At my wits end with baby crying - I keep losing it and screaming

[babysoss]

I don't scream at her, just nearby to release tension somehow. Does anyone else do this ?

She's just screaming all the time, at all hours at night and I don't know what to do. On top of that I have a toddler constantly tantruming. Which is just not getting better. Doing anything with her is exhausting, because she throws herself on the floor and a screams EVERY TIME she does not get her way.

She goes to nursery some of the time thankfully, but still, it's a nightmare.

On top of that, I really need to lose weight, as I look like some kind of cow and I'm trying to get myself to the gym most days. It's exhausting when you need to be up every few hours in the night.

I break down frequently.

Husband is away a lot on business trips etc. so it's basically all down to me. Then husband is frustrated and grumpy because of the lack of sex.

There's a lot going on here OP. Do you have any family you can ask to come and help with crying baby? I remember those days and it's incredibly stressful. I only have the one child so can't imagine what it's like to have a toddler as well as a baby. I understand the screaming thing, I screamed into a pillow a couple of times.

Have you spoken to your health visitor? They may be able to offer support.

Your husband is a dickhead for getting grumpy with you due to a lack of sex when you have a toddler and baby to look after. Does he help out when he's home?

It sounds really hard OP. It does get easier as your kids get older, but that's no consolation now

I don't have any support nearby. Apart from the crèche at the gym. I have my in laws nearby, but they only come around in the evenings, quite late, which doesn't really help. Maybe once every two weeks. Nothing regular and just disrupts me, more than anything.

I ask them to come all the time, but I'm tired of begging- if that makes sense ? They're perfectly aware how hard things are for me, but still choose not to come more often, so I have stopped asking for them to come.

HV ?? What are they going to do ? I've found them to be massively unhelpful tbh. They didn't want to help me at all when I asked for help because she was constantly screaming and vomiting. They don't care, as long as the baby is growing well- which is the case with her.

I would forget about the gym for now, unless you enjoy it as time to yourself. You need to rest. Tell your husband he'd get more sex if he actually did something helpful instead of being another thing making your life worse...

Can you get more help with the toddler? I relied heavily on nursery and grandparents to keep mine distracted. And try and get the baby checked out in case the screaming is indicating a medical issue?

When I read posts like this I wish I could just pop round to the OPs house, take the baby and tell you to go and lie down while I listen to the screaming for a bit. It's so much louder/harder when it's your own baby and easier when it's not x

Such a shame. It all depends on the HV and you're doesn't sound very supportive. Mine was amazing, sat with me and went through lots of techniques to use when baby was crying. Different holds, different needs they may have, white noise, etc etc. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't, but having a HV tell me I was doing well and giving some insight based on their experience was incredibly helpful. Sorry yours hasn't been great.

Screaming and vomiting? Assume you've looked into acid reflux, milk allergy etc etc? Cranial osteopath? Throw some money at the problem! Hire a good babysitter, childminder etc. Get toddler into nursery more. Book a spa day. Get DH to get in laws more on side, they could have toddler for a day etc.

Same. It really does take a village and think we've lost this mentality a bit in the UK.

Mindful though that not everyone has a lot of money to throw

Oh sorry, cross posted on grandparents/HV.
I used to take my two to a toddler group in a local church. The ladies who ran it would hold the baby, the toddler would play with the toys and I would sit down for ten minutes with a cup of coffee. Other mums were great for emotional support/ practical tips.

I would also immediately be thinking reflux with screaming and vomiting. Hve you discussed it with the GP?

The baby and the toddler are behaving age appropriately. The husband is not. He is the biggest issue here. I also have a baby (who is much harder work than his brother, who clearly tricked us into think this was easy!) and a huffy toddler but my DH is here with us doing the whole team player husband/dad thing. I'm currently BF baby and he's downstairs sorting toddler out. He's also bringing me up breakfast in bed instead of huffing he's not getting his leg over. If I had your DH I'd probably scream alot too.
Have you spoken to him honestly about all this? "But I'm working" is not an excuse.
Is baby BF or FF? Have you tried infacol or gripe water? White noise cuddlies? Can anyone else take baby even for an hour or so for you to reset?
Do less with toddler. She just wants your attention so I'd keep it as simple as possible, no pressure to be doing anything that's too stressful or on time schedules or anything like that. If baby is a screamer and makes you scream, it's no wonder a young child is also feeling overwhelmed with it all.
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You seriously need some support! You need a serious talk with your partner. Can you up the nursery hours or ask family/ friends for help? It does get easier but that doesn’t help right now when you’re feeling so overwhelmed. I’ve been in a similar situation so I understand how hard it is with the tiredness and being proactive but if I can give you any advice it would be to fit in a walk each day, do whatever you need to do to get toddler and baby strapped in a pram or whatever and go for a walk, the exercise and fresh air will help your mental health and in turn your weight as that’s bothering you, but the kids cants get into mischief the baby will probably start to sleep in the pram which helps with routine and hopefully you can get 10 minutes peace when you get back home too

I'd find money. I'd cut back on everything to fund this sort of relief. I'd eat beans on toast for the foreseeable. But I cant bear to be without sleep and I need my own down time or I go a bit mad. Also husband working away a lot on business - I assume this is fairly well paid otherwise whats the point.

