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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would I be mean to give inlaws the crappy gift?

82 replies

Christmasiscomingthe · 05/11/2022 13:39

Earlier in the year I bought 5 of the same Christmas gifts for inlaws, my family, grandparents, aunts and uncles. They were on sale and 90% off.

I really like the item and want to keep one for myself, but if I do that my inlaws will have nothing for Christmas and DH will buy them a box of chocolates or biscuits and call it a day.

Inlaws have been pretty spiteful to me and I don't really want them to have the gift now I realised I wouldn't be able to keep one for myself.

Wibu to just unwrap it and keep it and let dh spend £5 (which is more than the gift was if you could believe it) on a box of chocolates and take the awkwardness?

Dh was left in charge of gifts for his side one year and got everyone a chocolate orange each, it was pretty embarrassing receiving nice gifts and giving back a £1 gift. But he didn't seem to care. he brought thoughtful gifts for his grandparents so I think it may have been intentional but he never said and I never asked. I was wriggling in my seat but said nothing) it was assumed I did this as the woman.

There have been numerous problems with inlaws in the past which make me feel like they deserve the nice gift less than aunts and uncles we see less often.

I also feel like it wouldn't matter because they are unlikely to ever even know unless dh or the children some how spill the beans. She knows the family and may chat about gifts but its not that likely as we usually do separate visits.

To buy myself a similar one would cost roughly 25 quid extra. I can't afford that. especially when I have 5 in the house already.

I know its not a big deal in the grand scheme. I suppose I just want someone to tell me to keep it!

OP posts:

FirstFallopians · 15/11/2022 18:01

I had a similar issue (although my inlaws are lovely) when DH started taking a back seat with present-buying for his family.

I just made it known to my SIL that with the work of organising the Santa presents now we had kids, I’d told DH that he was to sort his family’s gifts and I’d sort mine. SIL dutifully let the rest of the inlaws know, so when the inevitable crappy, rushed presents were opened, they knew it was on DH not me.

UWhatNow · 01/12/2022 11:49

“Except for reciprocating decent Christmas gifts to people who give you nice presents.”

This. If they give you nice presents you should reciprocate. I think a throw is a bit of a ‘meh’ gift tbh but your husband is a disgrace and a cheapskate giving £1 chocolate oranges.

ChilomenaPunk · 01/12/2022 11:52

Leave gifts for his family to DH, that's what I do. If he wants to get them a chocolate orange then it's his lookout.

Trinity65 · 01/12/2022 11:58

Keep it

ICanHideButICantRun · 01/12/2022 12:23

I would definitely keep the throw. When they open the gift that your husband has bought them, say, "Oh this is interesting, Husband bought this and hasn't told me what he's got you..." Then lean forward with baited breath as they open another chocolate orange.

mrsm43s · 01/12/2022 12:50

If you want to keep the throw, then do.

But surely there's a replacement gift that you/your DH could buy that isn't shit?

It's not a choice between throw or chocolate orange! Look for something that your ILs would like that's in line with the value of the gifts they give to your family (so not a chocolate orange!).

Fraaahnces · 01/12/2022 12:56

Get them TWO chocolate oranges

Pidgeonslipshit · 01/12/2022 13:02

If you want to keep it go ahead but definitely get your ILs something more thoughtful than a chocolate orange ! Even if they have annoyed you be the bigger person.

berksandbeyond · 01/12/2022 13:06

Do people really act like this in real life?
I'd rather than no presents at all than be given a chocolate orange or a cheap generic throw?🫠

HungryandIknowit · 01/12/2022 13:10

Keep it. DH's job.

HungryandIknowit · 01/12/2022 13:11

LongLostTeacher · 05/11/2022 15:11

Keep it.

I also want to point out that perhaps your DH wasn’t squirming because he knew everyone would think it was you who was stingy with the gifts. I wouldn’t let him off with that and before they are dished out I would say something about looking forward to seeing what the gifts are because DH did the shopping this year.

Also I agree with this!

Naunet · 01/12/2022 13:19

But why is this your problem? They should have raised their son better 🤷‍♀️

If you think they’re assuming you picked his crappy gifts, just make it clear he shops for them and you shop for your family.

