To think it's impossible to make friends with mums?

[KidsArt]

I moved to the suburbs from London during covid. I have 2DS (3 and 18 months). I work full time but I book classes and things at the weekend.

I just can't seem to make any friends. My two have never been on a playdate. I try to be all smiley at the nursery pick up. I try to start conversations at groups etc..

I'm a bit scruffy and a bit older (late 30s). Poss you could even say a little hippy-ish (unintentional!). All the mums seem young and glam and all drive range rovers etc - it seems. I don't feel I fit in but I'll chat with anyone! But no one wants to chat with me. There doesn't seem any mum mutual support...if I come in late or my kid is having a meltdown I just feel eyes on me. Maybe it's all in my head.

I really want to be part of the local community and for my kids to have friends and for me to have mum friends. A lot of my old mates don't have kids/have moved far away. Covid pushed everyone to all sorts of places. We just picked here because we could afford a house (unlike city) and we could still keep our jobs.

Do things get easier at primary school? I feel parents right now seem quite judgy and not particularly friendly. But then they all seem to know at least one other mum.

I don't know what mum's were like in London as was covid the whole time.

Am I living in the wrong place? Or do I just need to wait for them to be older? I always see on MN people talking about weekends full of this and that and I'm always searching for something to do!

Your DC are to young for play dates.

It's awkward as I'd only become friends with someone if we really hit it off.

I have a few friends and 3 Dsis, a part-time job, house to clean so I think people find it hard to open up.

Once they're in primary school it gets easier to meet parents.

You could have a big party in Spring inviting neighbours and their DC.

A bouncy castle if it is acceptable in your area.

Reel them in.

It is hard, especially if you work full time because you’re not really on the baby/toddler group circuit. it won’t be anything to do with you personally.

I never made any mum friends from baby groups or nursery but made lots when DC started at primary school. It is hard, I think, and especially because there's so much pressure to have a group of mum friends. When I was pregnant I remember people saying I must join NCT and then I'd have mum friends for life, but our local one was already full, and I really worried about everyone else being in friendship groups and being all alone, whereas in fact I did make friends but it was just more natural and organic than joining a group.

Scruffy and a bit of a hippy sounds great- I'd definitely be your friend!

Aw it’s hard- you just need to find your tribe. If it’s any consolation, I never made any friends at the private nursery DC went to, it was such a rush dropping and picking up as everyone was going to work. It was only when I was working part time and the eldest started at the local preschool that I met people and playdates etc happened.

i didn’t really make friends at toddler classes either- once I thought I did, as someone invited me to come with her to this “amazing” toddler group she knew about- turned out it was a very happy clappy Christian thing and she was trying to convert me! 🤦🏻‍♀️

What are your neighbours like? Is there a local playground you can hang out at/start conversations/ask advice about local activities? One of the best friends I made when DC were little was someone I met at the swings also wrangling a baby and toddler!

Hang in there, it gets easier 💐

It gets much easier once they start school.

You could try setting up a nursery WhatsApp group? I know a few meet ups have been set up from ours.

Try not to dwell too much on your age/appearance etc, honestly it’s unlikely to be personal! (I’m wondering where you’ve moved though as it does sound quite a lot like somewhere I used to live 😂)

It will be easier when they’re at school, just smile & be chatty to other mums & you’ll be fine! I found it hard until DC were at school.

if I come in late or my kid is having a meltdown I just feel eyes on me. Maybe it's all in my head

Sorry, meant to add that this probably is all in your head, unless you have a reason to think otherwise- I know I have a tendency to project my discomfort onto other people and think they're judging me when actually they probably haven't even noticed me, think it's very common!

Yes it's easier once they start school, provided the parents of the kids your los play with are nice. Expect the odd bit of excluding of your los for no apparent reason, and you'll be fine! Also some mums are extremely clickey (sp?) so just rise above it if you can

3 year olds and babies going on playdates is really about the mums meeting up. The mums are friends and they both happen to have similar aged kids iyswim.
Once kids go to school they can request specific kids they like to come round. How you get along with the other mum matters less and less as they get older.

It must be really hard to make friends if you're working full time. I've made a lot of new very local friends since having babies, but we live in a village and I'm still off work looking after them.

Things that have helped is that we moved somewhere with lots of like-minded people, so when I do meet mum's at the playground or classes we already have a lot in common. But mostly it's just that weekdays we go to classes together, or hang out in the cafe / playground together. We're all desperately trying to fill the long day, so it's easier. I can't imagine how much harder it would be to be racing to get to nursery, then work, then nursery, then home AND then try to make friends.

