To hate parents’ evening?

[freespirit333]

It feels like I am the only one who dreads it, and has never been told my child is a pleasure, a delight, etc etc.

Am I really the only one?

Smells of feet 😂😂😂👏

@Itaintwhatyoudoitsthewaythatyoudoit You’re the parent I envy, I wish I would be told my DC are “fine”!

I actually cried DURING my DC’s last parents’ evening, as I’d heard nothing about their behaviour and therefore assumed it was fine, and was then told he is always getting up from his seat/talking when he shouldn’t be/not listening and so is disruptive. The teacher then actually said “but you’re going to see someone about that soon aren’t you?”, referring to the fact that he’s been referred for an assessment, with a 2.5 year waiting list! Hardly soon, and not quite sure what she then expects to happen, a diagnosis is not going to fix his behaviour in her classroom. No suggestions of what we should do, or what they might do. His school is meant to be outstanding and so far, by year 2 now, I have been so unimpressed with the sheer lack of communication and vagueness about his behaviour.

@freespirit333 I think you need to arrange a meeting with the teacher and ask what strategies they're going to put in place to help your DS

Thanks @ilkleymoorbartat , I have, waiting for a date as they are just so busy as is the SENCO.

I had two with his teacher last year alongside the SENCO, but most of the meeting was taken up with a generic sheet of paper about his likes and dislikes, what works well and what doesn’t. Without agreeing much of a way forward! If the next meeting starts the same way I’m going to have to be quite blunt and say look this hasn’t gotten us anywhere, let’s just be honest about what the situation actually is and what is going to be done, and what will happen if that then doesn’t work.

His current teacher in the meantime has suggested reframing how she speaks to him and asking him to “help” her a lot rather than not to do something, which has apparently worked ok so far. To be that is quite basic and I can’t believe it hasn’t been tried until now, in year 2. DH and I have been militant about reminding him to ask before he leaves his seat in school and enforcing the same at the dinner table.

It’s ridiculous that teachers have to speak in euphemism in case it sets parents off.

I know my children. I know it’s euphemism. I’m quite happy to discuss the reality, share what he’s like at home, and generally work with them. I’d rather start there than have to wade through a pile of euphemism first.

Although now he’s in secondary, it tends to be a teacher rushing through information and less of a conversation anyway. I do wonder if the exercise is just wasting the teachers’ time.

Why don't you take him to the doctor?

@TwitTw00 the doctor? You mean the GP? They don’t diagnose ADHD or any other neurodiversities, it’s a very long wait on a very long list to see a paediatrician and then other HCP (a list which we are on).

I also wish there was more talk and more communication. I know what my child is like at home but I don’t know what they are like in a setting with 30 other children where they are expected to sit and listen for longer than one minute!

You're not the only one. My sons teacher only focuses on his bad points, which there isn't many.
Never focuses on the fact he's above and beyond his peers, just oh little David* did this and it was naughty. Then laughs when I say it's down to boredom because he already knows the work and needs to be challenged because the teacher can't be bothered to set him harder work.

• disclaimer: clearly not his actual name.

I'm a teacher and I don't like them either. I don't plan ahead or use a script but try to talk naturally and have data to hand that parents might be interested in.

What I don't like is that, against my better judgment, I increasingly find myself sugar coating everything because, no matter how kindly or considerately I phrase it, parents really do not like to hear anything negative. It is just not worth being honest because it is always the fault of the other children or me.

Parents’ evening is incredibly tricky to get right. Teaching is such an exhausting job that it’s hard to muster enthusiasm for it after a long day! It is honestly like having 30 mini-interviews. You can’t relax for a second.
That said, I think it helps being a teacher and a parent as I appreciate how important they can be. I always speak positively about every child and try not to jump in with any negatives too soon! I don’t think being quiet is necessarily a character flaw and I don’t think there’s one way to be a child. For the most part, parents are great. All teachers have a few horror stories of rude ones though as I’m sure all parents do of nightmare teachers!

If you are not getting much communication outside of parents evening it is either that he is actually doing ok at school with no significant issues that warrant a phone call or the school has decided that there's no value to talking to you because you are not on board or won't support.