Mischance · 01/12/2022 13:22

unwrap it!!! Have you wrapped Christmas presents already!!!???

Twiglets1 · 01/12/2022 13:23

My in laws have given me lots of shitty presents over the years (like pjs in size Large back when I was a Small - pretty obvious they were a regift not bought for me at all) so I would definitely keep it.
I always buy nice gifts for people that buy me thoughtful stuff but if they are mean to you they don’t deserve it.

pinkksugarmouse · 01/12/2022 13:35

Keep it. If DH wants to get them something that’s up to him. Don’t be a martyr. Have some self respect and don’t keep putting effort into people who will never return it.

Ivyonafence · 01/12/2022 13:36

My in laws were hideous to me and I tried for years to win their approval, part of that was buying thoughtful expensive gifts for them. Eventually it just felt like more humiliation for me, and I decided not to do it anymore.

I told DH that we'd each do our own families from now on. DH forgot, or got something crap at the last minute. I was blamed of course, more evidence that I was a bad person, and Poor DH being stuck with a lazy wife who doesn't even do his Christmas shopping for him.

Fuck them. Some people don't deserve your thoughtfulness.

Naunet · 01/12/2022 13:55

Pidgeonslipshit · 01/12/2022 13:02

If you want to keep it go ahead but definitely get your ILs something more thoughtful than a chocolate orange ! Even if they have annoyed you be the bigger person.

Why can’t her husband? It’s his family, is he expected to go out and shop for his in-laws?

Crosswithlifeatm · 01/12/2022 14:00

Keep it and hand back all present buying to DH.If they say anything point them in the direction of the buyer.
It's one chore you don't need as Christmas can be stressful enough.

Original poster

Christmasiscomingthe · 04/12/2022 14:47

It's all water under the bridge now but mil took note of DHs bank card details and spent about a year and a half purchasing stuff on his card.
We only realised after going through with a fine toothed comb all of our finances.
We were lending her and Fil money the whole time and they kept 'forgetting' or 'struggling' to pay us back so DH just let them off with the money despite us arguing about it.
it was 10-30 pounds a week we knowingly lent out without fail. Plus whatever was stolen.

I was upset about this, it caused lots of arguments and to top it all off mil was badmouthing me to anyone who would listen, including our children.

I'm still pretty bitter about it to be honest, hence dropping the gift giving for their side. I expect DH gave a token gift to try to recoup our losses but not be a meany pants.
So that's the reason, he isn't pathetic. He's an incredibly giving man and he always buys extra gifts for my sister who we are very close with, despite me already buying her a gift.

I unwrapped the throw and I'm in it right now.
Dh has said he will sort out a gift this year for them so we will see what he gets. I am a little over invested for sure, he couldn't tell me what my parents will be getting but I keep badgering him to see what he's buying.

It's a bit mean spirited saying that my gifts for my family are rubbish! Even if it is a 'generic' gift. The budget I try to stick by is under £10 for every person. Some years I'll find a bargain and spend maybe a £5 some years I'll find something someone would love and spend £30 but usually I try to get in the after summer or January sales and save the gifts for Christmas. Its expensive enough as it is and I have a big family, we have friends and then the children. It all adds up with treat food and parties and such.
We have to be frugal and the chocolate oranges were £1.00 😱

OP posts:

DuchessOfSausage · 04/12/2022 14:53

The chocolate orange was an inspired gift, given the circumstances.

Floralnomad · 04/12/2022 14:55

Your in-laws sound pretty awful but I’d give them the throw and get something different for one of your family members so that you can keep one , buying everyone the same thing just in different colours does smack a bit of you couldn’t be bothered to think of anything individual .

CovertImage · 04/12/2022 14:56

"It's a bit mean spirited..." etc

The irony!

NotSorry · 04/12/2022 15:05

glad you're keeping it 👍

Tillylime · 04/12/2022 15:06

If your mil is a thief my Christmas gift each year would be an invoice of what she owes including interest!
That's outrageous.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 04/12/2022 15:12

Your dh IS wet and sackless to have anything to do with someone who steals from him.

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