To think there’s no hope for our marriage

[BigMama32]

Pre baby together 10 years, married for 1 and could count the amount of arguments we had on my hands.
Now we bicker constantly, we can’t have opposing views with it getting snappy, we resent each other, I suggested counselling and he flat out refused.
I’m nearly 5 months PP and we still haven’t had sex as we have a very clingy high needs baby who is still awake a lot through the night and my hubs is worried about hurting me (bad birth).
4 month sleep regression is definitely exhausting me and I can’t even be arsed to bicker now I’m so wrecked from tiredness.

i don’t see how a marriage recovers from this, AIBU to think this could be it or does it all feel bad because of the stage we’re at with LO?

It really will pass….believe it.

In my experience every couple that have had babies together have been through this exact scenario, so you are not alone. There's some very, very good advice on this thread but I will add that you need to prioritise sleep, self-care and self-compassion above all else, and just keep going. This too shall pass.

Sounds like you had a difficult birth. Lots of hospitals offer a 'Birth Reflections' service where you can sit down with a consultant midwife and go through your notes, decisions that were taken, and how it made you feel. I too couldn't remember much of what had happened (and what I did remember wasn't particularly happy). I found this so useful, like therapy. DH shared questions he had in advance too and I recorded the session so he could hear back the answers. Might be worth checking if your hospital offer the service.

Newborn phase is so rough. It is a phase and it will pass, even if it doesn't feel like it now.

I’m trying my very hardest to cling onto that belief. The days seems so long, lonely and full of resentment right now

It will pass, hang on in there. The first 6 months was toughest and things turned a corner for us after that. Very happy now with our kids at 4 at 6 years, it will pass OP.

Worst time of my life was first year of having a baby, I have no idea why people would do it again!

It sounds like at the moment neither of you can cope with hearing the other moan or complain because you're both so caught up in your own difficult time -which perhaps both of you feel the other doesn't really see/understand. Baby has run you out of spoons and you just don't have any left for each other.

I think you both either need to take the tack that 'we're both really finding this a challenge aren't we!' so you're always talking as a team or you need to not talk about what a struggle it at all and have other people you talk to about it instead.

I expect it's the same issues that come up repeatedly so it's worth thinking about what the issues are that you keep bickering about and trying to work out together how to work on them before they come up again.

It's so hard;I had 4 kids in 5 years so had a multitude of baby's and toddlers;I say this to the DH now that I literally do not know how the hell we came through the whole baby/toddler stage as it seems like another lifetime/we weren't the same people we are now.

Those 4 kids are now teenagers;I won't say parenting teens is any easier but it's certainly different;it's nice because myself and DH have a good relationship with them and with each other;plus teenagers love to sleep so that's not an issue anymore.

You both sound so knackered;I don't suppose you have anyone that could have your baby for a few hours so you and your DH can spend some time together and have a little break even if it's just for say 2 hours and you go for a coffee together or even just a McDonald's meal whilst you sit in the car and just chat over a Big Mac?

@thenewduchessoflapland we are exhausted. I slept for an hour total last night, LO exhausted too which means he’s all stressed out during the day so I think our nerves are a bit extra frazzled at the moment.
we don’t have anyone locally really - we might have to look into a more formal babysitter but the idea of leaving our 4mo old with a stranger terrifies me

@Choconut yes it’s the same issues we talk to each other disrespectfully because neither of us have the energy to sugar coat stuff anymore.

I swear for the first year DH and I were clinging onto our marriage by our finger tips - I felt my life was turned upside down while his stayed the same (on reflection not true but felt it at the time) and the sleep deprivation is a recipe for arguments. It improved once DD had a bedtime and we had evenings back.
With our second it actually pulled us together more because I felt like we were in it together and we both knew what we needed from each other and that the grumpy sleep deprivation bit would pass