"constantly screaming and vomiting. They don't care, as long as the baby is growing well- which is the case with her"

This sounds like reflux/silent reflux. Ignore any misinformed person who says 'it can't be a problem if they're gaining weight' as that's crap. DS was gaining a pound a week but had raging reflux from CMPA. Try your GP?

@TrippyLily that sounds great. When I called because my baby was constantly crying after feeds etc and it was really getting to me, she said it was all normal and they didn't need to see us. I then asked in what situation they would be willing to see us and when would this crying and reflux be a problem and what to look out for and she actually refused to tell me and just told me that I don't need to know as it doesn't sound like the issue I have with my baby !! So yes, I am reluctant to call again tbh ! I ended up going private and got a diagnosis of CMPA.

The gym can wait and the husband needs to suck it up. You don't owe him sex. How is your financial situation? Can you afford a babysitter, even if it's just a teenager who will take the baby for a stroll for an hour every other day to give you some time with the toddler alone? Maybe that would make it more manageable.

It sounds tough, hang in there.

Also Colief. Changed my life with one of mine.

Screaming and vomiting? This sounds possibly like reflux. Get an appointment at the GP urgently and ask for an assessment. I would also get an assessment for tongue tie as another cause as refluxy symptoms can be an indication. Look at the Association of Tongue Tie Practitioners website and find someone local there.

Give up the gym for the time being in terms of how you look - dont put another pressure on yourself . Only go if it is helping your mental health. Could your inlaws take your toddler out for one morning a week? Be very specific and clear with them regarding exactly what help you need from them and your husband too. Be explicit that your mental health is being severely affected by this (understandably). I would also speak to the GP about how you are feeling too

Get baby to Dr to look at physical reasons for the screaming and vomiting.

Buy yourself some ear plugs to reduce the sensory overload, you'll still here the children but it'll take the shrillness out of the scream.

If you haven't got extra cash then quit the gym and get in a mother's help, ask the local college if they have any students on childcare courses who would like some work experience.

Contact Home Start who are a charity set up to support mums.

Rejoin the gym when the children are older. Get you exercise from long walks either pushing the pram or baby in a carrier.

Definitely GP for silent reflux. Also is baby any better in a sling? My reflux baby was so much better in one so practically lived in the sling.

How about cosleeping following the Safe Sleep Seven to maximise your sleep at night.

Would finances allow for a mother's help to come in for a few hours at a time?

The baby does seem to have CMPA. Is on special formula. But the nights have got much worse over the last couple of months and I'm not sure why. Vomiting in the day is only controlled by milk thickener. She's a needy baby, always wants to be held and entertained and doesn't nap much during the day at all.

I've had her checked by several doctors and that's the conclusion.

But the GP and the HV completely turned us away and said it's completely irrelevant that she screams all the time, because she's gaining weight. She screams a bit less now than she did when she was younger ( during the day ), but night time has taken on a new level. I hardly get any sleep. Then have to wrangle a screaming toddler to nursery etc / clean / cook/ gym on very very little sleep. Then husband comes home and is pissed off most of the time. I don't even get peace then. Then during the night often baby wakes toddler, so I need to run around between both rooms ! It's a nightmare !

Getting a mothers help is a great idea, as are Home Start. Maybe ask the HV if there are any other local organisations that offer practical help.

GP to investigate the possible reflux.

Tell your husband you are literally just surviving right now and ask how he’s going to help - put it back on him to say what he will/can do.

Know that it will change, it will get better, but it is really hard right now. Forget about looking good for anyone else, the priority has to be what can help you feel better now.

Oh OP, I could've written this.

My baby suffered something rotten with colic/reflux and would scream and vomit almost constantly. HV was kind of sympathetic but equally didn't really support me. DP works long hours and shifts so is also of very little help and family are a hundred miles away so it's tough. Many a time I have left baby safe and gone for a scream/cry in the garage. Sure my neighbours must think I'm bonkers. Then hit the 4 month sleep regression and I've honestly never sobbed so much in my life.
How old is LO? Mine only recently stopped doing this, or at least doing it less. The reduced frequency actually meant I could then deal with the episodes better when they happened as I wasn't as stressed out from the relentlessness.

Fresh air!! I'm sure you do this already but when she was teeny I got anxious at the thought of taking her out in case she sicked/screamed and what other people would think. Once I got over this and just thought "fuck it" turns out she just settled more. Unless it's absolutely pissing it down we go out every day for a walk, even if it's just round the block. She sleeps better, I can take some deep breaths and it seems to be working.

My upmost sympathies with you but it will get better!!
PS, your DH sounds like a bit of a dick though but I totally get your priority is your children and yourself right now, not worrying about your man child.