To think there’s no hope for our marriage

[BigMama32]

Pre baby together 10 years, married for 1 and could count the amount of arguments we had on my hands.
Now we bicker constantly, we can’t have opposing views with it getting snappy, we resent each other, I suggested counselling and he flat out refused.
I’m nearly 5 months PP and we still haven’t had sex as we have a very clingy high needs baby who is still awake a lot through the night and my hubs is worried about hurting me (bad birth).
4 month sleep regression is definitely exhausting me and I can’t even be arsed to bicker now I’m so wrecked from tiredness.

i don’t see how a marriage recovers from this, AIBU to think this could be it or does it all feel bad because of the stage we’re at with LO?

Had the same

Both had to sit down and have a chat and say what we felt without putting blame on the other person and trying to avoid the 'you always do this' or 'well that's your fault because...'. Having a baby was so much harder than either of us imagined and the lack of free time was a huge struggle for both of us. I'd recommend faking it til you make it - even when you have to grit your teeth and stop yourself from screaming, be polite and act like you're interested in each other, hold hands even when its awkward when you're carrying baby stuff around, have a random hug etc. Work out triggers for arguments and see if there is a solution to avoid them. It feels weird at first but when the tension goes because you're not expecting a fight all the time, things get better. We also sleep trained after 7 months and it really helped having some time to ourselves in the evening again just to watch tv together and be on our own without the baby. Lastly try and get out with friends or to do hobbies even if you're knackered, it makes you feel a bit more like your old self. Also if he can do any share of paternity leave I think that helps, give a different perspective, and stops feelings of resentment etc.

I have to say though that me and my husband were as bad as each other at bickering etc. What you've described (and appreciate its just a snapshot) is you saying your tired (fair enough) and your husband being incredibly defensive (how could he possibly think you are trying to make it a competition, unless it was in response to him saying he is tired and you saying 'no, it's me that's tired'). And it sounds like you doing things to improve he situations (coming on here, suggesting counselling) and him shutting it down. Do you think he could be depressed? If he is just an arsehole then nothing you can do will improve that

I'm seven years down the line and we never came out the other side. Our parenting styles clash, and we constantly bicker.

We frequently had shouting matches when DS1 was tiny. It’s so rough when you’re not sleeping. We’ve just had a cold as a whole family and everyone slept badly and DH and I started snapping at the kids and each other!

So it is completely normal to go through what you’re going through. As other pp have said what really helps DH and I is sitting down after and chatting about it, discussing our feelings and reflecting on it all. Easier said than done when you’re knackered but we know it’s the only thing saving our sanity and our relationship! But obviously both of you need to be willing to do this.

Really feel for you and hope you get some more sleep soon. I try to look at my DH every day and remind myself of something I love about him, some periods of life you have to actively choose to love your OH and I think the baby stage is one of them! You can get through this :)

All normal, it's hard having a tiny baby. I was with my husband for 10 years before children came along, it tested us so much (still does!). I think the fact we were together so long pre children we realised the difficulties were circumstances. I love him more than ever but 3 children deep it's hard, our fallouts are just about stupid things and both being exhausted, we both work ft and have a 1, 4 and 6 year old. I challenge anyone to not find it tough!! Your relationship changes dramatically going from 0-1 children, it's amazing in many ways, but your relationship does change and not all for the better (it comes back though, that initial fog is the hardest) throw in a tough recovery after the birth, very tough. I've had 2 amazing births and 1 terrible that took a year to recover from (my third), it was so much harder, i get it.

It's not just you anyway, it's hard but it gets better honest.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick yes, he is depressed and currently under care of his GP for it but won’t engage in counselling. I know depression is a beast all on it’s own to tackle, let alone with becoming a new parent and financially responsible for the household. I’m not excusing some of the behaviour but I can’t certainly understand the stressors

My situation is very similar - together 10 years, married 1 then baby came along. I've only just started seeing light at the end of the tunnel now baby sleeps through the night (I know I'm very lucky in that regard and also that it likely won't last long!).
In the evening we still barely have chance to have a conversation as baby requires a lot of attention, but not being tired all the time really helps as we are no longer constantly irritable with each other. In the first couple of months I thought we had made a massive mistake thinking having a baby would be ok, but now I can see that it is going to be!

I feel like me and DH only came out of this phase around 12/18months when my breastfeeding cut right down and I was less tired and hormonal. I really disliked him up to that point and felt trapped and like you say, everything felt quite bleak and drudgery. However now DD is 2 things are loads better. Still tired don't get me wrong but I feel like me again. And I feel like DH doesn't piss me off just for existing now which is nice as it was an awful irrational feeling.

Also another one who was with their DH for 10 years before a baby

Ooh, I remember the competing over who was most tired!
Your situation is normal - remember the pre bubba years and talk about them and remember how you fell in love. Your love is still there just under a fog of knackeredness!
We sleep trained at 6mths once we'd started weaning - a full baby def sleeps better. It gets easier, promise (when you love each other!)

