to hire professional cleaners for my friend's house

[CanStopWillStop]

My best friend is one of those people on the 'filthy house' programmes.

Cat wee smell, hair everywhere, kitchen with filthy mouldy pots overspilling the sink. She does tidy up and clean, but obviously her house is in need of a deep, deep clean and purge.

I have know her for 6 years, but she moved house 3-4 years ago, which is when I noticed just how bad things got. Her old house could shut the kitchen off to guests, but her new house the bathroom is through the kitchen so it's much more obvious how bad things are when I've visited. She has two kids (21, & 17) and I feel for them all living in squalor.

They are always clean and nice-smelling as individuals, but I don't go to her house anymore, especially since having my child, as I believe her house is a health hazard and I'd be scared to eat/drink there. I haven't been inside for about 3 years now, but I have seen from the doorway how bad it is.

I want to help her, and I've found an 'extreme cleaning' service that would probably cost £2-300 but I imagine would transform her life. I want to book it for her but not sure how to do/approach it. We've never spoken about the state of her house before and so I don't want her to feel embarrassed or like I'm judging because I love her deeply.

How do I go about this?

Please dont waste your money, from experience I have learned that they will have it back to their usual pigsty before you know it. You will get no thanks. It would break my heart to spend that amount of money, money that I worked hard for, just to for it to be wasted on something that they won't be grateful for.

The "children" are adults (I'm counting 17 as an adult in the context of housework and ability to pull their weight).

These are three adults who are choosing to live in squalor.

It's very sad that your friend lives like this and I imagine her mental health is in the toilet. Usually people's living conditions are a fairly reliable indicator of their mental health IME. And likely the children have learned extremely bad habits and had this level of filthiness normalised throughout their lives. But you can't change any of that by paying £200 for a one-off cleaner and you are simply likely to alienate her and make her feel ashamed.

I think of you really want to help, look at the reasons behind the behaviour and don't mention the state of the house at all.

This is a terrible idea.
Does she have a dishwasher? That would be a much better use of 300pounds if she’s not already got one.

It's got absolutely nothing to do with you. I'm sure she's well aware of the state of her house, but the motivation to tackle it has to come from her.

The children though grown up, will not be able to deal with it. They will have been trained, for want of a better word, to ignore the awfulness; any past attempt to sort the communal living areas will possibly have been met with fury. I speak from experience. Your money better spent helping the adult children escape. I am not joking.

@Name99 or maybe the Op has an extraordinarily long neck.

I think there is a very high likelihood that your friend is suffering from depression or other mh problems. I agree with pp, from personal experience, the house will only go back the way it was before (particularly if there’s cats or other pets in the house) - if it’s as bad as you say the problem is that your friend can’t cope and a deep clean probably won’t change much. If you are close, talk to her and maybe suggest that she should see her gp or a mh professional. If she’s on board, you could also offer to pay for the cleaner because it would certainly be nicer to live in a clean house in the meanwhile but if she hides the mess, she may not want cleaners to see it either tbh. I would also prepare myself for the possibility that she might not appreciate you bringing it up at all. People can be understandably embarrassed and defensive in this situation. She may not even be depressed and is just not bothered with housework 🤷‍♀️ Definitely don’t lead with the cleaner, just tell her you’re concerned and ask if there’s anything you can do to help. Play it by ear and suggest the cleaner if she seems receptive.

Why should he?

In any case, again, using my own experiences here, if he'd tried, he would have been told it

a) was annoying, stop it
b) wasn't good enough - LOOK! YOU'VE MISSED A BIT! See, you aren't so special after all.
c) you can do it for good now if you think you're so special (with an immediate return to a&b if he tried)
d) who do you think you are looking down your nose at me when you made all the mess in the first place?
e) it's my house and if you don't like it, you can find somewhere else to live
f) I'm cleaning it, stop messing it all up
g) punched in the side of the head for interfering
h) no sooner had it been done, it was trashed again
i) DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF
j) I'll just get the cat put to sleep, shall I? And then you'll make your sister cry.
k) it's a statement upon class, darling. One does not clean because after a while, it doesn't get any worse. Only common people clean.
l) I just need more storage
m) I need some storage to put the storage in
n) the storage isn't right, so I've bought extra storage. No, why would I want to get rid of the storage that wasn't right? It'll be fine if it's used to store things in.
o) don't move things, you'll mess them up.
p) I like it like this.
q) you're weird, you freaky cleaning nut. I knew I should have got you tested for OCD.

etc, etc, etc.

NeverDropYourMooncup v good post.

My friend lives like this. It breaks my heart. I had an opportunity to blitz her house once - she was taken into hospital and her dog was on her own for several hours until I could go and collect her, so I had the excuse of saying 'Oh, she messed on the carpet so I've rug-doctored it, and I didn't want you coming home to dirty dishes'. I left the downstairs and the bathroom spotless (it took an entire weekend but I didn't go into bedrooms) and she was incredibly grateful, but it was as bad as ever within a couple of weeks. I've just had to accept that that's how she is, for now at least.

This is a very good question actually.

An equivalent clean in my area cost £3500 so I doubt if you'll get it for much less.

Neverdropyourmooncup makes some excellent points. The kids could have been genuinely trying for years to sort it out....ultimately it is OP's friend who 'control's the property and the state that it's in.
I wouldn't waste your money at this point, maybe try and have a conversation and establish why the property is in such a state - does she have too little time? Poor mental health etc and proceed from there.

I think you should keep out of it. Nothing to do with you and she is obviously well aware of her living conditions.

Please organise it for me! 3 young kids, 1 cat, 2 kittens and a dog mean my house is a mess! I’d appreciate it I don’t like living in this mess!

I’m a cleaner and have a client who has three grown up children and a toddler. House is the pits and I do what I can but they have more dogs and cats than I can count. Some people just don’t care how dirty their house is.
Well I suppose they care to the point they’ve hired me but from one week to the next it’s like a bomb has went off.

£300 sounds very optimistic

Bit late for the kids really - their childhoods are over and sounds like they won’t have been taught how to clean etc. Hopefully they move out soon and learn for themselves. Surprised 21y would bring a girlfriend back if it’s really that bad!

Next time she brings up cleaning and needing to do things. Ask if you can help.

I did this with a friend and it was like a rocket up here arse. We spent a day just sorting cupboards and cleaning her kitchen, took bin bags to the top. She did the rest of her house herself.

it might be the only help she needs, a little understanding and help.

I think you'd do better just talking to her as any change has to come from her and she sounds very depressed.

Go go gadget neck

I know someone like this.
It doesn't matter what you do, it'll be back in the same state very soon after.
The house isn't the problem, the person is.
A cleaner said no to her because of the mess.

@NeverDropYourMooncup Im sorry 😞

What's the point? It'll just end up the same. Unless you want to stump up for a daily cleaning service.

How do you say to a friend something that amounts to your home is a health hazard and I want to pay an industrial cleanup crew to come in in hazmat suits and blast the fuck out of this rancid hole without causing offence?

You can't

I had a quote to have ny kitchen deep cleaned and it is already clean but wanted to pay someone to clean in cupboard / top of cupboards and all around etc and that was over £100 so £2-300 prob won't get as much done as you think

I can’t see it being £300, deep clean whole house. I paid £40 to get my cooker cleaned a couple of months ago!