Children - wasn’t meant to be

[Stressedandtonic]

Kids aren’t on the cards for me & DH due to medical condition/ circumstance does anyone have any witty put downs I can use when asked for the millionth time variants of ?when are you getting pregnant ? AIBU to be fed up of insensitive people constantly overstepping ? Have tried the standard MYOB but it just gets backs up

It took us years to have our daughter and I started saying ‘oh we’d love to, but unfortunately it isn’t happening for us at the moment’ - with tone adjusted for who was asking! I’d also say, this was so hurtful and painful to be asked but I also think sometimes people are just making conversation and if they haven’t been through infertility they don’t realise how hurtful it can be. Sending you loads of love x

I don’t understand how anyone who has children could NOT understand how painful it would be to not be able to have them.

It’s not asking if you have kids. It’s people asking WHEN you’re going to have kids as they know you don’t have any.

After my first I got asked if I wanted more. My response was after losing 4 other babies I'm grateful for 1. They quickly shut the fuck up

I'm sorry for your losses, but asking if you'd like more is not particularly intrusive? I do get the sentiment behind this thread - I had 5 years of infertility and 2 rounds of ICSI - but sometimes people are just making small talk and don't need their heads bitten off.

It’s not asking if you have kids. It’s people asking WHEN you’re going to have kids as they know you don’t have any

Agree with this

Personally I’d just say “we can’t” and “I don’t really want to talk about it.” It’s more likely to shut them up forever and there should be nothing shameful about it.

I sort of get this but I still think people shouldn’t ask. Unfortunately I’ve done this in the past. Saying oh would you like more generally? And I regretted it because for all I know she was trying already and it was hard.

Ive had most people not ask me actually which I am incredible grateful for. There are two that do and they say “would you like another?” “Yes I would actually, oh well we’ll see” and then change the subject. Most people get the hint but this one person has asked a few times “when would you like another?” And last time she asked I said “soon would be nice.” If she asks again I’ll just tell her! But I still have hope some months whereas if I knew it was a definite no go Im not sure what I’d say.

I think it’s so inappropriate that people ask. I’d discuss with a close friend in mutual conversation but I’d never dream of asking someone. Depends on the scenario but maybe be honest that it’s a medical decision?

Insensitive people ask insensitive questions whatever your life circumstances are. I’m overweight, especially around my stomach, and constantly been asked if I’m pregnant. I’m asked if I’m going to move because we live in a small property and children have to share a room. I was asked if I’m ever going to work again when I was SAHM through life circumstances and couldn’t come back, even though I wanted to work. I’m asked if children are suffering through lack of attention now that I work long hours. I’m also a foreigner, so… It’s just for a starter. Some of the questions hurt me a lot and I realised that I have two choices, reply back with a witty and sarcastic way or just let it go and say “no I’m not pregnant”, “we are fine where we are”, etc. To be honest, the best way is to creat a shield and decide once and for all, that people can’t hurt you. Their words mean nothing. What I would say is “I can’t have children. I would appreciate if you don’t ask again”.

I just say “I can’t have them”. That usually leads to the reply “oh I’m sorry”

and that’s that

I would just say "I'd rather keep my business to myself if that's ok".
I never get asked, but think this line is perfect as it's neutral and doesn't give anything away.

We go with 'we /I love kids but can't eat a whole one'

'Mind your own business' is a perfect reply imo, as you can say it with a cheery grin if you want to soften the blow. But if you don't want to say that then I'd go with "I'm not" (stern face) and then if they ask why, "because I said so." And repeat ad infinitum.

People often ask intrusive questions about having kids, it really pisses me off! When I get asked if I'm having any more kids, I'm honest that I can't, I would've loved more but it's not possible. Embarrass them with the truth.

After my first I got asked if I wanted more. My response was after losing 4 other babies I'm grateful for 1. They quickly shut the fuck up

"I'm sorry for your losses, but asking if you'd like more is not particularly intrusive?"

It is intrusive.
Our friends have one child only, conceived in their late 30s after years of IVF which cost them about £10k.
What's the point of asking if they want any more? The odds are so stacked against them, and that might be a source of huge emotional pain.

Omg that’s heartless! That would invoke a fuck right off response.

@Stressedandtonic you’re going to have to be a little harsh to shut people down sadly. People these days have no manners, no filter and not much nous. There are some good responses here.

I’m a firm believer in making the asker of intrusive questions as uncomfortable as possible. People need to stop sticking their noses and opinions into women‘s reproductive systems, choices and in plenty of cases, lack of choices.

A friend of mine used to say "oh, we're really into anal at the moment so no time soon". Was SO effective the one time I used it 😆

I never ask anyone about family plans unless they bring it up. Even then I let them share rather than ask. It's so insensitive.

I used to answer with 'it's not happening for us at this time.' That tended to stop the conversation.

I still get asked after 2 kids and now I say 'I can't have anymore' which is true but also kills the conversation.

I’m childfree by choice, have been married 8 years and am 35. I work with children, I’m very good with other folks’ children. The questions and comments are constant.

People love to question me, patronise me and tell me I’ll change my mind, etc. Say it’s a waste, I’ll never know true love, or it’s a shame for my poor mother (who already has 4 grandchildren) and I’m selfish.

I often wonder if they ever consider during their intense questioning that I could be hiding an inability to have children.

People will always ask, it doesn't stop even you do have children, you get, are you having any more? even though I'm single and over 40

I’d never dream of asking friends this question. We’ve got a couple friend who don’t have any children. We’re 90% sure that it’s because they don’t want any but they’re quite private people when it comes to certain subjects. Because of that and because we’re not pricks we’ve never asked. For all we know it could be a really sensitive subject and they may have been trying for ages 🤷‍♀️ We just figure that if they want to discuss it then they will.

'jaffa orange is seedless.......being called a jaffa implies that the dh is infertile'

That's disgusting - them, not you. Good god, some people are such utter dickheads

I would go with some version of 'mind your own business', and tough shit if they don't like it. I think any honest answer like 'we can't have them' will just be met with more pig ignorance about adoption or relaxing or IVF or whatever, and they will still be too thick to realise that they shouldn't be asking these questions in the first place

I'm firmly in the 'never ask about children' camp. If people dont have children, well you may be intruding on a world of pain by asking. If people do have children then don't worry, you'll hear about them soon enough. Find something else to talk about

When we were going through Fertility treatment people loved to tell us we could adopt.

I found a variant on

‘adoption is about finding the right loving supportive home for traumatised children; not about using traumatised children to fix my infertility’

quite effective.

People who told me the nhs shouldn’t fund ivf because I could just adopt got intensely questioned about their adoption experience until they admitted they’d used the nhs for their maternity care and not adopted.

I just went with "why do you think that's something you can ask me?" and a stare. I didn't volunteer info either way because if you give the impression you can't have kids then some "kind soul" will try to tell you how drinking 1/2 cup of picked cabbage with rhubarb daily (or whatever) worked for them.