To think it's impossible to make friends with mums?

[KidsArt]

I moved to the suburbs from London during covid. I have 2DS (3 and 18 months). I work full time but I book classes and things at the weekend.

I just can't seem to make any friends. My two have never been on a playdate. I try to be all smiley at the nursery pick up. I try to start conversations at groups etc..

I'm a bit scruffy and a bit older (late 30s). Poss you could even say a little hippy-ish (unintentional!). All the mums seem young and glam and all drive range rovers etc - it seems. I don't feel I fit in but I'll chat with anyone! But no one wants to chat with me. There doesn't seem any mum mutual support...if I come in late or my kid is having a meltdown I just feel eyes on me. Maybe it's all in my head.

I really want to be part of the local community and for my kids to have friends and for me to have mum friends. A lot of my old mates don't have kids/have moved far away. Covid pushed everyone to all sorts of places. We just picked here because we could afford a house (unlike city) and we could still keep our jobs.

Do things get easier at primary school? I feel parents right now seem quite judgy and not particularly friendly. But then they all seem to know at least one other mum.

I don't know what mum's were like in London as was covid the whole time.

Am I living in the wrong place? Or do I just need to wait for them to be older? I always see on MN people talking about weekends full of this and that and I'm always searching for something to do!

I had my toddler during covid and maybe it was easier to make friends in a way because everyone was desperate! As soon as lockdown lifted I took DD swimming and to other classes and made some friends from that. Have to seek out the mums who haven't come with their mates as they're not interested. After a bit of chatting someone has to make the first move and exchange numbers though otherwise you never get anywhere.

You’ll meet more mums at primary school, don’t worry. I don’t think your age or style are relevant at all. Working FT might limit your opportunities if you use wraparound care, but your DC will still make friends and you’ll meet their mums that way.

Concentrate on friends for you - go to classes, chat in the library/gym, etc. You’ll come across people who you click with.

I moved from London when my kids were the same age as yours.I found it hard to make friends.However I posted on netmums local asking if anyone with kids my age wanted to meet for coffee as I was new to the area.The 4 friends I have properly made all came from that post.I know others make really good friends once at primary school.Joining the PTA or being class rep seems to be a good way.Ive met a good bunch from joining a running club but my kids are older now so easier.Its not been easy for me though...all the local mums knew each other from NCT and I never managed to get in with them.

Agree with others - most of the mum/baby/toddler meetups will be during the week when you are at work. Weekends tend to get reserved more for family time.

If you want to make friends I'd focus on what you are interested in and joining a group around that. You're more likely to have something in common with anyone you meet. Having a child the same age is not really a "something in common" to base a friendship on.

It does get easier at primary school, partly because your child will start to more lead the playdate discussions. Also, plenty of people like to have children round but don't want to entertain their parent as well - and your DC are too young for this as yet.

As you work full time it’s unlikely to improve at school age either as most things go on in day time. Weekends tend to be sacred family time. Most mums either don’t work or work part time when DC are this age, in my village at least, so meet at toddler groups etc. I would look further afield, find a common interest that includes kids such a walking groups, craft groups, libraries usually have weekend stuff etc

I'm a stay at home mum who does the school runs. I have a 13 and 9 year old, I have never made a school mum friend. I tried so hard to make them, but ended up doing a bunch of playdates without any reciprocation. I no longer bother now. Good luck, I hope you make some nice friends.

How about having a party for their next birthday and inviting everyone from nursery? I've met a couple of people that way.

I also met lots of people at baby groups on mat leave but it was me smiling like a loon and starting conversation and asking the ones I liked if they wanted to go for a coffee. As soon as I stopped doing that I didn't get others approach me in the same way.

Peanut app might also be worth a go?

Do you have any friends of friends who live nearby?

Until school I would say all my Mum friends were from NCT. It all changes when they go to school.

Another suggestion is to join the local mums Facebook groups. There's even one here specifically for mums with babies born each year.

It’s not impossible but it’s going to be harder if you are only free to do things on the weekend. 80% of the time people want to do play dates in the week and spend time with their family and other friends on the weekend.

Just smiling and chatting about the weather isn’t going to lead to a proper friendship. If you actually want to push the friendship beyond the nursery gates then you have to put yourself out there and ask them to do something.

Are there any toddler activities on a weekend near you? Go to those with the main aim of having fun with your kids and chatting to another mum is a bonus. Then you need to be the one to suggest follow on events, a coffee near the park then go to the playground next sat morning for example.

I agree that being confident is a key to making friends, it's going to be off putting if you give off a negative, woe is me vibe

Talk to everyone, be nice but dont come over as too desperate to make friends

TBH when mine were in nursery I never had time for chit chat, I was too busy rushing to get to work, and generally nursery handovers take longer and are a bit of a faff. When DS was in nursery he hated it and would reach out for me as I left for work so I just wanted to go back to my car and have a little sob, I wouldn’t have spoken to anyone.

And yes it gets easier at school. It’s less complex, you’re there at the same time with the same people 5 days a week so naturally you end up having ‘your space’ on the playground as do others. And you can strike up conversation with “Oh you’re Harry’s mum! My DC talks about him all the time, if you ever fancy a play date let me know”. Also schools tend to have Class WhatsApp groups whereas I’ve never known this with nurseries.

Good luck OP!

She works full time

You'll probably find that most people are making friends at toddler groups that happen in the week when you are at work. Most people with young kids want to spend weekends doing stuff as a family.

