ADHD Ruining my relationship - help?

[Icedamericano]

Hi all

long time lurker but braving a post today. please be kind because I’m finding things hard.

I have ADHD. Recently diagnosed (I’m 32).
Always knew I was different but had no idea what ADHD was until diagnosed so learning a lot still.

anyway, I have been with my partner for
13 years. We have a great life. Two children, felt like our relationship was in the best place it’s ever been. You know that on top of the world kind of feeling?

except for my ADHD. I love my partner unconditionally. He’s my world but he’s not very cuddly or touchy feely . Which has meant when someone messages me (guys) I will talk to them. It’s like I’m thrill seeking but with no want to be with or see anyone else. And it’s like I don’t really realise what I’m doing. To me it was just a normal conversation- well the guy made a few flirty comments but he’s an old friend so we chatted casually. I didn’t say anything flirty but I also didn’t shut the conversation off when I should have. My partner saw my phone and is devastated. This same scenario has happened a couple of times in our past when we were younger too. This conversation was literally only a few messages back and forth. We didn’t speak much.

but it’s really ruining my relationship and my poor other half doesn’t deserve this.

im always seeking that kind of dopamine feeling. The thrill and excitement that I think I miss as he’s not touchy with me. I would never physically cheat but this is bad enough

what can I do to help this? Please tell me I’m not the only one? I use social media for my work so I can’t delete it otherwise I would but please help.

Loving all the "you can have "insert neurodiversity here" until you do something unpalatable and then it's nothing to do with your condition" responses!

Risk taking, impulsive, thrill seeking and illegal behaviour are typical symptoms of ADHD whether that's palatable or not to you. It's considered as part of the diagnosis.

It is suspected that about 40% of the prison population have ADHD.

Saying "well you just have to not do it" is very unhelpful. I've battled with sleep procrastination for years. I've tried everything. My ADHD (and being more tired at night so my symptoms are worse) makes it extremely difficult to initiate and complete going to bed! I hate it, it makes it impossible me to function some days or I miss most of a day because I am catching up on sleep. Trying to use "willpower" has had no effect at all. If ADHD could be willed away then it wouldn't be a disorder that needed diagnosing and medicating.

Having said all of that some of the suggestions for the OP such as trying to get the dopamine hit another way might be useful. Also are you medicated OP as that can obviously help temper the risky impulsive behaviours?

One thing that also stands out is whether this relationship is right for you with the lack of physical intimacy? It sounds like something that's important to you. It would be to me too. Is he distant in other ways? He might be a lovely person but if he is making you feel sad and like you need validation elsewhere then maybe it isn't right for you?

Yes, but they don’t often say my ADHD made me do it, and if they did people would call bullshit on that. As they should re the OPs text flirting

I’d focus on addressing your marriage, if I were you.

How many of the posters claiming this is nothing to do with OPs ADHD actually know anything about ADHD?

This is extremely likely to be linked to her ADHD. Dopamine seeking behaviour, poor impulse control etc. In fact I was specifically asked during my diagnosis if I had had any sort of affair as it is common in people with ADHD.

One thing I would say though OP is it does sound like you’re trying to blame your partner for this a little bit by saying he isn’t touchy feely. I would bet good money it would still be happening even if he was.

This thread is fucking disgusting I have to say! And I do not mean the OP.

Absolutely disgraceful for people to come on here and tell the OP that a behaviour is nothing to with her ADHD. I’m not saying what she is doing is right, it isn’t and she clearly knows that but for people to just state the facts that it’s not related to ADHD is just bullshit. You’ve just decided this to be true?!

Well I don't know if the behaviour is related to adhd or not but I am certain if it was OPs partner doing this the response would be almost 100% ltb

It sounds like you know this behaviour is hurtful to your partner but you’re continuing to do it; maybe some therapy would help

For everyone commenting it's not ADHD, I don't think you understand the condition. No it didn't make the OP exchange messages with someone else, but ADHD makes it much more likely that she would due to poor impulse control and risk-seeking tendencies linked to low dopamine levels. OP, I get you. I have ADHD too. Are you medicated at the moment? That can really help with impulse control. Are you seeing a therapist or getting other forms of support? Again, those things really help take the edge of ADHD behaviour. If I were you I'd repost on the ND mumsnetters page. You'll get less traffic but a lot more understanding and potentially some helpful advice. x

Given that our impulse control isn’t the greatest, you find a less ”take a hammer to my life” way of getting the hits you need. By lunchtime at the latest.

Listen, for a while after diagnosis it’s not unusual for us to frolick about suddenly feeling free of “this is my fault”, cos we have “Have ADHD, blame that not me, can’t help it” going on.

Beware this part. It wears thin on everybody who loves & likes you. And your crash back to taking responsibility for your actions is harder the more and longer you lean into it.

There is no post diagnosis Knight in Shining Armour coming to sort your life out cos ADHD = help.

The Knight is you. The Armour is made by you. As you look into all the suggested stratagies that can work for people like us. With some trial & error you ride in to save yourself.

Or you don’t. And end up in a fucked up personal landscape of your own making, blaming ADHD like a repellent to the FuckedUpNess. But still trapped in FuckedUpLandia cos ADHD or not, these are our lives and we make or break them.

Just how fucked up the landscape you slowly drag yourself up and away from depend on exactly how much “blame ADHD not Me” frolicking you do in this stage.

I hope those replying who are telling them what has and hasn’t got to do with adhd actually have adhd themselves. I do and I can relate .

This can 100% be a symptom of ADHD. Especially when in a good, healthy, essentially ‘boring’ to a person with ADHD relationship. It’s the dopamine hit you chase, then when it wears off you realise you shouldn’t have done it and can be really easy to self sabotage.

Why are all these guys messaging you in the first place?

I think the unhelpful responses are from people who are tired of the "cos mental health" excuses for bad behaviour. @AlienatedChildGrown has articulated it particularly well.

I guess you need to find some strategies to deal with it now before it is too late.

to be brutal ? I think your using your adhd as an excuse.

I have adhd too and while you can use adhd to explain why you are tempted to be impulsively repeatedly doing this, when you know the impact on your partner can not be blamed on adhd. Talk to your partner about your needs or leave him to find someone who can give you what you want

Crikey some people are bloody rude.

OP didn't murder someone. She's not even had an affair!

Your poor partner. He deserves better.

Stop blaming ADHD for your own behaviour and choices.

Your poor partner deserves better.

This is a from of an affair. Expending time energy and flirting on someone else is cheating.

I have ADHD.
i am impulsive , I also know I don’t message men because I’m in a relationship.

Not in my book, it isn't. And I don't think this - I didn’t say anything flirty but I also didn’t shut the conversation off when I should have - is a good enough reason to pile on someone like they're a monster when they were asking for help.

Could you find other ways to get that dopamine hit? Chatting with other guys is clearly not helping your relationship at all, but you need to find other diversions so you don’t go back to this. I can sympathise btw, undiagnosed but think it may be behind my impulse control issues too. If you can find other outlets for that need to get a buzz, it will be easier for you to step away from this self sabotaging behaviour.

Your behaviour is disrespectful to your partner and he has all right to leave you.

Take ownership of your faults

You should seek some behaviour counselling to try and reduce your thrill seeking behaviour with other men.

Wow. I'd like to know why my post, and so many others have been deleted.
When reading the thread last night, none of those early posts broke talk guidelines, and I know for sure mine didn't either.

Is there new ruling that sharing your own knowledge and experience isn't allowed if the OP doesn't agree with what you write ?

But it seems your partner does think its an affair/not on. You really don't seem to care about him at all in this. Just how it affects you. That's not ADHD. It's narcissism