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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH never comes out with the family.

54 replies

bluebell276 · 05/11/2022 16:21

It's bonfire weekend, my DS1 is autistic and has never liked fireworks, DS2 absolutely loves them. Plan was for me to go to a bonfire with DS2 and DH was staying home with DS1.

However, DS1 has had some new ear defenders and says he wants to come so I suggested we all go but DH is refusing saying it won't be enjoyable so he isn't going.

It's not just tonight, it's any event, pumpkin picking, seeing Santa, days out anywhere really. DS1 can be hard work because of his autism but he isn't that bad, just needs time to adjust and lots of reassurance. It's only hard work when you're trying to juggle them both. I'm more than happy to manage the meltdowns and DH can go off with DS2 and we can catch up when DS1 is ready. But he doesn't, he just hangs around getting annoyed which just makes things harder.

I do everything with them on my own or with family/friends, we never go out together. I got upset that he refused to come tonight and he says he doesn't see the problem as he isn't stopping us from doing what we want. But it's just so much harder when I have them both on my own because DS1 needs time and DS2 just wants to run off and get stuck in.

AIBU to expect him to do these things with us? It isn't about what we want to do, it's about what the kids want to do.

For what it's worth, he's brilliant at home. He does his fair share and it's pretty even, it just makes me sad that he absolutely refuses to leave the house with us.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 05/11/2022 16:28

I would refuse to go anywhere with him. Miserable twat.

Scrambledeggsontoasted · 05/11/2022 16:31

Is DS is autistic, is it likely DH is as well?

Original poster
bluebell276 · 05/11/2022 16:34

Scrambledeggsontoasted · 05/11/2022 16:31

Is DS is autistic, is it likely DH is as well?

Absolutely, without a doubt! I've said it since we met. But completely and utterly in denial, gets angry if I mention it. He just doesn't believe in it, doesn't believe DS1 is autistic either. It's just an excuse for poor behaviour!

OP posts:
Rushingfool · 05/11/2022 16:36

I think it might be that your DH can't actually cope - possibly somewhere on the spectrum himself. It's true that he's not stopping you, and also true that it's disappointing for you that he won't come but I guess you can't force him. Fwiw, my dh never comes anywhere with us either. Not because he can't cope, but because he's just not interested and I've made the mistake of forcing the issue before, only to have him ruin the outing somehow, so now I don't bother asking him. Disappointing for me too, but hey ho.

Original poster
bluebell276 · 05/11/2022 16:40

@Rushingfool it's not he can't cope, he just isn't interested in going.
He can do noise, crowds and the rest when he's out with his friends, just doesn't come out with us.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 05/11/2022 16:40

For what it's worth, he's brilliant at home. He does his fair share and it's pretty even, it just makes me sad that he absolutely refuses to leave the house with us.

It’s not pretty even if he’s not doing anything outside the house, nor if he gets to choose the “half” he does and you have to pick up whatever he isn’t interested in participating in.

I think you need a chat with DH pointing out that trips out with the kids is really an essential part of bringing them up well and it’s not a matter of whether or not he’s “stopping” you going, but a matter of why he isn’t doing his share of the parenting the children need. Especially since trips with just one parent mean that the DC don’t get the support to make it a good trip. You need a talk about what he dislikes about it and whether there are ways to make it more fun for him as well as the rest of you. Ultimately he needs to step up for his kids’ sake and yours but if he, for instance, finds loud noise stressful in unfamiliar places, trips to the fireworks might be off the cards.

It also sounds like maybe he struggles with DS1’s autism in public? If so, a course focusing on strategies that will work when out and about or just you two having a discussion about what you can do next time would help?

NumberTheory · 05/11/2022 16:41

Oh, just seen the update about him thinking DS1 is just badly behaved. That probably makes my suggestions moot.

OohMrBingley · 05/11/2022 16:42

Yeah, it’s only ever men that get to opt out of stuff like this.

Mothers don’t get to.

I’d be angry about this. It’s not about him not stopping you. It’s about you needing him to co-parent with you.

Phineyj · 05/11/2022 16:46

I wouldn't be able to resist. 'Oh DH. We don't have the 'indoor only' kids. We have the indoor and outdoor kind.' And then I'd do a rota. And I'd point out we both go to support each other not because it's necessarily fun.

In 15 minutes DH and I are going out to the fireworks and funfair with DD. Do we want to go? Nope!!

Snugglemonkey · 05/11/2022 16:47

I couldn't be with someone who thinks autism is an excuse for poor behaviour. Especially with an autistic child.

RandomMess · 05/11/2022 16:49

So he is basically opting out of being a parent isn't he?

He can't be arsed to step up and parent them.

