ADHD Ruining my relationship - help?

[Icedamericano]

Hi all

long time lurker but braving a post today. please be kind because I’m finding things hard.

I have ADHD. Recently diagnosed (I’m 32).
Always knew I was different but had no idea what ADHD was until diagnosed so learning a lot still.

anyway, I have been with my partner for
13 years. We have a great life. Two children, felt like our relationship was in the best place it’s ever been. You know that on top of the world kind of feeling?

except for my ADHD. I love my partner unconditionally. He’s my world but he’s not very cuddly or touchy feely . Which has meant when someone messages me (guys) I will talk to them. It’s like I’m thrill seeking but with no want to be with or see anyone else. And it’s like I don’t really realise what I’m doing. To me it was just a normal conversation- well the guy made a few flirty comments but he’s an old friend so we chatted casually. I didn’t say anything flirty but I also didn’t shut the conversation off when I should have. My partner saw my phone and is devastated. This same scenario has happened a couple of times in our past when we were younger too. This conversation was literally only a few messages back and forth. We didn’t speak much.

but it’s really ruining my relationship and my poor other half doesn’t deserve this.

im always seeking that kind of dopamine feeling. The thrill and excitement that I think I miss as he’s not touchy with me. I would never physically cheat but this is bad enough

what can I do to help this? Please tell me I’m not the only one? I use social media for my work so I can’t delete it otherwise I would but please help.

Actually it’s quite common for people with ADHD to engage in risky or taboo behaviours that give them the dopamine hit they need.

This can be gambling, substance abuse, dangerous driving, infidelity, self harm, eating disorders etc.

That being said it doesn’t make you blameless, you have to learn to manage your impulses and figure out coping mechanisms for when the urge to engage in this type of behaviour starts.

For me and my ADHD therapy really helped, I accessed mine through a charity at first.

OP i know what you're getting at. The impulsivity and thrill seeking that comes with ADHD. I disagree that that inevitably leads to inappropriate messaging and infidelity as there is more thought, intention and also time put in to making a decision to engage in this sort of behaviour. I think you need to look more closely at your relationship and not write it off as adhd. Seems a bit easy to do that.

Yes, because lack of impulse control and poor choices aren’t linked or a diagnostic criteria

If you were happy OP, you wouldn’t feel the need to do this. Something in the relationship is lacking. ND people find that harder to ignore/not act on, as well as having communication issues.

This absolutely can be a part of ADHD. But you do have a responsibility to curb this.

Erm...that's why she's asking for help

Try cold water swimming. It gives you that high. But without hurting your partner.
It could have everything to do with adhd. But you need to find a way to stop.
Maybe you need a blanket rule? Mine is that I don’t watch tv programs about A&E - because I get obsessed with them. Maybe yours is that you don’t have text conversations with men. Message your other half instead. Tell him you love him or pay him a complement or make plans.

It really is actually, it’s classic thrill seeking. A common trait of the dopamine seeking ADHD brain. It is however OP’s responsibility to channel her thrill seeking feelings into activities/hobbies that don’t jeopardise her relationship.

Yup

Sure, but ADHD isn’t an excuse to, I dunno, drive dangerously fast, is it? For sure some people struggle with impulse control, but some things you don’t do.

If you don’t want to be with someone who isn’t touchy feely then don’t be, no one’s making you stay. By choosing to stay you’re not entitled to a bit of flirty fun to boost your ego, you’re not doing him a favour.

Well this was a massive waste of time. I came here asking for help and 99% of the message are nothing but judgy, rude and unhelpful. What is so bad about your own lives that you feel the need to put other people down?

I am not “self diagnosed”. I have a diagnosis from my doctor, not that it’s your business. Maybe the rest of you need to take some time out to learn what ADHD actually is because impulse control is a factor of it.

im done with this post and il seek help from people who actually care

👋

Impulse control doesn't over ride your knowledge of right and wrong.
I have ADHD and terrible impulse control but I know right from wrong, i know if what I am going to do will upset someone. Don't blame this on your illness like its a green light to hurt people.

But people DO drive dangerously fast!

Of course not @Luredbyapomegranate that's why I wrote ‘it is however op’s responsibility to channel her thrill seeking feelings into activities/hobbies that don’t jeopardise her relationship’ and ‘that being said it doesn’t make you blameless, you have to learn to manage your impulses and figure out coping mechanisms for when the urge to engage in this type of behaviour starts’.

Not that it’s any of your business @TheOtherWoman2 but I have a clinical diagnosis, so no I am not self diagnosed nor an ‘idiot’.

I’ll reserve my sympathy for your poor partner. The one who’s done nothing wrong or hurtful.