For taking DS out when he's supposed to be at school?

[penny4books]

First off, I want to say I'm in no way letting DS get away with his behaviour.

DS is 14, and in year 9. Last year, He was excluded for taking a knife into school, and is now attending a PRU. He later told me he'd get angry and voices would then tell him to do things, he's currently on the waiting list for CAHMS but it could take years and I don't have the money to go private unfortunately.

He came home from school yesterday and was in a bad mood so went to his room to calm down and so we know to leave him alone. DPs children were around yesterday and SS(13) went into his room to talk to him about a game, but because DS didn't want to speak to anyone and SS wouldn't leave him alone, he threw his book at him. SS came and told us and I went to talk to DS, he told me he didn't mean to, he got angry and couldn't help it etc, he did later apologise to SS. I did take his phone off him though.

Today, I've kept him off school as everyday he seems to have a bad day and it's causing problems with his behaviour as at home, he's mostly well behaved at weekends and during holidays so I suspect he's struggling to cope at the PRU, as he was at his old school. I do suspect he could be autistic but again, he needs a diagnosis which could take years so I can't send him to an SEN school. Today's plan is to take him out to town so I can talk to him, he doesn't have any devices so being at home won't be ‘fun’ for him but DP has said I'm BU by doing this so I should stay at home with him all day.

AIBU?

Take him out for a walk to talk to him. I don't see why you'd need to take him into town (loads of other people around, not privacy etc) to have a conversation.

Your DP is right, you should stay at home. I suspect if you went into town you'd go and have lunch together, maybe buy him a few treats to cheer him up. Not the best course of action for someone who was violent to a younger sibling.

You don’t have to take him to town to talk him? Talk to him at home or PP suggestion of going for a walk is a good one to have a change of scenery.

OP you know if you go into town this will turn into treats like lunch out, buying him stuff.
Go and talk to him in his bedroom.
For what it's worth I wouldn't be keeping him off school though - I'd be sending him in but communicating with school that he's struggling. By just keeping him off you're preventing school from having the opportunity to make conduct an intervention, talk to him, engage with him.
You're also teaching him that a bad mood/aggression to others in the household gets him a day off school, which I don't think is the right message to be sending.

Him having a 'bad day' at sch isn't solved by you keeping him off school - you need to work with school to work out what is triggering the bad days and work on it. Is it social issues, is he struggling academically so feeling frustrated? Does he just not like being told what to do - again keeping him off school won't help this long term.

What's the punishment for SS for not leaving him alone ? (I assume he or one of the adults told your SS to give your son space)

While I understand that sometimes you need to take a different approach to a "tricky" child, you risk him behaving negatively in order to get a day out. he's in year 9 so might be starting GCSEs this year so school attendance is important- GCSE maths and English will keep doors open for his future.

Do you drive?
If you don’t think he’ll become too agitated, sometimes chatting is easier on a drive.
My DS is autistic and does most of his more important chatting in the car when he doesn’t have the pressure of eye contact or the distractions of other people and noise.

Too many ‘chattings’ 😳

I think going for a walk or drive to chat is a good idea. Maybe not into town. Somewhere quieter.

I often find it better to have difficult conversations side by side as less intense.

This was my point too

I'd consider a walk somewhere peaceful (lake, wood etc) to talk at length. My asd child actually opens up more to me by text. Which is sad, but it all is about getting her needs met for me.

Do cahms know how bad it is? Like is there a way you can keep cahms updated on behaviour and things like hearing voices?

I'm not in the UK so don't know how it works but in Ireland when ds was first referred to cahms he also reported hearing voices to the GP and I received what would be a triage phonecall I suppose from cahms within days to assess where he would fall on the waiting list. The GP also told me to keep them updated on any changes in his behaviour. Could you keep going back to the gp and updating them on his situation? Years is obviously far too long wait for professional intervention. Do the school have councellors he can talk to in the mean time, do they have any sway on getting him seen by cahms? Are there any teen mental health charities in your area that offer free counselling?

I would try and concentrate my energy on getting him seen by professionals there is only so much a parent can do with an obviously struggling child.

Just to add, your DS doesn’t need a diagnosis for an EHCP, if you haven’t already got one in place, so a specialist school place is not necessarily a no-go (I do know how long it all takes though!)

I agree about a walk somewhere nice, but not where treats can be bought or asked for. My DD opens up when walking but also if I play Mario Cart or similar with her , she is so focussed on the game that her barriers come down without her realising.

Agree with car, or walk on a narrow path - no eye contact makes it much easier!

Agree with pps- go for a walk somewhere peaceful or a drive. Not into town. If nothing else, if you think he has autism this may be too much stimulation for him to also have a good conversation with you.

Also wondering where the punishment for SS is for not leaving him alone. This would be seen in this house as worse than throwing a book - going and needling someone until they snap at you is worse than being the one who was minding their own business but then snapped.

A big walk somewhere would be better, no distractions and the fresh air will do him the world of good.

I was thinking of taking DS to town to go to the coffee shop to talk to him properly. The GP haven't been much help apart from referring him to cahms as they've said there's not much they can do, I tried phoning them again Monday as he's been struggling to sleep but they said they can't give him anything due to his age. I think the main issue is school as he isnt himself whenever he comes home, I have tried to speak to him about it before but he just said they don't listen to him and blame him for something another student has done, he's also said he can't concentrate as the classroom is loud and voices then tell him to do something disruptive/misbehave.

DP didn't do anything about SS and just blamed DS for this behaviour of throwing the book.

Still not seeing why this conversation is best had in a busy loud not-private coffee shop.

As he is hearing voices please call either the gp or camhs number and ask for the psychosis team.

They usually have a quicker response time.

Surely it depends on the person? Some people find it easier to talk if there's background conversation and bustle and noise and an atmosphere they associate with relaxing and chatting, whereas in a wood or something, the starkness of their own voice against the quietness of the wood outlines every word and makes it harder to speak freely (for example). OP knows her son better than we do, it might be that this is where he's most likely to open up.

There should have been consequences for DSS.

You don’t need an autism diagnosis in order to attend a special school. Does DS have an EHCP?

I wouldn't have kept him off school ..but would be talking to them about why and his behaviour after school..

Equally ss should not have bothered him...and your dp is out of order for suggesting otherwise..

Your ds did the right thing by taking himself off to calm down.

Is your dp and ss around a lot? Maybe he needs a break from that does your dp get involved a lot??

In theory you dont need a diagnosis for an ehcp but its a lot harder....
But the PRU should be working closely with you both to maximise his opportunities and potentially going to another school...if appropriate.... taking him out of school seems not a great idea..

It's really obvious here that the 'coffee shop' is the enticement, you trying to get him to talk by treating him to coffee out.
There is just zero reason why you can't chat at home. If he needs background noise put the radio on.
You are trying to turn this into a 'nice chat' and it all just sounds placatory. You aren't his mate your his mum. Sit on his bed and chat, sit at the kitchen table and chat. Get HIM to make you a coffee, in the kitchen, then chat.
There needs to be no element to this of you treating him. Still think he should have gone to school anyway and you could have chatted at home, after school.