DH never comes out with the family.

[bluebell276]

It's bonfire weekend, my DS1 is autistic and has never liked fireworks, DS2 absolutely loves them. Plan was for me to go to a bonfire with DS2 and DH was staying home with DS1.

However, DS1 has had some new ear defenders and says he wants to come so I suggested we all go but DH is refusing saying it won't be enjoyable so he isn't going.

It's not just tonight, it's any event, pumpkin picking, seeing Santa, days out anywhere really. DS1 can be hard work because of his autism but he isn't that bad, just needs time to adjust and lots of reassurance. It's only hard work when you're trying to juggle them both. I'm more than happy to manage the meltdowns and DH can go off with DS2 and we can catch up when DS1 is ready. But he doesn't, he just hangs around getting annoyed which just makes things harder.

I do everything with them on my own or with family/friends, we never go out together. I got upset that he refused to come tonight and he says he doesn't see the problem as he isn't stopping us from doing what we want. But it's just so much harder when I have them both on my own because DS1 needs time and DS2 just wants to run off and get stuck in.

AIBU to expect him to do these things with us? It isn't about what we want to do, it's about what the kids want to do.

For what it's worth, he's brilliant at home. He does his fair share and it's pretty even, it just makes me sad that he absolutely refuses to leave the house with us.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this place, it is horrible. I totally appreciate why you would want to give him benefit of the doubt and to try and work with him, but you do have few options.

His position is going to influence how he interacts with Ds1, which will in all likelihood end in your child feeling that he is badly behaved, He is not acceptable to his parent. That is a massive thing for a child to carry.

If you leave, you can make it clear that you two are not on the same page and you are not collaborating with his father to other him. You are saying that his father is the one being unacceptable, not him. There is no shame in autism, don't let your son be shamed for being his beautiful self.

Just leave. He won't change. He can sit indoors with them when it's his time.

My first dh was like this. His mates at the pub didn't even know he had a dw or dc... I left him.. He started asking to come swimming etc with us. Saw a change. Took him back and even married. Regretted it within 2 weeks. Marriage lasted a year.. Ime your dh won't change. And actually he has told you he won't. Leave and have fun with your dc...

I don't understand how it reached the point that this was even an option. It's his turn to take the kids out today, you stay home.

He really is a twat, OP.

What are some things that you do for him to keep him happy?

And can you stop doing them? (Not things like housework, as he does his fair share you say).

If he won’t do things to make his family happy, then why should you do things to make him happy?

OP, I know a woman in the same situation as you. It's sad to see. She's slowly withdrawing from friends and family and the DH and his behaviour is slowly wearing her down

She has two boys aged 4 and 1 and the DH is never with them at any events, he simply just doesn't go. She's always there on her own struggling. I saw her Friday, again on her own with the boys at a big family event. Others don't even ask where the husband is because they've given up

Quite frankly he's being an arse. Your boys deserves better. We have 3 kids, no sen and I am happy to take them out on my own but my ds will quite frankly want to be everywhere as will the baby since she has found her feet and dd1 needs encouragement. It's hard work but still fun, a lot easier if my dh joins us and he always does. Seeing your children enjoy things I special and he should want to come along. I'd not be OK with this.

I'm autistic and have social anxiety. Luckily I wasn't diagnosed until my kids were older. I think if I knew then I wouldn't have gone out at all. I hated all the Christmas Halloween Bonfire events but just did it for the kids. Luckily my mum was always with me.

It's not that I do things to make him happy as such, but more predicting and managing things I know will set him off. So for example, I don't invite people to our house. He's happy for people to come and is welcoming and chatty but when he's had enough that's it and his mood changes and it's uncomfortable, so it restricts us.

But it's exhausting to have to do that for him and DS1 too.

DS2s behaviour is awful a lot of the time but that's on us, without a doubt he just feels left out. But I get blamed for being too soft on them because I don't shout or tell them off. I get DS2 is a handful but it really is because DS1 takes alot of attention. DH triggers DS1 because they clash so I spend a lot of time diverting DS1 from doing the things that annoy DH and I still lose because then DS2 just runs riot.

