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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boss pressuring me back to work after bereavemenf

66 replies

Upthebracket22 · 02/11/2022 19:49

My Dad died at the weekend- 4 days ago- boss rang me & then turned up at my house asking when I was going up be back. I am not even remotely ready - not even had funeral yet which is next weds.

Aibu to think I should get signed off sick? I have barely taken a day sick in a decade so feel like it’s s time to just take a bit of time out.

OP posts:
PurpleButterflyWings · 02/11/2022 22:12

Urgh what a git. This happened to my friend last year. She lost her dad to cancer. Diagnosed March 2021, died August 2021, just 56 years old. (She was only 30 herself.) She had the 2 days off after he died, (he died on a Wednesday night,) and then it was the weekend.

She rang in Monday saying she needed a few more days off to help her mum, and should be in Thursday, (and she was devastated herself of course.) Her manager said she needs to come back really, as she has had her compassionate leave and 'work needs her.'

Long story short, she contacted the doctor, and said how upset and low she felt and how work was making her feel worse, and he wrote her off with stress and depression for 4 weeks.

If the manager hadn't been such an arsehole, she'd have been back 2-3 days later. Maybe you should do the same @Upthebracket22 Also, I am sorry to hear about your dad. Flowers

Blossomtoes · 02/11/2022 22:13

So very sorry @Upthebracket22. I was an absolute mess when my dad died. Get your GP to sign you off and tell HR about your manager’s behaviour. It’s completely out of order. Look after yourself 💐

narkyspirit · 02/11/2022 22:18

YNBU
My Father was very poorly whilst at work we where preparing for a trade show where i was heavily involved, i had told my MD of the issue and expected some compassion but got none, a message came asking me to get to the hospital urgently and off i went, lots of calls from MD. Dad pulled through but still in ICU, i went to work following day. a day later things took a turn for the worse again and i said to my MD i may need to rush away, not a happy MD! shortly after the owner of the company arrived and someone had clearly told him what was happening, he and his wife came to me and said go home & come back when you feel up to work.
Md was told to be more compassionate and was gone 3 months later.

Report manager to HR or owners of the company and get a sick note

paintitallover · 02/11/2022 22:20

I think many employers have policies about what bereavement leave is included. Might be worth checking.

ClaireEclair · 02/11/2022 22:47

That’s horrendous! I’m so sorry you are going through this. My DH’s boss phoned him while he was attending his mother’s funeral. She “forgot”. Will never forget that.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/11/2022 22:53

I think it’s 2 weeks bereavement leave as a rule.

Your boss sounds like a maniac. Push back hard

Koolandthegang · 02/11/2022 23:00

A colleague of mine recently lost her father in law ( known him 36 years) and was only allowed a day and then the funeral.
We work for the Local Authority and checked their compassionate leave policy- essentially: 3 days for a parent or sibling
and 10 for loss of a child. Found this baffling, especially as have other colleagues off for 6 months to the day for poor mental health/anxiety/work stress etc
Get signed of with a doctors note for two weeks it’s only on the last day of the leave a line manager should contact by phone to see what the return to work plan is if applicable.

grieving22 · 02/11/2022 23:12

Mummy - I’m so sorry for your loss OP. My dad died 5 years ago and I had 6 months off sick on full pay. I developed severe anxiety and depression.

Yes, I am on the way to six months after losing my mum in July. Am in therapy and on citrlopram. Getting out of bed feels like a mission at the moment.

I do feel awful about work, but I just can't do it yet.

Flubber88 · 02/11/2022 23:14

I am so sorry for your loss. Boss is absolutely out of order, how any human being could conduct themselves like that I do not know. You take your time and big hugs to you x

EmeraldShamrock1 · 02/11/2022 23:48

Don't even give him another thought.

You've enough to think about.

You really do see whose genuine and whose an arsehole in the face of tragedy.

I hope you're okay. Take care. 🌹

Jackster22 · 06/11/2022 16:30

I am so sorry for your loss, I hope your doing ok. contact your GP and ask for a sicknote and take as long as you need. My dad passed away on the 22 October, I had worked from home flexibly the two weeks before so I could visit him as much as I could as we knew he had weeks left, he was in a care home. I then self certified for a week and got a sicknote for another 2 weeks, I will be asking for another one to cover me until after his funeral on the 22nd November, I do not feel guilty, I have logged on a few hours when felt up to it but there is so much to sort out and emotionally up and down, sending love ❤️

ThingsIhavelearnt · 06/11/2022 16:41

Hang on

he rang you - fine - did you answer? Or did he leave a message? Did you email or ring or text and say you weren’t going to be in?

if he rang and you didn’t answer and you didn’t inform work that you were taking time off - how would they know?

so yes written the way you have - I feel for you
but this is work and they aren’t mind readers

having said that I once had a teaching friend who had his die on the Friday and on the Sunday emailed to say he was taking the Monday off work and the head rang him to point out the school policy was close relative only - 1 day was the schooL policy and a dad didn’t count as a close relative - spouse or child only and the day should be the funeral day! Big secondary - it was disgusting and he left shortly after it was shocking

coming to your house if you had informed him you would not be in for the rest of the week is totally unreasonable though

coming to offer support or if you hadn’t informed work - is different

normally most work places allow 1/2 work days maximum for bereavement and you will need a sick note for anything more - the two are different reasons

I’m sorry for your loss

billy1966 · 06/11/2022 17:14

How unbelievably inappropriate.

Sorry for your loss.

I could imagine that feeling like harassment.

Get signed off OP and take your time if you can.

Darbs76 · 06/11/2022 17:15

So sorry for your loss. Your boss is completely inappropriate. Yes get yourself signed off sick

Octopus45 · 06/11/2022 17:33

I'm sorry for your loss, my Dad died last weekend as well, it hasn't hit me yet. I would do as others suggest and get signed off by your GP. I cannot believe your boss turned up at your house, that is so intrusive. I am self-employed (freelance merchandiser) and I texted my bosses explaining that I wouldn't be in last week, they were fine. Obviously its unpaid leave and I am working again from tomorrow and taking two days off for the funeral (which is 200 miles away), the following week. I cannot believe how awful workplaces can be. Try and look after yourself as best you can.

motherofcatsandbears · 06/11/2022 18:01

What a nasty thing to do. Get yourself to the doctor and get a fit note, but make sure it states “bereavement reaction, grief reaction or depression ” as bereavement in itself isn’t an illness and he sounds like the sort of person to challenge it. If you’re in a union, get on to your rep urgently and tell them how inappropriate he was by phoning and visiting you.
Take care of yourself, I know it’s a tough time ❤️

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