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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's entirely possible that although my H works part time, I end up with the lion's share of work

23 replies

2sugars · 29/01/2008 06:13

H works p/t - drops dds off to school and picks them up. We have one car which H usesand dds don't like the bus, so this makes sense.

However, my day is spent (sad I know) food shopping, housework, sometimes cooking etc, basically all the dross that goes into running a home/caring for a family.

When dds get home everything - and I mean everything, apart from dd2's bedtime story - is left to me.

I get up at 5.00am just to have an hour or so of me time, and go to bed at the same time as dds. At best, after they've been bathed, I have an hour from 8-9 to myself, which isn't in fact to myself as dds quite rightly want attention/fuss/interaction with me at that time.

H will do housey/gardeny things at the w/e, but that's about it.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

XAliceInWonderlandX · 29/01/2008 07:28

my day sounds similar

i also got up really early today,can you not swop some of the day to day things it is the same things over again that gets to me

Dh has our car as his hours vary

And my ds is home everyday

Hope today is brighter for you

Original poster

2sugars · 29/01/2008 07:36

Aw, thanks AIW. It's the guilt that goes with it - I have two happy, healthy, mostly gorgeous girls () and yet most of my day is, frankly, repetitive and boring. Instead of thinking I'm lucky to have a dishwasher, I think 'If I have to empty that thing one more effing time I'll end up in a funny farm'. Or walking down more-boring-than-watching-paint-dry Road EVERY day with my shopping.

OP posts:

XAliceInWonderlandX · 29/01/2008 07:43

i hate my dishwasher

tis simply delaying another job esp when no one else empties it

make yourself something nice for lunch
and take care

think of us we have bob the builder in german on at the mo that does drive you loopy

Tommy · 29/01/2008 07:54

YANBU - unfortunately, this is the way it seems to be.

I now that I am lucky in the my DH and I have established (in theory at least ) that the house and children are both of our repsonsibilities - we both do it although I do more of it while he is at work.

The house and family is a 24 hour job so when he comes home from work, he has to pitch in and do his share as well.

I know how you feel in the "time to yourself" point - I have to point out to my DH that he has at least 2 hours to himself every day - in the car to and from work. At least he can listen to the radio or music that he wants to etc. It's the major thing that I find hard about being at home

Jackstini · 29/01/2008 08:02

YANBU but it depends if you think there is any chance of it changing. Does dh know how you feel?
Meanwhile, do a big shop online and get it delivered, iron to your favorite film, hoover to your favorite tunes and make sure you give yourself breaks as you would have if you were at paid work.

2sugarsagain · 29/01/2008 09:05

I don't know how he can fail to see it J, I think he chooses to ignore it. He is of the 'women's work' mentality - probably not intentionally, he is quite a few years my senior.

XAliceInWonderlandX · 29/01/2008 09:21

he does benefit from all you do
and to want your home nice is pleasant for everyone

or so i tell myself

mind you i have gone on cooking strike this week

2sugarsagain · 29/01/2008 09:23

Well, AIW, it's 9.25, dds have gone to school, and I've done nothing since.

Fear he's not going to see much benefit today

XAliceInWonderlandX · 29/01/2008 09:25

will he notice

dh only spots the very obvious

Ripeberry · 29/01/2008 09:39

Sounds like a typical day for any woman really.
My days especially on a Friday run like this
Get up with kids at 7am, DH stays in bed until 8.15am
Take DDs to school and pre-school.
Go to town to do shopping (food)
Come home, manage to have half an hour on internet.
Collect youngest DD from playschool, make her lunch
Play with her for a bit or go for a walk if nice.
Collect DD1 from school
Give them tea and start doing some tidying, which is a waste of time as they mess up the whole house anyway.
Spend a couple of hours with the children and trying to stop them killing the kitten!
By 5pm start cooking dinner for DH
Sit down with DDs by 5.40, DH's dinner in the oven.
By 6.30pm hubby back home, i leave house at 6.40 to go to work as a home carer and usually see to 7 clients, home by 11pm.
And then i go upstairs put on my pyjamas have a Horlicks and i'm in bed by 11.30pm as i've got to get up for work at 5.30am! for Saturday and i'm not home until 2pm.
P.S by the way i'm giving up the job soon as its killing our familly life to be honest.
But in reallity i do EVERYTHING in the home, the gardening, looking after the animals (2Xcats, chickens, fish and cockatiels), do all the washing, cleaning, hoovering, chopping wood (cos i like it) and yes i get very bored of it sometimes but at least DH deals with the bins, does the DIY and does the heavy digging in the garden on the veg patch.
We should all be gratefull we don't live in a 3rd world country where hard graft is a fact of life, bet lots of African/Asian women would love to have time to themselves as well.
Just the thought of the day
AB

posieflump · 29/01/2008 09:43

blimey Ripeberry, I'm not surprised you are giving up work!!

to the OP why don't you get up when your girls get up and then spend a couple of hours with your dh in the evening?

bozza · 29/01/2008 09:48

TBH I don't altogether get this. You have two DDs at school and don't work. Surely you can arrange this so that you have some time to yourself. What is it that you are wanting your husband to do, that he is not doing?

elliott · 29/01/2008 09:55

get a job or failing that, some other commitment where you feel valued and can enjoy yourself for being something other than unpaid domestic drudge?
Seriously, you sound bored and resentful. I agree that it can't possibly be 'me' time that is the problem, if you have all that time when the kids are at school. I think if you made yourself busier (with something other than housework and childcare, that you would actually enjoy), things would feel more balanced at home.

