To think there’s no hope for our marriage

[BigMama32]

Pre baby together 10 years, married for 1 and could count the amount of arguments we had on my hands.
Now we bicker constantly, we can’t have opposing views with it getting snappy, we resent each other, I suggested counselling and he flat out refused.
I’m nearly 5 months PP and we still haven’t had sex as we have a very clingy high needs baby who is still awake a lot through the night and my hubs is worried about hurting me (bad birth).
4 month sleep regression is definitely exhausting me and I can’t even be arsed to bicker now I’m so wrecked from tiredness.

i don’t see how a marriage recovers from this, AIBU to think this could be it or does it all feel bad because of the stage we’re at with LO?

It really does, ds1 almost sent us to the brink of breaking up - we didn’t, he’s 6.5 now and we even had another when he was 4, it is hard - so so hard: but you’re on the same team and sometimes need to remind youselves (and each other) of that

Presumably you're both just bloody knackered.

When was the last time you sat down and had a Chinese and a bottle of wine and just talked about nonsense?

Did you feel the same - like no light at the end of the tunnel?

before I was pregnant, LO is just such a
horrendous sleeper any free time we just take in turns to sleep

Seems like there’s been excuses not to have sex. But even apart from that, do you make time to be intimate? Even just snuggling on the sofa with a movie?
The LO should be given some perspective to the bickering.

Be kind and patient to each other, this stage will pass I promise

@Cocopogo we try but it just never pans out, LO starts to get very upset after 30 mins without change in environment/activity or a nice baby natter with us - I don’t know how anyone with a baby this age watches a movie or is our little bundle a bit high needs?

Thank you this is reassuring

Oh this is such a tough time for relationships. Many do break down in the early baby years. It’s just incredibly demanding.

If he’s refusing counselling it’s going to be quite hard to both step back and take stock as you’ve got no impartial party to mediate. Doing it yourself you cannot step away from your own perspective and bias - it’s almost impossible.

The one thing that really saved our relationship after kids was improving our communication and saying what we mean. There is no passive aggressive snarking, there are no undertones or subtext.
We set down the foundations that we love each other, we respect each other and if we have issues then we talk them through honestly and without defensiveness. It’s very hard but it does get easier with practice.

You have to agree it though, that you’re on the same side.

after kids everything becomes an argument of who is more tired, who has done more, who is right, who is wrong etc. but really none of that matters (assuming one really isn’t taking on 99% of the work).

What matters is that you work on honest, open respectful communication and you stop thinking the other person is trying to score points.

Also like PPs said, you’ll be absolutely bloody shattered too. If you can then allow each other to have time off. Even if it’s just a bath or going out for a coffee.

If you want to keep your relationship you have to look after each other because that is what stops the resentment building up.

it can be done! I’ve been where you are, as have many of us. It’s brutal but we got through it and now in such an amazing place. Better than ever!

good luck!

You sound exhausted - understandably so.

but no it’s not the end of you do t want it to be. Things will get easier!

thenother posters right about intamacy - you can do other things than have sex. It can take a while to get back to where you were pre baby.

and the comment about a takeaway is true! Get your fave food in, cosy up on the sofa and just be.

it will get better.

Sounds like you were both traumatised by the birth and are now exhausted. I remember many arguments about who was most tired

@Hankunamatata this is it, when I say “God I’m knackered” he says “Well I am too, it’s not a competition” which automatically gets my back up, I’m not trying to compete - just having a moan really 🥴
Yes I think birth was extremely traumatic for him, I barely remember most of it so it was only the physical trauma.

It is hard. I resented my husband at times when my daughter was tiny. I just didn't want to be around him at times. But it is normal, it happens to a lot of other couples. That doesn't make it any less hard though.

It does get better. It takes time, but as baby gets older things will change again

It’s a phase. It happens to the best of us.

it will pass. It’s your new reality but you are both just exhausted and not thinking rationally most of the time even if you think you are

best advice I can give is be a team

It’s impossible to tell until you can sleep properly. It’s staggering how many problems evaporate once you reliably get a 6–8 h stretch each night.

@quitefranklyabsurd @Googlecanthelpme thank you both for writing all this down for me. As you’ve said very hard to be objective or unbiased. Really reassuring to know most couples go through this

It happens with young children. I have had three and each time I thought that’s it. But it passes. It really does. The kids grow and the love grows. It comes back stronger than ever but you need a supportive partner, someone who pulls their weight in the relationship and with the children.

It is so hard, we went through it twice.
Don’t worry too much about sex, but do try to be kind and caring with each other. You’re on the same team, you’re both exhausted and struggling and it is very hard to look after others when your needs aren’t being met.
Is there anyone who could have baby for a few hours? Doesn’t have to be a night, but just so you could go for lunch, or out for tea and cake.

It’s a fairly normal phase! You’ll get through it as a team. Sending hugs x

I assure you OP it feels endless when in it but it’s a fleeting amount Of time that you have both be so selfless and exhausted. Give it time- remember sleep deprivation is torture- you will get your lives back

Yep, it’s a thing. And it will (usually) pass

i remember reading on here when my baby (now a hulking teen)was tiny someone saying ‘no one should be allowed a divorce until the baby is one‘

i thought at the time ‘what a nob’ but …. They were right. That first year is just so.fucking.hard.

still married btw.

Totally normal from a relationship perspective. Have you spoken to your HV about little ones sleep? I remember the 4 month sleep regression as being hell on earth. Including a couple of times I went for a scream and sob in the garage when my DP was at work (baby perfectly safe no one worry). If it is just sleep regression then I promise it passes. But talk to your HV about it, it might be something else causing the issues.

I think this is really normal - and really hard!

FWIW I think sex 5 months postpartum is still quite early. I know lots of people have lochia for a few weeks or even up to three months; if you've had any surgery or stitches you won't be near recovered. And you're absolutely right that you freeze at the merest hint the baby might cry!

I think (and could be wrong!) that the big thing now is that you both feel you're a team, and you're being supported by each other. Can you carve out a lie-in for you? Does he have a patch of alone time with the baby where he can go to a cafe or go for a walk?

Haha I should tell DH about the no divorce for a year I reckon it’d give him a much needed laugh of relief!

@BigMama32 I would say it’s normal to go through this when a new baby arrives! Our DS has just turned one, and DH and I have been having some testing times .. many more than we’ve had before. DH works very long hours and can be away from home for days/weeks at a time, so he’s knackered .. as am I because I have no support network nearby and am doing a lot on my own. We can both be fiery and find it difficult to back down, and little disagreements can get blown out of proportion.

We’ve made an effort to talk things through calmly where we can, and remind each other that we’re still a team. We’re trying to make more of an effort to be nice to each other, arrange to cover mornings for the other to have a lie in when we can. We’ll be ok .. it’s just been harder than anticipated, so I totally understand where you’re coming from! Hope you can work through things ♥️