@donttellmehesalive that’s a big assumption given you have no knowledge of the school or our situation. I basically have to ambush teachers outside of school to ask how it’s been, to tell them what we have tried at home etc (last year tried a bit of role play) but it’s very hard with little to no communication.

I'm just trying to help. I was hoping it was the first one and you'd be reassured. If they are not talking to you about his behaviour why are you ambushing them to tell them what you have tried?

The generic paperwork of likes/dislikes and what works and what doesn't is the very beginning of getting to know your child and the beginnings of communication with you and building evidence if there is to be any referrals. Ideally there should be follow ups regularly to this to review any plans set in place. The teacher, SENCO and you as you know your child best will make plans as it's a person centred approach and not just down to the school as continuity is key.

"I had two with his teacher last year alongside the SENCO, but most of the meeting was taken up with a generic sheet of paper about his likes and dislikes, what works well and what doesn’t. Without agreeing much of a way forward! If the next meeting starts the same way I’m going to have to be quite blunt and say look this hasn’t gotten us anywhere, let’s just be honest about what the situation actually is and what is going to be done, and what will happen if that then doesn’t work. "

It's the beginning of the graduated response, usually trying to identify triggers for any behaviour issues.

@donttellmehesalive sadly it’s the only way to get any information about how his behaviour has been, without waiting months for the next very short parents’ evening where I’m conscious of not going over the 10 minutes time slot! They are not forthcoming at all. I get what you mean about maybe it’s not such an issue, but it clearly is as it hasn’t changed by now, year 2. In reception I was willing to accept the teacher’s statement about it being an age thing as I thought she knew best and I suppose in comparison he didn’t stand out so much at age 4-5.

We have already referred DS, via school - the SENCO was happy to do this for me last summer, although it took her about 3 months. The SENCO is now a different one. It’s a big school so understandably plenty of children with more complex needs than my DS, but the result is so far, very little communication.

I'm sorry you feel unsupported op. I really do think that they would be contacting you if there were any significant issues so no news is good news. I expect any behaviour issues are within the bounds of 'normal' and easily managed within the class. Are you not able to ask the teacher how he has been when you pick up? Daily would get wearing but maybe at the end of the week? I wouldn't involve the SENCO if the referral has been done and the class teacher is managing him in the classroom without incident.

Since when did being bored become an excuse for poor behaviour?
This comes across as you blaming the teacher for your child’s poor behaviour. Surely you can’t be surprised if the teacher is a bit defensive and focusing on the negative as a result?

Could you suggest/instigate a home-school communication book? So you can write down anything you want teachers to know and vice versa? They use them at the school my DS goes to and they work really well, especially for those parents who can't always be at school for drop off/pick up.

@Feart it's not actually poor behaviour though, he's just sat there bored complaining he's bored because he's finished the work and they expect him to sit there for half an hour each time and wait for the rest of the class. But the teacher sees it as "bad behaviour" he's not going round throwing things or being nasty. It's a joke.

This is the sort of thing I mean when I say that it is just not worth raising any negatives with some parents. It is always someone else's fault. Disruptive behaviour is either because they are too clever and I'm not challenging them, or really struggling and I'm not helping. Teachers can tell the difference between a child who needs more help or more challenge and one who enjoys the peer feedback they receive from being disruptive.

Ugh I hear you OP.

Several years of them with ASD DS has completely done me in.

I used to go in with such a conscientious attitude, ready to work with the school. But they were gutting. A particular highlight "We can't keep differentiating downwards forever you know"

I didn't realise how much they bothered me until DD (younger child) had a parents evening and I was just overcome with anxiety.

I only got through the door by telling myself: "This is part of being a parent. Sometimes you just have to go and take a telling off. Just suck it up and get through it"

I'm a world away from the person that rocked up to DS's P1 parents evening full of naive enthusiasm and ready to work with the teachers.

exactly!

With all due respect you only have his version of events and are only hearing one side of the story.
From a teacher’s perspective, moaning about being bored is rude and disrespectful. I would like to hear the teacher’s side of this story. I have been teaching for 20 years and it’s always been the expectation that extension tasks are planned for each lesson. No teacher would last very long if they weren’t judged to be meeting the needs of all abilities. I would be very surprised if your child is just sat there with nothing to do for 30 minutes!

Exactly!