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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hire professional cleaners for my friend's house

63 replies

CanStopWillStop · 03/11/2022 13:44

My best friend is one of those people on the 'filthy house' programmes.

Cat wee smell, hair everywhere, kitchen with filthy mouldy pots overspilling the sink. She does tidy up and clean, but obviously her house is in need of a deep, deep clean and purge.

I have know her for 6 years, but she moved house 3-4 years ago, which is when I noticed just how bad things got. Her old house could shut the kitchen off to guests, but her new house the bathroom is through the kitchen so it's much more obvious how bad things are when I've visited. She has two kids (21, & 17) and I feel for them all living in squalor.

They are always clean and nice-smelling as individuals, but I don't go to her house anymore, especially since having my child, as I believe her house is a health hazard and I'd be scared to eat/drink there. I haven't been inside for about 3 years now, but I have seen from the doorway how bad it is.

I want to help her, and I've found an 'extreme cleaning' service that would probably cost £2-300 but I imagine would transform her life. I want to book it for her but not sure how to do/approach it. We've never spoken about the state of her house before and so I don't want her to feel embarrassed or like I'm judging because I love her deeply.

How do I go about this?

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 03/11/2022 13:48

I guess the issue is she doesn't have either the skills or the wish to keep a house clean. If you paid for the deep clean it would only get bad again unless someone paid for a regular clean or she and the children committed to regular cleaning.

Do you know the children to talk to? If they agreed to take on some of the regular jobs, perhaps you could pose it as a Xmas pressie or something you won?

Realistnotpessimist · 03/11/2022 13:49

I don't think you can do this without offending her to be honest.
Could you start a conversation about hating cleaning your house and see where it leads. If she says she hates cleaning hers you could maybe a day or so later say you've got her a clean as an early Christmas present.

MaggieMagpie357 · 03/11/2022 13:50

Does she ever mention the state of her house to you? If not then I'd imagine she's happy living in squalor! Bringing it up could potentially end your friendship so you might want to consider if it's that important to you.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/11/2022 13:51

It's a very kind thing to want to do - but, from experience of growing up somewhere like that, it would be a complete waste of money. The payment would have barely cleared your bank account before she'd be leaving a puddle of cat piss on the carpet and ignoring the pan of food on and over the hob because 'it's been cleaned'.

It is truly the children that suffer in these environments. Is the school aware that they live in a shit tip? They should be.

Original poster
CanStopWillStop · 03/11/2022 13:53

@MuggleMe brooding teens unfortunately with no interest in chatting to me lol
I do worry about that though, I just thought a refresh might make it east for her to keep on top of it all.

@Realistnotpessimist great idea actually!

@MaggieMagpie357 she never mentions that it's awful, but she does talk about cleaning and decluttering, so I know she tries to at least. But it's beyond a quick tidy round, carpets need steaming etc

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 03/11/2022 13:53

Aaaw bless you, what a lovely friend you are. However, if it is as bad as you say it is then there is no way even a £300 clean is going to do the job. Plus, if she doesn't keep on top of it and carry on being clean then within a matter of weeks it will be just as bad.

It's not nice to live in squalor but at 17 and 21 her kids are old enough to clean it, and it doesn't sound like they are.

If she is a good friend then you should be able to talk to her about her house. Just tell her you love her and worry about her living like that. Maybe she will be grateful for the intervention and maybe she won't but really it's your only option. Don't book anything without her agreement. is she struggling with her mental health?

TirisfalPumpkin · 03/11/2022 13:54

Are we talking an actual hoarding disorder, or not excess possessions but just mess / poor hygiene?

the former, you’re not going to fix with a clean and no attention to the underlying psychological issues.

you are a good friend for wanting to help, though.

Whataboutno · 03/11/2022 13:54

Can you be my friend please 😁 I won't be offended 😅

Original poster
CanStopWillStop · 03/11/2022 13:55

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/11/2022 13:51

It's a very kind thing to want to do - but, from experience of growing up somewhere like that, it would be a complete waste of money. The payment would have barely cleared your bank account before she'd be leaving a puddle of cat piss on the carpet and ignoring the pan of food on and over the hob because 'it's been cleaned'.