Oh goodness, @BigMama32 , it's so much more common than you think!

DP and I had been together 12 years before we had a child and I spent the first year of the baby's life trying to remind myself I did actually love my partner, despite the urge to stab/kill/leave/ignore him. It's a massively stressful time.

We've been together 35 years now and that first year of parenthood and the first year of second child were the worst.

oh my gosh thank you, some days I am so irrationally peeved at him because of the moat ridiculous things. Tonight his ring doorbell alert went off and woke up our son who is still awake two hours later - annoying yes, should I be furious that he hadn’t muted his phone yet, no. But inside I was seething with (what I know is) irrational anger

Totally normal when you have a young baby... Though, be warned, in our case it took closer to 2 years to get back on track... Life became all about the baby, as it should. Good luck x

I was with my ex for 10 years too before we had my eldest - split before he was 3.

Should also say ours was a high needs no sleep baby.

@InsertPunHere wow that speaks volumes that it really is hard if you still
remember it as such 35 years later! Thank you for the reassurance

I just had twins who are baby 3&4 and I actually said to DH last week about how well we have been getting on compared to after DC1.

It's really hard when you're adjusting to becoming a parent for the first time. Sleep deprivation and stress just causes stupid arguments and tempers flare. I remember DH storming out of the house at 4am and going to work to sleep in the staff room when he didn't start his shift till 7am because baby was screaming and then we started arguing!

Also twins are 11 weeks and we haven't even thought about sex. I'll never understand people who have Irish twins 😂

I think a lot of couples have some really dark times with small children.I think the poster saying no divorce until a child is 1 has hit the nail on the head really. So much is up in the air and many people don’t cope v well with sleep deprivation. We also used to try and have an amnesty on any bitchy things said to each other between 11pm and 7am.

Ohh I know this. My first woke up every 40-60 minutes until nearly 2 and he started waking every 2 hours. My second was an even worse sleeper but generally easier in the day.

The first (who is btw, an absolutely AMAZING human being who sometimes I look at and think “Thank God I brought you into the world”) was hard work in the day - he was really only happy in the sling whilst I was moving. I literally spent the first year walking around the hallway all day every day. He hated everything else in the world.

So-

1. Sometimes the Chinese and the wine a Pp mentioned feels is good, it’s worth it to eat it with a baby asleep on your lap who wakes up to feed constantly. Just find a way.
2. I don’t know how your baby enjoys their day - as I mentioned, in the sling whilst moving was the only thing for us - but just try and do that with your DH? So DH and I would go on so many walks on weekends just to talk and talk and talk. We also took some boat trips, as random as that sounds, because the baby (still in the sling) seemed to like that movement.

Ah, we wanted to kill each other from the shock of the lack of tiredness, I think he was a bit traumatised by the huge PPH I had whilst off my face on late administered pethidine (story for another day) and it was HARD. Then we had another one a bit by accident so two under two but it’s made us really. Just try and get your baby used to sleeping on his own a bit and it’ll get easier.

Lack of sleep! Not tiredness. I’m still tired now! 🤪

It will. Those first months are SO HARD! Your lives have changed massively. Add in Sleep deprivation and lack of intimacy.

Give yourselves time. Try to be kind. Things will get better. Then you'll have another baby. Upheaval won't be as big. But the bickering will be back. Just on a lesser extent. And you'll recover again 😂. Repeat by number of children you plan on having.

I've been there. My child is only 2.5. We are still knackered as toddler years have proved harder for us. Things have come to a head a few times when we've thought, can we survive this. But I know we will.

My advice for what it's worth is:

• start by agreeing your shared vision. You ultimately love each other and want to have a happy family together in the future.
• assuming that is still the case and you are both in the same page then you can overcome this.
• Start every discussion with reinforcing your stated vision
• then allow each other to rant about how you feel. Don't interrupt each other, just listen.
• both try to to use "I feel" language, rather than "you always".
• really listen to each other and accept how the other feels, knowing it's not a competition.
• value each other for each others contribution and efforts.

It's tough but if you do share your vision then you'll get through.

I found somewhere after 6 months it got easier. Gradually improved. Ups and downs along the way. Teeth. Illnesses etc. I remember being in the thick of it (twice!). Even the second time, I felt like it would never end. The baby would never sleep! Both girls, by 12 months sleeping through etc. & they were both awful sleepers in their own rights.

Men can suffer with postnatal depression too. It's a difficult time for them. For us. I breastfed and both mine only wanted me. Which I know hurt him. They can feel pushed out etc.

Your marriage is not over but you both need to work in it . No marriage without sex will last , and no marriage without even a bit if time together can last . It’s normal for relationships to end rocky after a baby , specially if it’s a new baby to both of you as it’s all so new and scary .
Make the effort , talk it through , spend time together even if only 20 minutes in each others arms cuddling while watching tv , have a bath or shower together , go out for lunch . That baby stage is just a stage and things get easier