But that said, I do flag down anyone I see with a baby and suggest a walk or a coffee or a group. I figure that if people aren't interested they'll just fob me off, but if I don't ask, I don't get.

I think it can be hard to make mum friends when youre new to an area. But i also think confidence has a lot to do with it. You've seem to be comparing yourself negatively to other mums but try and remember what's good about yourself when you're interacting with others.
Try a few different groups with different groups of mums

are there any single mothers? they've usually had to opt out of the whole Perfect Image thing a long while ago! When my DC started school I was 37 with a 4 year old and a 1 year old and I didn't really fit in to any box. I just wanted to connect. Maybe that sounds a bit too intense! Maybe some people just honestly want small talk.

My kids are 9 and 7 and I don't have any friends that I made through my kids IYSWIM. I have friends with kids, but they are friends that I made myself and their kids aren't friends with my kids.

My kids play with kids they go to school with and live locally either playing out in the street or they go to friend's houses. But I'm not friendly with the parents.

Agree with PP. Also don't limit yourself to mum friends- you can feel part of the local community by getting to know all sorts of people, could you join a local book club or church group. Mum friends are good if you are at home FT as you can hang out together but if you're working in the week maybe all you need is some pals, kids optional!

Year 1 aged 5 was when I became friends with some great woman at drop off. 10 years later we are still mates.

OP, when my kids and I made friends at those ages it was always in playgrounds! My eldest DS has always been like a tiny pub landlord (!) always bowling around beaming and introducing himself to everyone, offering toys to share... He's a character! So he always broke the ice and then if it there was any friendly vibes at all from the mum (or dad!) then we'd arrange a playdate.

So my best advice would be drag them to the playground at least once a day over every weekend and see what happens... Don't worry about the age (I was 37 when I had my eldest) or your scruffiness (I'm a huge hippy!) - just be friendly and open. You'll soon find your friends. x

Yes it's very difficult...putting aside the mum thing, I actually think the British are not often open to new friends...the only new friends I've made as an adult have been from abroad and therefore are usually far more open to meeting new people.

I'm a bit scruffy and a bit older (late 30s). Poss you could even say a little hippy-ish (unintentional!). All the mums seem young and glam and all drive range rovers etc - it seems. I don't feel I fit in but I'll chat with anyone
If that's the measure of the area then you'll meet your type too.

There's usually a mix of glam and boho hipee in those areas.

The ones who like to flash cash and the other's who don't feel the need.

Your age is average too.

Join the local clubs.

It's lonely though when I lived in a different area without friends it was impossible when I decided to leave I made a few but my decision was made.
Once the good weather comes in it'll be easier.

They are to young for play dates. Wait for school age for that.

Do you have any local mum groups online you can chat to online and then meet up? I find that helps break the ice more.

Primary school for me has been the best for meeting people so far (now Covid restrictions have past when dd1 started it always 2020 so no parties, play dates ☹️) Now dd2 is in Reception and we have a class WhatsApp so I have everyone’s number, we’ve had several all class birthday parties, some smaller ones and now play dates as the kids form friendships.
However, we will all meet up with our kids, but haven’t quite made it to meeting up without the kids. But I’ve just joined the PTA in hopes of pub trips without kids!

It's because you work full time - I went back part time and met friends at baby groups, toddler groups, then branched out to doing stuff with them on weekends. Until school DS only had playdates with the children of mums I was friendly with, and even now a lot of our socialising is with those families.

I never connected with the nursery parents - we were all just dropping and rushing. It really isn't anything unlikeable about you - that just isn't an easy environment for making friends.

You're looking in the wrong places!
Go to places that interest you, you'll find mum's who are interested in the same thing, then you'll find friends.

If there's a forest group in your area, that's where you'll find the more hippy-ish mums. The forest group we went to was the loveliest group I've ever joined. The vibe was relaxed, there was no judgement and lots of support.

Just because other women have children doesn't mean you will have anything in common.

You'd be better getting a job, taking up a hobby or volunteering and that way you will meet people with similar interests to you.

Play dates happen more at primary school. That said I don’t have any mum friends really either. Everyone chats to me and I go to lots of playgroups but I don’t actually have any mum friends or friends at all really.

Don't make being a mum your search criteria.

Go to community activities and chat to people, join a club or group you find interesting.

My closest friend happens to be a mum but that's got nothing to do with why we're friends. We are both craft addicts.