It is truly the children that suffer in these environments. Is the school aware that they live in a shit tip? They should be.

I can see that the kids may suffer, I saw the kids bedrooms the other day, the son's room was the tidiest room in the house, and the daughters looked like a bomb had gone off in there... I don't know what to do or say.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 03/11/2022 13:55

They should all muck in. Is their any mental health issue?

You need to sit them all down and tell them that teh house stinks and they need to sort it. Tell them you will help them. So a rota. Who does what

TurquoiseBeach · 03/11/2022 13:56

Realistnotpessimist · 03/11/2022 13:49

I don't think you can do this without offending her to be honest.
Could you start a conversation about hating cleaning your house and see where it leads. If she says she hates cleaning hers you could maybe a day or so later say you've got her a clean as an early Christmas present.

This, or even say you are considering hiring someone to do a deep clean yourself.

Original poster
CanStopWillStop · 03/11/2022 13:57

I don't think she has mental health issues, but her sister passed away around the time that I noticed her house slipping, so perhaps it's exacerbated the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
CanStopWillStop · 03/11/2022 13:58

And I imagine the 21yo DS has a tidy room for his female friends to visit... but it seems they aren't helping with the rest of the house

OP posts:
PinkArt · 03/11/2022 14:04

You approach it in the way you'd want someone to approach something they felt needed improving about your life. So if they felt you could be earning more, you'd rightly be offended if they just applied for a different job for you. Or if they felt you should lose weight, they signed you up to weight watchers.
You can't go in all guns blazing and tell another grown adult you've booked a cleaner for their house! But you can talk to your friend gently about how you are concerned about their MH and how it might be affecting their environment and see if she is open to your help.

CoveredInCobwebs · 03/11/2022 14:05

I once got a cleaner to do a deep clean for my friend BUT (a) she normally keeps on top of things, she was just temporarily overwhelmed because of various things going on and (b) she had been pretty much crying to me about how much it was upsetting her. So, a bit of a different situation.

It's a very kind thing that you're suggesting but you need to firstly work out if she really wants it, and then work out if you will be upset if you pay this money and the house reverts to its old state in a few weeks.

dworky · 03/11/2022 14:11

Don't even consider it.

Summerfun54321 · 03/11/2022 14:18

You sound lovely but she clearly has issues if it’s as bad as you say. A single blitz isn’t going to change that and you’ll end up resenting her for letting it get messy again. She isn’t going to suddenly see it tidy and clean and a switch will flick and she changes. That’s not how mental health problems work unfortunately.

usernamenotaccepted · 03/11/2022 14:19

If you haven't been inside the house for three years how did you see inside the bedroom?

Name99 · 03/11/2022 14:22

Maybe with a periscope

Georgeskitchen · 03/11/2022 14:22

My sister had a problem like this . I offered to help many times but she declined. When she became ill I did help her to get the place cleaned, but it was an uphill struggle to get her to throw out a lot of useless stuff. She did have some mental health problems.
OP, your friend sounds in a similar situation and I think you should have a conversation with her, and offer help.
Also, her "kids" are 21 and 17, not 11 and 7, they should be pulling their weight

ICanHideButICantRun · 03/11/2022 14:24

I doubt anyone would do that job for so little money. It would take days, surely?

BingBangBollocks · 03/11/2022 14:24

Unless it comes into normal conversation I wouldn't mention it

ICanHideButICantRun · 03/11/2022 14:24

And it would need a skip, too.

Name99 · 03/11/2022 14:26

If the house is as bad as you say, it's not normal behaviour, cleaning it is like putting a sticky plaster on a broken leg

She needs psychological help, the behaviours will just return

gogohmm · 03/11/2022 14:30

With a 17&21 year olds plus you and her you could spend the day blitzing it - by involving them but also helping them get on top, they are more likely to keep it up afterwards