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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I haven’t actually done anything wrong here?

95 replies

ImAnnoyedActually · 01/11/2022 21:45

I’m putting on my hard hat for this, genuinely interested to see if MN thinks I am being U

Currently on mat leave with DC2 (3mo). Went to visit a friend this afternoon, left around 1 and got home at 5:10. Friend lives about half an hour away from us.

DH rang me at 5:05 (just after he finished work wfh) to see where I was. I answered straight away and said I was on the high street (which is less than 5 mins from our house) so nearly home. I offered to pick up DD1 from nursery as I was already out but DH said he would do it to avoid messing the baby around getting him in and out of the car (nursery is only round the corner so we usually walk). He normally does every pick up anyway as he likes the moment when DD sees him and runs over for a big cuddle (I have offered to pick up DD before but he’s said he enjoys it so it’s not like its an extra job for him iyswim)

DH leaves just before I get in. Before he gets back I put dinner on. He comes back in a sulk because I didn’t tell him what I was doing.

Meet up with friend was in the shared calendar (along with her address) for 1 hour as that’s the default setting on my phone and when I put it in I had no idea how long I’d be there. DH says he shouldn’t have had to call me to find out what the plans are. I said sorry, next time I’ll message when I’m leaving friends so you know I’m on my way home. He keeps up his sulk but AIBU to think I haven’t actually done anything wrong here? I agree it would have been more considerate to message him as I was leaving but I was distracted chatting to friend and by baby and knew I’d be home around the time he’d finish work.

As soon as he tried to contact me I answered so it’s not like he’s been left wondering for hours where I am but it is apparently a massive inconvenience for him to have to ring me?

He’s been in a snit all evening and after initially saying sorry I’m now feeling he’s being a bit of a twat about it.

YABU - is really inconsiderate to not let partner know what time you’ll be home. Do better!

YANBU - it’s mildly inconsiderate to not message when leaving but hasn’t actually caused an issue for DH and he’s making a mountain out of a mole hill

I’ll take MN judgement on this!

OP posts:
Delilahonabike · 02/11/2022 03:13

Interesting that he feels it was 'inconvenient' for him to have to call you but not inconvenient for you to have to call him, especially as it was him wanting the information Hmm That could look an awful lot as though he places more importance on his time and effort than he does yours, and that would make him a sexist knob.

Original poster
ImAnnoyedActually · 02/11/2022 05:11

Delilahonabike · 02/11/2022 03:13

Interesting that he feels it was 'inconvenient' for him to have to call you but not inconvenient for you to have to call him, especially as it was him wanting the information Hmm That could look an awful lot as though he places more importance on his time and effort than he does yours, and that would make him a sexist knob.

Yes this was my initial thought!

OP posts:
Original poster
ImAnnoyedActually · 02/11/2022 05:19

Catching up on the over night messages

I’m definitely not scared of him, don’t usually tell him my exact location or jump to answer my phone straight away. Just included details as they happened eg to show he hadn’t been trying to ring me for hours and getting genuinely worried.

Friends address was in the calendar because it was the first time I’d been to her new place so needed to sat nav there but included that info as it was info DH had available

like some of you had said I thought it would be obvious I’d be there longer than an hour, it takes an hour just to drive there and back. I had no idea when I left what time I’d be back, just followed the flow of the afternoon

I think you might be right he’s annoyed about working while I’m off doing nice maternity leave things. Going to have a chat with him about this because it’s not on.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImAnnoyedActually · 02/11/2022 05:21

Believe it or not he’s normally alright, this level of twattery isn’t usual (hence me posting on here) but handy that the verdict is basically unanimous

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 02/11/2022 05:52

I don't generally tell dh about my day before it happens usually after the fact. If I was going out and wouldn't be back when dh got in I'd prob let him know as I usually start tea so would be letting him no he be doing it! But if I was later back than intended dh would ring see where I was and that would be that. Your dh is being childish not sure if it's best to leave it now and see if it happens again or have a conversation. He may not see your side so could end up a row.

deeperthanallroses · 02/11/2022 05:53

I’d be the one in a snit by now. I’d update the rest of the weeks calendar to have each day fully booked with ‘I’m not sure what’s going on but so you are fully informed I might be doing something while you are at work.’ Then I’d call him each morning to say I know you hate to have to call me so I thought I’d just check in to see if there’s anytime you particularly need me home so you don’t have to call me if you don’t know where I am. Petty, me? But also not letting guys get away with this I’m right and you’re wrong and communicating is all YOUR job not mine approach.

BarbaraofSeville · 02/11/2022 06:12

Winceybincey · 01/11/2022 23:56

I’m gonna go against the grain here, I think he might have been worried. If you use a shared calendar and you’d put in 1 hour at friends he might have thought something had happened? You have a young baby and it’s easy to worry when they’re so little. If he’s not the sort to always want to know you’re every whereabout then I’d put it down to him taking the calendar literally as it’d be no different to me saying to DH I’m popping to friends with baby I’ll be an hour, but 4 hours later I’m not back… I know he’ll be worried and would be calling me.

But a normal reaction to being out longer than initially thought would be to call/text and just say 'hi, you OK' and the OP says yes and that's it.

Not still sulking about her being out all afternoon at midnight. That's weird and controlling.

Going out for the afternoon to see a friend with the baby when you're on maternity leave is a perfectly normal thing to do.