Why not set up a playgroup or meet up at the weekend, there must be other parents in your position who can't do it in the week?

I would agree with the PP who said don’t limit yourselves to mums or mums of children of the same age, if all you have in common is you had children at a similar time that’s not really much to go on.

They don’t really have play dates at that age as they’re a bit young. I do think it depends what sort of places/groups you go too and how often.

I have a 6 & 18 month old and I take them to the same groups Mon - Thursday. Three out of four groups are at my local Children’s centre where the same parents attend. It’s easier to make friends when you see the same people weekly. I also did a six week cooking course at the beginning of the year and made two good friends. When you go to a group just once it’s harder to make friends as you’re not going to want to swap numbers after a one time thing.

If there’s any time for you to make it to weekly sessions in a Children’s centre then I’d suggest that. I’m in SW London

There may be an element of living in the wrong place, as what you are describing you would like, versus what the Mum-culture seems to be in your area, aren't quite compatible and are more like where I brought my children up. I think it is also harder when you are working full time, and especially when not WFH, to make 'Mum-friends'. I have a 'Mum-friend' that I made when we within a group of others were all doing NCT, toddler group, PTA, carpooling etc and we are now established long term friends, whereas others I eventually drifted apart from - just on Christmas letter basis now with a couple more - especially when I moved from the area. Most of us weren't working full time, some were SAHPs. It's that friend-for-a-reason, friend-for-a-season, friend-for-life thing but your problem is that you are having trouble finding your friends-for-a-reason/season as the nursery group are established.

Another problem is that with two parents working and often at least one doing a major commute and then obviously needing and wanting to spend family time with nursery-going children in the evening and at weekends, where is the room in the schedule for playdates or Mum-dates over coffee and cake? Whereas those who are not working full time but can afford to use childcare anyway will have their own network of friends they see during the day when you are at work. Once you click with someone or perhaps find a mutually convenient arrangement for helping another parent with tricky pick-ups then you can try to broaden out into suggesting doing something on a light summer evening,or for an autumn walk or a joint trip to Ikea or whatever floats your boat. Or offer to cook tea for Mum-plus child on an occasional Friday night. Food is often helpful in these situations I find! Be creative but it still might take time. Yes it might improve in primary especially if you can join the PTA.

Didnt make any friends when dd was at school - we had recently moved to London too - there were a couple of other mums I would speak to at pick up time - but not really friends - nor was DD invited on many play dates.

When DS was due to start I was working full time and wasnt doing the collections so joined the PTA as a way of getting involved.... I made one proper friend at the PTA and made friends with a Mum who lived on our road and shared the same childminder - her DS and mine became best friends and in Y11 still are.

Through those two people I met other local mums - we are a great gang now all neighbours, kids all different ages, at different schools, all very supportive and good friends - it took years to find the right people. We have a bookclub, we have films nights, games nights, camping trips, holidays etc

Before then though - we made other friends - got involved in a local residents group and an arts festival - not so much Mum friends but it made us feel part of the community.

I've made friends for play dates and friendship recently and it's brought such joy to my life. I literally had no one at all and now I get to have the best time with dd and new friends.

My tip is to just be open to the idea and see what happens. Do kiddie stuff and you'll me kiddie people. You've got to be bold and take numbers. You will sometimes get knocked back. It's like dating. I've been turned down and not wasted time lol just wait for the next opportunity. Sounds weird now I think of it but I was determined DD and I would have a sense of community and belonging and we do now. I met my new 'mum friends' doing the following 1 mum and child per thing, it's taken us about over a year and we've just found solid ground:

At a free local event for toddlers
At a low cost event for children
At a local church
At nursery
At playgroup

All spaced out and far between but they've all become important in some way to our lives and we to them.

Change groups you go to with your kids. We went to one for ages couldn't even get a hello. Changed and met new friendly people straight away.

I know one person At playgroup now but I always try to smile and say hello to Mums on their own. It's so easy to get wrapped in convo with the one mum you know and forget about the others on their own. Good luck @KidsArt I'm sure you'll find your tribe

@SleepingStandingUp

Then try one of my other suggestions

You need to move up North 😁😁, we chat to everyone up here!! The warmth of people in general is noticeably different in the mids and North I've no idea why though!! I'd be your friend 😊😊

My advice would be to go to something you enjoy or find friends at something not kid related when they’re this age, they’re a bit young for play dates for them - they’d be mostly for the mums and they don’t sound very friendly as you’ve described them really, eg book group, exercise class, craft workshops, whatever you’re into. You then make friends for you - and if they happen to have kids great that might work. Your kids can make their own friends but very few of my friends are the parents of my kids’ friends now. Some are but they were made at primary school. You sound lovely so don’t change in any way to fit in on the ‘circuit’ you’ll find people who are likeminded I’m sure.

Treat being a mum like a job and the other mothers as colleagues. If they become friends, that's a bonus. Do not go into this thinking 'I must make friends ...' that puts way too much pressure on and sets you up for disappointment.

If you're trying to make friends with mums, any mums, just because they are mums, yes, it will be impossible. Because thats not a basis for friendship. Why would I want to be your friend if literally anyone with a kid the right age would do? People are not interchangeable!

I’ve found people to be quite friendly all over the UK, including the South and supposedly shocking when in London who have been more friendly than said on MN and when my parents have visited they have said the same about how friendly people have been all over. Perhaps, it’s the energy people give off vs regional differences when it comes to chatting.