DH never comes out with the family.

54 replies

bluebell276 · 05/11/2022 16:21

It's bonfire weekend, my DS1 is autistic and has never liked fireworks, DS2 absolutely loves them. Plan was for me to go to a bonfire with DS2 and DH was staying home with DS1.

However, DS1 has had some new ear defenders and says he wants to come so I suggested we all go but DH is refusing saying it won't be enjoyable so he isn't going.

It's not just tonight, it's any event, pumpkin picking, seeing Santa, days out anywhere really. DS1 can be hard work because of his autism but he isn't that bad, just needs time to adjust and lots of reassurance. It's only hard work when you're trying to juggle them both. I'm more than happy to manage the meltdowns and DH can go off with DS2 and we can catch up when DS1 is ready. But he doesn't, he just hangs around getting annoyed which just makes things harder.

I do everything with them on my own or with family/friends, we never go out together. I got upset that he refused to come tonight and he says he doesn't see the problem as he isn't stopping us from doing what we want. But it's just so much harder when I have them both on my own because DS1 needs time and DS2 just wants to run off and get stuck in.

AIBU to expect him to do these things with us? It isn't about what we want to do, it's about what the kids want to do.

For what it's worth, he's brilliant at home. He does his fair share and it's pretty even, it just makes me sad that he absolutely refuses to leave the house with us.

OP posts:

Original poster

bluebell276 · 06/11/2022 20:12

damnyourdogs · 06/11/2022 19:53

@bluebell276 No. They split when I was 21, I've been NC with my father for over 30 years and LC with my mother for 25. I've not seen my father in all that time and last saw my mother 15 years ago.

You are right, the children will remember the rubbish. My older brother has told his wife (who told my mother) that he has no positive memories of our childhood. None of us have gone on to have children of our own.

You reap what you sow.

That's really sad, I'm sorry you had that experience.
It helps me to hear it from a child's perspective, I know you're an adult but you know what I mean.

I went through a lot of heartache to get my children and I want them to have the best life I can give them and that starts with a calm and happy home where they can be themselves.

A big thing we argue over is mess, they will get every single toy out and play for hours and I love it, I know it won't always be this way. There won't be any toys one day so I love the chaos they create when they're playing. But DH hates it and makes them pack them all away and have 1 thing each. They always help tidy when they're done, I just don't see the harm and don't see the need for getting cross about a few toys scattered around.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 06/11/2022 20:16

He is making their childhoods pretty miserable isn't he

He doesn't see them as having needs that are at the very least equal to his.

damnyourdogs · 06/11/2022 20:47

@bluebell276 Thank you.

I know that my father never really wanted to be a father in the first place, my parents only got married because my mother got pregnant less than 6 months after their relationship started. It was in the mid 60s, if you knocked up a Catholic girl, you HAD to marry her. My father was 5 years younger than my mother, he turned 20 the day after my older brother was born.

The toys and the mess? Much the same for us. We weren't allowed to have toys outside of our bedrooms. My parents never played with us. They both expected adult reactions, behaviour and thinking from us when we were all still under 10...it was incredibly stressful to live under. I knew from the age of 9 that my parents didn't love each other, there was no physical affection between them and none shown to us, either. My mother has never hugged me or said she loves me. I didn't realise that was not normal until I was in my 30s...my partner's mother said 'love you' and kissed him on the cheek when we were leaving. That shocked me, and made me feel both very uncomfortable and sad. That's on me, not my partner, what his mother did is the 'norm', my childhood experiences were not.

ThePoetsWife · 06/11/2022 21:08

WOPTF · 06/11/2022 10:30

I could have written this almost.
My DH does lots at home. But going out with the 3 kids, 1 of whom is autistic, is just too much bother for him. The 3 are close in age, clash a lot and the eldest struggles with sensory overload sometimes. Because going out is hard work DH opts out. So it's harder work for me. Or I take the 2 kids and leave eldest home because he's a total homebody anyway. But with support he can really enjoy days out. If we do all go out we do a divide and conquer to keep all the kids happy/amused/secure.
I do so much alone with the kids my Facebook looks like I'm a single parent. We even have a mutual friend who comments whenever he sees DH on a family trip...sarky comments like oh, he's alive! I don't mind, it makes the point but also DH doesn't care.
I often think parenting alone wouldn't be much harder. Lots of things would be easier. But DH and I are otherwise best friends. We love each other. We love our kids. He just has zero tolerance for kids being kids. His expectations are too high and he isn't prepared to do things he doesn't enjoy because they will....I do say, do you think I wanted to watched Sonic 2 at the cinema? Is a solo day at Legoland Discovery a relaxing way for me to part with £80?! etcetera etc. The answer from him is, so don't do it.

Leaving isn't easy. And it's super hard when it feels like the reason isn't big or dramatic enough. How do you do it?!
I'm totally unhelpful OP, I have no answers just sending support and solidarity 💐

(And sorry I hijacked to vent 😕)

You're making sure your DC grow up thinking this is normal - think about what they must be learning and how they will be modelling future relationships.

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