to hire professional cleaners for my friend's house

[CanStopWillStop]

My best friend is one of those people on the 'filthy house' programmes.

Cat wee smell, hair everywhere, kitchen with filthy mouldy pots overspilling the sink. She does tidy up and clean, but obviously her house is in need of a deep, deep clean and purge.

I have know her for 6 years, but she moved house 3-4 years ago, which is when I noticed just how bad things got. Her old house could shut the kitchen off to guests, but her new house the bathroom is through the kitchen so it's much more obvious how bad things are when I've visited. She has two kids (21, & 17) and I feel for them all living in squalor.

They are always clean and nice-smelling as individuals, but I don't go to her house anymore, especially since having my child, as I believe her house is a health hazard and I'd be scared to eat/drink there. I haven't been inside for about 3 years now, but I have seen from the doorway how bad it is.

I want to help her, and I've found an 'extreme cleaning' service that would probably cost £2-300 but I imagine would transform her life. I want to book it for her but not sure how to do/approach it. We've never spoken about the state of her house before and so I don't want her to feel embarrassed or like I'm judging because I love her deeply.

How do I go about this?

Why aren't the grown up kids doing anything?

Repeating a post from NeverDropYourMooncup:

This is a variety of what the adult children might hear if they tried step in:

a) was annoying, stop it
b) wasn't good enough - LOOK! YOU'VE MISSED A BIT! See, you aren't so special after all.
c) you can do it for good now if you think you're so special (with an immediate return to a&b if he tried)
d) who do you think you are looking down your nose at me when you made all the mess in the first place?
e) it's my house and if you don't like it, you can find somewhere else to live
f) I'm cleaning it, stop messing it all up
g) punched in the side of the head for interfering
h) no sooner had it been done, it was trashed again
i) DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF
j) I'll just get the cat put to sleep, shall I? And then you'll make your sister cry.
k) it's a statement upon class, darling. One does not clean because after a while, it doesn't get any worse. Only common people clean.
l) I just need more storage
m) I need some storage to put the storage in
n) the storage isn't right, so I've bought extra storage. No, why would I want to get rid of the storage that wasn't right? It'll be fine if it's used to store things in.
o) don't move things, you'll mess them up.
p) I like it like this.
q) you're weird, you freaky cleaning nut. I knew I should have got you tested for OCD.
etc, etc, etc.

Yes to what mooncup said - DPs mother is like this and she wouldn't even let him clean his own room, it really hit a nerve for her. She also used to get annoyed with me having a bath if i stayed there for a few days which I still dont understand....I upset her by drinking bottled water as apparently that meant her cups weren't clean enough for me and I was a snob. Her cups were full of fag ash. It's a lovely thought op but there's a good chance it won't end well

I have hoarder/old sufferer in my extended family.
Keep your money. Arrange to meet her outside her home

If you hadn't said she moved recently, I'd have thought you were on about my mum. I completely understand your concerns, however, don't bother for a few reasons:

Those £2-300 cleans won't cover this.
It will be a mess again before you know it
She won't change and doesn't have the time or inclination to change.

I would discuss it with her. See if there are any hints and tips you could offer. My mums house is full of shit that could never be needed and she is endlessly sorting and cleaning but none of it goes anywhere. I won't eat there and I won't let her touch anything I will eat.

I have a friend like this but she seems perfectly happy with her house. I wouldn't want to impose my standards on another person. I do wonder how she manages but that's all. She has young kids too, but they are clean and well looked after so that's all that matters.

If she's moved not that long ago, how long did it take to get into that state? It must have been relatively clean when they moved in?

I think if she has actually mentioned cleaning and decluttering to you and youre quite close, could you offer to help her out decluttering

My mother was somewhat like that.
She had a bad cockroach infestation too.
The only time I was able to clean it was when she was in hospital. I was at least able to get the place treated, carpets cleaned, bathroom and kitchen cleaned.

I don't think it'll do much good unless she truly declutters and gets rid of most of the pets.

Mess / muck / filth is relative. We only have OP’s beliefs to go on..:. Maybe the place isn’t as bad as a hoarders, maybe it is. Maybe the friend is totally happy with how things are and there aren’t any genuine problems with it.
Or maybe it’s somewhere in between: maybe the place is fairly bad, the friend is fairly unhappy with it …. But either way, unless the OP & her friend have ever had a conversation about it, it’d be TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE and over-stepping for the OP to swoop in an “fix” what she determines to be a problem by arranging & paying for a deep clean!

Id personally LOVE to arrange a deep clean for my house (which is fair-to-middling) but I’d be MORTIFIED if a friend took it upon themselves to decide my house was rank and pay for a deep clean for me without consultation!!!! 🤯

Awww I had a friend like this. She would have been embarrassed to accept paid for cleaners. But she would let me help her, I used to do all the washing up for her whenever I went round. Would soon return to the sky high pile but she was an exhausted single mum and I know some people manage juggling everything but some people just don't.

I think PP are correct, be careful not to offend & accept it will be money down the drain most likely even if you do do this. Plus a lot of 'average' cleaners might run a mile anyway.

I'd not mention it to her,could be the end of your friendship.

As strange as it sounds some people have no issues living like you describe.

The older children could make a massive difference, if the dirt bothered them, it obviously doesn't.

My sympathy doesn't extend in this situation I'm afraid. There are 3 fully grown people, two of them adults, living in a shithole and no, I don't think you should be paying for it to be deep cleaned if they can't be arsed to do it themselves. I have a relative whose home is in a similar situation to the extent that their young children are on the ss's watch list. Their parents' mental health is apparently too poor to clean or work, but not bad enough to spend the weekends in night clubs or weekdays on their PlayStation. Sorry I know I'm projecting here, but it makes me mad.