TwoFirTreesToday · 29/01/2008 10:41

I know how you feel, its so easy to get stuck. You sound trapped, could you get a second car? Are there any clubs or sports you could walk to? If you cant do that could you set up a local book club or get a dog or something to give you some friends and something to do? I like elliott's idea too

Original poster

2sugars · 08/02/2008 07:01

Sorry, I've only just seen this.

elliot, by the time I've got to our local shops, got back again and put the stuff away, it's two hours out of my day gone. And then if I did the most basic of household chores, that's easily another 1 1/2 hours (although looking at our house, you'd never believe it!) and then our children are home.

TFTT, I don't drive, and would find it hard to fit anything else in without compromising dds coming home and finding me not there. Which makes me wonder - do they need to now? I know I love being home when they get back, but at 8 and 9, I imagine it's not too awful for them if I'm not

OP posts:

Brunocat · 08/02/2008 11:55

Sounds scarily familiar. My husband works for 3 - 4 days a week ( admittedly he has a stressful job) but all he does is play with our daughter for 10 minutes a day if I'm lucky and that's it! I still have to somehow get his three course dinner on the table while trying to do bedtime routine at the same time. I do everything around the house and might as well be a single mother for all the practical support I get. I have only had about five hours in total away from DD in six months and that was when MIL or my parents had her. If I try to complain I get a massive lecture about me not working (!) and a reminder about who brings in the money. Get well peed off.

LostPuppy · 08/02/2008 12:29

Its kind of your fault.

Either you let him get away with doing what you consider to be too little, or you arent happy with the standard of his work and nag him after he's done it.

Men will do as little as they can get away with in my experience.

Dropdeadfred · 08/02/2008 13:00

Why not do your shopping online? or do the shopping at the weekend when you have the car?

your dh is a lazy arse and you let him get away with it? why?

bubblagirl · 08/02/2008 13:17

do you ask him for help or do you just get on with what needs doing then feel mad that he hasnt done anything?

my dp i used to feel the same but i used to just get on with it then moan that i done it all

when i had a word with my dp he said you only have to ask i never know what to be doing as you always do it

so now i just tell him what needs to be done insteasd of feeling like i have to do it all by myself

men dont have things come so naturally to them and its ok to ask for help

ProfessorGrammaticus · 08/02/2008 13:29

Doing it all and then seething has never come naturally to me. I had a lot to get done last night (or should I say - there was a lot to be done in the house last night ). I had been at work, am working today (just eating a sarnie now!) and we are all out together tonight. So there was laundry, tidying, washing up, DSs bedtime, the internet shop and cooking a casserole for tonight. I had already done Dss tea and homework by the time Dh got home at about 6.45.

I said to DH in a slightly stressed voice "These are the jobs that need doing tonight, which ones would you like?". And then we split them. Made for a much happier evening (and bedtime)!

Ispy · 08/02/2008 13:58

Not being funny, but do you really need to get up at 5am? It seems extreme tbh. I would be so exhausted if I got up at that time every day.

Also, how about online shopping for food so you don't have to go everyday and try and plan your week so you can factor in some me time during the your dd's school day. I am also a sahm with a dh who is gone most of the day so I do empathise with your situation, but tbh there is a slight martyr ring to your post. I think you need to assign some more tasks to your dh.

florenceuk · 08/02/2008 14:18

tbh, even though you may feel like housework takes up the whole school day, it's because you choose to let it. I can tell you as a part-time working mum that the amount of housework/shopping I do would definitely NOT fill up a whole week of school days. My house is probably (a lot) messier than yours and I probably resort to ready meals and short-cuts more often. But you could also do the same, freeing up a bit more time for yourself. If your DH complains, this might be the basis for a discussion on what chores need to get done and who does them.

Also could you think about organising some kind of childcare to give you a longer day to achieve something? Could your kids go to an afterschool club once a week?

And I agree, waking at 5am seems extreme. I'd be exhausted and a bit grumpy if I felt I needed to do this.

Triggles · 08/02/2008 17:52

If your DD's are 8 and 9, take some of the day time (while they are in school) for your own time, and have them assist in household chores for 30 minutes when they get home from school. At 8 and 9yrs, there is no reason they can't help unload the dishwasher and put dishes away, vacuum, dust, tidy up. And then sit down with your DH and tell him he needs to take over a few evenings each week to sort your DD's bedtime routines - or work it out so that one of you puts dishes in dishwasher and tidies up kitchen and the other does the bedtime routines, but switch it off for different nights - so that you both have some time in the evening to downshift a little.

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