is they are just brushing it off.

i have informed her teacher, and quoted the school bullying policy but yet to hear back (this was last week). If they continue to be ineffective and things don’t improve, what is my next step? Complain to the board of governors? Also realistically what will the teachers actually do in this situation - is it unrealistic to say I want this girl kept away from DD? (It is a small school). This is my first experience of anything like this and guidance would be appreciated! Thanks

As in how do I “MAKE them listen”???

Your next step is the Head or other SLT as I and another poster have already said. There's plenty they can do and as a pp stated probably a TA who will mostly deal with that however teacher can do whole class talks, change tables/groups , watch at choosing time etc

*Without sounding rude is your daughter as flimsy with these things as you"

The girl is 6 years old! She probably doesn't know how to tie her shoelaces, let alone deal with a tricky social situation. Totally normal.

You need to call school office and say it’s important you speak to the headteacher. Then tell the HT exactly what’s happened. Tell her you want communication about what is happening at lunch and break. Explain to them that DD doesn’t want to play with X but is too shy/timid to say no. And explain X doesn’t allow DD to play with others.

Once HT speaks to Teacher then hopefully action will be taken. Say you want update in a couple of days.

I know in my school - TAs have to physically keep an eye on kids involved and log everything so it’s shown to parents. We even ask children how they are feeling every break/lunch to monitor situation.

The problem is that if your dd appears to be happily playing with the other girl, then asking them to keep her away from your child is a bit much.
Better to ask them to encourage more communal play, and for whoever supervises at playtime to ensure that your dd isn’t being monopolised.
Your dd needs to say a firm and loud NO, so practise this at home, and tell her to walk away and go to a teacher if she feels harassed. Her going along with what the other girl wants will just perpetuate the behaviour.

We had this with DD1 when she was 6. Teachers helped by moving the kids about in class and ensuring TAs kept an eye in the playground. I also had to coach DD into saying No and asking the girl to play in a group. The inevitable happened, girl complained DD wouldn't play with her but thankfully TAs dealt with it really well. I also did play dates with other friends as well as the girl in question a couple of times. DD1 actually really liked her, but didn't want to play with her on her own.

Anyway, they are all teenagers now, have done primary school and go to different secondary schools. I often bump into the mum of the girl and she complains about her being anti-social and never wanting to do things with friends. So sad.

The problem is that if your dd appears to be happily playing with the other girl, then asking them to keep her away from your child is a bit much.

Yes we frequently get this too where a parent will say this then the dc chooses to actually play with the child that the parent wants kept away from them. Just needs some close supervision and for staff to timed the dc to come and say if there is a problem

This is typical primary behaviour as they all learn social skills etc.
Never approach the parents, they of course will have heard their dd's version of events anyway.
All you can do is carry on reassuring your dd to ask TAs to help if she's struggling. Maybe have a friend or 2 over to play at your house and have tea to help her develop other friendships.

Thankyou for your replies, yes I have arranged for DD to have friends over to our house during half term and we role play on a daily basis how to say no to this girl/remind her she must tell a teacher if she’s unhappy with something - nothing has improved things. I am so worried about DD having such a compliant nature, and furious at this girl’s behaviour and that the school don’t appear to have done anything to help.

Just to give another perspective on this. I saw a lot of this scenario as a Y1 teacher:

50% of the time the girls appear to be playing happily together.

25% of the time A doesn't want to play with B.

25% of the time B doesn't want to play with A.

Parents hear about one or other of the 25%s and assume this is 100% of the story, because children don't report on the good.

Teachers are confused as they are hearing the same story from both parents yet the children appear to be happy together so much of the time.

The situation usually arises because one child is ready to move on developmentally and play more complex group games, and the other isn't. This happens gradually, so at first the more mature child still enjoys the old games and so you see the happy 50% of the time. This becomes harder to keep up with though and inevitable the gap widens and becomes frustrating for both.

I'm not saying at all this is what's happening here but a lot of Y1 is shot through with some children maturing out of their friendships faster than others, and this can be upsetting and hard to handle for the child who can't understand why their old friend is rejecting them.

DD is a friendly girl who has historically made friends easily. She is too eager to please and uncomfortable asserting herself which we are aware of and trying our best to help her with. This obviously makes her an easy target for a domineering child. I think she initially played with the other girl happily as she would with any child, not because they share any particular special friendship, but the other girl quickly became possessive and has been allowed to become more and more aggressive in her dominating of DD. I am really upset, as well as angry. Will the school in your experience inform this girls parents of her behaviour? I’m hoping if aware they would encourage alternative friendships for her and tell her to leave DD alone

'I am so worried about DD having such a compliant nature, and furious at this girl’s behaviour and that the school don’t appear to have done anything to help.'

It may be because they see it every single day and know it isn't anything to worry about. 6yr olds are notorious for this, possessiveness one day then a different bff the next. The staff will be experienced enough to intervene if boundaries are crossed and any unpleasant behaviour starts. Just carry on encouraging your dd and supporting her.

I know how you feel, we had similar when one of ours was that age. I too wanted it sorting but honestly it'll blow over and as I say the staff will intervene if they see issues in the playground.

I've been there, so I get you're upset. But being furious with the girl in question isn't going to help. They're 6 for goodness sake. Nor is being angry at the school - they may be doing things you're not aware of - you need to have another measured discussion with them.

The bit of this you have some control of is supporting your own DD in being more resilient and able to navigate friendships. It's hard at 6, they are all just learning.

Take a deep breath. You're doing all the right things by arranging play dates and supporting your DD.

I think I was the Mum of the other girl in this situation, although I didn't realise it at the time as it was never raised by teachers or TAs. I think that it some cases, it does make sense to talk to the parent of the other child, maybe via the school.

My daughter was extremely shy through primary school (she's 15 now) and struggled with friendship dynamics. I think she sometimes ended up seeming possessive over children who did play with her, and she worried that another child was no longer her friend if they played with other people.

I only realised when she was about to go to secondary. While still in year 6, she and her best friend found out they would be in the same class, and both girls seemed really happy and enjoyed the transition day together. A few days later, the other girl told my daughter that her parents had moved her to a different class as they felt my daughter was too possessive. In this case, I wish I could have had a heads up from the other parent rather than hearing that there was a problem from my very distressed daughter. I do understand why they moved their daughter to a different class, but wish it had been done in way that didn't hurt my daughter quite as much.

Safeguarding issue

emotional peer on peer abuse report it for what it is

We had similar with my daughter, although she was slightly older. I encouraged her to break off the friendship. It was really tough for a few months but she was a lot happier when she managed to break away and play with a new group.