TotteringByGenteeley · 05/11/2022 16:50

Scrambledeggsontoasted · 05/11/2022 16:31

Is DS is autistic, is it likely DH is as well?

That was my first thought too.

Original poster
bluebell276 · 05/11/2022 16:59

Snugglemonkey · 05/11/2022 16:47

I couldn't be with someone who thinks autism is an excuse for poor behaviour. Especially with an autistic child.

Yes I am on the very edge of just leaving.

I've made excuses because of his needs but I'm tired of it. If he doesn't want to accept there is an issue then there's nothing left but to leave.

It's very hard keeping him and DS1 on the right level and I don't want to be managing an adult like I do a child. I'd be supportive if he would accept he has some issues and seeks help but as he won't then I really have few options

I thought seeing DS1 go through his diagnosis and hearing professionals agree there are reasons behind is behaviour might help him reflect on his own ways but it hasn't. He just refuses to accept it.

OP posts:
orbitalcrisis · 05/11/2022 17:02

He doesn't get to opt out of parenting! He is an adult so has had plenty of time to learn how to behave and parent. He is setting a terrible example for his children and by dismissing his son as just 'naughty' he is doing him a massive disservice, especially when he won't confront his own bad behaviour.

I'm sorry to say that from my own experience, having a parent like him is extremely damaging to a child's self esteem. You're making excuses for his behaviour due to his obvious autism but he doesn't offer even a little of the same for his son. It might be too late for him to change, but it isn't too late to protect your children from his criticism and disinterest.

RishisProudMum · 05/11/2022 17:12

But it's just so much harder when I have them both on my own because DS1 needs time and DS2 just wants to run off and get stuck in. It isn't about what we want to do, it's about what the kids want to do.

Have you said this to him? If so, what was his response? If not, why not?

NumberTheory · 05/11/2022 17:29

On a practical level, while you get your head together to leave, can you do more 1:1 trips with them and leave the other home with DH. It’s not the same as going out as a family, but it may be better for both of them, and you, if the alternative is a fraught trip.

Original poster
bluebell276 · 05/11/2022 17:29

RishisProudMum · 05/11/2022 17:12

But it's just so much harder when I have them both on my own because DS1 needs time and DS2 just wants to run off and get stuck in. It isn't about what we want to do, it's about what the kids want to do.

Have you said this to him? If so, what was his response? If not, why not?

Hell just say it's my choice to go and I don't have to if it isn't enjoyable

OP posts:
TravellingSpoon · 05/11/2022 17:34

This is so familiar to me, my ExH (although not autistic) would do this to me and our DC's, one of whom has severe ASD.

In the end we did everything without him. I tried not bothering either and the only people who missed out where the kids. In the end we did so much stuff without him and he missed out, and the kids will remember that.

orbitalcrisis · 05/11/2022 17:38

Did he have attentive parents, or where they like him? Ask him how he would have felt if they had done this to him, or whether he thought they enjoyed all the thigs they did for him. Often autistic people genuinely can't put themself in another's shoes until you put it in the right way.

Charley50 · 05/11/2022 17:45

Just another lazy bellend guy who can't be arsed to parent his own kids, and is happy for them and their mum to suffer.

RishisProudMum · 05/11/2022 18:55

bluebell276 · 05/11/2022 17:29

Hell just say it's my choice to go and I don't have to if it isn't enjoyable

Show quote history

Unless he wants the children never to leave the house, that’s not really a logical response. So, say so.

I take it you haven’t had the conversation, then? Why? You’re unhappy, so speak to your husband. Tell him.

Original poster
bluebell276 · 05/11/2022 20:25

@RishisProudMum I've had the conversation countless times. He's too black and white and cannot see anything from any other perspective other than his own.

He's got an older daughter who's 18 now, he says he's done it all before and doesn't want to do it again.

OP posts:
PussInBin20 · 05/11/2022 20:35

So he’s just plain selfish then. Doesn’t sound like he wanted more kids tbh if that’s his attitude.

RishisProudMum · 05/11/2022 20:52

bluebell276 · 05/11/2022 20:25

@RishisProudMum I've had the conversation countless times. He's too black and white and cannot see anything from any other perspective other than his own.

He's got an older daughter who's 18 now, he says he's done it all before and doesn't want to do it again.

Then you leave, I guess. If he’s so selfish that he’s incapable of having a rational conversation, you end it.

Darbs76 · 05/11/2022 20:55

bluebell276 · 05/11/2022 20:25

@RishisProudMum I've had the conversation countless times. He's too black and white and cannot see anything from any other perspective other than his own.

He's got an older daughter who's 18 now, he says he's done it all before and doesn't want to do it again.

Then why did he have 2 more kids then?

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