DD has a very possessive unhealthy friendship with girl at school

[TakeAShowerTakeAShower]

DD6 has in recent months made friends with another girl in her class who has unfortunately become extremely possessive of her - she initially would cry and make a fuss if DD played with another child, and would pressure DD to make promises to play with her instead. This has now progressed to forbidding DD to play with others and physically taking her by the arm and pulling her away from other children. DD has said how she is upset at not being allowed to play with other friends, and how she tries to tell this girl she would like to play with others but the girl basically harasses her into submission by literally following her around the playground and whining until she gives in. DD has suggested they all play together and the girl refuses and says she only wants DD to play with her (sounds reasonable!)
I have broached this with DD’s teachers who haven’t taken it seriously at all. Do i approach this girls parents? I have never actually met them but I have their contact details from the class WhatsApp group. Meanwhile how do I support DD? I have reiterated over and over again how she is allowed to play with whoever she wants and I have had a couple of other friends from her class round to our house to play during half term. Would really appreciate advice from anyone who has been in a similar position with their child! Thanks!

I wouldn’t say it was a safeguarding issue by any stretch of the imagination, nor would I call it emotional abuse. It is 6yr olds learning how to play and develop their social skills. The op has told the staff about it, I'm sure they'll be keeping an eye.

Emotional peer on peer abuse!? Really? They’re 6, not 16 ffs!

How to make sure you're a joke in the staff room....

They're six years old. It's a social-emotional issue not abuse FFS.

I agree with what @Barbie222 has posted and this matches my own experiences at school, we really do see a different side to DC than the one their parents see.

Raise it again with the teacher but from the POV of supporting your DD to be more confident/assertive in saying no. Ask if whoever is on playground duty and the lunchtime staff can be made aware so that they can check in with both girls and redirected as needed.

Also, please don’t forget, your DD is 6.

At this age I’m really surprised at the amount of detail your DD remembers about this friend, and that you’re taking everything she tells you as gospel.

Agree with pp, the teacher will most probably see an entirely different picture than what you imagine.

and a huge NO to approaching the other parents.

If you do, you will forever look back and wince!

Will the school in your experience inform this girls parents of her behaviour?

They might do, but not in the sense you possibly mean, where they characterise the other girl as domineering and aggressive and "wrong", by contrast with your daughter, the victim, whose behaviour does not contribute to the dynamic.

They might suggest to the other parents that their daughter lacks confidence to play with a range of children, and this is making her cling to preferred friends, and exclude others, and let the parents know the staff are encouraging her to widen her friendship group.

I think you need to remember this other little girl is six too - she is not some skilled manipulator. She is struggling with social interactions, just as your six year old daughter is.

You have to be a very squeaky wheel to make the message get through. This is probably happening at break or lunchtime when the playground is either being supervised by a couple of teachers/TAs from other classes who have their minds on other things they could be doing, or lunchtime supervisors. They may have no idea that there is a problem. I’d email the head and the teacher if you can, outline the issues clearly and insist that it is brought to the attention of all the playground staff because your daughter needs their support.

I’m currently going through the exact same thing with my DD who is 6 too.

it’s hard as she loves playing with the friend and they have fun together but it’s not working in a group situation. The friend gets my DD alone or tells her that other people aren’t fun to play with.

the teacher told us they are aware of it and they are encouraging other friendships.

we’ve told DD that if friend does something she doesn’t like, then she just needs to say no and walk off. If friend follows then tell an adult.

its so hard though as they are so young and don’t have the social skills developed yet

id say in your situation the teacher needs to do more!

Push harder with school, don't go to her parents. The school should be involving her parents.

If you've got nowhere with teachers, go to the head.

I've had this with DD (who is now 10) who was refusing to go to school over it. We had success with explaining to DD (yours might be too young?) that a real friend wouldn't make you so unhappy etc.
Used the example of the friend who she want to play with not kicking up a stink because possessive child (PC) demanded DD play with her.

Gave her a few lines to say, "No, I'm playing with A today. We're playing this if you want to join in" so it's PC's choice not to join in and DD couldn't be accused of excluding her. Explaining she couldn't say "I don't want to play with you" or "you're not allowed to play with us" etc. Assuring DD that if PC went crying to the teacher, I'd have her back.

Definitely agree with inviting some other girls over one by one for a few weeks so she can cement some other friendships.

I also spoke to DD's friends mum and explained what was happening in case friend was upset DD was always playing with PC.

I've had this recently with a high school child. The home link person spoke to the child and his parents for me.

This child might only be young but this is narcissistic behaviour and will not improve. Yes, girls fall out and remake friends all the time but this sounds a bit full on.