It's exhausting. And after last night I'm really at the end of my tolerance. He came in the end, but we got there too early and so all 3 of them became impatient. DS1 actually loved the fireworks once they started but DS2 didn't which isn't like him at all. But DS1 also got bored as they went on for ages so I suggested we leave and DH refused saying we've come so we're not just leaving because the kids have demanded it.

I just can't parent an autistic child with a husband who is so black and white.

I can't talk to him, he just doesn't get it. It's all because I'm too soft on the kids and shouldn't be pandering to them. I don't think I do, I just don't think shouting and getting angry is the answer. Id rather distract or divert them when they're naughty but he says I'm not teaching them right from wrong.

It's miserable being with a man who doesn't like going out or taking the kids somewhere fun, and even when they do come you can tell they don't want to be there so as the mum you're trying to be positive and jolly it up for everyone. It ends up being better going alone even if harder.
So many men are like this.. it's like they aren't interested in living. They can change though, my ex has really made an effort in the last few years as he saw life was passing him by and he wanted to experience it all too.
It's fun when you both go with a positive attitude, have a laugh together etc.

For context, DH did have an awful childhood and I know there's something from his past he's never disclosed. He has nightmares and he'll be shouting and someone to leave him and go away and he wakes up crying. He lived with a grandparent and has absolutely no contact with his parents even though they try really hard to contact him. His mum has even started to contact me but he's said I'm never to reply. I know she was a shit parent and he's told me snippets.

However, 10 years of supporting him, made harder since having kids I've just reached a point where I'm tired of it. I've made so many excuses for him and tried so hard. I feel so guilty for feeling like this because I know he isn't to blame for being the way he is but he is to blame for continuing this way and I can't keep going if he won't address it.

And apart from that he should be helping with this stuff, he is an equal parent! Kids pick up on bad atmospheres and act up.

My ex was like this and honestly it was one of the main reasons I left. He didn’t want to do anything at all apart from watch tv (and drink) and he couldn’t understand why that wasn’t enough for me.

The argument that he’s “not stopping you” doing anything else is so weird. What is the actual point of being
married to someone who has no interest outside the home and doesn’t see a need to educate his kids about the world? If marriage is supposed to be teamwork and one partner totally opts out of doing anything outside the home with children, what message does that send?

It’s such a mean, limited and depressing perspective on the world. I wouldn’t want my kids to grow up thinking this was normal.

YANBU. It's not nice for kids to never experience a family day out with both parents present. I'd say he'd panic at idea of separation and 50/50 time, as he'd have to do so much more than he's doing now.

I am in a similar situation, two DC one with ASD. I suspect DH has ASD. We have never discussed possible ASD out loud but DH has recently become aware he has social anxiety. My DH will do things just the 4 of us reasonably often but parties, days out with other families, events relating to extra curricular activities are up to me. He will step up if I am away with friends or with my hobby but I am the default. And then I have to issue instructions and directions etc even though he is highly intelligent.

I think parenting the DC will be easier on your own because you spend so much energy managing the dynamic between them and their Dad which you shouldn't have to do.

Your DS2 is losing out and has the most to gain by you splitting up.

Your DH is an adult and autistic or not is responsible for himself.

I could have written this almost.
My DH does lots at home. But going out with the 3 kids, 1 of whom is autistic, is just too much bother for him. The 3 are close in age, clash a lot and the eldest struggles with sensory overload sometimes. Because going out is hard work DH opts out. So it's harder work for me. Or I take the 2 kids and leave eldest home because he's a total homebody anyway. But with support he can really enjoy days out. If we do all go out we do a divide and conquer to keep all the kids happy/amused/secure.
I do so much alone with the kids my Facebook looks like I'm a single parent. We even have a mutual friend who comments whenever he sees DH on a family trip...sarky comments like oh, he's alive! I don't mind, it makes the point but also DH doesn't care.
I often think parenting alone wouldn't be much harder. Lots of things would be easier. But DH and I are otherwise best friends. We love each other. We love our kids. He just has zero tolerance for kids being kids. His expectations are too high and he isn't prepared to do things he doesn't enjoy because they will....I do say, do you think I wanted to watched Sonic 2 at the cinema? Is a solo day at Legoland Discovery a relaxing way for me to part with £80?! etcetera etc. The answer from him is, so don't do it.