OP, you say he could be annoyed about having to work while you're 'off doing nice maternity things', was there any discussion about shared parental leave?

Or could he take the odd afternoon off work so you can go out for a walk or lunch together and he could use his annual leave or make the time up elsewhere, depending on his job?

Peashoots · 02/11/2022 12:14

ImAnnoyedActually · 02/11/2022 05:21

Believe it or not he’s normally alright, this level of twattery isn’t usual (hence me posting on here) but handy that the verdict is basically unanimous

I believe you. I think your shocked reaction shows that this is out of the ordinary. I’m glad you recognise that it’s not OK. Hope your chat with him goes well. Take care.

Topgub · 02/11/2022 12:21

Wtf?

I could not live like this.

I dont even tell dh I'm going out or when I'll be back the vast majority of the time.

lawandgin · 02/11/2022 12:22

ImAnnoyedActually · 02/11/2022 05:19

Catching up on the over night messages

I’m definitely not scared of him, don’t usually tell him my exact location or jump to answer my phone straight away. Just included details as they happened eg to show he hadn’t been trying to ring me for hours and getting genuinely worried.

Friends address was in the calendar because it was the first time I’d been to her new place so needed to sat nav there but included that info as it was info DH had available

like some of you had said I thought it would be obvious I’d be there longer than an hour, it takes an hour just to drive there and back. I had no idea when I left what time I’d be back, just followed the flow of the afternoon

I think you might be right he’s annoyed about working while I’m off doing nice maternity leave things. Going to have a chat with him about this because it’s not on.

I hope he doesn't think mat leave is a holiday because it absolutely bloody isn't!

KettrickenSmiled · 02/11/2022 12:24

I did say bye when he popped out at lunch, he knew I’d be gone before he got back

So what the fuck is his problem?
Does he just enjoy putting you in the wrong?

Is he a giant manbaby - or is this something more sinister, & he controls & questions your every move?

Beachbabe1 · 02/11/2022 12:24

Controlling...much!!!

Razzle5 · 02/11/2022 12:28

What is marriage generally like?

if a one off - had he just had a bad day was was generally just a bit bleurgh?

luxxlisbon · 02/11/2022 12:29

DH says he shouldn’t have had to call me to find out what the plans are

What on earth is he talking about? What plans?
He picks DD up anyway so your plans didn’t impact him in the slightest.

Its alarming that he’s making such a big deal of this.
He is wfh so he knew you went out, you don’t always know how long you will be out for!

Razzle5 · 02/11/2022 12:32

The key is… how is he behaving this morning?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/11/2022 12:35

He’s being really weird and controlling. Like others I voted YANBU but really don’t think you were inconsiderate at all’s . Especially as he normally doesn’t want you to do the nursery run, and again turned down your offer to do it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/11/2022 12:37

Also going to see friend with a baby isn’t exactly having time off - you’re still looking after the baby, just in a different place.

Razzle5 · 02/11/2022 12:41

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/11/2022 12:37

Also going to see friend with a baby isn’t exactly having time off - you’re still looking after the baby, just in a different place.

I loved visiting friends with my baby when SAHM! Definitely one of the perks!!

oviraptor21 · 02/11/2022 12:45

He is most definitely being unreasonable.
However ..... as a PP suggested, don't lose sight of thinking about why he is being unreasonable. My first suggestion it that he is jealous of your free time. Does he have justification for that? Has he been working particularly hard recently? Maybe covid and wfh hasn't really suited him? Is he getting out as much as he used to? If you can unpick the why then surely that's better than just being resentful of his apparent efforts to control you.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 02/11/2022 12:53

This could be the early stages of controlling twattery, put a stop to it now. He is a dick.

Istolethecookies · 02/11/2022 13:04

YANBU, but from experience, men behave like this when something else is bothering them but they don't know how to communicate like an adult. Either leave him to sulk and it'll pass or confront him and ask him what his problem is because he's being a dick.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/11/2022 13:04

What's his actual reason for needing to know exactly when youd be back? I can understand if he is cooking dinner and he had no idea whether you would be back or not...but he knew where you were, he knew you were due back, and if he was about to pop out to pick your daughter up anyway, I don't understand how it impacted him in any way whatsoever.

And any adult that goes into a sulk rather than actually articulating what their issue is and how they would like it resolved, is a twat

Tubs11 · 02/11/2022 13:21

Is he normally like this? If not then something else may be bothering him so ask him what gives. If he says nothing then nip this attempt at controlling behaviour in the bud. Shared calendar not that big a deal, we have the same as we're busy as well as forgetful 😝

Cantstandbullshit · 02/11/2022 13:22

Your voting options are very strange, why didn’t you include an option where you are not inconsiderate at all?

JestersTear · 02/11/2022 13:26

Arenanewbie · 01/11/2022 22:08

I couldn’t understand your question at first then realised that he was WFH. I don’t agree with any of your options. We usually tell each other about leaving the house, just in case. It was the same in my parents house, courtesy I supposed. I was in the kitchen this morning, DH shouted: Bye, I’m off. If he is on Zoom I will open door a bit and signal that I’m off. In your case my DH would call and say : Ohh I haven’t realised you left. I would say: oh yes, I went to see Jane, forgot to tell you. The end. No sulk at all.
By the way we also tell each other when we will be back. Again I always thought it’s a common courtesy if you live in the same house.

Yes, we're the same.
We always yell to say we're back as well.