Encourage your DD to make other friends and encourage those friendships as much as you can.

Go back to the teacher and ask her / him to speak to the other child about this. You also need to teach your dd some things to say. It is very common for children to try and keep a friend to themselves. However, it isn't healthy and needs to be dealt with kindly but firmly.

Ignore ThingsIhavelearnt.

Children need to learn the art of friendships. It is very common for kids to struggle with this. I have year 6 girls who find this difficult!

Ah we have this exact situation at the moment. A girl who is no longer at school with our oldest but tells her when they speak that she cries all the time now they aren’t together and that she would sooner die than have another best friend, they should be together all the time and that we the parents can’t keep them apart.

I find it quite troubling and whilst I like the parents I too find them possessive of us. Tbh i also don’t approve of some of the business dealings of the dad. He is one of those who is always after a quick buck and will try to embroil you in his schemes (some of which aren’t always entirely kosher).

I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to sit on our DD too much but she becomes bolshy, manic and much harder to get focused (especially with her mild SEN) when they have been in contact.

Are you certain events unfold exactly as your dd reports?

I only ask because I teach and have had this happen several times over the years.

Often, the child complaining about being forced to play with someone appears to be quite happy when on the playground even when asked. It is hard to separate them when they are both saying that they want to play with each other.

Another thing that has happened in the past is the child says they 'spent the whole playtime' with the unwanted child when actually it was 2-3 minutes before others joined them or one of them drifted away.

Hi, thanks for your replies. When DD had friends from school come to our house during half term the other girls openly spoke about this girl stopping them playing with her. They described how she follows DD around the playground and won’t give up until DD stops what she’s doing and plays with her and how she has literally frogmarched DD off away from them.
DD needs to get much better at making a fuss. She is very much one for masking her feelings publicly (out of fear of embarrassment I think) but will say at home how she is unhappy at so and so’s behaviour.

There will be a complaints policy on the school website - follow that.

As others have mentioned, this is possibly a social skills thing. My daughter was the other girl in this situation. She had a best friend she didn't want to share. It got to a head and the friend broke away from my daughter, utterly breaking her heart. I wish that someone had spoken to me about the situation before it got too much for the other girl so I could have coached my daughter through the situation. She loved her friend to bits and only wanted to spend time with her but the other girl was a sociable and lovely girl who wanted to play with lots of people. It got so much for her that she just didn't want to be my daughter's friend anymore.
Years later and we're exploring an ASD diagnosis for my daughter. She's an amazing young lady (nearly 18) but definitely struggles with social skills, amongst other things.
If I was the other girl's parents I think I'd want to know about it but maybe it's best that it's dealt with through the school.

That sounds like an odd conversation the children had during the play date. How did you manage that conversation about a child who wasn't present tactfully OP? If there wasn't already a narrative among the girls that the other girl is wholly to blame in this situation and needs to be avoided, there certainly will be now.

If there wasn't already a narrative among the girls that the other girl is wholly to blame in this situation and needs to be avoided, there certainly will be now.

I agree. I wouldn't have been encouraging this at all.

@Barbie222 The girls were talking about a game they have always played together and literally unprompted said “but we don’t get to play 123 any more because Child 123 doesn’t let you play with anyone but her!” They then said “you shouldn’t let her pull you away if you talk to other people, that’s not kind”
there isn’t a narrative being imposed, it’s actually happening

I had this when my child was little. A friend started at their primary school and became very possessive. In the end, I spoke to the teacher and asked that they be kept apart in class, and an eye kept on them at lunchtimes. I also stressed to my child that they could play with anyone they wanted.

I also instigated a series of play dates with other children after school. While it might feel a bit mean for the possessive child to see your DD going off after school with others, it will help reinforce the point that she has other friends. It will also highlight to the other child’s parent that the child needs help broadening her social circle.

In our case, it worked. The possessive child found another friend, remained friends with my child but not as close.

If there's physical pulling away from children going on that's probably the best place for the teacher to start, as the message 'no pulling' is easier for immature children to understand than 'don't talk to X or interrupt X if she is already playing with Y and Z. Also easier to spot / report on and unambiguous. If the other friend did not touch your DD presumably the whole group would be able to move away and play?

I hope it gets sorted and do understand how this can be difficult on both sides. Just trying to say that it's not always easy to have a full sense of what the playtimes look like, and how children will readily absorb an adults interpretation of the situation.

Tell her to say her mom said she is not allowed to play with Dfriend anymore.

It'll take the pressure off her.

If the little girl is hurt, she'll learn how she cannot control friends.

Speak to the teacher.

My DS had to be taught that he cannot control other DC.

It was tough but necessary.

He isn't perfect yet but understands personal space a bit better.