Leaving isn't easy. And it's super hard when it feels like the reason isn't big or dramatic enough. How do you do it?!
I'm totally unhelpful OP, I have no answers just sending support and solidarity 💐

(And sorry I hijacked to vent 😕)

What does your dh bring to the family?

@WOPTF

Leaving isn't easy. And it's super hard when it feels like the reason isn't big or dramatic enough. How do you do it?!

You have my sympathy. I know its hard to leave. It had leaving more or less forced on me because my ex became abusive and honestly I'm so grateful because it was an excuse to leave all the rest of it. I felt so miserable and trapped in his idea of a good marriage.

But honestly I think believing your kids need nothing more than food and a shelter and a diet of endless TV and a parent who never wants to leave the house is reason to leave.

It's shit parenting which will create children with low expectations and your kids deserve better. And you deserve better.

Why do so many men, once they have a partner and children, metamorphose into nematodes? Why do they seem to believe that they can hibernate for the rest of their natural lives and that the job of providing any support and stimulation to their children's internal, emotional or intellectual lives is solely the job of the woman?

You need to leave.

Both my parents were like your husband. If either myself or my two brothers wanted to do something, they had to like it as well. I'm now in my mid 50s, most of my childhood was spent in Oz.

Movies: I only ever saw one film with my father, that was Star Wars back in December 1977. We only went because he wanted to see it. If he hadn't, we wouldn't have gone.

Fireworks/Local Fayres type events: Definitively not, too much effort going out at night, so we never went.

Any after school activities: Too much effort, so we never took part.

Sports/hobbies: We were told 'only boring people have hobbies' So we weren't allowed to have any. Neither parents ever took any of us to any sort of sport/hobby. I was an extremely good swimmer, when I was 9 the school had arranged an multi-school event taking part on a Saturday and had automatically put me down for quite a few races, thinking that my parents would be pleased/proud and want to attend....did they fuck. I got into so much trouble for wanting to take part (even though the outdoor pool was literally 5 minutes from our house). I ended up sneaking out of the house to go on my own. Was standing, in my swimming costume, on the block for the first race when my father turns up, in a suit, bellowing at me 'we are going food shopping' and physically drags me out of the pool. The rest of the weekend was spent with me getting verbally bollocked for daring to change the routine - going food shopping at the local supermarket on a Saturday was the only thing we ever did at weekends, the rest of the time we were expected to play outside and leave our parents alone.

I got into trouble at school on the Monday as well, as my non-participation had cost the school a lot of points in the competition.

So yeah, your husband isn't going to get any better with this. And he may not be autistic, he may just be a cunt. Do your kids a massive favour and get them away from him while they are still young enough not to be too affected by him and his attitude.

OP this must be so difficult for you in many ways. It seems like your whole lives are being controlled by what mood your DH is in! I really couldnt live like this. He is pretty much doing half the parenting, but then having the nerve to criticise your parenting skills!
I think you need to make a decision for your and your childrens future .Best of luck.

@damnyourdogs that is an awful story. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Is he ashamed or embarrassed?

@damnyourdogs thanks for sharing, do you get on with your parents now?

I've tried to tell him that they will know who made effort and who didn't but he doesn't see it. He just cannot see it at all, no matter how I put it to him. Because he can be an amazing dad, he thinks the rubbish bits will be forgotten but I've told him it's the rubbish bits that stick in your head the most! And actually think we've reached a point where the rubbish outweighs the good anyway x

@bluebell276 No. They split when I was 21, I've been NC with my father for over 30 years and LC with my mother for 25. I've not seen my father in all that time and last saw my mother 15 years ago.

You are right, the children will remember the rubbish. My older brother has told his wife (who told my mother) that he has no positive memories of our childhood. None of us have gone on to have children of our own.

You reap what you sow.